FADE IN:

TITLE GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong”.

CHEERY BOSSA NOVA MUSIC plays throughout. This is the only audio.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #1”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

NEIL and WENDY, dressed nicely, sit opposite each other at a table in an elegant restaurant.

They both look bored.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#1: Complete lack of chemistry.”

Neil pulls out a paddle-ball and starts playing with it just before we CUT TO:

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #2”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Wendy sits at the table as before.

Neil? Nowhere to be seen.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#2: Mis-reading 8:30pm as 6:30pm.”

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #3”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Wendy sits alone at the table. A cell phone sits on the table beside her. A SIREN flashes somewhere offscreen.

Neil enters DRESSED AS A COP.

He sizes up the location, a bit perplexed. He says something into his radio.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#3: You didn’t make it clear that it *was* a date.”

Neil sees Wendy.

Wendy waves at Neil coyly.

Neil looks confused.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #4”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Neil and Wendy sit at the table.

Neil wears the traditional garb of Hasidic Judaism.

Wendy wears a Nazi uniform.

They both look awkward and uncomfortable.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#4: Insurmountable cultural differences.”

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #5”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Neil sits at the table, bored to the point of nodding off.

Wendy talks at him excitedly.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#5: You can’t stop talking about the Second Punic War.”

Wendy pulls out a large map as a visual aid.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #5b”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Exact same scene as before.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#5b: He refuses to listen to your brilliant commentary about the Second Punic War.”

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #6”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Wendy and Neil sit at the table. They both have plates of food. Neil’s head is face-down on the table. He ain’t moving.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#6: Death.”

Wendy slowly, furtively steals a bit of food from Neil’s plate.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #7”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Neil and Wendy have a perfectly nice time. Nothing going wrong at all.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#7: Attacked by ninjas.”

NINJAS emerge from the shadows and carry them both off.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #8”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Neil and Wendy have another perfectly nice time.

A WAITER comes by and greets Neil.

Suddenly, Wendy pulls out a GUN, points it at Neil, and starts yelling at him.

Some COPS enter behind Wendy and do the same.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#8: It’s actually an elaborate sting operation.”

Neil jumps up, sweeps away half the stuff off the table, and grabs his fork and knife.

Neil gets behind the waiter and holds the knife to the waiter’s neck. He brandishes the fork at Wendy & Co.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #9”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Neil and Wendy enjoy a quiet moment.

A salt shaker sits on the table.

Wendy gestures at the salt shaker.

It levitates about a foot off the table.

Neil looks at Wendy with alarm.

Wendy gestures the salt shaker back down.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#9: You accidentally reveal your scary telekinetic powers.”

An awkward moment.

Wendy pulls out a paddle-ball and tries to distract Neil by playing with it.

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #10”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Neil and Wendy are having a pleasant time again.

There is a flash of light, and a puff of smoke emanates from offscreen.

OLDER WENDY enters and all but drags a reluctant Wendy away.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#10: Later in life, you invent time travel.”

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #11”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Neil and Wendy chat.

Neil disappears in a puff of smoke.

In his place is a live chicken.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#11: One of you turns into a chicken.”

Wendy, all-but-entranced and nearly-drooling, picks up her knife and fork.

ADDITIONAL SUBTITLE: “… a juicy, delicious chicken.”

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #12”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Neil and Wendy chat pleasantly.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#12: Sudden, explosive bleeding from the eyes.”

They continue to chat pleasantly.

ADDITIONAL SUBTITLE: “(not shown)”

FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #13”.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Neil and Wendy have a wonderful time.

A SUBTITLE appears: “#13: The date is fictional.”

The DIRECTOR wanders into the shot and talks to Neil and Wendy.

ZOOM OUT to include the rest of the set.

A CAMERAMAN wanders in front of the camera, reaches around to turn it off, and we —

BLACK OUT.