RA’s Hippie Apology

Uh, I’ve been spinning my wheels all week and not very productive outside work. At work? Gang busters. Out in the world, where I actually give a shit about stuff? Not so much.

I still hope to write a sketch for this week but in the meantime how about taking a trip in the wayback machine to March of 2008 when I last tackled hippies. (It took three showers to wash their funk off after tackling them, too.)

So until later (or not,) I give you…Fight the Patriarchy.

Pirates Wrapup

I’ve been lax the last few weeks in wrapping up the battles. But this week I was Shanghaied and conscripted to service aboard the ‘Bountiful Booty’. It’s write this wrapup or scrape the barnacles off Captain Jack’s peg leg.

If you thought pirates were interesting, wait until you see what the sketch warriors do with their kissing cousins: hippies.

If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a sketch and contact us at submissions(nospam)@sketchwar.org.

Cronenbergtonville

[fountain]
EXT. TREE-LINED STREET – DAY
Bright, sunny, animated in a style that’s a cross between “Ren and Stimpy” and latter Hanna-Barbera. DAVEY lopes down the sidewalk, meeting NICKY pulling KIRILL around in a RADIO FLYER WAGON.

DAVEY
Hey guys. I see you got Nicky to pull you around, again.

KIRILL
He’s no driver. He is the undertaker!

DAVEY
What does that even mean?
Continue reading Cronenbergtonville

Clean Bill of Health

Oy. Not loving this one too much. I started in a trauma center and dumped that. Then I moved on to the barber shop. Then I decided I was so in love with an idea I had to shoehorn it in the middle here…you’ll see what I mean. I think there are two good sketches that could be made from this mess, but I don’t have either of them.

[fountain]
INT. BARBER SHOP – DAY
An old-school barber shop with three MIDDLEAGED ITALIAN MEN sporting slicked hair and white coats. The formica and linoleum sparkle. A small TV mounted above the mirrors plays a news program. The bell on the door rings and MICHAEL, obese and sloppy, trudges in eating a SnoBall. He plops in the seat in front of JOHNNY, the youngest and sleekest of the barbers.

JOHNNY
What can I do you for, Mikey?

MICHAEL
A little off the top. I’ve got a date with Maria Pasquino tonight and I want to look my best.

JOHNNY
You’ve got it, Mikey.

Johnny takes a carefully folded sheet from the shelf under the mirror and with a wrist flip snaps it to full length before wrapping Michael with it. He then reaches for a long hose with a needle attachment.

MICHAEL
Not too close. I like to leave a little for the ladies to hold onto if you know what I mean.
Continue reading Clean Bill of Health

Interviews That Never Aired Wrapup

With cable, satellite, and millions of websites streaming content, 24/7/52/7/7 ((That’s 24 hours in a day, by seven days in a week, by 52 weeks in a year, by seven years between sabbaticals, by seven sabbatical cycles in a jubilee. I mean, we’ve got a LOT of content.)) straight into our brains ((The aluminum foil hat doesn’t go with my shoes.)) you’d think we’d be hard-pressed to find any interviews that hadn’t filled up *someone’s* empty airtime. I mean, have you *seen* the crap on FOX and CNN?

But succeed we did, three times over. These interviews have been in the vaults, in one case for millenia, and unseen by the public until this week. Aren’t you lucky!

We’ve got friends, Romans, and quarterbacks this week. Take a look and don’t forget to send your friends on by. We’re always open.

Next week’s cue promises to be explosive. Be sure to come back around when the sketch warriors take on, The State of Healthcare.

If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a sketch and contact us at submissions(nospam)@sketchwar.org.

Cicero and Brutus

Being a radio interview conducted on the floor of the Roman Forum, 15 March, 44 B.C.

[fountain]
Sounds of cheering and applause.

CICERO
Brutus! Brutus! Do you have a minute?
(Beat)
Brutus, that was a hell of a shot there. Was that something you’d drawn up, or did you just take the dagger and create?

BRUTUS
We’ve got a lot of set plays for situations like these, Cicero. What we were trying to run there was a play called Red Rubicon Right, but Caesar anticipated and defended against it so I had to improvise.
Continue reading Cicero and Brutus

Mother’s Day Wrapup

With a topic as rich and pregnant with possibilities as this, I’d hoped the warriors would have come from far and wide to toss their humor grenades into the ring. Then I remembered not *every* comedy writer has a Jewish mother. While being chosen isn’t a requirement for being funny ((Richard Pryor: non-Jew.)) and is certainly no predictor for comic ability, ((Howie Mandel: Jew.)) it does give us an edge in writing funny stuff about mothers.

I mean, with my goyim friends, what can they do? Make fun of sandwiches made with mayonnaise and white bread? Mock index funds? Mine comedy out of minivans?

So we had a short week, but three excellent entries:

Blow up sex dolls, truffle canapés, killer robots and disappointed mothers vie for your affection this week. Won’t you be a good boy or girl and just come by and say a little hello to your dear old sketch about mom? And would it kill you to tell your friends? Maybe while you get a haircut; you look a little shaggy.

Next week our sketch warriors will battle on the cue: Interviews That Never Aired.

If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a sketch and contact us at submissions(nospam)@sketchwar.org.

Virgin Mother’s Day

Jewish mothers never change.

[fountain]
EXT. DUSTY BAZAAR – DAY
Various stalls selling food and goods provide the backdrop for a group of FOUR WOMEN in traditional dress of 2000 years ago. MARY wears a black band around her arm. Dissolving one into the next we see…
Title: Galilee
Title: 0 B.C.
Title: Sunday, May 10
Title: 2-ish

MARY
So Rachel, how’s your Peter doing?

RACHEL brandishes a very small bouquet of flowers.

Continue reading Virgin Mother’s Day