FADE IN:

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

A plain recording space with a big vocal mic and a large television monitor (though we can’t see the screen).

A PRODUCER sits at a console behind a large window.

An ACTOR enters the studio, carrying a script.

PRODUCER

Ready for the next scene?

ACTOR

Yeah, just needed some water.

PRODUCER

Great. Make sure you sync up to the images right.

As the actor puts on a pair of headphones --

ACTOR

Got it.

PRODUCER

Okay, “David Lynch project, commentary track for the visually impaired, scene six, take one.”

The actor watches the screen, then reads from his script.

ACTOR

A beautiful 1965 Cadillac approaches the drugstore.

Pause.

ACTOR

John enters the drugstore.

Short pause.

ACTOR

Everything is bright and cheery in a way that is deeply, deeply unsettling.

Pause.

ACTOR

He approaches the woman at the checkout counter, who looks, not model-hot, but still way too attractive to work at a drugstore.

Pause.

ACTOR

That voice was disembodied.

Pause.

ACTOR

So was that one.

Pause.

ACTOR

She dances slowly to inaudible music.

Pause.

ACTOR

Now the screen’s gone all red and wobbly.

Pause.

ACTOR

We hear her maniacal laughter while her face stays still.

Pause.

ACTOR

I think his mouth has begun eating itself.

Pause. The actor watches the screen for the right moment, then reads from the script:

ACTOR

I don’t even know.

Pause.

ACTOR

The drugstore explodes in a giant fireball.

Pause.

ACTOR

And suddenly returns to normal.

PRODUCER

And that’s a take.

ACTOR

Next scene?

PRODUCER

Sure.

ACTOR

Oh, and are we pronouncing it ‘cephal-uh-pod’ or ‘cephal-oh-pod’?

A sudden PUFF OF SMOKE and a smarmy GAME SHOW HOST appears.

GAME SHOW HOST

Congratulations! You’ve just delivered the most interesting sentence in the universe for March 28th!

ACTOR

What? I did?

PRODUCER

Who are you talking to?

The smoke expands to fill the screen, and the actor and game show host emerges from it to --

INT. CHEAP GAME SHOW STUDIO – DAY

The accoutrements of a low-budget 80s game show occupy what looks like an infinity cave.

A large sign overhead says “The Universe”. A set of curtains wall off a nearby area.

CHEESY PRODUCTION MUSIC plays.

The game show host leads the actor to a seat.

GAME SHOW HOST

And for speaking the most interesting sentence in the universe, you receive a free lifetime supply of Malt-o-Meal, and this 1989 Chevy Corsica!

He waves his arms, and the curtains part to reveal the car as TRIUMPHANT MUSIC plays.

LOUD AUDIENCE APPLAUSE, obviously canned.

GAME SHOW HOST

What do we say, Mr. Winner?

ACTOR

Thanks, universe!

As the host leads the actor over to the car, we cut to --

STILL IMAGE

Text at the top: “The Universe: brought to you by...”

And there is a logo for “Quickie Lube”.

VOICEOVER

Promotional consideration for The Universe by Quickie Lube Oil Change. Remember: the only thing vaguely-sexual about Quickie Lube is our prices!

FADE OUT.