INT. BOARDROOM – DAY

Mahogany table, Herman Miller Aerons, tasteful decorations. Around the table are two Armanis a Hugo Boss and a Prada. RON, 30s and blindingly charismatic, sits at the head. All eyes are drawn to him; he has a glow of authority. BRAD, 50s staid and gray, sits at his side. NORA, 30s without a hair out of place, and JILL, 20s, one “Ready!” away from screaming, “Okay!”, round out the participants.

BRAD

Next order of business: new sponsors. Jill?

JILL

I had a really super meeting with the Proctor & Gamble people.

NORA

They’re interested in the toothpaste sponsorship, right?

JILL

That’s what I went in for but then they started talking about a whole series of product placements. Soap, laundry detergent, toothpaste, even Pampers.

BRAD

What use do we have for diapers?

JILL

The P&G guys suggested we could make a lot of money by getting some of our members, uh, working on--

NORA

--Lifetime is interested.

RON

Lifetime?

NORA

They see a lot of cracks in Jon and Kate and think they can challenge it head on. The “Super Nanny” people want to co-produce with us. Everyone’s very excited about “Cult Babies”.

RON

How many couples would we need?

NORA

Well--

RON

--Oh. Alright, how many girls?

NORA

We think a ten-girl harem would be perfect. We think we’d also draw some “Big Love” fans and rub some of their cachet on us.

RON

Right. Brad, please pick for me. You know what I like.

BRAD

Isn’t the point of this to have some babies?

RON

Of course.

BRAD

I’m not sure ten women who look like Mrs. Garrett are going to accomplish that.

NORA

We’ll focus group some girls.

RON

Fine.

(beat)

Brad, go ahead and find me those others. What’s next?

NORA

I had a very productive meeting with the Reebok people this morning.  They’re still steamed over Heaven’s Gate.

BRAD

Still?

NORA

Apparently, they were days away from closing an exclusive and booting Nike out but didn’t finish in time for Hale-Bopp. Jill?

Jill shuffles some papers and reads...

JILL

Sales of Nike Windrunners tripled in the two weeks immediately after the Final Exit and stayed strong through mid-summer.

NORA

Reebok doesn’t want to be too late with us.

Everyone laughs.

RON

They’ve got plenty of time. I haven’t even gone in for a castration.

BRAD

Good thing, or “Cult Babies” would bomb.

RON

What else have we got?

JILL

Gatorade and Powerade are in a bidding war.

BRAD

Anyone else in the mix?

JILL

Snapple’s ad agency made a few inquiries but we didn’t think they were serious.

BRAD

That’s it?

JILL

Who else did you have in mind?

The KOOL-AID MAN crashes through a wall.

KOOL-AID MAN

Oh yeah!

Angle on Ron, lost in thought.

BRAD

Ron, Ron.

Angle back on room. No Kool-Aid Man, no damage from his entrance. Ron was daydreaming.

BRAD (CONT’D)

It’s just not going to happen, Ron. Their focus is just on kids nowadays.

NORA

I’ve got to agree with Brad. They are not getting out of their exclusive with the Catholic Church.

RON

Oh well. Anything else?

BLACKOUT: