INT. GAME SHOW SET – DAY

BING CHESTERTON, 30s with helmet hair, veneers, and a sharp suit, crosses down center from a podium and faces the camera.

BING

The smash sensation that started in South Korea has crossed the ocean to our fair shores. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

Strobes and crisscrossing spots turn the set into a disco. The camera pans and zooms and spins out of control while the too-loud synthesizer and brass theme music plays. After an eternal 10 seconds, the stage lights come back on and the camera settles on Bing and the three contestants.

BING (CONT’D)

Let’s meet our competitors!

At far left is NOREEN, a prissy woman in her 30s with feathered hair, Sally Jesse frames, and a pastel cardigan over a high-necked collar.

BING (CONT’D)

Noreen, welcome to Liar, Liar. Tell us about yourself.

NOREEN

Well, Bing, I’m a homemaker from Tacoma, Washington and sell dried flower arrangements over the Internet.

BING

Sounds exciting! Have you seen Liar, Liar before?

NOREEN

No, I can’t say that I have. I’m here visiting my sister Louise in West Covina and she brought me into Hollywood today to see if we could spot any celebrities. That’s where we were when that sweet girl you work with asked if we wanted to be on TV.

BING

After this, you’ll be a celebrity yourself! Good luck to you today, Noreen.

Bing sidles to the center podium. There stands RYAN, mid-20s uber-hipster. He also wears Sally Jesse frames, but it’s an extremely ironic affectation. His every utterance drips with sarcasm.

BING

Ryan, my producer tells me you’re quite the expert on game shows.

RYAN

Only foreign game shows. Not the boring, watered down pablum Americans watch. I used to get them from Pirate’s Bay before it got too commercial.

BING

Then you must know all about Liar, Liar.

RYAN

I’m familiar with the German version, Unehrliche Mencshen mit Feuerhoschen, of course.

BING

The Korean version is a little different, I think you’ll agree.

Bing steps up to the final contestant, HECTOR, in his 50s with greasy hair and a stained overcoat.

HECTOR

Hey man, where’s the soup at?

BING

What?

HECTOR

The blond lady said there was soup.

BING

Uh, Hector, this is a game show. You’re a contestant.

HECTOR

I just wanted some soup.

BING

I’ll see what we can do.

Bing crosses to center stage and faces the camera again.

BING (CONT’D)

Now that we’ve met the contestants, let’s play Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire. Our first question is for 200 dollars. Who farted?

(Beat)

Backstage before the show started, our contestants spent some time together in the green room. One of them--

Ryan buzzes in.

RYAN

--Hector.

BING

Let’s see. Is it Hector?

A huge flatscreen TV comes down from above. On it we see the three contestants sitting around a table, ignoring each other. Suddenly, Ryan jerks his head up and looks around nervously.

BING (CONT’D)

I’m sorry, Ryan. That’s incorrect.

From the floor beneath Ryan, a flame shoots up ass-high.

RYAN

Ayyyahhhh! What the hell?!?

BING

Ryan, you said you were familiar with the rules of Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.

RYAN

I’ve never actually watched the show, but I’ve downloaded every episode.

BING

Well, now you know! Next question. This one is for you, Noreen. Have you ever slept with someone because you thought he was famous?

NOREEN

What? Well I never!

Flames shoot up to Noreen’s ass.

BING

The judges disagree. Let’s take a look.

CUT TO:

On the flatscreen we see Noreen sitting at a bar, hitting on a balding, pudgy MAN slightly past his prime.

CUT TO:

Studio.

NOREEN

He told me he was a Baldwin.

BING

Bonus question for 300 dollars. What venereal disease did Noreen contract that night?

Ryan buzzes in.

BING

Ryan?

RYAN

Herpes?

BING

No. The answer we were looking for was chlamydia.

Ryan hops and twists, worried about the flames.

BING (CONT’D)

Don’t worry, Ryan. Guessing isn’t lying.

RYAN

Oh, thank god.

A flame shoots up and sends Ryan skyward.

RYAN (CONT’D)

What the hell?

Bing smiles so wide his veneers glow.

BING

I lied. Next question is for 300 dollars. How old were you when you lost your virginity? Noreen?

NOREEN

Pass.

BING

You can’t pass, Noreen. We need an answer. Just tell the truth.

NOREEN

Thirteen.

(Beat)

Eleven! Eleven! I was eleven, alright? No more fire!

BING

See, that wasn’t so hard! That’s 300 dollars for you. Ryan? Same question.

RYAN

Sixteen.

The flame shoots up and Ryan knocks over his podium trying to escape it.

RYAN (CONT’D)

I’m telling the truth!

Ryan sprawls on the floor. A MODEL in an evening gown comes over with a flamethrower and blasts Ryan once in the ass.

BING

The judges don’t agree. Let’s go to the tape.

CUT TO:

The head of A WOMAN in her mid-20s fills the TV screen.

WOMAN

Ryan Leffler? Oh man, I haven’t thought about him in years. We went out a couple times back in high school. It didn’t work out.

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)

Did you two have sex?

WOMAN

I don’t think it counts if he’s done while I’m still getting popcorn.

CUT TO:

Studio. Ryan’s jeans are smoking as he gets back on his feet.

BING

Our final question is for 1000 dollars.

RYAN

Why don’t you ask Hector any questions?

NOREEN

Yeah! I don’t want any more.

BING

Are you sure?

NOREEN

Y--

BING

Was that a yes?

NOREEN

I’m afraid to answer.

Bing laughs heartily.

BING

Alright. The final question, for 1000 dollars, goes to you Hector. What do you want to eat?

HECTOR

Soup.

BING

That is correct! You’re our big winner. Congratulations!

The gown-clad model and her TWIN bring roses, a pile of money, and a big bowl of soup to Hector. Ryan and Noreen gape.

BING (CONT’D)

Join us next time on Liar, Liar, Pans on Fire!

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