INT RESTAURANT – NIGHT
JACK a man in his early 30’s, sits alone at table wearing a business suit with a cocktail in front of him. He checks his breath, checks his appearance in the back of a spoon of any other convenient shiny object, and all manner of things someone waiting to make a good impression would do.
JILL, also in her early 30’s wearing a nice blouse and skirt, walks in and likewise checks her appearance. She looks around, sees JACK and walks over to him.
JILL
Jack?
JACK
Jill?
JILL
I thought that was…probably you.
JACK
Yeah, I don’t look a thing like my Match.com photo. I Photoshopped the hell out of it.
JILL
No worries! I’m 12 years older and 43 pounds heavier than mine!
Both of them chuckle.
JACK
Have a seat. I’d stand up to get your chair, but the table is hiding the beer gut I said was a six-pack.
JILL sits down.
JACK
So, will you be eating anything other than a salad tonight?
JILL
Not in front of you. I’m binge-ing later at home.
JACK
I was afraid you’d order something expensive, which I’d have to pay for in hopes I’d be repaid with sex. But I’d just end up resenting you after I ejaculate.
JILL
You’re not really a CEO rock guitarist stockbroker who writes poetry while rescuing puppies and infants are you?
JACK
Floor sales at Cell Phone Circus.
JILL
I’m not really an independently wealthy NFL cheerleader-slash-microbrewery heiress with porn star training.
JACK
I’m male – I had to take the risk just in case.
JILL
I don’t really skydive.
JACK
I don’t really like art museums.
JILL
I was never in a sorority.
JACK
I haven’t been in one since the restraining order.
JILL
I only watch Julia Roberts movies.
JACK
I only watch Adam Sandler movies.
JILL
I don’t have an apartment downtown.
JACK
I don’t have a penthouse.
JILL
I still live with my parents.
JACK
I have to break back into the ward before the 9:30 bed-check.
JILL
I’m not really a NASCAR fan.
JACK
I am.
JILL
I only wear granny-panties.
JACK
I only wear Depends.
JILL
My boobs aren’t real.
JACK
Neither is my hair.
JILL
(grabbing her breasts)
This is just padding. My real boobs are really tiny.
JACK says nothing , but glances at his crotch subtly.
JILL
But my butt is totally real.
JACK
So is my halitosis.
JILL
I’m here seeking self-esteem through the approval of others.
JACK
I’m hoping to get laid this year. I’ve only had one sexual partner.
JILL
I’ve only had one partner…while sober.
JACK motions to an invisible waiter
JACK
(to waiter)
Three Jack and cokes for the lady.
JILL
I get clingy and desperate in relationships.
JACK
We so much in common.
JILL
This is going so much better than most of my dates.
JACK
This honesty is turning me on.
JILL
It’s making me hot too.
JACK
Does that mean I’m going to get lucky?
JILL
Buy me the lobster and we’ll talk.
BLACK OUT