Sketch War

Tag: oprah

  • Peter’s Commentary on the ‘Oprah’ Edition

    Okay, so last week’s FSW topic was “Oprah”.

    So I wound up writing this sketch. I had spent days trying to think of something — *anything* — that I could do with the topic. I think the best I managed was a couple’s young daughter idolizes Oprah and causes embarrassing situations by trying to treat her parents as talk-show guests.

    Then I visited my family for Thanksgiving and talked about the topic with my sister, who watches the show from time to time. I somehow stumbled into, “What if some guy had a big collection of Oprah porn?”

    Katherine immediately said, “You probably should run with that.” Then we stood around the dining room trying to think of the most disturbing things one could do with that topic.

    I’m actually quite happy with the end result. I haven’t tried to write a scene that’s “OH GOD NO”-creepy before, so that was interesting. Apparently the scene thoroughly disgusted this round’s other two entrants, which I guess means that I accomplished what I set out to accomplish. And I think I struck a nice compromise between sketch structure (funny, Funny, FUNNY!, end) and scenework (hero pursues an objective and faces complications).

    It bugs me, though, that I didn’t get the structure quite right. The opening scene in the living room works okay — Matthew’s series of reactions amuses me — but it feels kind of tacked on. And I could have improved the reversal at the end, where I reveal that Chase’s Oprah fetish is actually a cover for his roommate fetish. I keep trying to use a sudden twist as a sketch’s button, but the twists are never clear enough, or they don’t make sense at all.

    For this round, Coyote wrote this sketch, and Ken Robertson wrote this one. I laughed out loud at “You watch a lot of shows on that LG HDTV refrigerator at your place?” / “Sometimes!”. I also laughed out loud when, at the exact moment when I thought Ken’s sketch couldn’t get any crazier, the Mayan death god Cizin appeared. Well-played, sirs.

    (If anybody wants me to get all detailed and critiquey with their sketchwar entries, lemme know. I may not know what I’m doing w/r/t sketch, but I can easily blather on about sketches in an opinionated fashion.)

    On to next week! Once Mr. Porter posts the recap for this week, I’ll post about the “learning something new about history” round.

  • FSW: Oprah Edition

    Annnnnnnndddd coming in just under the wire…

    It’s Friday Sketch War….and if you’re going to come to a war, it’s nice to be fashionably late (hey, it worked for the U.S. in both world wars, right???).

    Anyway here’s my foray into the world of Oprah…and her friends.

    Peter put the Big O in Oprah for us and Richard gave us some lovely homemade gifts

    Not sure who’s handling our theme for next week, but following Oprah is gonna be a tough act.
    But for now…….heeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee’sssssssss OPRAH!
    ___________________________________________________________________

    INT. OPRAH’S OFFICE – DAY
    A large opulent office with pictures of Oprah hanging on every wall. The door opens and here comes the woman herself, followed by her assistant HENRY, who reads off a clipboard.

    HENRY
    …and Maria confirmed her interview for next Thursday, but she’s coming solo, no Nick. Michelle Obama agreed to write the “First Day as First Lady”article for “O” in January, and she confirmed you have 3 VIP tickets to the inaugural ball.

    OPRAH
    That’s fabulous Henry. Well done! Thank you so much – you have no idea how much I appreciate everything you do for me.

    HENRY
    It’s just nice to be part of it all Ms. Winfrey.

    OPRAH
    Now Henry, you’re my friend…I am never “Ms. Winfrey” to my friends.

    HENRY
    Alright…..Oprah. Oh heck – I’ll just call you “O”!
    (giggles)
    I’m going to check on the fundraiser invites – I heard “The Donald” RSVP’d yes this time!

    OPRAH
    Fabulous Henry. Thank you so much!

    HENRY beams as her leaves. OPRAH sits down at her desk and starts going through the various memos and letters sitting there. An electrical crackle is heard outside the door, and light flashes can be seen beneath it. Smoke starts coming under the door right before the door bursts open and T101 walks in carrying an extremely large multi-barreled machine gun. He steps into the room and slams the door closed behind him and locks it.

    OPRAH
    Excuse me…can I help you?

    T101
    (in an Austian-accented stiff mechanical voice)
    I am a Cyberdyne systems Terminator model 101. I have been sent back in time to terminate you, and stop from destroying the future.

    OPRAH
    Destroying the future? Honey, are you sure it’s me you’re looking for?

