Sketch War

Tag: sketch

  • FSW: Bailout

    I’ve been threatening to do it for a while, and whaddya know, this week I finally did it – a sketch with a musical number. I chose the theme of Bailout last week – can’t imagine why! And I’m posting late (geez lyrics take a while to write). But, since we seem to have a lot in common with the 30’s, I couldn’t help but add in my little homage to the golden age of musicals.

    Nothing yet from Michael or Richard – Michael may be taking a break (and he will be sorely missed), but I’ll update as combatants report to the field. Honors for theme-picking go to Richard next week…let’s see, we’ve had Apocalpse and Bailout….I bet he picks something like puppies 🙂

    UPDATED: After being away from the wonder-box Friday night and Saturday, I returned this morning to a great sketch from Richard, and a surprise entry from Michael (woooohoooo!!!). Richard gave us a taste of old Broadway too (I guess it isn’t a coincidence that the Golden Age of Broadway started during the great depression – finanacial chaos apparently inspires showtunes 🙂 and Michael, who’s taking a break from all-things internet, guest stars on Richard’s blog with insurance to get you through the tough times.

    Richard also set the theme for next week’s sketch war: Best Friends!
    _________________________________________________________________

    EXT. EMPRIRE STATE BUILDING OBSERVATION DECK – DAY
    A few people are milling about, but there’s not a lot of traffic. MR. THOMPKINS, a tour guide \ guard is there resplendent in his perfectly pressed navy blue uniform, brass rimmed spectacles, and immaculately groomed grey mustache over a beaming smile. The elevator dings and the doors open. CHARLIE and DAISY step out into the sun. Both are in their late 20’s, clean cut, innocent, bright eyed, almost stereotypically Midwestern, and very obviously tourists. Both have an air of bittersweet sadness about them. They step out into the sunshine on the deck.

    DAISY
    Oh Charlie, it really is magnificent. Just like everyone says.

    CHARLIE
    Staggering view.

    DAISY
    C’mon honey bun. Let’s just pretend everything is okay for a little bit. After all, this may be the last vacation we take for a very very long time.

    CHARLIE hugs DAISY

    CHARLIE
    You’re right, my little ray of sunshine. Say, let’s go peek over the edge and see how far we can see.

    They walk over to the edge of the observation deck, looking through the large fence around it.

    CHARLIE (CONT)
    Wow…the city looks so peaceful from up here, as if it were filled with nothing but nice considerate people who would never think of trashing an entire free market economy just for a couple of high-priced hookers and a custom Bentley.

    DAISY
    Now lamb chop….

    CHARLIE
    I’m sorry Daisy. Just slipped out. I’ll try and look on the bright side of things. Say…do you think that’s New Jersey over there?

    DAISY
    I think it is Charlie. Nice, respectable, kindly New Jersey, filled with kindly, respectable people, like loan sharks and mob bosses, the kind of people who only break the knees of people who have wronged them, and then only one at a time.

    DAISY starts sobbing, and CHARLIE wraps her up in his arms

    CHARLIE
    There there, my darling…

    MR. THOMPKINS strolls over to CHARLIE and DAISY, concerned

    MR. THOMPKINS
    ‘Scuse me folks, but I couldn’t help but notice you aren’t exactly thrilled by our view here.

    CHARLIE
    Sorry Mister…..

    MR. THOMPKINS
    Thompkins, William Thompkins, but call me Billy – all my friends do.

    CHARLIE
    Sorry Billy. My wife Daisy and I are just in a bit of a rough patch, with the economy being so rocky and all. We have a lot of bills…

    DAISY
    And some big credit card debts…

    CHARLIE
    And a big house back in Iowa that’s lost almost half it’s value…

    DAISY
    Not to mention a whole bunch of stocks that aren’t worth dick anymore.

    CHARLIE
    Fact is, Billy, we only came on this trip to New York because we already paid for it a while back, when times were good, and with this economy, we won’t be going anywhere more exciting than Dubuque for a long time.

    DAISY
    Dubuque!!!

    DAISY starts crying loudly again

    MR. THOMPKINS
    Awwww, you poor kids. No wonder you look so down in the mouth. Come on over here and have a seat. Take a load off

    He leads them to a bench by the wall around the deck. He pulls a box of animal crackers out of his pocket.

    MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
    Animal Cracker? I keep a box in my coat ‘cause they always make life feel a little simpler…like those care free days when I was a boy.

    DAISY and CHARLIE both reach in a grab a cookie out of the box. They crunch them and start to smile a little

    MR. THOMPKINS
    There…now that’s better, isn’t it?

    DAISY and CHARLIE smile weakly and nod yes

    MR. THOMPKINS
    You know, me and Mrs. Thompkins went through some rough times when were about your age. Not as rough as these, but not too far off. Heck, we thought we were all set for a nice cozy retirement. Boy were we wrong. That’s why Mrs. Thompkins is on the street 4 days a week selling black tar heroin. Say, neither of you kids is a hopelessly addicted smack-head, are you? Mrs. Thompkins is looking for new business.

    DAISY
    Sorry Billy.

    MR. THOMPKINS
    Oh well, never hurts to ask. Me…well, I knew there was just one place for me, and that was right here, working security atop this grand old lady.

    DAISY
    Why is that Mr. Thomp…

    MR. THOMPKINS shoots her a playful disapproving look

    DAISY (CONT)
    I mean “Billy”

    MR. THOMPKINS smiles

    MR. THOMPKINS
    Because this is a magical place Daisy, where people come to see more than just the view – it’s a place where people see their past, their future, and see things in perspective. This is a a place where you can do things you can’t do anywhere else in the world. Let me put it this way…

    The music starts and soon MR THOMPKINS is singing a nice 1930’s musical number

    MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
    (singing)
    When a panoramic view
    Just serves to make you blue
    And what used to make you happy makes you weep
    There’s a way that I have found
    To make a smile out of that frown
    Just make douchebag broker take a flying leap

    MR THOMPKINS starts talking again, the music plays on in the background

    MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
    Here, let me show you…

    MR. THOMPKINS goes over to the fence, pushes a section aside so it no longer shrouds the ledge and looks down.

    MR. THOMPKINS(CONT)
    Boy, I wish I knew where to invest a few million right now – if only some savvy wall street broker was around to help an old ignorant but wealthy investor with his cash.

    A man, BROKER 1, in an expensive suit, dripping jewelry and carrying an expensive briefcase, come running over.

    BROKER 1
    Hey there….Mike Scabbers, financial genius…sorry about the tan bro, just got back from a big-wig conference in Aruba, I’d love to get you invested in ….

    MR. THOMPKINS pushes a button on the wall, and the railing slides over to reveal a gap. MR. THOMPKINS nods and smiles as he leads BROKER 1 over the to gap, then pushes him through and over the edge. MR. THOMPKINS sighs with a smile, and comes back smiling, and singing again.

    MR. THOMPKINS
    (singing)
    Throw a douchebag off a building
    And see if he can fly
    That greedy jerk put you out of work
    To grab a bigger piece of pie

    Just throw a douchebag off a building
    Give a smug exec the boot
    Watch the smarmy rat make a big ol’ splat
    Without his golden parachute

    The music continues playing

    MR. THOMPKINS
    See kids, a lot of these deal making, super rich, money-flauntin out-of-touch, above the law, guilt-free Wall Street types – the type we New Yorkers like to call “douche bags” – like to come up here and take in the view – kind of makes them feel like the king of world I guess. So there’s always several around to do with as you please. Watch this…

    (looking over the edge of the building)

    Oh look – I wonder whose chauffeur just turned off the engine in that Hummer Limo to save gas?

    BROKER 2 comes running over to the edge to look.

    BROKER 2
    Dammit – I told Lawson to keep circling until I’m ready…..

    BROKER 2 looks over, and MR. THOMPKINS pushes him over the edge

    MR. THOMPKINS
    Ahhhhhhh…there is nothing quite like the feeling of launching a financial douchebag into thin air!

    CHARLIE
    But Billy, isn’t that murder?

    MR. THOMPKINS
    In the old days, when a financial exec caused a mess like this, they had the courtesy to jump off a building under their own steam. We’re just helping them out this time around. Want to try it?

    DAISY
    Gee Billy, I don’t know where to start.

    MR. THOMPKINS
    Well Daisy, you just need to shout out something that would make the average money-grubbing Wall Street douchebag with no conscience come a-runnin’.

    DAISY
    Hey! I think I’ve got just the thing Billy. Let me give it a whirl.

    MR. THOMPKINS ushers DAISY over to the magic section of the wall.

    DAISY
    (shouting)
    Boy, I sure wish I could find a man compensating for a tiny penis with a lot of cash.

    BROKERS 3 and 4 flock over quickly. They look almost identical to BROKERS 1 and 2. They start hitting on DAISY with smarmy lines and telling her what they’ll buy for her. CHARLIE sneaks up behind them pushes them both over the edge. CHARLIE and DAISY look over the edge as they fall.

    CHARLIE
    Hey….that crowd down on the street is actually cheering!

    MR. THOMPKINS
    Of course they are – they’re people just like you!

    DAISY
    (waving at the crowd below)
    You’re welcome, non-wealthy New Yorkers!!!

    A cheer is heard from the street

    CHARLIE
    (singing)
    Throw a douchebag off a building
    For trashing the Dow Jones

    DAISY
    (singing)
    He made stupid bets on risky debts

    DAISY ANDCHARLIE
    (singing)
    And some fucked up subprime loans

    MR. THOMPKINS
    (singing)
    Just throw a douchebag off a building
    Introduce him to gravity

    DAISY
    (singing)
    The greedy lout

    CHARLIE
    (singing)
    Got a big bailout

    CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
    (singing)
    For his financial depravity

    CHARLIE
    Hey! Let me try too!

    CHARLIE goes over to the magic wall section

    CHARLIE
    (shouting)
    Did you hear the bailout includes fraud-investigations for Wall Street executives AND closes all existing tax-loopholes for the ultra-wealthy???

    A whole stream of BROKERS, looking just like the others, screams and runs for the open hole in the fence and jumps out. This goes on for a while – a long stream of well dressed lemmings. A big cheer is heard from the crowd below. MR. THOMPKINS, DAISY and CHARLIE all look at each other and laugh.

    MR. THOMPKINS
    (singing)
    They’ve created a recession
    But don’t let it get you down
    Just make sure the great depression
    Is made by a douchebag hitting the ground

    DAISY
    (singing)
    Throw a douchebag off a building
    For messing up Wall Street

    CHARLIE
    (singing)
    High flying execs
    Caused these big train wrecks
    So they deserve to eat concrete

    (Key change)

    CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
    (singing)
    Just throw a douchebag off a building
    And see if he can fly

    CHARLIE
    (speak-singing)
    Make an asshole plummet at the G7 summit

    DAISY
    (speak-singing)
    He’ll look so super rich in his self-made ditch

    MR. THOMPKINS
    (speak-singing)
    He won’t need net worth when he hits the turf

    CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
    (singing)
    Just throw a douchebag off a building
    And wave those blues bye-bye!!!

    They end with a big finish and the music stops

    CHARLIE
    Wow honey-bunch! I haven’t seen you smile that much in a year!

    DAISY
    I haven’t felt this good in a year, Charlie! And I know one midwestern boy who’s finally going to get lucky when we get back to the hotel!

    CHARLIE
    Well what are we waiting for! Let’s head back right now!

    DAISY
    How can we ever thank you, Billy? We may not be better off financially…

    CHARLIE
    But we sure do feel better screwing over the people who screwed us over!!

    MR. THOMPKINS
    That’s the spirit kids! Just remember, when the going gets tough, the tough find the douchebags responsible and get even with them.

    DAISY AND CHARLIE
    Bye Billy!!!

    MR. THOMPKINS
    Bye bye kids!

    DAISY and CHARLIE wave and exit into the elevator. GUARD 2 walks over to MR. THOMPKINS as he waves back

    GUARD 2
    Do they know that Wall Street douchebags can’t really be killed?

    MR. THOMPKINS
    Why spoil their mood.

    BLACK OUT

  • FSW: Job Hunting

    Welcome back to another Friday Sketch War! WOOHOOO!!

    This week, Richard gave us the topic of “Job Hunting”. And even though I know everyone and their brother \ sister \ cross-dressing uncle has written a Sarah Palin sketch, I just couldn’t resist.

    I’ll update links to the other battlers as they come in….

    UPDATED: Richard is doing some heavy recruiting and Michael shows us that there are great jobs out there, even for those wishing they only had a brain. And Michael gave us next weeks theme: Apocalypse. I’m guessing he’s been into the financial reports again 🙂
    ____________________________________________________________________

    INT. – TALK SHOW LIVING ROOM SET – DAY
    Soft jazzy flute music plays and pink and green graphic comes up: “Job Hunting with Sarah Palin”. The graphic fades out to reveal SARAH sitting in a lovely living-room talk-show set, sipping a big mug of coffee.

    SARAH
    Welcome back to “Job Hunting ” everyone. I’m your host of course, Sarah Palin. Today we’re talking about how to get a job in a tough economy. I’m doing this because…

    JOHN (O.S.)
    “We” Sarah

    SARAH
    Thank you John….WE’RE doing this…

    JOHN (O.S.)
    Thank you Sarah

    SARAH
    …because we want every American to feel confident they can get a decent job even in tough times….just in case, you know, things don’t get better any time soon. And if you have those skills, you won’t blame your government for being unemployed, so John and me…

    JOHN (O.S.)
    Thank you

    SARAH
    …can work on important things like banning gay marriage, invading Iran, and blaming things on the Democrats. Now many of you are probably thinking “Sarah, what do you know getting a jobs in a tough market?” Folks, let me tell you something. In Alaska there are 15,472 men for every 3 women, and yet I got elected to two different public offices with only “Third Place Beauty Pageant contestant” and “Sports Reporter” to show for experience. Trust me, I know tough job markets.

    Speaking of experience, did you know that’s the number one thing that keeps people from getting the job they really want – lack of experience? Most people will never apply for a job for which they have absolutely no experience. But I think God has qualified each and every one of us to be whatever we can apply for, and delusions of grandeur are just God’s way of saying “go get ‘em!”

    So I’ve developed…

    JOHN (O.S.)
    WE

    SARAH
    WE’VE developed (thank you John) some unique but tested strategies to land that dream job whether you’re qualified or not.

    First of all, let’s talk interview outfit. Pick something that’s a little conservative, then sexy it up a bit – shorten the skirt a little, leave an extra button on the blouse undone, etc. Think “sexy librarian”. The sexy gets them hot, but the conservative says “no touching”. Just let them try to think about your experience when you’re sitting down and that skirt is riding up. And if you’ve ever been in a beauty pageant, mention that in the interview…a lot. And don’t forget those glasses – a good pair of glasses both enhances and tones down the sexy – they’re just a little accessory miracle.

    Obviously, that last bit of advice is only for the job-hunting women out there. It goes without saying that any man thinking about putting on a skirt is a homosexual, and deserves to burn in hell.

    Now, when you show up to the interview, see if you can bring along an elderly person, preferably a war veteran, or even better an ex-prisoner of war with some sort of lingering torture injury. When you’re with someone like that, interviewers think “wow, this person must be reliable and trustworthy if a feeble old geezer like that is hanging out with them.” At the very least, interviewers will be thinking “how nice that they’re hanging out with the elderly”. So really, you really can’t lose with a senior citizen in tow.

    So now let’s move on to the interview. You’re sitting there, and the interviewer is looking over your resume’.

    Well, there’s your first mistake – NEVER let anyone see your resume’. If they see it, they have hard evidence that you’re unqualified. Instead just say things like “I think my resume’ speaks for itself”, and let them imagine just how great your resume’ must be.

    Now, how do you handle that question we all hate:

    “So, what qualifies you for this position?”

    Wow….that’s A scary one, huh? But here’s a way to answer that question perfectly every time. Remember the word “ONCE” – O…N…C…E. That stands for Old job, new job, cosmetic enhancement. For example, let’s say you’ve been a garbage man and your applying to be the CEO of Sony. When the interviewer says “So what makes you think you could be the CEO of a major multinational company, just say “You know the difference between a garbage man and a Sony CEO? A good hair cut”. Trust me – it doesn’t have to make sense, just say it like it’s completely self evident, then let them figure it out. They’ll just smile and go along with you rather than admit they don’t get what it has to do with anything!

    Ladies, try to use “lipstick” as your that cosmetic enhancement – that reminds them of that conservative sexy look you’ve been cultivating.

    You can also claim “experience by proximity”. They say you’ve never been a CEO of a major corporation. You reply “well I live within 100 miles of dozens of CEO’s – so I’m probably over-qualified”.

    If they keep pushing it, just turn the tables on them . They’ve never been a CEO or they wouldn’t be interviewing you, so they don’t have enough experience to be asking YOU about YOU CEO experience, do they? See how nicely that works?

    Now, as a last resort, if they keep pushing you about experience, just accuse them of being a liberal intellectual elitist who’s completely out of touch with the American public. They may come back and argue with you about this, but you will have successfully taken all focus off your lack of experience. Mission accomplished!

    Well, it looks like we’re out of time for today.

    Thanks for tuning in everyone, and join me…

    JOHN (O.S.)
    US!

    SARAH
    …join US (thank you John) tomorrow when we tell you how to take out the competition by stealing their strategy and taking everything they say about you as a sexist assault. Bye bye now!

  • FSW: Green Witches

    Well….here’s my second salvo in the fabulous Friday Sketch Wars. This time, I decided to get medieval on someone’s ass! (might have something to do with the fact I’m in an Improvised Shakespeare show Friday night, and an improviosed Tarantino show Saturday night).
    Anyway….our theme this week was “Gatherings” – I’ll update links as soon as the other combatants report in!
    ____________________________________________________________________________________

    EXT. – A CLEARING IN A CREEPY FOREST – NIGHT
    Lightning and thunder above, a big cauldron sits in the clearing, wolves howl, unseen critters scamper past in the dark, the sound of bat-wings flapping overhead, and only a thin shaft of moonlight reveals anything more than the black silhouettes of twisted ancient trees.

    HILDA, and old scraggly woman with a crooked nose, long straggly gray hair, slightly green skin, huge hair warts om her face, gnarled hands, wearing a long tattered ratty black dress and pointy black hat, enters from out of the woods with the use of a gnarled wooden stick as a cane. She is carrying a burlap sack filled with stuff.

    HILDA
    The creatures of darkness stir and cry out for mischief! The skies blacken and split…the time for evil has come!

    HILDA waves her hands at the cauldron and a fire bursts out under it. Steam also starts rising from whatever is in the cauldron

    HILDA
    Come forth my sisters and join me now! Bring forth your gifts and place them in our cauldron – let now our machinations begin!

    HELGA who looks like a variation on HILDA comes out of the woods, carrying a similar sack.

    HELGA
    Run cold blood, and good cheer flee
    When joined in mischief, we sisters three!

    HARPA now enters from the woods, the third sister, with another sack

    HARPA
    By raven’s caw, and toadlet’s croak,
    Mother night our dark deeds cloak

    HILDA
    To our labors bend your mind,
    A poor souls fate we must unwind

    All three gather around the cauldron and pull items from their sacks

    HELGA
    The fingers of a baby abandoned to die

    HELGA dumps them in the cauldron, and a puff of steam belches out of the cauldron

    HILDA
    Festering meat from a possum’s thigh

    HILDA dumps it in – another belch

    HARPA
    Nightshade planted on Hallow’s eve

    Dump…belch

    HELGA
    The tears of a widow, shed as she grieved

    Dump…belch

    HILDA
    Fang of an adder that struck a priest

    Dump…belch

    HARPA
    Organically farmed wormwood brought from the east.

    HILDA and HELGA look at each other upon hearing this.

    HARPA starts to dump it in….HILDA stops her hand with her cane-stick

    HILDA
    Wait….what didst thou say?

    HARPA
    Ummmm…..organically farmed wormwood brought from the east.

    HILDA
    Why not regular old wormwood?

    HELGA
    From the east?

    HARPA
    This tis much better….for twas grown without pesticides or chemicals. So tis better for the environment, and healthier to eat.

    HILDA
    Wormwood is a poison…eating it doth kill a man in minutes.

    HARPA
    All the more reason to go organic….why wouldst one want more toxins in something already so lethal?

    HILDA
    Enough of this. I didst agree when you wanted to use only free-range newt in our potions….

    HELGA
    And when thou didst say the cauldron should only be lit after 7pm on hot days to reduce airborne pollutants…

    HILDA
    AND when thou didst say we needed to stop making the gingerbread houses we use to entrap children out of refined sugar, and use the raw brown stuff instead…

    HELGA
    Looks like bad stucco.

    HILDA
    But this is beyond all measure of reason.

    HARPA
    Good Hilda, we must consider said things….we doth live in the woods and useth the plants of the earth for all our work….we shouldst be the first to consider about what servers environment and the people the best.

    HELGA
    I miss serving people, especially to other people.

    HILDA glares at HELGA, who smiles and quietly slinks back behind HILDA

    HILDA
    Harpa, I hat a business to run here. People doth pay us to put curses upon their enemies, to make people fall in love with them, or foretell their futures. They carest not if the person we turn into a frog for them gets cancer

    HARPA
    Hath they said that to you?

    HELGA
    Frog cancer tis so sad

    HILDA
    They doth not NEED to say it! People do not have other people turned into frogs because they wisheth them health and happiness!!!

    HELGA
    Yeah, but frog cancer tis sooooooo sad

    HILDA smacks HELGA in the head

    HILDA
    Who’s side art thou on???

    HARPA
    I know it doth cost more but…

    HILDA
    Costs? What dost thou mean, cost? What didst thou pay for that?

    HARPA
    Twas just a little bit more than….

    HILDA
    WHAT DIDST THOU PAY FOR IT?

    HARPA
    Three dracmas.

    HILDA fumes

    HARPA (CONT)
    Tis not too bad

    HILDA
    Regular wormwood is free!!! Thou mayst go and pick it up off the ground! It doth grow wild in the forest!

    HARPA
    True but who doth know what it hath been treated with, or what sort of pesticides are on it.

    HILDA
    Tis free!!! It could be buried in pig poop, and WE WOULD NOT CARE!!! We put it in a boiling cauldron and make potions with it! POTIONS THAT DO EVIL THINGS TO PEOPLE!!!!

    HARPA
    Surely thou wouldst not want a potion to taste like pig poop?

    HILDA
    WHY NOT? TIS AN EVIL POTION!!!! GIVEN TO SOMEONE THAT SOMEONE ELSE DOESN’T LIKE TO SOMETHING EVIL TO THEM!!! WHY SHOULDN’T IT NOT TASTE EVIL???

    HELGA
    Pig poop dot
    h taste more nasty than it doth taste evil.

    HILDA
    THOU ART AN IDIOT!!!

    Everyone pauses a moment….catching their breath. HARPA finally breaks the silence, resigned

    HARPA
    Fine….no more shall I bring organic ingredients for potion-making.

    HILDA
    Good

    HARPA
    I shalt stop suggesting uses for the rest of the lizard after we use it’s tongue for curses.

    HILDA
    Thank you

    HARPA
    And never more shall I bring up all the reasons we shouldst fly hemp-brooms instead of straw-brooms ever again, even though straw tis a resource intensive crop and has to be shipped in from…

    HILDA
    KNOCKST IT OFF!

    HARPA
    Sorry…old habit

    HILDA
    Darest not let it happen again. Now, mayst we finish this potion and go home?

    HARPA isn’t happy, but recovers herself and goes back to the cauldron

    HARPA
    Wormwood, that may or may not be organic, brought from the east

    Dump….belch

    HILDA
    Wing of bat that has freshly fed

    HELGA
    Rust from the axe that takes men’s heads….

    A knight, SIR ELDRIDGE, enters carrying a torch in one hand an a sword in the other wearing chain mail, a helmet, and a tunic with a royal looking crest on it

    SIR ELDRIDGE
    Halt Hags! Stay where thou art, and movest not!!!

    The sisters all freeze, scared of SIR ELDRIDGE

    SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)
    I am from his Majesty’s Environmental Protection Agency. We hath heard rumors of potions being illegally dumped in these woods. Dost know of such a thing?

    All of the witches respond with “oh no, haven’t heard of anything like that”, “didn’t see anyone dumping”, “how rude”, “the nerve of some people”, etc.

    SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)
    His Majesty’s fish pond hath been fouled with a frog-making potion that didst smell of pig poop……

    Again the witches respond over the of each other “of how awful”, “how inconsiderate”, etc.)

    SIR ELDRIDGE (CONT)
    Pray tell hags, what manner of potion be this?

    HILDA
    Tis but a generic potion….more like a potion base

    HELGA
    Potion starter

    Sir Eldridge sniffs it

    SIR ELDRIDGE
    Methinks it doth smell vaguely of pig droppings

    HARPA
    Oh no kind sir, you must be mistaken. For this potion doth use only organic ingredients.

    Sir Eldridge considers this for a moment

    SIR ELDRIDGE
    Doth not organic ingredients cost a great deal more?

    HARPA
    Aye, they do, but we feel the result be worth the price, and we doth simply charge those buying potions slightly more.

    SIR ELDRIDGE
    In truth, I’d pay more for an organic potion. Sir Halston didst purchase a common frog-making potion which he gave to his enemy, the Black Knight of Leeds. Turned the Knight into a frog, AND didst give him frog cancer.

    HELGA
    How sad

    SIR ELDRIDGE
    ‘Tis true. Sir Halston didst ends his days wracked with guilt. Pray thee, let me watch thee make thy organic potion.

    HARPA
    Thou art welcome to watch Sir knight, is he not good sisters.

    HELGA and HILDA answer “oh yes”, “sure”, etc. HILDA looks annoyed at HARPA, but has no choice but to go on

    HARPA
    Organically farmed wormwood, brought from the east

    HILDA
    Eye of…..free range…newt

    SIR ELDRIDGE
    Dost thou keep the rest of the newt after using only it’s eye?

    HELGA
    Aye, we make newt bread out of it

    SIR ELDRIDGE
    My mother didst make the most wondrous newt bread in my youth, with walnuts and raisins!

    FADE OUT.

  • Friday Sketch War – No Child Left Behind

    After being a long-time reader (and fan) of the Friday Sketch Wars, I decided to toss my hat into the ring (aka – get my ass in gear and get something written in time to play with the other kids 🙂 ). This weeks theme was “Back to School”.

    UPDATE:
    Richard got us dressed for school, and Michael made sure we got to class – so go check ’em out! And….they even kind enough to invite me to toss down the theme for next week (oh, the pressure).

    Sooooooooo…….in honor of the Democratic National Convention next week, let’s say the theme this week is: Gatherings
    ___________________________________________________________________

    INT. HIGHSCHOOL CLASSROOM – DAY
    Several students are milling about before class, talking to each other, flirting, the class nerd trying to be as invisible as possible….the usual classroom goings-on.

    The school bell rings, the classroom door opens, and in walks the teacher, MR. PHILLIPS

    MR. PHILLIPS
    Everyone settle down, settle down….I know you all have a lot to talk about after spending all summer hanging out together, but it’s learning time now.

    The students grumblingly sit down.

    MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
    Alright…..welcome to your senior year at William Taft highschool. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Mr. Phillips, and I will be your homeroom teacher for first semester. You will meet here first thing every morning, I will go over any announcements, hand out any official paperwork, and send you on your merry way. I will also be the first person you talk to if you have any questions or problems, and I will be the person who proctors the many standardized tests now required by the state throughout the year. Are there any questions?

    TIFFANY raises her hand

    MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
    Yes, Ms. Morelli.

    TIFFANY
    When can we buy yearbooks?

    MR. PHILLIPS
    Year books will be available for pre-purchase at the yearbook office after the new year.

    Another hand goes up – it’s LEILA’s

    MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
    Yes, Ms. Gray?

    LEILA
    What about student tickets for the football games?

    MR. PHILLIPS
    Student tickets for Taft Golden Wombats’ football games, either for individual games or season tickets, will be available for purchase from your homeroom teacher, in this case myself. This also applies to all other varsity sports throughout the year.

    A hand goes up from one of the boys in the back of the class

    MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
    Yes Mr., uhhhh, Clarkson is it?

    CHIP
    Yes sir, Chip Clarkson.

    MR. PHILLIPS
    What’s your question Mr. Clarkson?

    CHIP
    I wanted choir this fall, but it’s not on my schedule. Can I get that changed?

    MR. PHILLIPS
    Unfortunately Mr. Clarkson the entire music program has been eliminated due to budget cuts.

    The students break out grumbling amongst themselves

    MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
    We’ve also lost the drama program…

    More grumbling

    MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
    home economics….

    More grumbling

    MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
    …and Field Hockey.

    Not a peep

    MR. PHILLIPS
    The entire national economy is in the crapper right now people, and school budgets are stretched right to the breaking point. State and federal government wants us to focus solely on reading, math and sciences, because the U.S. is behind almost every other industrialized nation in those disciplines. They want regular standardized tests to gauge progress, and our funding will be directly related to how well you kids do on those tests. Low scores on those tests will result in lower funding and more cut programs, possibly even varsity sports.

    A grumble goes up from the entire class

    MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
    Which reminds me….Mr. Williams, are you here today? Tyson Williams?

    TYSON, one of the cool kids, athletic, stylish, and obviously a heartbreaker, stands up. He’s wearing a athletic letterman jacket and stylish tousled blonde hair, looking like he just walked off the set of Gossip Girl.

    TYSON
    Right here, yo!

    MR. PHILLIPS
    Mr. Williams, you’ve been the captain of the basketball team for the last two years, an all-state wrestling champion, and a star half-back for the Golden Wombats, have you not?

    TYSON
    You left out rock star and pimp of the nation bro!!!

    The class hoots and applauds at TYSON’s brashness. Mr. Phillips looks at Tyson’s record on his desk

    MR. PHILLIPS
    You barely passed your last two years of algebra, and earned a combined score of less than 500 on your practice SAT’s last year, which means you didn’t even spell you name correctly on the test.

    TYSON
    What can I say? I’m naturally gifted! GOLDEN WOMBATS RULE!!!

    While TYSON is talking, Mr. Phillips rings a little bell sitting on his desk. Two men in dark suits with dark sunglasses rush in through the door. Phillip’s points out Tyson, and the two men run over to him. They taser the boy, then pick him up and rush him out of the classroom. This all happens with the speed and precision of a military special forces operation.

    TIFFANY
    Oh my God Mr P! Those men just took Tyson!

    MR. PHILLIPS
    This is just a part of how things are going to be done at William Taft High from now on!

    CHIP
    What? We’re going to be tasered and kidnapped and never seen again?

    MR. PHILLIPS
    On the contrary – Mr. Williams is fine. Look…he’s coming back into the classroom right now.

    A thin small Indian teen, SANJEET, steps into the doorway, wearing Tyson’s letter jacket, which hangs on him, and wearing a blonde wig similar to Tyson’s hair. SANJEET speaks shyly with a heavy Indian accent He tries to speak hip, but has absolutely no clue how.

    MR. PHILLIPS
    There you are Mr. Williams. Welcome back. Please take your seat now that you’ve returned from using the restroom.

    SANJEET
    Thank you Mr. P. What is up my home skillets….I am wicked refreshed now that I my lizard has been successfully drained.

    Everyone stares as SANJEET takes TYSON’s seat

    TIFFANY
    That is NOT Tyson Mr. P.

    CHIP
    It’s some Indian dude!

    MR. PHILLIPS
    WRONG!!! This is the NEW Tyson Williams, former athletic wonder, who, thanks to an epiphany about where his low grades would lead him, has returned from Summer vacation an expert in complex mathematics and theoretical physics.

    SANJEET
    Quarks are my bitches!

    MR. PHILLIPS
    Now, if we can continue….

