Sketch War

Tag: funny ha-ha

  • Friday Sketch War: New Job Edition

    What time is it, kids? That’s right! It’s Sketch War time!

    You say you want to get in on the action? Great! Just write a sketch and post a link. It’s just that easy.

    I thought I’d be the first one out of the gate this morning, but Richard’s the early bird today. Bastard.

    Update: Dave’s chimed in with this horrifying look at the future.

    The New Job

    (A conference room. Martin sits at a table. He is clean-cut, wearing a nice suit and tie. James, also in suit and tie is manning a slide projector, which Martin has been watching. James turns it off.)

    JAMES: I think that’s everything.

    (Martin sits dumbfounded. James begins packing up the equipment.)

    JAMES: Sir? Are you all right?

    MARTIN: Is this some kind of joke?

    JAMES: I’m afraid not.

    MARTIN: Everything you just told me is true?

    JAMES: All of it.

    MARTIN: I don’t know what to say.

    JAMES: It takes a little while to let it all sink in.

    MARTIN: We have to tell people about all this.

    JAMES: I’m afraid we can’t.

    MARTIN: I don’t understand.

    JAMES: Can you image the sense of outrage? Of panic? People would never believe us again if they found out the truth behind any one of these stories, let alone all of them. No, you’ve been briefed because you have to maintain the stories as they have been reported.

    MARTIN: But it’s all been lies.

    JAMES: It’s for their own good.

    MARTIN: I believed those lies once too.

    JAMES: Yes, sir, at the time you were not allowed to know the real stories.

    MARTIN: I don’t think I can do this.

    JAMES: There’s no turning back now, sir.

    MARTIN: But I can’t go out there and face them, day after day, knowing all this and lying to them.

    JAMES: It has to be this way to make things run smoothly.

    MARTIN: The people will believe me. They trust me.

    JAMES: That’s the general idea.

    MARTIN: Who else knows about this?

    JAMES: There are only twelve of us. Thirteen including yourself now.

    MARTIN: The people deserve to know this information.

    JAMES: I understand your indignation. Everyone who views this information for the first time feels the same way. But I assure you, that this has all be kept secret out of absolute necessity and will remain that way.

    MARTIN: Some people are already spreading this information.

    JAMES: They’re lucky guessers. Theorists. And they’ve all been discredited as crackpots and tinfoil hat wearing lunatics.

    MARTIN: I just can’t wrap my mind around it. All the lives that have been lost.

    JAMES: Patriots, all.

    MARTIN: It all seems so senseless.

    JAMES: Not when you’re thinking about the greater good, sir. Which you have to do from here on out.

    MARTIN: Greater good?

    JAMES: Yes, sir. There is an agenda here that is bigger than all of us and we cannot let the thought of a few hundred thousand deaths stop us from the work that must be done.

    MARTIN: What happens if I decide to tell people about this?

    JAMES: You’ll be replaced.

    MARTIN: But you just can’t replace one of the most recognized people in the world without a few questions being raised.

    JAMES: We can and we have. More than likely you’d be lost at sea. Tragic plane crash returning home from some diplomatic gathering.

    MARTIN: But then the next person who watched this would know what happened to me.

    JAMES: Yes, sir. And hopefully they would more fully understand the importance of these secrets and choose to keep them as such.

    MARTIN: So, basically, to put it bluntly, if I don’t keep my mouth shut, you’ll shut it for me?

    JAMES: Yes, sir.

    (Kelly, a well dressed woman, pokes her head in the door.)

    KELLY: (To Martin) They’re ready for you, sir.

    MARTIN: I just need a moment.

    (Kelly and James exchange a look.)

    JAMES: (To Kelly) He’s fine.

    (Kelly exits. James has put away all the gear and produces a suit bag which he lays on the table.)

    JAMES: Show time.

    (Martin just stares at the bag.)

    JAMES: What’s it going to be?

    (Martin rises and crosses to the suit bag.)

    MARTIN: What choice do I have? I’m in.

    JAMES: Glad to hear it, sir. I’ll let you get changed. And let me be the first to welcome you to the family. “Ronald”.

    MARTIN: Thanks. (Beat) I’m loving it.

    JAMES: That’s the spirit.

    (They shake hands and James leaves. Martin opens the suit bag and pulls out a bright red wig and a white and yellow clown suit. He begins applying white makeup to his face. As James opens the door we hear a crowd of children cheering.)

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Sketch War

    Full Disclosure: I’ve been dealing with some family issues and haven’t had much of a chance to write this week. I wrote this sketch for a class I took a while back. Though I have made some changes to it. I hope to have something brand, spanking new for next week’s skirmish.

    Update: Richard’s arrived on the field and run the ol’ nickleback defense. Nicely done.

    (A shopping mall. Melody and Ernie enter. )

    MELODY: Just wait here, I want to see if they have any blue ones.

    (Melody exits and Simon Peter enters and approaches Ernie.)

    SIMON PETER: Buying a new cell phone?

    ERNIE: My wife is just looking at covers for hers.

    SIMON PETER: You can make the outside look as beautiful as you want, but if the inside isn’t beautiful what’s the point?

    ERNIE: Excuse me?

    SIMON PETER: Have you accepted the One True Plan as your only calling plan?

    ERNIE: We’re pretty happy with our current plan.

    SIMON PETER: Pretty happy? That doesn’t sound very convincing. Have you given much though to Eternal Minutes?

    ERNIE: Eternal minutes?

    SIMON PETER: Does your plan offer that?

    ERNIE: No plan can give you eternal minutes.

    SIMON PETER: The One True Plan can. Brother, just give me a few minutes of your time and I’ll show you the way to everlasting battery life.

    ERNIE: Well…

    SIMON PETER: Would you like to live in a world where you’re free from the burden of roaming fees?

    ERNIE: Who wouldn’t.

    SIMON PETER: Why should you be punished for making a call just because you’re outside of your calling area?

    ERNIE: Right.

    SIMON PETER: It feels good to make that call doesn’t it? We all want to do it, but we know that we’re going to pay for it later. The One True Plan says it’s all right to do it. It forgives us for our action even before we’ve done it.

    ERNIE: Wow.

    SIMON PETER: Wow, indeed, brother.

    ERNIE: So what’s the catch?

    SIMON PETER: There is no catch. The One True Plan isn’t trying to trick you. Look at the lilies of the field. Do they worry about whether their call is going to be cut off mid-sentence? No. And neither should you. All the Plan asks of you is that you pass on the good news to the world.

    ERNIE: I have to work for them?

    SIMON PETER: It isn’t work if you love it, Ernie. Besides, you’re going to be so happy with this plan you’ll want to share it with everyone. Tell them how good it feels to call knowing that the One True Plan is there for you. How once you were lost, but now are found.

    ERNIE: This all sounds a little too good to be true.

    SIMON PETER: Because it is too good to be true. We don’t deserve this plan, but it’s still here for us. Because the Plan knows we need it. This is the Alpha and Omega of calling plans. The first and last plan you’ll ever need.

    ERNIE: Well…

    (It becomes darker as if clouds are blocking out the sun.)

    SIMON PETER: You’re a doubter. I used to be just like you. You’ve made some money, found a woman to settle down with and are looking forward to being a father.

    ERNIE: How did you know we’re going to have a baby?

    (We hear thunder and see a flash of lightning.)

    SIMON PETER: But in a moment it could all change and you’ll be working at the Shoe Barn wondering why your wife left you and why your child looks like the fellow who delivers your Chinese food.

    ERNIE: Ty Ping?

    SIMON PETER: I know. I‘ve been there. But the One True Plan saved me. Ernie, it wants to save you too. Do you believe?

    ERNIE: Yes.

    SIMON PETER: Do you have faith in the One True Plan?

    ERNIE: Yes!

    SIMON PETER: Praise the Plan Brother Ernie!

    ERNIE: Praise the Plan!

    (Simon Peter pulls out a contract and a pen.)

    SIMON PETER: All you have to do is sign right here and One True Plan will fill your heart with love.

    ERNIE: Glory be!

    (Melody returns. Ernie takes the pen.)

    ERNIE :Oh honey, I’m so glad you’re here. (He hugs her) My eyes have been opened to the coming of the Plan.

    MELODY: The what?

    SIMON PETER: Sign Brother Ernie! Sign!

    ERNIE: Sign!

    (Melody takes the contract.)

    MELODY: Sign what?

    (She reads. Then hands the contract back to Simon Peter)

    MELODY: We’re happy with our current plan.

    ERNIE: But Honey, this is the Alpha and Omega of calling plans.

    MELODY: They want us to sign a lifetime contract, Ernie. I can’t leave you alone for five minutes can I? Maybe we’re not ready for kids.

    (She starts to walk away. Ernie and Simon Peter share a meaningful look.)

    SIMON PETER: Brother Ernie.

    ERNIE: Simon Peter.

    MELODY: Let’s go!

    (Ernie hurried off after her.)

    SIMON PETER: Brother Ernie! Why have you forsaken me?!

    (A mother pushes her daughter up to the bench in a wheelchair.)

