-
Reconciliation
(LUCAS and JOSH, mid-thirties, enter the Brant Street Café. They sit side-by-side at the counter.) LUCASWait till you try the chicken noodle soup here. It’s the best I have ever tasted. JOSHI think I’m going to have a grilled cheese. LUCASI’ll tell you what, man: you go your way, I’ll go mine. (pause) JOSHYou seem…
-
Doctor Dennis Peterman
(The Annual Mad Scientist Convention. DOCTOR ATROCITY is standing at a podium. He is accompanied by a drooling alligator/human hybrid in chains, who glares at the assembled audience of mad scientists. DOCTOR ATROCITY reads off note cards.) DOCTOR ATROCITYTherefore, you collective of sniveling puppets! Heed well my coming vengeance! Courtesy of my army of leidyosuccubi,…
-
Best Friends
(A hospital room. GLEN and ADAM, mid-thirties, are in neighboring beds. They are wearing hospital gowns. GLEN is awake, reading a magazine. ADAM is asleep. After a few moments, ADAM wakes up and groans.) GLENWell good morning! ADAM (groggy)Glen. Hey. GLENThe operation was a success. ADAMOh, that’s great. How are you feeling? GLENGreat! How are…
-
Scenes I Predict Will Be in the Series Premiere of “Life on Mars”
(GRUFF 70s COP and DISPLACED TIME TRAVELER COP are chasing down a suspect on foot.) GRUFF 70s COP (panting)We won’t catch him unless we split up. You go down the alley, past the pet rock store. I’ll head toward the Naugahyde factory. We’ll meet at the payphone on Plaid Street and Paisley Way. DISPLACED TIME…
-
The Lemon-Scented Passing of Jack Kaufmann
(A funeral. The casket is upstage center, and black-clad MOURNERS are milling around. TIMMY, a boy of five, is downstage, shyly standing next to his mother, MARJORIE. EDWARD, holding a notepad, is kneeling and talking to TIMMY.) EDDIE (to TIMMY)A noun? It’s like a person, place or thing. MARJORIE (to TIMMY)What’s something you saw today,…
-
Whose Side Are You On?
(A recording studio. SCOTT stands alone, fretting. After a beat, THERESA enters.) SCOTTHe still out there? THERESAYeah. (pause) SCOTTIf he can’t go through with it, are you willing to do the voiceover? THERESANo! I have a horrible voice! SCOTTDon’t say that. THERESAIt’s true! It’s worse than yours. (pause) SCOTTYeah, I guess it is. THERESAI could…
-
Hot Rocks, Cold Bodies
(A morgue. Four bodies are covered with sheets. TONY PRATT, coroner, lifts one of the sheets and speaks into a handheld tape recorder.) TONY…and the renal and liver failure, along with the low sodium concentration in the plasma, makes for a textbook case of Legionnaires’ disease. In younger victims, this would have been very treatable,…
-
All I Want is a Relaxing Dinner with Limp Bizkit
(A restaurant. A MAÎTRE D’ answers the phone. It’s FRED DURST.) MAÎTRE D’Good afternoon, Kyle’s on Seventh. FREDYes, I’d like to make a reservation for tonight. MAÎTRE D’Certainly, sir. How many will be dining? FREDFour. MAÎTRE D’And your name please? FREDDurst. MAÎTRE D’“Durst”? FREDYes. MAÎTRE D’I’m sorry, is that “Durst” or “Burst”? FREDDurst. (The MAÎTRE…
-
Action Movie One-Liners Don’t Work In Real Life
(Wesley Snipes talks on an airplane phone to hijacker and terrorist mastermind Charles Rane.) In “Passenger 57” SNIPESYou ever play roulette? RANEOn occasion. SNIPESWell let me give you a word of advice: always bet on black. In Real Life SNIPESYou ever play roulette? (pause) RANEDo I what? SNIPESEver play roulette. RANEWhy? SNIPESJust answer the question.…
-
Keith Olbermann Addresses the Guy Who Sat Behind Him at the Movie Theatre
Finally, as promised, a special comment for the guy sitting behind me at the 9:15 showing of “Iron Man” last night. I don’t assume for a moment that you are familiar with Ralph Waldo Emerson, sir, but there may be something for you to learn in his aphorism, “Life is not so short but that…