Sketch War

Tag: death

  • FSW: Procrastination Edition

    The third week of our themed entries. And, true to the theme, I waited until the last minute to start working on it. Not that I haven’t been mulling the idea over in my head all week. But still…

    Next week’s theme is “Disney” for those of you playing along at home.

    Richard is already up with a scene from the historical moon mission.

    Mine doesn’t have nearly the honorable lineage.

    Procrastination

    (We see a television screen. A talking head news anchor.)

    ANCHOR: And today is the 75th Anniversay of the passing of James McAveney. Mr. McAveney’s passing is notable primarily because he was the last person known to have died in the past 75 years.

    (The channel changes. We see a reporter standing in the middle of a massive crowd of people.)

    REPORTER: Things have only gotten worse. With death rates still at zero, the planet’s resources have been pushed to the brink. And with land becoming a scarce commodity as well, desperate people are looking to man-made islands to save the ever increasing population.

    (The channel changes. A Reporter is talking to a distraught businessman.)

    BUSINESSMAN: We thought it was a fluke at first. But it’s been really hard to run a funeral home when there are no funerals.

    REPORTER: I understand this has been particularly trying on your wife.

    BUSINESSMAN: Yeah, well, she tried to commit suicide a while back, but it didn’t work. I came home and she was just hanging from banister, frustrated that she had failed. Guess it was her third attempt that day too.

    (We cut to a lavishly decorated office lobby. A beautiful woman sits behind the desk. The door opens and an incredible, white light fills the room. A voice emanates from the light and seems to be coming from everywhere at once.)

    GOD: Is he in?

    RECEPTIONIST: One moment, please. (Into intercom) Sir, the Great I Am is here to see you.

    DEATH: (On speakerphone) Sweet! Send him in.

    (We’re in the Death’s office. It looks like something from Edward Gorrey’s nightmares. God enters.)

    GOD: We need to talk. You’ve fallen behind on your quotas.

    (We see a hooded figure standing in front of a large screen TV. A large sickle leans against one wall. He holds a Wii remote in his bony hand which he swings like a tennis racket.)

    DEATH: Have you played this thing? It’s like you’re actually playing tennis. But without all the wear and tear on your joints. Amazing.

    (Death continues to play. God just shakes his head and sighs.)

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: The Loan’s the Thing Edition

    Hey, hey! It’s still daylight out and I’m posting my sketch! Huzzah.

    Richard is already in the mix and should probably watch out for stray bolts of lightening this weekend.

    No word from Dave yet, but keep your eyes peeled because he could strike at any moment.

    Here’s my attempt to get back into the swing of things. A little dark, but, well, sometimes I enjoy that. I hope you do as well.

    And, as always, feel free to join in on the action. Just post your link in the comments section.

    A Bank office. Jane Gorman is sitting behind her desk looking over papers. Marty Bellows is seated across from her.

    JANE: Well, Mr. Bellows, everything looks in order here.

    MARTY: Oh, wow. This is fantastic. I can’t tell you how excited I am.

    JANE: Do you know what you’re going to do with the place?

    MARTY: It’s been a dream of mine to buy a building and open up a little sandwich shop.

    JANE: Well, Marty, the people here are American National like to think we’re in the making-dreams-come-true business.

    MARTY: Thank you, so much. And any time you need lunch, stop in and it’s on the house.

    JANE: You’ll never get the loan paid off that way.

    (They share a laugh. The phone rings.)

    JANE: Look these over and start initialing by the X’s.

    (She hands Marty the papers and answers the phone.)

    JANE: Jane Gorman, talk to me.

    (Marty is reading an initially. Jane is listening on the phone her face growing more concerned.)

    JANE: (On phone) I see. Thank you for calling. (She hangs up.)

    MARTY: Do you need me to sign all three pages here? Or just this one?

    JANE: Let me see.

    (Marty hands her the papers and she tears them up.)

    MARTY: What are you doing?

    JANE: I’m sorry Mr. Bellows, but I’m afraid the loan has been rejected.

    MARTY: What? Why?

    JANE: I’d rather not say.

    MARTY: But I was signing the papers. We were talking about dreams coming true. (beat) Who was on the phone?

    JANE: No one.

    MARTY: Before the phone call I was signing papers. Afterwards you were tearing them up. Ms. Gorman, please.

    JANE: Mr. Bellows. Marty. (beat) You’re dying.

    MARTY: What?

    JANE: I’m sorry you have to find out this way.

    (He stands up and looks around.)

    MARTY: Am I on one of those hidden camera shows? Okay. You got me. Very funny.

    JANE: That was your doctor. The results just came back from your colonoscopy.

    MARTY: And he called you?

    JANE: We have a mutual back scratching policy between banks and hospitals. We let them know if a patient can pay their bills and they inform us when…well, a loan applicant is a bad bet. I’m sorry.

    (He sits.)

    MARTY: I’m going to die?

    JANE: Well, you should probably consult with your doctor, but he said he’d be hesitant to okay you for a five year loan.

    MARTY: There is so much I still want to do.

    JANE: (Looking over papers) Judging from your portfolio here, I’d say you could take a nice trip to Europe. Maybe even a cruise around the world. Of course, that isn’t taking into account the medical bills you’re sure to accumulate or the ever weakening dollar.

    (Marty stands and begins to leave, dejected.)

    MARTY: Uh. Thanks. I guess.

    JANE: Good luck, Mr. Bellows. And if you need anything, well…I hope you have some close friends.

    (Marty exits. Jane sits on the edge of her desk and looks at the audience.)

    JANE: What’s your dream? You living it or still planning? Better get cracking. You never know when your loan will get rejected.

    (She moves back to her chair as angelic, orchestral music begins.)

    DEEP BOOMING VOICE OVER: American National. Reminding you that life is short, but loans are forever.

    BLACKOUT