    MOTHER: You wait here and I’ll be right back.

    (The Mother exits and Simon Peter approaches the little girl and puts his hands on her head.)

    SIMON PETER: Arise and walk my child, you are possessed no more!

    (The little girl pushes herself out of her chair and falls flat on her face. Simon Peter looks around to make sure no one saw him and disappears into the crowd.)

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Sketch War

    If you’d like to get in on the fun, simply write a sketch and post a link to it. If you’d like to check out some of the battles that have already transpired you can go here. If you’d like to see a funny video about a guy flipping off a phone you can go here.

    Dave, like last week, is the first one to strike. Hilarious.

    Update: Richard’s joined the fray.

    Here is my answer to the question “How can we spur the market and turn this recession around?”

    (Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security, is giving a press conference.)

    MICHAEL: We have received word of some rumors of possible attempts at terrorism somewhere in or around the United States. So we are raising the Terror Threat Level to Orange.

    (Members of the press call out to him. He points at one.)

    GAIL: Gail Jones, CNN. Should the American people be afraid for their lives?

    MICHAEL: We live in a nation that is under constant threat of violence from people who truly hate our guts, but the American people shouldn’t be worried.

    (More shouting, Michael points to someone else.)

    MATT: Matt Rod, NBC News, America’s News leader. Secretary Chertoff, if the people shouldn’t worry, then is there any real threat?

    MICHAEL: Oh my God, yes. These are vicious, freedom hating people who want to see all of us die a horrible, painful death. You know, they’ve infiltrated our country and are living among us, waiting for the opportunity to kill us all in our sleep. I just thank God I’ve got the Secret Service protecting me.

    (More shouting, Michael points to someone else.)

    LEE: Lee Scott, CEO of Wal-Mart. Should people stockpile food and clothing during this heightened state of panic in America?

    MICHAEL: Yes. We are recommending that all Americans stock up on bread, milk and the latest in fashion and electronic goods. We strongly urge them to purchase these items at a discount chain store with everyday low prices.

    (The scene shifts to a resort beach. Two men are lounging in the sun.)

    ZANJI: Ahmed, what are we doing at this resort? I thought as a terrorist I would be getting to create more terror than this.

    AHMED: Relax Zanji. Chill out. There really is not much for us to be doing anymore.

    ZANJI: But how can we call ourselves terrorists if we do not terrorize anyone?

    AHMED: The world has changed, my friend, and we have to change with it. The infidels are so busy trying to scare their own people that we can take it easy for a while.

    ZANJI: And you like it this way?

    AHMED: Are you kidding me? I love it! Come on, let us go inside. We will order a couple of coconut mimosas, play some blackjack and pay an expensive call girl to run around in a burka.

    (Brickabrac enters, very excited)

    BRICKABRAC: Ahmed! Zanji!

    AHMED: What is it Brickabrac?

    ZANJI: Are we to blow up this infidel sin palace?

    BRICKABRAC: No, I have a massage scheduled at 3 o’clock.

    ZANJI: Then what?

    BRICKABRAC: I just called our accountant and the stock portfolio has tripled!

    AHMED: Praise Allah!

    BRICKABRAC: You were right, Ahmed, Exxon/Mobile is having a fantastic year.

    AHMED: (Sarcastic) Gee, I wonder why?

    (They all begin laughing. The scene shifts back to the press conference.)

    BETTY: Secretary Chertoff, what are we doing to protect our oil reserves?

    MICHAEL: Instead of wasting man power on oil fields that are located in a hot, hostile environment, we are preparing a preemptive invasion of The Soviet Union to take theirs.

    BETTY: Why would we do that?

    MICHAEL: To protect the American way of life and bring democracy and Jesus to all heathen people. Besides, it’s something the boys at the Pentagon have been wanting to do for quite a while.

    BETTY: But it’s not even called The Soviet Union anymore.

    MICHAEL: Shh. Don’t let the boys in the Pentagon hear you say that.

    GINNY: Secretary Chertoff, were there any specific targets named in the unspecified threats?

    MICHAEL: We know that these hate-mongering people hate us, our freedom and our lifestyle. That is why we think that their next attack will strike the very heart of all we hold dear.

    BRAD: Our children?

    GAIL: Hollywood?

    MICHAEL: McDonald’s.

    (Everyone gasps.)

    BRAD: Should people stop going there?

    MICHAEL: No. That would be playing right into their hand. If our children can’t have saturated fat and cheap plastic toys served to them by an underpaid teenager in a paper hat then the terrorists have truly won. I implore all Americans to eat at McDonald’s morning, noon and night as a sign of defiance to these men of terror.

    (The scene shifts back to Ahmed, Zanji and Brickabrac who are looking at a newspaper.)

    BRICKABRAC: (Pointing at something in the paper) There! There it is!

    AHMED: McDonald’s is up 35%!

    ZANJI: Praise Allah!

    (The scene shifts back to the press conference.)

    GAIL: Have there been any threats to disrupt the elections in November?

    MICHAEL: All elections have been postponed indefinitely. His Eminence, Premier Bush, feels that since he was President when all this began, he should remain in power until it is over.

    GAIL: And when will all this be over?

    MICHAEL: Until evil is obliderated from the face of the Earth or until the Bush bloodline ends. Which ever comes first.

    (The scene shifts back to Ahmed, Zanji and Brickabrac. Brickabrac and Ahmed are on the phone talking to different people.)

    BRICKABRAC: (On phone. Very menacing.) Yes, I would like to report a terrorist threat…Not just to this one Coca-Cola plant but to all Coca-Cola plants worldwide.

    (He hangs up the phone.)

    AHMED: (On phone.) That’s right, Jerry, I want you to buy as much Coca-Cola stock as you can. I have a good feeling about it.

    (He hangs up)

    ZANJI: (Sipping a cocktail) Ahmed, I am sorry that I doubted you.

    AHMED: Zanji, my friend, if there is one thing I have learned from studying our enemys in Washington, it is that they hate their people way more than we do. Now, who wants to go to Disneyland?

    (The men all cheer and high five each other.)

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Sketch War

    I wrote a sketch and posted it. Richard did the same and challenged me to a Sketch War. This will, hopefully, be an ongoing exercise, which you are free to join us in. Simply write a sketch and post it on your blog every Friday. Be sure to let me or Richard know about it and we’ll post links to it. I haven’t seen one from Richard yet, but he’s in a different time zone, so I’m just assuming he’s still in bed. But Dave, the early bird, has already lobbed the first sketch grenade of the day and it’s pretty damn funny.

    Update: Richard has launched an assault. (Not to be confused with an insult.)

    But enough chit-chat! Once more unto the breech dear friends!

    “A Dream Upon Waking”

    (Mary #1 stands in the middle of the stage wearing a surgical gown. Dr. Peter enters with a chart.)

    MARY #1: Give it to me straight, doc. I’m dying aren’t I?

    PETER: No no no. But I am going to need you to tell me why your father loved your sister more than you.

    MARY: Well, I suppose, I wasn’t enough of a tomboy for him.

    PETER: Oh Mary, this isn’t good. It isn’t good at all.

    (Jerry races in and shakes Mary.)

    JERRY: Mary, wake up! You’re dreaming.

    (Jerry races off.)

    PETER: Now, Mary I’m just going to take off my pants and we’ll continue the examination.

    (Peter begins unbuckling his pants. The lights shift to another part of the stage and Mary #2 is sitting at table having coffee with Denise.)

    MARY #2: And then I woke up.

    DENISE: A doctor, with no pants, talking about your father? Sounds like a perverted sex dream to me.

    MARY #2: Everything is sex to you.

    DENISE: That’s because I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body.

    MARY #2: You’re a lesbian?

    DENISE: No. I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body.

    (Jerry races in and shakes Mary #2)

    JERRY: Mary, wake up! Wake up!

    (Jerry runs off. Denise removes her wig and begins to unbuckle her pants.)

    DENISE: Now you tell me if you’ve ever seen a unit this big in the girl’s locker room before.

    (The lights shift to another part of the stage and Mary #3 is talking to Chip in the office break room.)

    MARY #3: And it was me, but it wasn’t me, you know?

    CHIP: I hate dreams like that.

    (Jerry races in.)

    JERRY: Seriously Mary, Wake Up!

    (Jerry races off. Dr. Peter enters without his pants.)

    PETER: Ah, there you are. If you would kindly bend over that table we can continue with the examination.

    (The lights shift to another part of the stage. Mary #1, Mary #2 and Mary #3 are standing next to each other.)

    MARY #3: This can’t be good.

    MARY #2: I wouldn’t think so.

    MARY #1: You guys want to make out?

    (The three Marys look at one another. They shrug their shoulders.)

    MARY #2/MARY #3: Sure.

    (The lights go out on stage and single spot comes up on Jerry sitting in the audience. He awakens with a start and looks around at everyone looking at him.)

    JERRY: Damn it. You always wake up before the best part.

    (Dr. Peter, still pantless, appears behind Jerry.)

    PETER: All righty then. If you’ll just bend over we can continue the examination.

