Friday Sketch War
Learning Something New About History Edition
“Learning Something New About History”
FADE IN:
TITLE GRAPHIC reads “Learning Something New About History”.
BAROQUE MUSIC plays.
A CLASSY NARRATOR with an aged, respectable British voice starts the show.
CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)
This week on “Learning Something New About History” —
TITLE GRAPHIC reads “Hannibal and the Battle of the Tremia”.
CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)
— Hannibal and the Battle of the Tremia. And now as always, Mr. Joey Weitzman.
MUSIC FADES OUT.
JOEY talks with fierce enthusiasm about his subject. His near-constant profanities are all clumsily bleeped out. He speaks over stock photos.
First: a bust of Hannibal.
JOEY (V.O.)
Hannibal. I mean, shit. Just look at him. Hell yeah.
Screencap of Chuck Norris.
JOEY (V.O.)
Fuck. Guys are like, “Chuck Norris is a badass mrmee mrmee woo” —
Screencap of professional wrestling.
JOEY (V.O.)
— or “check out real ultimate fighting lalee bunny froo froo” —
Busts of Scipio and Sempronius.
JOEY (V.O.)
— and I’m like, “You little pussies are like Scipio and Sempronius.”
Battle diagram of the Trebia, showing the location of Roman forces, marked “Bitches”.
JOEY (V.O.)
The two Roman guys were, like, flouncing a tea party by the Trebia —
Bust of Scipio.
JOEY (V.O.)
— and Scipio was all —
(fey falsetto)
“Oh, there’s no way that ass-slaughtering general can find us here!”
Bust of Sempronius.
JOEY (V.O.)
— and then Sempronius was like —
Battle diagram, now with an arrow added — Roman forces approaching the river. The arrow is labelled “weak-ass shit attack”, with black bars over the profanities.
JOEY (V.O.)
(equally-fey falsetto)
“I’ll just put down my doily and launch a little attack.”
The battle diagram now shows another group of forces, labelled “FUCKIN’ HANNIBAL FUCK YEAH”, again with black bars.
JOEY (V.O.)
And then Hannibal was like — “RAAAWR! Ambush, motherfuckers!”
Several arrows from Hannibal’s forces to the Roman forces appear. Joey punctuates each appearance with:
JOEY (V.O.)
Unh! Unh! Unh! And like, killed them with pointy sticks —
A label appears by the Roman forces: “Blood and guts and killing and shit.” Again, a black bar.
JOEY (V.O.)
— and then killed them harder with motherfucking elephants!
JOEY (V.O.)
I mean, fuck, man!
Shots of various ordnance.
JOEY (V.O.)
Yeah, you got your AK, your fuckin’ F-16s, your tanks and shit, fuck that.
Shot of Babar.
JOEY (V.O.)
Somebody throws a motherfuckin’ elephant at your ass, you know you are fucked.
Shot of an elephant.
JOEY (V.O.)
They’re all BOOM BOOM BOOM stomping and trumpeting —
Shot of the olliphaunts from Lord of the Rings.
JOEY (V.O.)
— and all Lord of the Rings and shit. ‘cos that’s how Hannibal rolls.
Map of the Roman empire. An arrow goes from the battle of the Trebia to Lake Trasimene.
JOEY (V.O.)
And the last guys left ran like fuckin’ babies to Lake Trasimene, and Hannibal killed the shit out of them there.
Shot of Rome.
JOEY (V.O.)
And Hannibal could have taken over fucking Rome. But he didn’t even bother. ‘cos he’s fucking awesome.
Screencap of Colonel Hannibal Smith from The A-Team.
JOEY (V.O.)
Okay, the big question: is Hannibal cooler than Hannibal from The A-Team?
Two shots, side-by-side: the A-Team screencap, the Hannibal bust.
JOEY (V.O.)
What the shit, people? Compared to the hero of the motherfucking Carthaginians, A-Team Hannibal was just a pussy with a van. Fuck you, A-Team Hannibal!
Screencap of Faceman.
JOEY (V.O.)
And fuck you, Faceman!
Screencap of B. A.
JOEY (V.O.)
Fu — okay, you’re cool.
Screencap of Murdock.
JOEY (V.O.)
But fuck you — other guy.
Screencap of 300:
JOEY (V.O.)
The other question: what if it was Hannibal versus the badasses from 300?
Two shots, side-by-side: the 300 screencap, the Hannibal bust.
JOEY (V.O.)
But that’s a trick question, ‘cos Hannibal would be, like, “You rule!” and shit, and the Spartans would be all, “You! Are! Awesome!”
A crude Photoshop inserts the bust of Hannibal into the shot.
JOEY (V.O.)
And then they’d join forces, and that shit would rule.
Back to the opening title card: “Learning Something New About History”.
The same BAROQUE MUSIC plays.
CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)
This has been “Learning Something New About History” — stay tuned for next week, when we present: “Jean-Paul Sartre and the Existentialists”.
FADE OUT.