INT. UPSCALE SALON – DAY

A stylist’s chair faces a mirrored wall. SUPERMAN sits in the seat, his red cape wrapped around him. CHRISTA stands behind him, bent at the waist, hands on her knees, gasping.

CHRISTA

You weren’t kidding. I told you not to go that long between cuts.

SUPERMAN

I know, but Luthor tricked me and trapped me in the Phantom Zone. I had to team up with Zod to get out.

CHRISTA

The mullet is not a good look for you, sugar.

Christa reaches to the ground and struggles to lift a pair of scissors. With both hands. She’s not successful.

SUPERMAN

Here, let me get those for you.

The Last Son of Krypton gets up and shakes hair out of his cape. He picks up the dainty scissors and puts them on the seat. The seat sinks from the weight.

SUPERMAN (CONT’D)

Sorry.

He moves the scissors to the counter.

CHRISTA

Thanks. I can barely lift my arms.

SUPERMAN

(Rubbing chin)

So a shave is out?

A bell rings as the door opens. WONDER WOMAN enters. She glances about then strides to a manicurist’s table. ERIN enters from a back door, sees Wonder Woman, and turns around. She comes back out with a large power sander.

ERIN

The usual, princess?

WONDER WOMAN

French tips, I think. And my cuticles are beat up. Cheetah kept scratching at them.

Erin dons earmuffs and safety glasses. She starts the sander. Dust flies everywhere over the racket. Everyone yells over the noise. Superman takes two steps and stands next to Wonder Woman.

WONDER WOMAN (CONT’D)

Clark. I didn’t see you there.

SUPERMAN

Really? I’m invisible now? I thought that was just your stupid plane.

WONDER WOMAN

You want to do this right now?

SUPERMAN

I was busy!

WONDER WOMAN

Saving Lois Lane, I’m sure.

CHRISTA

You got up so fast, I didn’t finish.

Christa reaches up and massages Supes’ hair. She takes her hands away revealing his S-curl.

WONDER WOMAN

Or maybe this slut.

Erin shuts off the sander. She takes a hammer and chisel from a drawer and goes to work on the Maid of Might’s cuticles.

CHRISTA

I’m not the one slinking around with Bedazzled boobs.

Wonder Woman jumps up, knocking the table over. She turns to Christa. Christa stares her down. Erin rights the table and starts picking everything up.

ERIN

Why don’t you come back in an hour? I’ll throw in a free wax.

WONDER WOMAN

Why would I--

She looks at Erin’s eyes then looks down at her star-spangled shorts. She storms out.

ERIN

I don’t know why I bother. She’s a lousy tipper. Always going on about Amazonian pride and the bonds of sisterhood. She’s just cheap.

SUPERMAN

You should see her in a restaurant when the bill comes.

The bell rings and SPIDER-MAN shuffles in.

SPIDER-MAN

Excuse me?

ERIN

Can I help you?

SPIDER-MAN

I’ve got a bad hangnail and I’m late for a date. My friend Barry says you’re fast.

(Notices Supes)

Oh, hi Clark.

SUPERMAN

Peter.

ERIN

Have a seat.

Supes and Christa go to the front desk and flirt while Spider-man rolls up his sleeves and puts his hands in a bowl of water.

Erin tries to lift one of Spider-man’s hands from the bowl. The bowl sticks.

ERIN (CONT’D)

You can let go.

SPIDER-MAN

Sorry.

She gets the hand free and looks at it.

ERIN

You have very soft hands. So young.

SPIDER-MAN

Thanks.

ERIN

Is this little thing the problem? This is nothing. Give me a sec.

She quickly trims the hangnail.

ERIN (CONT’D)

All better. Wow. Your nails look really good. Do you do them yourself?

SPIDER-MAN

My aunt does them for me. Makes her happy. Who am I to complain?

ERIN

Well, she does a really good job. You don’t need a trim. I’ll just massage in some moisturizer so you don’t get any more of those catchies.

Erin pumps some moisturizer onto Spider-man’s arm and begins rubbing. He drops his shoulders and his whole body relaxes.

SPIDER-MAN

That feels good. Really good. I squeeze with my hands a lot.

ERIN

I’ll bet you do, tiger.

SPIDER-MAN

(stammering)

I didn’t mean...I mean...

ERIN

Relax.

She rubs his forearm and hand more. He moans softly. Webbing flies out of his wrist.

ERIN (CONT’D)

Uh--

SPIDER-MAN

That’s never happened to me before!

SUPERMAN

That’s not how I hear it.

ERIN

Here. It’s okay. We’ll just clean it up.

She picks up a big wad of webbing and throws it in a trashcan. It sticks to her hand like glue.

SPIDER-MAN

I’m really sorry.

The bell on the door rings and AQUAMAN flounces in.

ERIN

Uh, that one’s on the house. Have a nice day!

Erin and Christa run for the back door.

AQUAMAN

Wait! Who’s going to do my weekly full-body wax?

BLACKOUT: