Sketch War

Tag: change

  • FSW: Spare Changes

    If I keep this up, the west coast guy is going to get a reputation for consistently being late to post! What can I say – we San Franciscans just get lost in our gay marriages and medical marijuana 🙂

    Speaking of such radical things, this weeks theme (provided by Michael), was “change” . I decided to play with the word change on two levels, as well as working on a more relationship \ character based slice of life scene (with a healthy does of satirical social commentary as well…t least I HOPE that’s how it comes off 🙂

    RICHARD (not Robert…sorry about that Richard….see aformementioned note about medical marijuana) gave us the kind of change we could only get through super-powers (“form of a pig…with lipstick”), and Michael helps us look at the bright side of life (feel free to whistle along, Monty Python fans).

    And….since it appears I’ve been given the honor of picking the topic for next week…

    I was very tempted to pick “lipstick on a pig” as our theme, but I’ll veer away from political inspiration this round.

    Instead, our theme will be (drum roll, please)……..SPORTS
    in honor of this being the time of year when Baseball winds down and footbal ramps up.

    ___________________________________________________________________

    EXT. – COMMUTER TRAIN STATION – DAY

    CHARLIE, a well dressed business man in a suit, stands waiting for the morning train into the city, Wall Street Journal tucked under one arm, sipping a Grande Starbuck’s coffee. A few other well heeled commuters also stand around the platform waiting for their train.

    RAOUL, a ragged homeless-looking black man stumbles up onto the platform. He approaches a few of the commuters panhandling. All of them turn him down, ignore him, or just step away in disgust. Finally, RAOUL approaches CHARLIE.

    RAOUL
    Hey man, can you help a brother out?

    CHARLIE
    Sorry….I Don’t have any change.

    RAOUL
    Change?? I didn’t say shit about change….can’t buy shit with change now days. I asked for some help…but you wanna share some cash I’ll haul off a few dead presidents for you! Ha ha!

    CHARLIE
    I don’t have anything smaller than a twenty.

    RAOUL holds out his hand with a smile, waiting for CHARLIE to hand it over.

    CHARLIE
    I’m not giving you 20 dollars.

    RAOUL
    Tell you what…give me that twenty, and I’ll go get change for you.

    RAOUL holds out his hand and smiles again
    CHARLIE just stares at RAOUL for a moment in disbelief

    CHARLIE
    I forgot….I don’t have any cash on me right now…I didn’t have a chance to go by an ATM last night.

    RAOUL
    You got NO cash on you at all???

    CHARLIE
    Nope

    RAOUL
    Rich lookin’ muthafucka like you?

    CHARLIE
    Zilch

    RAOUL
    Not even single ratty old Benjamin you keep stuffed in your shoe for emergencies?

    CHARLIE
    Not a single bill.

    RAOUL
    So how’d you pay for that coffee?

    CHARLIE
    Starbuck’s card.

    RAOUL looks frustrated, and starts to go, then turns back.

    RAOUL
    Train fare?

    CHARLIE
    Commuter card.

    RAOUL
    Shit

    Starts to leave again….but gets an idea for one last go

    RAOUL
    How you buyin’ your lunch?

    CHARLIE
    Debit-ATM card.

    RAOUL
    Goddamn plastic cards everywhere man – no wonder the planet’s fucked.

    CHARLIE
    Excuse me.

    RAOUL
    Planet-fucking asshole.

    CHARLIE
    You have no right to pass any judgment on me, my stinky little friend!

    RAOUL
    I have every damn right man! You middle class money-sluts fuck up everything you touch. I’m out here living the utopian ideal.

    CHARLIE
    Oh please!

    RAOUL
    Man, dig this – I don’t commute, so I don’t pollute. I eat what other people were going to throw away. I wear what others are done wearing.

    CHARLIE
    And you smell like a baboon.

    RAOUL
    I don’t fuckin’ shower man…I don’t waste no water!!! I live wherever I want, under whatever I find, no house made from no cut-down forest, don’t use no electricity generated from no fossil fuels, don’t use no air conditioning leaking toxic chemicals….

    CHARLIE
    You pay no property taxes so you do nothing to help the community. You pay no income tax, so you do nothing to help clean up the environment or get homeless people off the streets. You consume no fuel, so you create no profit for companies developing alternative energy sources…

    RAOUL
    Blah-dy blah-dy blah-dy blah-dy blah-dy blah. You’re just scramblin’ your ass off to fix what you fucked up. I’m not fucking nothing up to begin with, so it ain’t my job to pay for fixin’ it.

    CHARLIE
    Give me a break. You’re just making excuses for being a worthless drain on society.

    RAOUL
    And you’re living your entire life in denial, trying to buy off your guilt for messing things up.

    CHARLIE
    I have nothing to feel guilty about. I live a good environmentally conscientious Christians lifestyle.

    RAOUL
    Man, you’re a middle class white guy….every last bit of shit in the world is your fucking fault! Racism, sexism, holy wars, genocide, diabetes, heart disease, Michael Bolton, keeping “Two and a Half Men” at the top of the Nielsen ratings….ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!

    CHARLIE
    Look, you’re getting a little loud, let’s calm down…

    RAOUL
    Oh….the homeless black man is getting a little too uppity for the nice white man…overstepping his station in life…

    CHARLIE
    (Looking around the platform)
    People are starting to stare…let’s just tone this down.

    RAOUL
    You can’t even look at me, can you….you look at me and all you see is guilt…guilt for sucking up money that could be distributed amongst everyone in society instead of being hoovered up by the elitist white minority to upgrade their iPhones.

    CHARLIE
    I have
    n’t upgraded, I’m waiting for them to fix the 3G issues….

    RAOUL
    When you look at me, you see thousands of years of oppression, of your kind screwing over people that didn’t look like you, didn’t pray like you, or just plain got a bit too uppity for you

    CHARLIE
    Quiet down friend…people are starting to stare.

    RAOUL
    Man, I ain’t you’re god damn friend! I am your goddamn stepping stool!!

    CHARLIE
    Look, pal…

    RAOUL
    I’m a man…respect me and call me by the name my mama gave me!!!

    CHARLIE
    You haven’t told me your name!!!

    RAOUL
    That’s your own goddamn fault!

    CHARLIE
    (noticing people staring)
    Just, please…quiet down….you’re making a scene.

    RAOUL
    Ohhhhhh….I see how it is. Big bad money-making white dude can’t handle a helpless little homeless man. Mr. middle-class gettin’ all embarrassed that other white folks see him crumble in the face of the ugly truth.

    CHARLIE
    I’m….I feel no guilt…it’s my fault you’re homeless….it’s your choices that have..

    RAOUL
    (to the crowd)
    THAT’S RIGHT PEOPLE….MR. WALL STREET FUCKING-JOURNAL HERE CAN’T HANDLE ONE DOWN ON HIS LUCK BLACK MAN!!! MR. MONEY BAGS WOULD RATHER SPEND HIS WHOLE LIFE SHOVELING MONEY INTO A CORRUPT SYSTEM…A SYSTEM THAT HIDES PEOPLE IN SHELTERS!!! HE WANTS A WORLD WHERE HIS VIEW ISN’T CLUTTERED WITH POOR PEOPLE SO HE CAN DRINK HIS LATTE IN PEACE!!!

    CHARLIE
    Oh God….

    RAOUL
    HE WANTS SOME CORPORATE MEGAPOWER TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE POOR BLACK PEOPLE INTO CLEAN BURNING FUEL FOR HIS GODDAMN LEXUS!!!

    CHARLIE
    I never said that…I…

    RAOUL
    I COULD BE THE SECOND GODDAMN COMING OF JESUS-FUCKING-CHRIST, BUT AS LONG AS I’M A POOR BLACK MAN THIS RICH FUCKER HERE WOULD TURN JEW BEFORE HE GAVE ME A SINGLE DOLLAR!!!

    CHARLIE
    Look…I just remembered I keep some money in my briefcase…here’s a ten.

    RAOUL
    I ain’t takin’ that.

    CHARLIE
    What?

    RAOUL
    I ain’t takin your goddamn dirty money. I will not be pulled out of Utopia by your hush-money, Satan.

    CHARLIE
    But this all started with…

    RAOUL
    (for the benefit of other commuters)
    I DO NOT WANT YOUR GOD DAMN GUILT MONEY, WHITE DEVIL!!! YOU CAN’T BUY YOUR CONSCIENCE BACK FROM ME, OPPRESSOR!!!

    CHARLIE
    Look….here’s a twenty….you said you’d take a twenty earlier, right?

    RAOUL
    (again performing)
    RICH WHITE MAN BUYS CONSCIENCE FROM POOR NIGGER FOR TWENTY BUCKS…FILM AT ELEVEN!!!

    CHARLIE
    Oh dear God…look, here’s a hundred and fifteen dollars, and my Starbuck’s card…there’s still thirty-five dollars on it…all yours if you’ll just stop this…please!!!

    RAOUL thinks it over

    RAOUL
    Can you get them breakfast sandwiches with that card?

    CHARLIE
    Yes…it’s Good for anything in the place

    RAOUL
    Whole bean coffee?

    CHARLIE
    Yes…everything

    RAOUL thinks it over even more

    RAOUL
    Alright…I accept your guilt money, and your environment-destroying cash card to the white supremacist coffee empire, in the name of restoring peace to my Utopia.

    CHARLIE
    Thank you.

    RAOUL
    I can see you feel real regret, and have rethought your place in the world.

    CHARLIE
    You have no idea.

    RAOUL
    This doesn’t absolve you from your crimes or relieve you of your guilt.

    CHARLIE
    I know.

    RAOUL
    Alright. You’ve got a a good heart under that oppressor’s skin.

    CHARLIE
    Thank you. And I’m truly sorry for everything my people have ever done to yours…I’ll spend the rest of my life being unbelievably aware of that, and trying to find a way to make it right.

    RAOUL walks off stage. CHARLIE closes up his briefcase, relived that it’s all over.

    RAOUL suddenly darts back on stage and over to CHARLIE

    RAOUL
    Say, you gonna be back for the morning commute tomorrow?

    BLACK OUT

  • FSW: Change Edition

    So far, Richard is the only combatant on the field with his funny, Wonder Twins sketch.

    This week’s theme was “Change”. Been a lot of it happening around me lately. It seems like my world has been build on a fault line and the Earth is beginning to shift and move like a bowl of Jell-O in great-grandma’s hands. But change is good, right? Lord I hope so.

    So here’s today’s offering. When I tossed out the theme I was thinking of writing a more political-centric sketch. But the Muse had other ideas. And there’s no arguing with her, either. It’s her way or the highway.

    Enjoy

    Be The Change

    MONTAGE: We see a series of shots of Brendan Johnson walking around the city doing good deeds. Someone tossing a cup at a trashcan and it misses, Brendan picks it up. Brendan is collecting pages of newspaper that blow in the wind and takes them to a recycling can. Brendan is carrying a little, old ladies groceries for her as they cross a busy street. Brendan is taking soup to a sick friend. Brendan is in the park with a pooper scooper. Brendan is scraping gum off the sidewalk.

    Cut to:

    INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY

    Brendan is sitting at a small table, sipping a steaming cup of tea while reading the Tao Te Ching. The bell rings over the door and Han Kerin enters looking down trodden. As the door closes, he slings his heavy book-bag over his shoulder and it slams into a woman reading notices on a corkboard.

    WOMAN: Hey!

    Han is oblivious and walks to the counter. After ordering he reaches into his pocket to pull out money and a fistful of coins scatter all over the counter and floor. In an frantic effort to try and catch some, he manages to knock over the display of CDs that were on the counter and spill two different people’s coffees. People mutter “asshole” and “jerk” as they try to avoid this walking disaster. As Han is on his hands and knees picking up his lost change, Brendan joins him and hands him a bunch of coins he’s picked up.

    BRENDAN: Rough morning?

    HAN: Aren’t they all?

    BRENDAN: Each day starts with a clean slate, full of potential and possibility.

    HAN: Yeah. Potential for more shit to go wrong.

    BRENDAN: If you only look for the negative that’s all you’re ever going to find.

    HAN: It’s better than constantly having your hopes dashed.

    BRENDAN: If you want good things to happen, you have to make them happen. Be the change you want to see in the world.

    HAN: Are you high or something?

    BRENDAN: On life, my friend. On life.

    HAN: Okay, well, it makes you sound like a crazy person.

    BRENDAN: And what if I’m the only sane one here?

    HAN: Then you’re delusional as well.

    BRENDAN: What are you doing right now?

    HAN: Well, I’m supposed to go to the unemployment office to see if…

    BRENDAN: You should come with me to the park.

    HAN: So you can murder me?

    Brendan laughs and pats Han on the back.

    BRENDAN: Just for an hour. I want to open your eyes to the possibilities that this world has to offer you.

    HAN: In the park?

    BRENDAN: Come on. When was the last time you really took a chance? Huh? The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

    HAN: Well, I suppose it can’t hurt.

    They are standing. Brendan has put his arm around Han.

    BRENDAN: The world is a beautiful, serene place. It’s us and our attitudes about it that make it ugly.

    Han is getting a little chocked up.

    HAN: You know, you’re the first person who’s actually said anything to me other than “Watch it, asshole.” or “How’s about a shower, fuckface.” in a long time.

    BRENDAN: Let’s go generate some positivity for you, my friend.

    HAN: All right. Let’s do it.

    Brendan grabs his things and they head for the door. Han is smiling.

    HAN: I can’t remember the last time I felt this…light. This excited about something.

    BRENDAN: Once you open the door to positive energy it’s hard to keep it out.

    Brendan begins to cross the street.

    HAN: Hey, what’s your name?

    Brendan stops and looks back. He opens his mouth to speak just as a city bus blows past running him over. Han shakes his head. While Han is standing there, looking at the carnage, a shady fellow gently pulls Han’s laptop out of his bag and walks off with it. He turns to leaves and stops as he has stepped in something. He picks up his shoe to reveal a long, sticky string of bubble gum and dog crap.

    HAN: That’s more like it.

    He walks away.

    FADE TO BLACK