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Funnys: Sketch Edition

    I’ve been trying to exhibit a little more discipline with my writing. So, to keep the muscles churning and to take a break between more serious projects, I try to write a sketch or two. Here’s an example.

    Bad Credit Baby

    (Tom and Debbie enter their house. Immediately Dan and Dawn and Ben and Betty jump up from behind furniture.)

    ALL
    Surprise!

    TOM
    What the hell?

    DEBBIE
    Dawn, Betty, what are you guys doing here?

    DAWN
    We wanted to be here when you brought the baby home.

    BETTY
    We wanted to be the first to meet the little guy.

    DAN
    So where is he?

    BEN
    Don’t tell me you guys forgot him in the car already?

    DEBBIE
    Why don’t you tell them, Tom.

    DAWN
    Oh no, is something wrong with him?

    TOM
    No, he’s fine. The hospital wouldn’t let us bring him home is all.

    DEBBIE
    Tell them why dear.

    TOM
    Do we have to do this now?

    DEBBIE
    They’re going to find out sooner or later.

    BETTY
    Find out what?

    BEN
    He’s a retard isn’t he?

    DEBBIE
    He’s not retarded. He’s perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes, two nostrils, two ears, two eyes.

    DAN
    So where is he?

    TOM
    Our credit check came back with some glitches.

    DEBBIE
    “Our” credit check? It was your goddamn student loans that did this. I told you just to pay them.

    DAWN
    What are you going to do?

    TOM
    They want $250,000 in cash before they’ll release him. What can we do?

    (Chester Appleway stands up from behind the couch and speaks directly to the audience. He is dressed in a polyester suit with a bad hair piece.)

    CHESTER
    How many times has this happened to you? Has your bad credit history caused you to forfeit your children so they could be sold by the hospital to pay for your bill? Well worry no longer. I’m Chester Appleway and I’m here to help.

    TOM
    Who’s this?

    DEBBIE
    Did you guys invite him?

    DAN
    I’ve never seen him before.

    CHESTER
    For three easy payments of $59.95 I can restore your credit history.

    DEBBIE
    You guys let a salesman into our house?

    DAN
    He must have slipped in when we were bringing in the cake.

    DEBBIE
    Where’s the repellant?

    TOM
    There’s some under the sink

    (Tom exits into the kitchen.)

    CHESTER
    Act now and I’ll send you, free of charge, this brand new waffle iron.

    (Tom re-enters.)

    TOM
    Damn it, we’re out!

    DEBBIE
    Well we have to get rid of him. What can we do?

    (Bradley Wiffler stands up from behind the chair. He wears coveralls over a white shirt and tie. He wears a button that reads “Ask me how to kill things.”)

    BRADLEY
    How many times has this happened to you? You have a pesky salesman in your home, but you’re fresh out of repellant. Well, my friends, your worries are over. My name is Bradley Wiffler and I’m here to help.

    DEBBIE
    Jesus, another one!

    DAWN
    You’ve got an infestation.

    TOM
    Are you sure none of you guys let them in?

    (Silence. They all look at Ben.)

    TOM
    Ben. Are you sure none of you guys let them in? Ben? Hello, Earth to Ben.

    BEN
    Sorry guys I forgot my line.

    (They all moan and shake their heads. Dirk Wrightwood, the director enters with a clipboad and wearing a headset.)

    DIRK
    Cut!

    BEN
    I’m sorry everyone. I blanked.

    DEBBIE
    Well, if you weren’t snorting so much fucking coke, maybe you could remember your fucking lines.

    BEN
    Blow me, Debbie! Oh wait, that’s how you got this job to start with.

    DEBBIE
    Fuck you!

    BEN
    Fuck yourself.

    DIRK
    People, people, people, people, people, settle down. Let’s get everyone back to their starting positions. We’re gonna take it from Tom and Debbie’s entrance. Debbie, honey, let’s see some emotions, huh? You’ve just come back from the hospital without your baby. For fuck’s sake, you’ve been carrying this thing around for nine months and now they won’t let you keep it? Show me some grief, babe.

    DEBBIE
    Dirk, I’m trying, but I have nothing to draw from. What can I do?

    (Miranda Queezland stands up from behind the couch. She wears black pants, a black turtleneck and a black beret. She has a red scarf tossed carelessly around her neck.)

    MIRANDA
    How many times has this happened to you? You’re in the middle of an emotional scene but you’re completely drained. You have nothing to draw from. Well fret no more because Miranda Queezland is here to help.

    DIRK
    And can someone get an exterminator in here or something? Seriously! These things are everywhere.

    BLACKOUT