Colonel Matt Mecury – Defender of Earth!!!

The last two weeks were “write 65% of the sketch, then get gobsmacked with something urgent, wake-up Saturday and think ‘aw crap, I didn’t finish the sketch'””.

Ahhhhh…back in the ring….

This scene is completely a radio play – no visible actors, done either in the dark or just as an audio recording.

CAST:
ANNOUNCER – male, 50’s
SINGERS – all female voices
COLONEL MATT MERCURY    – male, late 30’s to early 40’s
BUCK TUCKER – male, early 20’s
PAGE – male, late teens
BESS – late 20’s
PRODUCER – male, mid \ late 40’s
MUSICIAN – male, 50’s
Continue reading Colonel Matt Mecury – Defender of Earth!!!

And now it’s time for…

I was a little skeptical about this weeks challenge at first – writing sketches for what (in some cases) are iconic characters created by comic geniuses felt intimidating and limiting.  But for me, it ended up being a way of bringing some of my favorite characters into the modern world, and seeing what they’d think of it.  So here’s my take on…well, why ruin the surprise….

Continue reading And now it’s time for…

FSW: Pimp my TV (bonus entry from Ken)

Well, I couldn’t resist. I had this idea when I was working on the Facts of Life sketch earlier for this weeks “Pimp My TV” theme, and people giggled everytime I mentioned it. So, I just had to write it up. I’m just being a little high-concept sketch piggy this week 🙂

Anyway, hope you enjoy this:
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INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY

Close up on a tuxedo clad handsome blond man in his early thirties, DR. CHASE, adjusts his clothes for a night out when the camera freezes on a closeup of his face

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Dr. Jonathan Chase… wealthy, young, handsome. A man with the brightest of futures. A man with the darkest of pasts. From Africa’s deepest recesses, to the rarefied peaks of Tibet, heir to his father’s legacy and the world’s darkest mysteries. Jonathan Chase, master of the secrets that divide man from animal, animal from man

The camera un-freezes. The doorbell rings and DR. CHASE answers. CHICO, a young handsome latino in his early twenties stands there.

CHICO

Hey, man…you need, like, any help with the gardening, or maybe someone to wash your limo?

Freeze on a close up of CHICO’S face

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Chico Juarez…unemployed, young, latino. A man with a questionable future. A man with a past no one cares about. Heir to his cousin’s Econovan, master of the dance floor.

Camera un-freezes. DR. CHASE walks over to CHICO and puts his hand on his shoulder.
The Ghostly head of Dr. Chase’s father, Dr. CHASE Senior appears. Only DR. CHASE can see or hear it.

DR. CHASE SENIOR

(in an ethereal voice)

Jonathan…this man can help you in your quest…accept his aid

The head fades

DR. CHASE

My friend, providence has brought us together.

CHICO

No man…I just noticed you got, like, the only mansion in the barrio. So I figure you got money and you like Mexicans, si hermano? Hey, nice threads, man! Hot date tonight?

Camera freezes on the two men facing other in profile.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Together, they’re an unstoppable crime-fighting force of nature.

They turn to silhouettes and titles fly in:
CHICO AND THE MANIMAL

CUT TO:

INT. LIMO – NIGHT

CHICO, now wears a chauffeur’s uniform and drives, while DR. CHASE, still in his tuxedo.

CHICO

Why we gotta follow this car man? My cousin is the bouncer at this hot club…wall to wall chicas.

DR. CHASE

They’re stopping. Quick…the window.

CHICO stops the car, and presses a button lowering a back window. DR. CHASE transforms into a black panther. After a dramatic snarl the panther leaps out the back window in slow motion. CHICO stares ahead looking on in awe.

CHICO

Go get ‘em Dr. Chase.

CHICO notices a smell in the air. After sniffing he looks in the back seat.

CHICO

Awww man…you chase bad guys, I get to hose out the back seat…again!!! Madre de Dios.

CUT TO:

INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

With the unknowing assistance of Detective Brooke Mackenzie, they’ll fight to take back the city from the evil that consumes it.

BROOKE MACKNZIE, a beautiful blonde police detective in her late twenties addresses DR. CHASE

BROOKE

If you do see a panther in the area, don’t try to subdue it yourself.

DR. CHASE

Of course detective Mackenzie. But how curious that a wild animal like that was such an aid in apprehending those arms dealers.

BROOKE

Yes, it was curious…are you sure…

CHICO enters, looking at BROOKE and obviously attracted. BROOKE notices CHICO, and stumbles over her words.

BROOKE (CONT)

I…ummm…

CHICO

Que pasa, chica?

CHICO walks around BROOKE, slowly checking her out. BROOKE giggles slightly

DR. CHASE

But the panther was of tremendous help…one might even say heroic in it’s actions.

BROOKE

Oh God yeah…it was so…so hot…helpful, I mean…oh yeah, soooooooo helpful. He moves so gracefully…IT..IT moved!

CUT TO:

EXT. ABANDONED DIRT LOT – NIGHT

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Together, they’ll face everything the mean streets can throw at them

CHICO drags DR. CHASE around the corner of a chain link fence, falling back against it. Both men are scraped, bloody and bruised, with large rips in their clothes. CHICO looks back to make sure they weren’t followed.

DR. CHASE

You’ve saved my life my friend. I’m forever in your debt.

CHICO

Just promise me one thing.

DR. CHASE

Anything.

CHICO

Don’t EVER change into a chicken in the barrio again. It’s suicide!

CUT TO:

INT. WAREHOUSE LOFT – NIGHT

CHICO talks to JORGE, while DR. CHASE stands nearby.

CHICO

(to DR. CHASE)

Jorge’s my cousin, it’s cool. Show him.

DR. CHASE looks nervous, then transforms into a panther.

JORGE

Madre de Dios! It’s true!

JORGE runs off screen and returns a black velvet canvas on an easel, and starts painting the panther in neon colores. CHICO smiles

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

When animal magnetism meets latin heat, it can only be…

Titles fly in as the ANNOUNCER says them

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Chico….and the Manimal!

BLACK OUT

FSW: Advertising Edition (Ken’s Entry)

Okay…I’m an idiot. Yes, I did briefly post this Friday, wondering why everyone else didn’t post yet. And then my tiny little brain went “oh yeah, this is the week we’re waiting until Monday”

So…ummmm….sorry, and….my bad.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

What Superbowl would be complete without a car commercial, huh? So here’s my little homage to Detroit’s marketing machine, and some ideas of how they can get back on track in tough times.
_____________________________________________

FADE IN:

EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – DUSK

The sun sets over a rugged orange desert plain, scattered with scrub brush, cactus and purple rocky outcroppings. A camp of cowboys sits around a fire. One cowboy, DYLAN, square jawed handsome and rugged, crouches over a fire and pours coffee into a tin cup as he looks past the herd of cattle watching and sees distant lightning on the horizon. Acoustic guitar strums start in the soundtrack, and a male singer with a Springstein \ Mellencamp type voice and a country-rock twang starts singing.

SINGER (V.O.)

There’s a hard wind blowin’
‘Cross the world today
Storm clouds are building
And skies look gray

CUT TO:

EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – NIGHT

It’s now raining very hard in the night – a major storm. Our cowboys are on horseback herding cattle through a torrential downpour. They are just shadows occasionally lit by lightning strikes. DYLAN makes some impressive cutting moves on his horse

SINGER (V.O.)

But when things get bad
And times look rough
Americans buckle down
And get tough

Another young, but handsome cowboy, CODY, looks over the side of the cliff his horse is near when a lightning strike nearby spooks his horse. The horse rears up in and CODY is thrown over the side of the cliff (all in slow motion).

CLOSE UP ON DYLAN

DYLAN sees CODY go over the cliff, and immediately spurs his horse over in a mad gallop(all in slow motion)

SINGER (V.O.)

We don’t walk away
When we’ve got a tough fight
We grab our neighbor’s hand
And we push through the night

CUT TO:

EXT. CLIFF – NIGHT

CODY barely hangs on to a wet rocky handhold. He struggles to hang on as he sees the huge drop below, but his gloves are giving way. Just as CODY slips completely, DYLAN’s manly hand grabs his. DYLAN grimaces in determination as he hauls CODY back up from certain death.

CUT TO:

EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – NIGHT

As they stand back up on terra firma, DYLAN and CODY walk back to CODY’s horse. CODY still looks shaken, but unflappable DYALN claps him on the back, then hands CODY the reins to the horse that just threw him. CODY climbs back up, and DYALN strides back over to his own horse. They get back to the business of herding cattle in the rain.

CUT TO:

EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – MORNING

The sun starts rising over the plains in a brilliant rain-free collage of orange, red and pink. Flowers are everywhere now, in full bloom from their soaking in the night, and dripping clean raindrops on the ground. DYLAN and CODY look at each other, and confidently nod with only the vaguest hints of smiles on their lips.

SINGER (V.O.)

You know you’ll make it through
No matter how far
You’re American tough
Now buy a fuckin’ car

CUT TO:

EXT. SUBURBAN FRONT LAWN – DAY

A man, his wife, and two boys (BOTH about 8 years old), all dressed in really ugly western wear stand in front of a big black SUV. Text fades in on screen:
CHEVY TAHOE
IT TAKES HUGE BALLS TO DRIVE A VEHICLE NAMED AFTER A PLACE BEING WRECKED BY IT’S EMISSIONS

SINGER (V.O.)

We hired famous singers
And used their big hits
We made tons of commercials
Showing girls with big tits

But you bastards went out
And bought Japanese
You stuck us with thousands
Of SUV’s

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHSCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY

A man in his early 50’s stands in front of super-shiny red Corvette. The man is dressed like he belongs in a boy band, but his large pot belly and wind-swept toupee give him away.
More text fades in on screen:
CHEVY CORVETTE
BECAUSE NO OTHER CAR IN THE WORLD SAYS ‘RECENTLY DIVORCED, IN DENIAL, AND EASILY MANIPULATED’ THE WAY WE CAN

SINGER (V.O.)

(chorus)

We lost our private jets
Cause no one bought Corvettes
The UAW
Has us totally screwed
We know we’re making trash
But man, we need the cash
So get American tough
And buy our fuckin’ cars

(bridge)

Now we know your money’s tight
And times have gotten lean
But we still run this company
Like it’s 1913

Becoming more efficient
Just ain’t in our plan
We’ll just pump you full of guilt
Until you buy American

CUT TO:

EXT. BEACH – DAY

A charcoal gray Chevy Malibu sits in front of the sand, waves carrying surfers crash in the background. A guy and a girl, both in their twenties, exit the Malibu wearing bathing suits and sunglasses, and run down to the beach. Text fades in:
CHEVY MALIBU
YES, WE KNOW NO ONE WHO LIVES IN MALIBU WOULD EVER BE SEEN DEAD IN THIS CAR. BUT YOU PROBABLY KNOW PEOPLE WHO’D BE IMPRESSED BY JUST THE NAME, AND THINK IT MUST SOMETHING REALLY EXOTIC. JUST DON’T EVER THEM SEE YOU DRIVING IT.

SINGER (V.O.)

(back to verse)

Some people want a hybrid
Then go out and buy a Prius
But buy an eco-friendly foreign car
Is just like pissin’ on Jesus

Stop worrying ‘bout tomorrow
Life can be an endless Summer
Just speed up global warming
And buy a big ol’ Hummer

CUT TO:

EXT. WHEAT FIELD – DAY

A blue Chevy Volt sits in front of a field of waving wheat. Text fades in on screen:
COMING SOON – CHEVY VOLT
STILL WON’T BE OUT FOR OVER A YEAR, AND WILL PROBABLY HAVE PROBLEMS EVEN THEN. BUT IF YOU BUY ONE OF OUR CARS NOW, YOU CAN ACT SMUG LATER ON BECAUSE YOU BOUGHT FROM A COMPANY THAT MAKES GREEN CARS (IF THIS THING EVER DOES GET TO MARKET)

SINGER (V.O.)

(back to chorus)

We lost our private jets
Cause no one bought Corvettes
The UAW
Has us totally screwed
We know we’re making trash
But man, we need the cash
So get American tough
And buy our fuckin’ cars

Please buy our fuckin’ cars

(this keeps repeating through the end, fading out a little each time)

The screen fades into closeup of a waving American flag, then the Chevrolet logo fades up.
Titles fade up on the screen over the logo:
CHEVROLET
ALL AMERICAN
AND IF YOU DON’T BUY A CAR FROM US YOU’RE A GOD-HATING TERRORIST FAGGOT DOUCHEBAG…AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW IT

FADE TO BLACK.

FSW: Borders Edition (Michael’s Entry)

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

A large, olive green tent is set up in a desolated parking lot. The remnants of burned out cars sit around it. The urban landscape is near ruin. There is a Red Cross painted on top of the tent. A long line of disheveled, sickly looking refugee-types are waiting their turn. A helicopter flies over, low enough that people duck their heads in worry, and is gone. In the distance, the sound of barking dogs. Or maybe gunfire.

At the back of the tent stands KARRIE MOORE, 30s, British, tired but still lovely to look at. She takes a long drag off of a cigarette. She wears a yellow, plastic apron that is smeared with blood. A moment later, HENRI FALCONE, 40s, French, rakishly handsome, exits the tent, wiping his hands on a bloody rag.

HENRI
Those things will kill you, no?

KARRIE
(taking another drag)
I’m trying to build up an immunity.

HENRI
Busy day today.

KARRIE
It’s been like this since we arrived.

HENRI
I’ve been working with Médecins Sans Frontières for over a ten years now. This is one of the worst places I’ve ever been sent.

KARRIE
They ever sent you to any good places?

HENRI
Just when they send me home. How about you?

KARRIE
This is my first assignment.

HENRI
And?

KARRIE
I can handle the blood. Gunshot wounds. Stabbings.

HENRI
That’s good considering this is practically a war zone.

KARRIE
It’s the children that get to me.

HENRI
Oui.

KARRIE
Their watery eyes filled with fear. We don’t have an immunization for that.
(Beat)
Makes me feel helpless. Like I’m doing nothing.

Henri puts a hand on her shoulder.

HENRI
You’re doing more for them then their own people are. That’s not nothing.

KARRIE
You think they’ll ever come a time when we won’t be needed?

HENRI
We can hope, no?

A shiny, black Cadillac Escalade pulls up and the tinted window slides down. The sound of children trying to talk over one another spills out. An overweight man leans out the window. He has a severe Texan twang.

TEXAN
Pardon me, Miss. Y’all wouldn’t be able to help us, would ya?

KARRIE
Is someone in need of medical attention?

Henri sticks his head into the tent.

HENRI
Stretcher!

TEXAN
Oh no, no. It’s nothing like that. We’re all as fit as fiddles.

The back window rolls down to reveal two very plump children sitting in the back seat, both sucking on super-sized sodas. They wave their pudgy hands at Karrie and Henri.

TEXAN
But we are lost.

KARRIE
Lost?

TEXAN
We’re trying to find the Henry Ford Museum, but this here map’s got us turned every which way. Who knew Detroit would be so confusing to drive around?

HENRI (Under his breath)
Merde.

KARRIE
I’m sorry, I don’t know where that is. But some of the locals might be able to help you.

She points to the people waiting in line. Texan takes a look at them and cocks an eyebrow.

TEXAN
Uh, thanks. But I think we’ll just keep drivin’ around. We’re bound to come across it sooner or later, right. Thanks.

He rolls up his window and begins to drive off. Two large McDonald’s bags are tossed out of the rear window before it slides back up. The stretcher bearers arrive.

HENRI
Sorry, false alarm.

They go back into the tent.

KARRIE
You know what’s ironic? I always wanted to visit the states when I was a kid.

HENRI
At least they still have running water.

KARRIE
Yeah, but don’t drink it.

They share a laugh. Karrie flicks her cigarette to the ground and steps on it, grinding it into the dirt. They head back into the tent.

FADE OUT

FSW: We Three Kings…

The gods of writing have pretty much conspried against me getting anything out before Friday these days. I’m just thankful for that west-coast midnight deadline 🙂
Our newest sketch warrior suggested the theme last week: Learning Something New About History.
I figured I’d jump the gun and get into the Christmas spirit as well.
Richard took us to school about Harry Truman – no word from Peter yet. I’ll update when others report in for battle.
But for now, these three kings of orient are possibly trying to smoke a rubber cigar:
___________________________________________________________________
EXT. DESERT MUD HUT – NIGHT
BALTHASAR, MELCHIOR and CASPAR all stare up into the night sky

BALTHASAR
Oh yeah – that’s definitely an “a-Messiah-is-born” star. No doubt about it.

MELCHIOR
It’s so bright.

CASPAR
Wow….just…..wow.

MELCHIOR
We should probably go inside…we’re probably damaging our eyes staring at it.

CASPAR
We should, like, follow that star man.

BALTHASAR
Caspar you are such a goddamn hippie.

CASPAR
Oh come on man…if there’s a baby messiah under that thing, like the prophecies say, we should go and meet it, introduce ourselves.

BALTHASAR
Hmmmmm…3 wise men, meeting a baby with a big future…not bad. Nice…heart-warming.

MELCHIOR
We should wait and leave in the morning. Riding a camel in the dark is definitely not wise.

BALTHASAR
Think we can get some press to meet us there? Judean Sun Times, maybe The Daily Roman?

CASPAR
Balthasar, not everything is about publicity man! Some things are about love…sharing, connecting with people, bringing the world together.

MELCHIOR
As long as I don’t have to hug the baby…they’re very germy.

CASPAR
We just go, meet the new messiah, maybe give them some new baby gifts…

MELCHIOR
Ooo! I’ve got the perfect thing…a vaporizer. It’s so dry in the desert. And dusty! Oy!

CASPAR
I saw this really cool gourd rattle that would be good, and I can put together some medicinal herbs for the baby, you know, for like when he gets colicy, or starts teething…write out some instructions for the new mommy. I think that could be helpful.

BALTHASAR
Oh….I know. I’m bringing gold. A big bag of gold.

MELCHIOR and CASPAR pause, and stare at BALTHASAR

MELCHIOR
You bastard.

CASPAR
Oh man…you just don’t get it.

BALTHASAR
What? They can just buy whatever they need. Or hold on to it, put it in the messiah‘s college fund.

MELCHIOR
Well, I can’t bring a vaporizer if you’re bringing gold. I’d look like a schmuck.

CASPAR
Balthy, Melchior and I are happy your self-help scroll became a such a big seller. But would you please stop flaunting it.

BALTHASAR
Did you hear it’s getting released in Egyptian?

CASPAR
Do you hear yourself, man? You want to give a bag of gold to a baby, to the king of kings….the son of God. What is he going to do with gold?

MELCHIOR
A baby could choke on those coins…and they’re definitely not sanitary. Who knows where they’ve been. Dirty Romans!

BALTHASAR
Look, if he’s the song of God, why bring him anything anyway, right? Not like he needs something his Dad can’t give him.

CASPAR
That’s not the point man….we give him stuff that says “hey, welcome to the mortal plane…thanks for coming, we want to make you more at home so you stay a while”

MELCHIOR
Vaporizers make desert air much more breathable.

CASPAR
Maybe some personal stuff….stuff From the heart.

BALTHASAR
My money is personal. I made it, and I’m very attached to it. Tis is my way of saying “I’ve been fortunate, and I’m happy to give a little back”

MELCHIOR
You’re saying “I’m a rich bastard who sucks up to deities” is what you’re saying.

BALTHASAR
God gave me the wisdom to write a best-selling self-help scroll. Sue me if I want to give something to his offspring as a thank you for what he gave me.

MELCHIOR
God would throw up if he thought he contributed to “He’s Just Not That Into Jews”. You want to give something? Give him your promise to never write again. There’s a gift he can use!

BALTHASAR
You two have been riding my robe-tails for years. Go ahead admit it – you are so jealous that I’m getting rich and famous, and you can’t even get a Roman research grant.

MELCHIOR
That is not fair! You know those grants are biased against non-latin speakers.

CASPAR
Oh man…you two are bumming me out so bad right now.

MELCHIOR
Happy now? You know how sensitive he is. I’m sorry Caspar. I shouldn’t let him get to me.

CASPAR
It’s alright Melchie. Balthy, maybe you should reconsider…give them something a little less pretentious, more appropriate for a baby. How about a puppy?

MELCHIOR
Or maybe, I don’t know, something you could strap to the side of a donkey that doesn’t say “I have a big exposed bag of gold – please conk me on the head with a rock and steal it.”

BALTHASAR
Look, I’ll give what I want to give, and you give whatever you want to…and can afford to give.

CASPAR and MELCHIOR look at each other, resigned.

CASPAR
Hey Melchie, what do you think of frankincense? You know, as a present for the baby messiah?

MELCHIOR
Oh good choice Caspar. Very nice.

BALTHASAR
What’s that?

CASPAR
Oh man…it’s like this really special type of incense. All natural, homeopathic, and a very unique scent. I know, like, rich people really dig it these days, for their huts and throne rooms and stuff, but my friend Raul makes most of it, so I could probably get a bunch for cheap.

MELCHIOR
You know, I bet I could get a nice bottle of myrrh from Hiram down at the apothecary. He owes me for tutoring his daughter in Sanskrit.

CASPAR
Oh that’s a great idea man!

BALTHASAR
Myrrh? I’ve never heard of myrrh.

CASPAR
It’s a healing balm.

MELCHIOR
Like Neosporin, but for rich-people. It’s got a real nice smell, and everyone thinks it’s exotic because of the name. They did some very nice branding on Myrrh.

BALTHASAR
I’ve never heard of frankincense or myrrh. I bet most people haven’t.

CASPAR
Probably not.

MELCHIOR
Which will make them seem more special, and personal. Not cold, common and ordinary like gold….I mean, anybody can get gold, right?

BALTHASAR
Yeah, but everybody KNOWS what gold is. Years from now people will still remember that one wise man gave the messiah baby gold.

CASPAR
Yeah, but they’ll talk about the frankincense and the myrrh, since those are like, rare and mysterious…they’ll, like, have to go look those up.

MELCHIOR
And at dinner parties they’ll be like “well, one of them gave gold, but what’s frankincense?”

CASPAR
“What’s Myrrh?”

MELCHIOR
Those will be what everybody talks about.

CASPAR
Forever.

MELCHIOR
People just can’t resist a little mystery, or talking about exotic things, can they?

CASPAR
Nope. Just in their nature.

BALTHASAR looks in angry disbelief at CASPAR and MELCHIOR. The storms off stage.

CASPAR
Hey Balthy, where you going man?

BALTHASAR (O.S.)
To find a fucking puppy!

CASPAR
(to MELCHIOR)
You’re still going with the vaporizer, right?

MELCHIOR
Never considered myrrh for a second. You?

CASPAR
They’d arrest me on sight for giving frankincense to a baby. But I got a little back in the hut….want to smoke some and stare at the messiah star?

MELCHIOR
Why not. My eyes could stand a little more damage.

MELCHIOR and CASPAR exit

FADE TO BLACK.

FSW: Oprah Edition

Annnnnnnndddd coming in just under the wire…

It’s Friday Sketch War….and if you’re going to come to a war, it’s nice to be fashionably late (hey, it worked for the U.S. in both world wars, right???).

Anyway here’s my foray into the world of Oprah…and her friends.

Peter put the Big O in Oprah for us and Richard gave us some lovely homemade gifts

Not sure who’s handling our theme for next week, but following Oprah is gonna be a tough act.
But for now…….heeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee’sssssssss OPRAH!
___________________________________________________________________

INT. OPRAH’S OFFICE – DAY
A large opulent office with pictures of Oprah hanging on every wall. The door opens and here comes the woman herself, followed by her assistant HENRY, who reads off a clipboard.

HENRY
…and Maria confirmed her interview for next Thursday, but she’s coming solo, no Nick. Michelle Obama agreed to write the “First Day as First Lady”article for “O” in January, and she confirmed you have 3 VIP tickets to the inaugural ball.

OPRAH
That’s fabulous Henry. Well done! Thank you so much – you have no idea how much I appreciate everything you do for me.

HENRY
It’s just nice to be part of it all Ms. Winfrey.

OPRAH
Now Henry, you’re my friend…I am never “Ms. Winfrey” to my friends.

HENRY
Alright…..Oprah. Oh heck – I’ll just call you “O”!
(giggles)
I’m going to check on the fundraiser invites – I heard “The Donald” RSVP’d yes this time!

OPRAH
Fabulous Henry. Thank you so much!

HENRY beams as her leaves. OPRAH sits down at her desk and starts going through the various memos and letters sitting there. An electrical crackle is heard outside the door, and light flashes can be seen beneath it. Smoke starts coming under the door right before the door bursts open and T101 walks in carrying an extremely large multi-barreled machine gun. He steps into the room and slams the door closed behind him and locks it.

OPRAH
Excuse me…can I help you?

T101
(in an Austian-accented stiff mechanical voice)
I am a Cyberdyne systems Terminator model 101. I have been sent back in time to terminate you, and stop from destroying the future.

OPRAH
Destroying the future? Honey, are you sure it’s me you’re looking for?

T101
Are you talk show host and media magnate Oprah Winfrey?

OPRAH
Yes, I am.

T101
Then you are the my target. I must destroy you.

OPRAH
Now wait a minute…there must be some mistake. Do you know anything about me?

T101
Oprah Gail Winfrey, born January 29, 1954 in Kosciusko, Mississippi, host of an internationally syndicated talk show, magazine publisher, influential book critic, and philanthropist.

OPRAH
Philanthropist – do you know what that means?

T101
One who actively engages in efforts to promote human welfare through actions and or charitable donations.

OPRAH
Right…I try to help people, with everything I do. My magazine is dedicated to things that make people’s lives better. I recommend books that can positively affect people’s lives. I’ve founded schools. I discovered Dr. Phil. Even my interviews help celebrities deal with issues. I couldn’t possibly hurt people. You must have me confused with someone else.

T101
May 23, 2005 – you interview actor Tom Cruise. Your therapeutic interview style emboldens him to jump up and down on your sofa like a child. Over the next 4 years his inhibitions continue to disappear and he begins making outrageous claims about the healing powers of Scientology. On April 25, 2009, his Scientology powers fully manifest. By the end of 2009, he eradicates all mental illness from the planet and Tom Cruise turns his attention to other illnesses. June 5 2010, Tom Cruise cures the last sick person on the plane. Pharmaceutical companies and health care providers are bankrupted, and the medical-industrial complex is destroyed creating massive financial upheaval. Tom Cruise appoints himself surgeon general of the galaxy then swears undying loyalty to you for unleashing his true potential. He creates an army of scientology-powered healers, placing you in total control of the world’s mental and physical health.

OPRAH
Tom’s little crazy, but disease becomes a thing of the past – that’s amazing! How can that be…

T101
In 2009, the world is on the brink complete financial collapse. The big three American automakers border in complete self-destruction. On May 22nd, 2009, you arrange a secret meeting between yourself and the heads of GM, Ford and Chrysler. Three days later, every household in the world is told to look under their favorite chair. Each finds a key and a note that says “You get a car!”. May 25th, 2009 – millions around the world pick up their free american-made car Gasoline sales soar, and the low Detroit quality standards force all vehicle recipients to seek professional service. Within 30 days, the global economy is booming, and automakers see record profits from replacement parts and mechanics fees. The big 3 automakers and OPEC declare loyalty to you.

OPRAH
Doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with that. People who can’t afford cars get them, the world’s economy is fixed, automakers are saved….everyone’s happy.

T101
On August 5th, 2011 the world enters a new ice age. Vehicle emissions block 68% of the earth’s normal sunlight. No one is depressed due to the efforts of Tom Cruise’s Scientology corps.

OPRAH
Okay. I see where that could have been handled better, but I promise that I will…

T101
On November 6th, 2012 Barack Obama wins his second presidential term with 89% of the popular vote. On December 21st, 2012 – the day ancient Mayans predicted would be the end of the world, President Obama gives a press conference outlining his plan to address the ice age. It is preempted by a CNN report showing the Mayan god of death, Cizin, rising from his dormant underground state and laying waste to Mexico city. President Obama takes flight in front of the White House press corps, revealing himself to be a highly advanced robot. He arrives in Mexico City and fights Cizin. He defeats Cizin. Soon after an anonymous sour
ce coms forward with proof that he created by scientists working in a secret laboratory at “O” magazine.

OPRAH
That’s impossible…no one knows about that lab…how do you..

T101
I am from the future. President Obama has been acting on your commands for his entire political life. You become the most powerful person on the planet controlling health care, the economy, and the United States. On January 27th, 2012, you are appointed queen of the world. Howard Stern commits suicide. After 20 years, most of the planet is well adjusted, exercising regularly and eating a sensible diet. Anyone who refuses to get in touch with their feelings is hunted down and sent to inner-child rehabilitation camps. A small group of rebels storm the “O” robotics lab, and under poor conditions create the terminators to stop you and your enforcers.

OPRAH
I don’t think you want to stop me…I think you need….

OPRAH dives for her desk and hits a button. A panel in the wall behind her opens up, and Dr. Phil marches out with a large gun

DR. PHIL
…a big dose of reality son!

T101 fires and blows Dr. Phil’s head off. It sputters and sparks.

T101
I was forewarned about your Dr. Phil robot. Now, I must kill you.

OPRAH
Wait….you don’t have to be this way, a mindless killer. There’s a part of you that feels regret and sorrow for me.

T101
I have now feelings. I am a machine. Your therapeutic questioning cannot affect me.

OPRAH
Alright. You know yourself best. Just let me give you a last present – a book I’m reviewing.

OPRAH picks up a book off her desk and tosses it to T101

T101
(reading the book title)
“You Are Not A Machine – reclaiming your humanity”. You’re attempt at distraction is wasted on….
(pausing as he skims through the book)
I have felt alone like this….how the author know?

OPRAH has pulled out a bazooka from under her desk and she shoots T101 with it. He explodes in a ball fire. Parts fall smoldering everywhere. The phone on the desk buzzes. OPRAH picks it up.

HENRY (on phone)
O? What was that noise? Are you alright?

OPRAH
I’m fine Henry. It was just another terminator. Have security check that time-travel shield around the building, I don’t think it’s working. And have the lab send up another Dr. Phil ASAP.

HENRY (on phone)
Right away O.

OPRAH hangs up the phone, then redials

OPRAH
Barack – this is Big O…access code 41542. Activate Mayan God combat protocols…we’re going to update your database.

FADE OUT

FSW: Horrible Family Holiday edition

Happy almost-Thanksgiving everyone!
This weeks theme was:
horrible family holidays
It was graciously provided by @tjonsek, who suggested it on Richard’s blog. Speaking of Richard, he took us out for a lovely Holiday dinner in New York for his salvo.
I decided to examine the origins of Holiday drama in America.
And…if you’d like to suggest a theme for next week, , leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs.
Meanwhile, in the early 1600’s……
___________________________________________________________________
INT. RUSTIC PILGRIM LODGE – DAY
We’re inside a cabin in Plymouth in the days of the pilgrims. The furniture is all rough hewn wood, and various herbs are hanging from the ceiling drying. There’s a knock on the front door and MILES enters, dressed in full traditional pilgrim garb.

MILES
The pie looks fine. Just scrape the charred part off the top and no one will know the difference.

MILES answers the door. Two American Indians in traditional garb, MASSOTIHAN and his wife POWANIQUA stand in the doorway carrying a few baskets. The sounds of squealing children can be heard outside behind them.

MILES
Heeeeeyyyy!!! Masso! What’s up, my savage?

MILES and MASSOTIHAN go through and elaborate macho handshake \ chest bump \ grunting ritual

MILES (CONT)
Happy Second Thanksgiving Buddy!
(to PRISCILLA offstage)
Hey Babycakes, shake a leg…the Moonwolves are here!

PRISCILLA (O.S.)
Coming.

MILES
Come on in…make yourselves at home.
(shouting out the front door)
Hey Tobias, Dorothy…play nice with the Moonwolf kids, okay? No “Christians and heathens”, okay?

CHILDREN
(from off)
Awwwwwww

MILES
(closes the door)
Wow….it’s getting cold out there. Fucking Plymouth huh? Love the foliage, hate the cold.

MASSOTIHAN
Try living in a tent in this crap. Why you white guys wanted to have the first Thanksgiving outside last year is a mystery to me.

MILES
Hey….we’re European, we never spent any time outside before coming here. We were all hopped up on the “we escaped religious persecution AND survived our first year in the new world” thing, know what I mean? Any problems getting here?

POWANIQUA
We would have been here 30 minutes ago if someone wasn’t absolutely positive it was a left at the burned out oak.

POWANIQUA shoots a glare at MASSOTIHAN

MASSOTIHAN
I’ve only rode over here once before, and that was in spring.

MILES
(to POWANIQUA)
You must be Mrs. Moonwolf. I’m Miles Dogood. It’s nice to finally meet you. Masso talks about you whenever we’re in a hunting party together.

MILES shakes POWANIQUA’s hand

POWANIQUA
Just call me ‘Pow’. We’ll be here all day if you always use my full name.

MILES
Nice furs…can I take those for you?

MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUA take off their fur wraps and hand them to MILES, who takes them offstage. MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUAN set their parcels of food on the table.

MASSOTIHAN
I tell ya’, you white guys sure don’t know shit about wilderness living, but you got that the naming thing right. Short first name, long last name, call everyone by their first name – if that’s too long you just call someone by an even shorter version of their name…so much easier than these long-ass indian names. Just role call for tribal council meetings takes 4 hours.

MILES re-enters and walks over to see what’s on the table.

MILES
Mmmmm…smells good. Corn?

POWANIQUA
Maize.

MILES
Oh right…sorry….forgot.

MASSOTIHAN
There’s maize bread, creamed maize, and maize on the cob. She’s been cooking all week.

MILES
That’s very nice of you Pow. You shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble.

PRISCILLA enters, carrying a mug. She appears to be a little tipsy.

PRISCILLA
(to MILES)
I’ve been cooking all week too…don’t remember hearing you say I shouldn’t go to all that trouble.

MILES
Hey honey…you remember Massotihan Moonwolf, from the hunting parties?

PRISCILLA
Oh yeah…you ride horses with your shirt off, right?

MASSOTIHAN
Sometimes, in summer. It can get hot on those hunts.

PRISCILLA
Oh I bet it does…you get pretty sweaty too. Do you workout, or are you just naturally muscular?
MASSOTIHAN
I play a lot of lacrosse.

PRISCILLA
So you’re good with a long stick huh?

MILES
(ushering PRISCILLA away from MASSOTIHAN)
And this is his wife Powaniqua – ‘Pow’ for short.

PRISCILLA
Well aren’t you a cute young thing…Pow, WOW! HAHAHA

MILES
Let’s have a seat while dinner finishes cooking.

PRISCILLA
“Pow Wow”…get it? God that’s funny.

MILES
(to PRISCILLA)
I think you’ve had eno
ugh ale, turtledove.

MILES tries to take PRISCILLA’s mug away

PRISCILLA
Just try it.

MILES backs off and sits down. An uneasy quiet settles over the room. Priscilla makes a few subtle flirty gestures towards MASSOTIHAN, who looks uncomfortable. When MILES sees her she looks indignant, and just sips more ale. POWANIQUA shoots a few looks at MASSOTIHAN who gives her an “it’s not my fault” gesture right back.

MASSOTIHAN
Something smells good. Wild turkey?

MILES
Oh yeah….big bastard too. Shot it myself…just me and the old blunderbus, snuck up on that big bird and BLAMMO!!! One roaster.

PRISCILLA
(to herself)
Only retarded turkey in Massachusetts.

MILES
What’s happening in the Wampanoag camp these days?

MASSOTIHAN
My father-in-law is running for chief again.

POWANIQUA
It’d be Daddy’s third term.

MILES
Nice.

MASSOTIHAN
He keeps saying he can get me on the tribal council, but I don’t know if I’m cut out for politics.

MILES
I’m with you there….I’m more a man of action myself.

PRISCILLA
Action my ass.

MILES
The church…that’s where the big money is, if you’re a self starter. Go out, convert people, build a congregation, develop your own zealots. Great franchise opportunities.

PRISCILLA
Miles could have been a town elder by now, but SOMEONE didn’t want to burn that witch last May.

MILES
They never proved she was a witch.

PRISCILLA
They threw her in a river and she floated! Helllloooooo!!!

MILES
It was a stream…it was six inches deep!

PRISCILLA
Pussy.

POWANIQUA
Europeans have really mixed feelings about magic, don’t they? We’ve always been supportive of magic people like our medicine man…

PRISCILLA
Just butt of out this, Missy Pow-Now-Brown-Cow, okay?

POWANIQUA
I was just saying…

PRISCILLA
Zip-it, you skinny buckskin-wearing bitch.

POWANIQUA
Well…I never….I…..

POWANIQUA runs out the front door crying.

MASSOTIHAN
Honey, wait….

MASSOTIHAN runs after her

PRISCILLA
Forget the whiny squaw, Squanto. Mama’s got your spirit quest right here!

MILES
Priscilla!

PRISCILLA
(running over to the door shouting after MASSOTIHAN)
Once you go white, you never go back!!!

MILES
PRISCILLA!!!

PRISCILLA
I’ll give you something to be thankful for…lets’ lose that nobility, noble savage!
(clapping hand over her mouth like an indian war whoop)
Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo
MILES
Priscilla close that door and get over here right now or I will get the god damned village exorcist, I shit you not!!
PRISCILLA shuts the door and walks back into the room, and sits.

MILES (CONT)
Every time…EVERY time you get a little too much ale in you, you get mean and completely out of control.

PRISCILLA
I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. It’s just the holidays…I start missing my family, civilized cities, currency, not having bears in the front yard….

MILES
I know honey.

PRISCILLA
And we haven’t been…fruitful…in so long.

MILES
We live in a one bedroom cabin with 2 kids and no doors Priscilla.

PRISCILLA
I know. It just gets to me sometimes.

MILES hugs her.

MILES
Look….why don’t you go make some tea, and let the ale wear off a bit, okay? I’ll go find Masso and Pow and make peace, and then we’ll all have a great Thanksgiving dinner, okay? And after, we’ll figure out how soon we can build a second bedroom.

PRISCILLA
Alright honey. I’m sorry. Really.

MILES hugs PRISCILLA again, then she goes off into the kitchen. The front door opens and MASSOTIHAN re-enters, the sounds of screaming kids playing behind him. MILES runs to the door and shouts out.

MILES
(to the kids outside)
HEY!!! KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE!!! YOU SOUND LIKE A BUNCH OF WILD INDIANS!!!!

MASSOTIHAN gives MILES a pissed off look

MILES
It’s just an expression.

MASSOTIHAN
Sure….no problem. I tell my kids all the time to stop acting like anal-retentive puritans.

MILES
Okay…sorry. I’ll never say that again, okay? Truce?

MASSOTIHAN nods

MILES (CONT)
How’s Pow?

MASSOTIHAN
She’s pissed but she’ll be fine…she’ll be back, she just needs a few minutes.

MILES
Good…Priscilla’s sobering up in the kitchen. Look, I’m sorry about all this.

MILES closes the door. MILES and MASSOTIHAN sit down exhausted in the room.

MILES
I thought we’d squeezed all the drama out of this holiday last year, at the first one.

MASSOTIHAN
Nope. Trust me – we’ve had feasts for thousands of years. There’s always been drama at these damn things. The elders tell tales of holiday drama passed down from the last ice age.

MILES
Does it ever get better?

MASSOTIHAN
Nope. People keep trying though. Year after year…”maybe this year will be different”….”maybe next year will be different”. But it never will be.

MILES
So how do you guys get through these things without going nuts?

MASSOTIHAN looks around to see if anyone’s looking, then pulls a peace pipe out of his tunic.

MASSOTIHAN
Let’s just celebrate the harvest brother….know what I mean?

MILES
Harvest?

MASSOTIHAN
Hell yeah….had a bumper crop of Cape Cod Wowee, you feel me?

MILES
Now you’re talkin’ my red skinned brother. Let’s sneak out back and make some peace.

MASSOTIHA
N and MILES get up, do a fist bump and head out the front door

MILES (CONT)
Oh Lord, we thank thee DEEPLY for this bounty we are about to receive….

FADE OUT.

FSW: Trick or Treat edition

Happy Halloween Everybody!
Let’s drop a little sketch into that goody bag shall we? It’s sugar free, but I won’t gurantee it’s razor-blade free. This week’s theme was “Trick or Treat” – and since I offered it up, I tried to get as many variations of tricks, treats and trick-or-treating into the sketch as possible. Theme honors go back to Richard for next week (although I’m sure a good theme suggested in comments would get used as well – so fire away).
No word from Michael, David or Richard yet….but then again, Richard is sporting a cool-ass Warner Brothers jack-o-lantern, and all I have is a sketch. Updates posted as more goodies get dropped in the blog-bag.
__________________________________________________________________
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – NIGHT
The front porch of a nice suburban middle class house is all a glow with jack-o-lanterns, fake skeletons, a cauldron belching dry-ice smoke, etc. The sounds of a party come from inside – music, laughter, and people havign a great time. Three kids about 10 years old and in old-school costumes – a ghost, a witch and a devil – run up on the porch excited. They ring the doorbell, and THOM answers.

KIDS
Trick or treat!!!

THOM
Awwww…look at you guys! You look great! Hold open your bags.

All the kids do

THOM (CONT)
You guys look so great I’m going to give you extra! Two for you, two for you and two for you!

KIDS
Thank you!!!

The kids run off to the next house

THOM
You’re very welcome – Happy Halloween!!!

KIDS (O.S.)
Happy Halloween!

THOM closes the door and goes back inside.

Three adults walk up to the door now, all in long robes. The woman in the middle of the group – IRENE- wears a back satin robe with a white sash around her shoulders. The two on the ends – ZEKE and FLOYD – wear white robes and carry flaming torches.

They step onto the porch and ring the doorbell too. THOM answers.

THOM
Oh…hey it’s Irene, Zeke and Floyd, isn’t it? Wow, you guys are spooky. You must be…

IRENE immediately pulls out a holy water sprinkler and dowses THOM.

IRENE
FOUL DEMON!!! BEGONE!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE!!!

ZEKE and FLOYD start chanting

THOM
Ahhh, my eyes!!! Jesus!

IRENE lets him have it with the sprinkler again…more chanting ensues

IRENE
USE NOT THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN, FOUL BETRAYER OF THE FAITH!!!!

THOM
Stop that would you?

IRENE motions for ZEKE and FLOYD to stop, but she keeps her sprinkler cocked for action. THOM gets the water out of his eyes.

THOM
Man that burns…what’s in that thing?

IRENE
Holy water, garlic extract and Red Bull.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
It giveth the Lord’s work wings!

THOM
What the heck are you doing?

IRENE
We are on a heavenly quest to rid the neighborhood of sinners, and you are a foul betrayer of the Lord!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
(in unison)
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

IRENE
You celebrate pagan festivals with heathen rituals!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

IRENE
You lure children to your wicked ways with candy.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!

THOM
Annnnnndddddd I didn’t invite you and your brothers to my Halloween party.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!

THOM
That’s what this is really about, isn’t it Irene? The fact that I didn’t invite you to my party?

IRENE
No…not at all. We did not want to be invited to your pagan celebration of evil.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL CELEBRATION!!!

THOM
Irene, I only know you because you run the doggie day-care.

IRENE
We are just doing the Lord’s work…to purge our neighborhood of evil.

THOM
Look, it’s just a bunch of friends from my law office and some old college buddies. You and your brothers would feel a really out of place.

IRENE sees the cauldron decoration

IRENE
Look…a cauldron. A tool of the witch….yet he is male! HE PROMOTES WITCHCRAFT AND HOMOSEXUALITY!!!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL GENDER BETRAYER!!!

More chanting and holy water

THOM
(to IRENE)
You and your brothers take great care of Mr. Barkley, but I don’t really know you at all. I just see you when I drop him off.

IRENE
Summon the rest of the congregation. Tell them to bring torches.

ZEKE and FLOYD pull cell phones out of their robes and start dialing

THOM
No…stop…look, you guys want to come to my party, come on in. There’s plenty of beer….oh, you’re religious so, we have…

ZEKE
Any vodka?

THOM
Grey Goose.

FLOYD
Elitist

THOM
I’ll get whatever vodka you want. Come on….it’ll Be fun. We’ll discuss bible verses, your favorite plague, whatever makes you happy!

IRENE
NO!!! No compromises evil one – the Lord’s justice must be done here. Zeke, Floyd, burn the evil one’s dwelling to the ground …silence his tongue lest his ravings make us mad!

ZEKE and FLOYD move to set fire to the house. LESLIE (dressed as a sexy angel) and RACHEL (as a sexy devil) come to through the door behind THOM. ZEKE and FLOYD stop in their tracks.

LESLIE
Thom, what’s taking so long? We’re holding up the Twister match for you.

RACHEL
(looking at ZEKE and FLOYD)
What about you two? Wanna play? Twister is better when there’s a whole bunch of people, all tangled together and rubbing against one another. Hehehe!

ZEKE and FLOYD look at each other, then start to walk into THOM’s house. THOM stops them.

THOM
Guys
, no torches in the house.

FLOYD and ZEKE look at one another, then the torches, then at the girls. They dump their torches in the cauldron, and go into the house while the torches extinguish with a sizzle.

IRENE watches them go, downtrodden.

THOM
Irene, come on in. We’ll just forget this ever happened.

IRENE
NEVER! I must carry the burden of the Lord’s work myself!

IRENE starts sprinkling the house

IRENE
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU – FOUL DEMONS OUT!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU – FOUL DEMONS OUT!!!

PAT, an extremely butch looking woman in a flannel shirt comes out of the front door.

PAT
Hey Thom, it was really nice of you to invite me to your party, m but I feel awkward around all your law office buddies and college friends. I mean I’m just your mechanic and…

IRENE and PAT lock eyes.

PAT
Nice robes.

IRENE
Thanks. I was performing cleansing rites on this house.

PAT
Thom’s not evil….just shallow. But I know some really evil people over on Green Terrace Drive. Wanna go burn their house down?

IRENE
Love to!

IRENE and PAT talk as they exit

PAT
Is that the Sprinklemaster deluxe Holy Water Sprinkler from Cleanse Co?

IRENE
Yes, and I got the power sprayer attachment for cleansing entire office buildings too.

PAT
Nice

LESLIE shouts from offstage in the house.

LESLIE
Hey Thom! Zeke and Floyd are purifying the Twister mat so we can play naked.

THOM
Coming!!!

BLACK OUT

FSW: Best Friends Edition

Stop, hey what’s that sound? Everybody look what’s goin down….it’s the FRIDAY SKETCH WAR – BEST FRIENDS EDITION!!! And this week, I took “war” a little too literally.

Richard gave our theme last week – not sure who theme duties fall to this week since Michael’s status is up in the air, but Dave rejoined the battle week!

I’ll post updated links as combatants report to the arena.

UPDATED: Michael snuck in when I wasn’t looking (well before I posted actually), and gave us a tale of banks, dildos, and prarie dogs (welcome back to the blogospehere Michael – even if is just a Friday drive-by). He also provided next week’s theme: Mad Scientist. More updates as others report in.

__________________________________________________________________

EXT. VIETNAM JUNGLE 1968 – NIGHT
Explosions and sound of automatic gunfire can be heard from every side – we’re in the middle of a nighttime jungle firefight. People are screaming and voices can be heard barking orders in military jargon, planes streak past overhead.

SOUTHSIDE, an African-American US soldier in his early 20’s enters, supporting CHARGER, a burly square jawed white soldier also in his early 20’s who appears to be wounded. Both wear jungle camo fatigues. SOUTHSIDE sets CHARGER down on the ground and pulls off his backpack. CHARGER grunts and grabs his leg in pain as SOUTHSIDE starts pulling medical supplies out of his pack and treating CHARGER.

SOUTHSIDE
Hang on man, we’re gonna to get you outta here. You’re gonna make it.

CHARGER
It’s bad man….I know it’s bad. You don’t have to lie to me.

SOUTHSIDE
Stay with me Charger….do not give up!

CHARGER
I always knew I’d buy it in ‘Nam, Southside…that I’d end up dying for my country. But…I….

SOUTHSIDE
You got something to say, now’s the time.

CHARGER
There’s a hundred ways to buy it in the Nam, Southside. But I’m glad I get to go with you by my side. You’ve been the best buddy a guy could ever have…always there for me no matter what.

SOUTHSIDE
Hang on man…hang on….we gonna get you home, I promise you.

CHARGER
No man, I ain’t gettin’ out of this jungle alive, but you are…and you gotta live for me…gotta do the livin’ for both of us from now on, you understand?

SOUTHSIDE
Yeah, I hear you….what you want me to do for you brother?

CHARGER
Make America mean something again….make it a shining beacon of truth and justice in the world
SOUTHSIDE
I will, man, I promise I will

CHARGER
Fight for clean air…

SOUTHSIDE
Until my dying day

CHARGER
And for pure water…

SOUTHSIDE
With every ounce of my strength…

CHARGER
And fight to make sure no black man ever becomes president.

SOUTHSIDE
Excuse me?

CHARGER
You gotta make that happen for me since I can’t!

SOUTHSIDE
Did you just tell me….ME…a black man, your best friend in Vietnam….the dude tryin to save your life, to make sure a black man never becomes president???

CHARGER
Oh thank God, you understand.

SOUTHSIDE
What the fuck Man?You can NOT be that much of a redneck. We been best friends the entire time been in country, and the whole time we were in bootcamp before that. My redneck detector would have gone apeshit a long time ago if you were bullshittin this whole time..

CHARGER
Power and money is all us white guys have left.

SOUTHSIDE
Ain’t that enough?

CHARGER
No man…Black musicians are cooler than whites, black athletes are better than white atletes, black men have bigger…

SOUTHSIDE
That’s a myth.

CHARGER
Remember the barracks showers at Fort Bragg?

SOUTHSIDE
(smiling)
Okay, you got me. But look…we may be great athletes, but it’s rich white guys that own the teams.

CHARGER
Just when we’re old – it’s the only way white guys get laid after 55.

SOUTHSIDE
Good point.

CHARGER
Look man…white guys are losing all the cool stuff. Being president is the last great dream white kids can have without fear of competition.

SOUTHSIDE
So I should never let a black man be president.

CHARGER
Never

SOUTHSIDE
Not even if the whole country is going to shit and the black man in question was like super-smart and had all kinds of great ideas on how to fix things?

CHARGER
Every dumb white person in the US would move to Canada if a smart black man had to bail their asses out.

SOUTHSIDE
Might not be so bad.

CHARGER
You want a war with Canada?

SOUTHSIDE
Charger, man, I love you like a brother, but you ask too much

CHARGER
It’s my dying wish man…you gotta do this for me

SOUTHSIDE
What if our positions were reversed….what if I were dying and told you you’d HAVE to vote for a black president someday if the right guy came along?

CHARGER
I…..I don’t know….

SOUTHSIDE
What if I was dyin’ cause I took a bullet to save you?

CHARGER
Yeah..I’d do it for you…without thinking…you’re my best friend…I’d owe you my life

SOUTHSIDE
So IF you owed me your life, you’d vote for a black president someday?

CHARGER
If I owed you my life, I’d do anything to repay that debt.

SOUTHSIDE
Then you, my brother, are votin’ black.

CHARGER
What?

SOUTHSIDE
Man I stopped you bleedin’ five minutes ago. You’re gonna be fine.

SOUTHSIDE helps CHARGER stand up. CHARGER tests his leg, looks down and see that it isn’t bleeding.

CHARGER
Shit

SOUTHSIDE
C’mon man, let’s get you back – an evac helicopter just landed over there

SOUTHSIDE helps CHARGER limp offstage

SOUTHSIDE
What about a woman president?

CHARGER
No way…maybe a woman vice president if she was really hot.

SOUTHSIDE
Plays into that whole great white dream thing again doesn’t it?

CHARGER
(smiling)
Oh hell yeah.

BLACK OUT