INT. BARBER SHOP – DAY

An old-school barber shop with three MIDDLEAGED ITALIAN MEN sporting slicked hair and white coats. The formica and linoleum sparkle. A small TV mounted above the mirrors plays a news program. The bell on the door rings and MICHAEL, obese and sloppy, trudges in eating a SnoBall. He plops in the seat in front of JOHNNY, the youngest and sleekest of the barbers.

JOHNNY

What can I do you for, Mikey?

MICHAEL

A little off the top. I’ve got a date with Maria Pasquino tonight and I want to look my best.

JOHNNY

You’ve got it, Mikey.

Johnny takes a carefully folded sheet from the shelf under the mirror and with a wrist flip snaps it to full length before wrapping Michael with it. He then reaches for a long hose with a needle attachment.

MICHAEL

Not too close. I like to leave a little for the ladies to hold onto if you know what I mean.

JOHNNY

Sure, sure Mikey. I know how you like it.

Johnny shoves the needle under the sheet. Michael yelps in pain. Johnny flips a switch and a pump starts whining. He moves the hose rapidly around under the sheet.

JOHNNY (CONT’D)

You see the ballgame last night?

MICHAEL

No, it was league night.

Johnny finishes with the hose and needle and whips off the sheet, exposing Michael’s newly thin body. He grabs a hand mirror, spins the chair around, and let’s Michael see his backside.

JOHNNY

You look great. Maria’s a lucky girl.

MICHAEL

Thanks, Johnny. Keep the change.

Michael gives Johnny a twenty and exits.

CUT TO:

CU of the television. MICHELLE BACHMANN is being interviewed by BRIT HUME.

BRIT

Isn’t this just socialism, Congresswoman?

MICHELLE

That’s what I used to think, Brit. But the provisions in the bill are very specific.

BRIT

How so?

MICHELLE

Everyone will get medical coverage, that’s true, but it’s not very good coverage. And every American who takes advantage of the new UniCare system will be registered in the organ donor database. It’s a requirement.

BRIT

So now you want to take organs away from hard working Americans? How can you sit there and claim that’s not socialism?

MICHELLE

Because UniCare won’t pay to transplant organs, only to take them. So needy CEOs and politicians can finally get the help they desperately need. This is why I’m proud to co-sponsor the Kennedy-Bachmann Omnibus Health Bill.

BRIT

Did Senator Kennedy approach you, or did you cross the aisle first?

MICHELLE

I did. But it turns out he needs a new liver, so it was easy to get him on board.

BRIT

And what got you on board?

MICHELLE

My doctor tells me I need a brain transplant.

CUT TO:

Back to barber shop, Johnny is finishing up sweeping his area. The bell rings and NICK, mid-20s and fit in sweaty shorts and t-shirt, hobbles in with the help of LISA, mid-20s and perky.

LISA

(to Nick)

Are you sure this is the place? It looks like a barbershop.

NICK

I’m sure.

LISA

Excuse me?

JOHNNY

Looks like somebody hurt his leg, yeah? Softball? No, basketball, am I right?

NICK

That’s right. How did you know?

JOHNNY

You sit right here and Johnny’ll fix you up good.

LISA

I’m sorry, but are you a doctor?

JOHNNY

I’m a barber, sweetie.

LISA

He doesn’t need a haircut. He needs x-rays.

JOHNNY

I said, I’m a barber.

Johnny pats the chair. Nick sits gingerly. Johnny whips out a folded sheet. This one is very heavy.

JOHNNY (CONT’D)

Lead. You’re young still. Want to make sure you can still give your girlfriend lots of babies.

Johnny rolls a small cart from between stations and places Nick’s leg on it. He presses some buttons and an x-ray pops up like a Polaroid.

NICK

Cool.

Johnny puts the x-ray on the mirror in front of Nick and points at it.

JOHNNY

See, there’s nothing broken. Just a sprain.

LISA

Are you sure there’s--

JOHNNY

--I’m sure.

Taking an Ace bandage from a drawer, he quickly wraps up Nick’s foot.

NICK

We don’t have insur--

JOHNNY

--Twenty dollars.

LISA

That’s all?

Johnny gestures at Lisa’s mouth.

JOHNNY

Unless you want me to fix your overbite, too. Then it’s forty.

BLACKOUT: