FADE IN:

TITLE: “Reservoir Dogs: The Exceedingly Polite Version”

INT. WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

The iconic Reservoir Dogs scene: MR. BLONDE shuts the warehouse door and turns towards the COP, who is tied to a chair.

Other items in the room: a second chair, a radio, a canister of gasoline.

MR. BLONDE

Now, where were we, officer?

COP

I was wracking my brains trying to recall anything about a possible “set up” in your organization. Still coming up dry, I’m afraid.

MR. BLONDE

Would it be okay if I tortured you?

COP

Absolutely! Given the circumstantial evidence, it’s completely understandable to suspect me of withholding information.

MR. BLONDE

Actually, I don’t need information. I’m going to torture you because I really don’t like cops. No offense.

COP

None taken! I’m just relieved to hear it’s nothing personal.

MR. BLONDE

Would you care for some music while I -- y’know --

COP

Please!

He crosses to the radio and turns it on.

It PLAYS “Stuck in the Middle With You.”

COP

Ah, Stealer’s Wheel! How delightful!

MR. BLONDE

Really? It’s one of my favorites, too.

Mr. Blonde sashays over to the cop in time with the music. He opens a large knife. He grabs a chair and sits opposite the cop.

MR. BLONDE

Brace yourself, officer. This will hurt quite a bit.

COP

Thanks for the warning!

He reaches out and cuts off the cop’s ear.

The cop screams.

COP

Pardon my screaming!

MR. BLONDE

No problem. I imagine having your ear cut off is painful. If it was my ear, I’m sure I’d scream.

COP

Fair enough, sir.

MR. BLONDE

Now, I just feel awful about this, officer, but I am going to have to set you on fire.

COP

Ah well. Perhaps you could use that gasoline over there? That should speed up the process.

MR. BLONDE

Of course.

He gets the canister and splashes the cop with gasoline while singing along to the music.

COP

Before I die, I’d just like to point out that you have a lovely singing voice.

MR. BLONDE

What a nice compliment! Thank you! I’m amazed that you’re able to notice that, what with only the one ear and all the physical pain.

COP

Well, I am a lover of the arts.

Mr. Blonde produces a match.

MR. BLONDE

All right, then. Any last words?

COP

None spring to mind. Just not my day, is it?

Mr. Blonde shrugs sympathetically, lights the match, and holds it out towards the cop.

BLAM! A shot EXPLODES in Mr. Blonde’s chest.

The camera WHIPS AROUND and we see MR. ORANGE unloading his weapon into Mr. Blonde.

Mr. Blonde lands flat on his back.

Mr. Orange approaches.

COP

Wow.

(sternly)

I think you’d better apologize.

Mr. Orange looks at his feet guiltily.

Then, to Mr. Blonde --

MR. ORANGE

Sorry, Mr. Blonde.

Mr. Blonde makes a “think nothing of it” gesture and dies.

FADE OUT.