    TIFFANY
    NO!!! THIS IS SO TOTALLY WRONG!!! WHAT’S HAVE YOU DONE WITH TYSON???

    MR. PHILLIPS
    Ms. Morelli, your reading comprehension scores were embarrassingly low last year, weren’t they?

    TIFFANY
    DO NOT CHANGE THE SUBJECT MR PHILLIPS! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO TYSON!!!

    MR. PHILLIPS rings a little bell sitting on his desk. TIFFANY falls to the floor as if dragged down below her desk where we cannot see her, and the electric crackle of a taser is heard. After a few seconds an Asian girl, YEI, dressed like Tiffany and wearing a wig identical to Tiffany’s hair, sits back up in Tiffany’s chair. YEI speaks with a Chinese accent, and the same awkwardness as SANJEET

    YEI
    Forgive please, Mr. Phillips. I drop number 2 pencil to floor. Please continue.

    MR. PHILLIPS
    That’s quite alright Ms. Morelli. I’m sure that someone like you, who, at your age has already completed two entire books analyzing the works of Lord Byron, which may or may not have been written in your native language, must be very attached to her number 2 pencils.

    Every student except SANJEET and YEI glance nervously around, afraid to move, but trying to make sure there is no one on the floor around them.

    LEILA gingerly and nervously raises her hand.

    MR. PHILLIPS
    Yes, Ms. Gray?

    LEILA
    Mr. P….I’m not saying that something just happened, in fact I’m sure absolutely nothing just happened, and I defintiely didn’t see anything just happen, and I’d swear to that on a stack of bibles even though my parents have raised me Budhist…but IF something just happened, which it didn’t, why would it have just happened?

    MR. PHILLIPS
    That is a well thought out question Ms. Gray. As I said before, educational funding, which includes my salary and tenure possibilities, is now being determined solely by student scores on standardized tests. A teacher may be fired, have their salary reduced, or be denied tenure simply if their students score too low on those aforementioned tests, whether or not it is the fault of the teacher, the failure of apathetic parents to properly motivate their children, or whether the children in question are simply morons. A teacher will ultimately pay the price for the failure of his or her students, even if the teacher in question was once a member of U.S. Military special forces who still has close friends in covert operations. Does that answer your question Ms. Gray?

    LEILA
    (scared out of her mind and almost stuttering)
    Y…y…y…..yes, Mr. Phillips.

    MR. PHILLIPS
    I think it’s a great shame that there are so many bright ambitious students in poorer countries around the world, who would give anything for the quality education American students take for granted, and that those same foreign students are being denied that opportunity while American students take it for granted and waste it. I wish I could find a way to address that injustice, to provide those motivated hard-working foreign students with a solid education, don’t you Ms. Gray.

    LEILA
    (still scared out of her mind)
    Y…y…y…..yes I do , Mr. Phillips.

    MR. PHILLIPS
    In fact, I very confident that the students in this classroom who have, shall we say, discovered a new dedication to their education, are smart and driven enough to earn merit scholarships from some of the best universities in the world. And I feel certain that the rest of you will be motivated to work harder simply by their example, won’t you class?

    No one says a word. MR. PHILLIPS snaps his fingers and the two men in dark suits step inside the doorway, looking ominous.

    MR. PHILLIPS
    I SAID ‘WON’T WE CLASS’???

    THE ENTIRE CLASS
    (in unison)
    YES MR. PHILLIPS

    MR. PHILLIPS waves the two goons off….they Leave

    MR. PHILLIPS
    Any other questions before we proceed?

    CHIP carefully raises his hand

    MR. PHILLIPS (CONT)
    Mr. Clarkson….what is your question?

    CHIP
    (extremely nervous)
    Mr. Phillips….sir….with all due respect….we live in the in a country where kidnapping and torture of citizens is illegal and a complete violation of our the Constitution. The United States was founded on principals that directly refute such police state tactics.

    MR. PHILLIPS stares at CHIP, then slowly raises his little bell to eye level. MR PHILLIPS rings his bell again. The students on either side of CHIP slide down out of view, and tasering can be heard. Two new students of obvious foreign descent, wearing clothing and wigs that vaguely resembles that of the students they just replaced, pop up as if nothing had happened.

    MR. PHILLIPS
    Mr. Clarkson, your test scores have been exemplary, so I will tolerate your outburst. However, students with borderline test scores will be placed in seats around you at all times. Should you feel the need to deliver a civics speech, those students will suffer to the consequences of your actions and your arrogance. Are we clear Mr. Clarkson?

    CHIP
    Crystal, sir. Thank you sir.

    CHIP sits back down gingerly and quietly. LEILA carefully and slowly raises her hand.

    MR. PHILLIPS
    Another question already Ms. Gray?

    MR. PHILLIPS picks up the bell and holds it for LEILA to see, but doesn’t ring it.

    LEILA
    Sir…ummmm…won’t the parents of the students who have, umm, altered their appearance slightly here today, notice that they look different?

    MR. PHILLIPS
    You’re teenagers Ms. Gray – your parents never see you anyway.
    PRINCIPAL WATERS stands in the doorway and knocks on the frame

    MR. PHILLIPS
    Ah, Principal Waters, please come on in. We were just discussing the standardized test process for this year.

    PRINCIPAL WATERS
    That’s exactly what I came by to discuss. As I understand it, you had several students in your classes last year who scored lower than desired on their state-mandated tests, is that correct.

    MR. PHILLIPS
    Unfortunately it is Principal Waters. However, we were just discussing how everyone in this room has re-dedicated themselves to good study habits and….

    The taser noise is heard again, and MR. PHILLIPS collapses to the floor disappearing behind his desk. A middle eastern man, GABRIEL, stands up wearing the same sweater as MR. PHILLIPS

    PRINCIPAL WATERS
    By the way kids, Mr. Phillips spent the summer in an Israeali kibbutz, where he picked up a slight accent, but earned two PHd’s in 18th century English literature and quantum physics. He also got a quite a tan, but we all agree he bears absolutely no resemblance to any Mossad agent who might be hiding out int the United States, don’t we??

    PRINCIPAL WATERS grabs the bell and holds it up threateningly for all to see

    THE ENTIRE CLASS
    Yes Principal Waters!

    PRINCIPAL WATERS
    Excellent, children! Have a wonderful school year Mr. Phillips!

    GABRIEL
    Go Wombats!

    Fade out

  • Friday Funnys: Sketch Edition

    I’ve been trying to exhibit a little more discipline with my writing. So, to keep the muscles churning and to take a break between more serious projects, I try to write a sketch or two. Here’s an example.

    Bad Credit Baby

    (Tom and Debbie enter their house. Immediately Dan and Dawn and Ben and Betty jump up from behind furniture.)

    ALL
    Surprise!

    TOM
    What the hell?

    DEBBIE
    Dawn, Betty, what are you guys doing here?

    DAWN
    We wanted to be here when you brought the baby home.

    BETTY
    We wanted to be the first to meet the little guy.

    DAN
    So where is he?

    BEN
    Don’t tell me you guys forgot him in the car already?

    DEBBIE
    Why don’t you tell them, Tom.

    DAWN
    Oh no, is something wrong with him?

    TOM
    No, he’s fine. The hospital wouldn’t let us bring him home is all.

    DEBBIE
    Tell them why dear.

    TOM
    Do we have to do this now?

    DEBBIE
    They’re going to find out sooner or later.

    BETTY
    Find out what?

    BEN
    He’s a retard isn’t he?

    DEBBIE
    He’s not retarded. He’s perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes, two nostrils, two ears, two eyes.

    DAN
    So where is he?

    TOM
    Our credit check came back with some glitches.

    DEBBIE
    “Our” credit check? It was your goddamn student loans that did this. I told you just to pay them.

    DAWN
    What are you going to do?

    TOM
    They want $250,000 in cash before they’ll release him. What can we do?

    (Chester Appleway stands up from behind the couch and speaks directly to the audience. He is dressed in a polyester suit with a bad hair piece.)

    CHESTER
    How many times has this happened to you? Has your bad credit history caused you to forfeit your children so they could be sold by the hospital to pay for your bill? Well worry no longer. I’m Chester Appleway and I’m here to help.

    TOM
    Who’s this?

    DEBBIE
    Did you guys invite him?

    DAN
    I’ve never seen him before.

    CHESTER
    For three easy payments of $59.95 I can restore your credit history.

    DEBBIE
    You guys let a salesman into our house?

    DAN
    He must have slipped in when we were bringing in the cake.

    DEBBIE
    Where’s the repellant?

    TOM
    There’s some under the sink

    (Tom exits into the kitchen.)

    CHESTER
    Act now and I’ll send you, free of charge, this brand new waffle iron.

    (Tom re-enters.)

    TOM
    Damn it, we’re out!

    DEBBIE
    Well we have to get rid of him. What can we do?

    (Bradley Wiffler stands up from behind the chair. He wears coveralls over a white shirt and tie. He wears a button that reads “Ask me how to kill things.”)

    BRADLEY
    How many times has this happened to you? You have a pesky salesman in your home, but you’re fresh out of repellant. Well, my friends, your worries are over. My name is Bradley Wiffler and I’m here to help.

    DEBBIE
    Jesus, another one!

    DAWN
    You’ve got an infestation.

    TOM
    Are you sure none of you guys let them in?

    (Silence. They all look at Ben.)

    TOM
    Ben. Are you sure none of you guys let them in? Ben? Hello, Earth to Ben.

    BEN
    Sorry guys I forgot my line.

    (They all moan and shake their heads. Dirk Wrightwood, the director enters with a clipboad and wearing a headset.)

    DIRK
    Cut!

    BEN
    I’m sorry everyone. I blanked.

    DEBBIE
    Well, if you weren’t snorting so much fucking coke, maybe you could remember your fucking lines.

    BEN
    Blow me, Debbie! Oh wait, that’s how you got this job to start with.

    DEBBIE
    Fuck you!

    BEN
    Fuck yourself.

    DIRK
    People, people, people, people, people, settle down. Let’s get everyone back to their starting positions. We’re gonna take it from Tom and Debbie’s entrance. Debbie, honey, let’s see some emotions, huh? You’ve just come back from the hospital without your baby. For fuck’s sake, you’ve been carrying this thing around for nine months and now they won’t let you keep it? Show me some grief, babe.

    DEBBIE
    Dirk, I’m trying, but I have nothing to draw from. What can I do?

    (Miranda Queezland stands up from behind the couch. She wears black pants, a black turtleneck and a black beret. She has a red scarf tossed carelessly around her neck.)

    MIRANDA
    How many times has this happened to you? You’re in the middle of an emotional scene but you’re completely drained. You have nothing to draw from. Well fret no more because Miranda Queezland is here to help.

    DIRK
    And can someone get an exterminator in here or something? Seriously! These things are everywhere.

    BLACKOUT