FADE IN:

INT. RADIO STUDIO – DAY

Typical rinky-dinky radio-station studio.

JACK (50s, levelheaded) sits at a mic with a board of buttons close by.

VINCE (30s, twitchy) sits at another mic.

A PRODUCER sits behind a glass window.

JACK

Welcome back to Big Sky Forum, back with Vincent DuBois to talk about Barack Obama’s citizenship.

VINCE

His lack of citizenship, Jack.

JACK

Got it. So the president’s in Montana this week. If you could talk to him, what would you say?

VINCE

I’d ask him some simple, reasonable questions. Look, lots of folks say us “birthers” are crazy conspiracy nuts, but our concerns make sense. We just want proof that the American president is American.

JACK

And if there is no birth certificate, then--

VINCE

-- then he can’t be the President, by article two of the Constitution. But that’s not the important thing.

JACK

What’s the important thing?

VINCE

We think he faked that certificate because he was born in Kenya --

JACK

Uh-huh.

VINCE

-- over three hundred years ago.

JACK

Maybe I didn’t hear that right --

VINCE

He’s a vampire, Jack.

Jack laughs.

Uncomfortable pause.

VINCE

Laugh all you want. I’m serious. You’ve seen the hold he has on audiences -- it’s hypnotic! And the references to hundred-year-old history nobody knows about? That’s vampire behavior.

JACK

Vampires aren’t real.

VINCE

Yes they are, Jack, because Barack is one of them.

JACK

But Obama eats normal food --

VINCE

Vampires can ingest limited amounts.

JACK

He has kids --

VINCE

Fake kids.

JACK

There are hundreds of pictures that show Barack Obama aging over the course of his life --

VINCE

And that should tell you how big of a conspiracy we’re up against, Jack.

JACK

Okay, what evidence would it take to convince you Obama doesn’t live off of human blood?

VINCE

Jack, these silly mind games aren’t going to do you much good once you’re trapped in a government health care blood farm, while the vamps lure your daughters into the ranks of the undead.

JACK

But -- okay, okay. We’ve all seen Obama out in the daylight, all the time.

VINCE

Yes, and if you look at the footage, you can see clear signs of sparkling.

JACK

Sparkling? Wait, you can’t mean--

A button starts blinking on the board.

The producer starts gesturing wildly.

VINCE

It’s clearly established in Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series that vampires can go out in daylight, but then they sparkle in the sun.

JACK

I’m gonna have to cut in here --

Jack presses the button.

JACK

Hello, caller, you’re on Big Sky Forum.

BARACK (V.O.)

Hi, this is Barack Obama.

Vincent makes a cross with his fingers.

VINCE

Demon!

BARACK (V.O.)

Mr. Dubois, accusing me of vampirism is one thing. But saying I’m a Twilight vampire? Sir, that crosses a line of basic human decency.

VINCE

Oh, so you’re denying it?

BARACK (V.O.)

They aren’t even real vampires. They’re like mopey kids that would hang out at Hot Topic. And vampire baseball? Don’t get me started.

VINCE

I’m just citing the evidence.

BARACK (V.O.)

Look, if I were a vampire, I’d be a classy, Bram Stoker vampire. Or maybe one of the Sunnyvale vampires from Buffy. Or, heck, I’d be an Anne Rice metrosexual Louisiana vampire before deigning to join the Cullens in their march through literary mediocrity.

JACK

Sorry to cut you off, Mister President, but we’ve got to go to commercial for a second. We’ll be back after the break with Xavier San Pedro, who believes that Obama is secretly an alien robot. Care to stay on the line, Mr. President?

BARACK (V.O.)

Oh, hell yes. That sounds cool.

FADE OUT.