    T101
    Are you talk show host and media magnate Oprah Winfrey?

    OPRAH
    Yes, I am.

    T101
    Then you are the my target. I must destroy you.

    OPRAH
    Now wait a minute…there must be some mistake. Do you know anything about me?

    T101
    Oprah Gail Winfrey, born January 29, 1954 in Kosciusko, Mississippi, host of an internationally syndicated talk show, magazine publisher, influential book critic, and philanthropist.

    OPRAH
    Philanthropist – do you know what that means?

    T101
    One who actively engages in efforts to promote human welfare through actions and or charitable donations.

    OPRAH
    Right…I try to help people, with everything I do. My magazine is dedicated to things that make people’s lives better. I recommend books that can positively affect people’s lives. I’ve founded schools. I discovered Dr. Phil. Even my interviews help celebrities deal with issues. I couldn’t possibly hurt people. You must have me confused with someone else.

    T101
    May 23, 2005 – you interview actor Tom Cruise. Your therapeutic interview style emboldens him to jump up and down on your sofa like a child. Over the next 4 years his inhibitions continue to disappear and he begins making outrageous claims about the healing powers of Scientology. On April 25, 2009, his Scientology powers fully manifest. By the end of 2009, he eradicates all mental illness from the planet and Tom Cruise turns his attention to other illnesses. June 5 2010, Tom Cruise cures the last sick person on the plane. Pharmaceutical companies and health care providers are bankrupted, and the medical-industrial complex is destroyed creating massive financial upheaval. Tom Cruise appoints himself surgeon general of the galaxy then swears undying loyalty to you for unleashing his true potential. He creates an army of scientology-powered healers, placing you in total control of the world’s mental and physical health.

    OPRAH
    Tom’s little crazy, but disease becomes a thing of the past – that’s amazing! How can that be…

    T101
    In 2009, the world is on the brink complete financial collapse. The big three American automakers border in complete self-destruction. On May 22nd, 2009, you arrange a secret meeting between yourself and the heads of GM, Ford and Chrysler. Three days later, every household in the world is told to look under their favorite chair. Each finds a key and a note that says “You get a car!”. May 25th, 2009 – millions around the world pick up their free american-made car Gasoline sales soar, and the low Detroit quality standards force all vehicle recipients to seek professional service. Within 30 days, the global economy is booming, and automakers see record profits from replacement parts and mechanics fees. The big 3 automakers and OPEC declare loyalty to you.

    OPRAH
    Doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with that. People who can’t afford cars get them, the world’s economy is fixed, automakers are saved….everyone’s happy.

    T101
    On August 5th, 2011 the world enters a new ice age. Vehicle emissions block 68% of the earth’s normal sunlight. No one is depressed due to the efforts of Tom Cruise’s Scientology corps.

    OPRAH
    Okay. I see where that could have been handled better, but I promise that I will…

    T101
    On November 6th, 2012 Barack Obama wins his second presidential term with 89% of the popular vote. On December 21st, 2012 – the day ancient Mayans predicted would be the end of the world, President Obama gives a press conference outlining his plan to address the ice age. It is preempted by a CNN report showing the Mayan god of death, Cizin, rising from his dormant underground state and laying waste to Mexico city. President Obama takes flight in front of the White House press corps, revealing himself to be a highly advanced robot. He arrives in Mexico City and fights Cizin. He defeats Cizin. Soon after an anonymous sour
    ce coms forward with proof that he created by scientists working in a secret laboratory at “O” magazine.

    OPRAH
    That’s impossible…no one knows about that lab…how do you..

    T101
    I am from the future. President Obama has been acting on your commands for his entire political life. You become the most powerful person on the planet controlling health care, the economy, and the United States. On January 27th, 2012, you are appointed queen of the world. Howard Stern commits suicide. After 20 years, most of the planet is well adjusted, exercising regularly and eating a sensible diet. Anyone who refuses to get in touch with their feelings is hunted down and sent to inner-child rehabilitation camps. A small group of rebels storm the “O” robotics lab, and under poor conditions create the terminators to stop you and your enforcers.

    OPRAH
    I don’t think you want to stop me…I think you need….

    OPRAH dives for her desk and hits a button. A panel in the wall behind her opens up, and Dr. Phil marches out with a large gun

    DR. PHIL
    …a big dose of reality son!

    T101 fires and blows Dr. Phil’s head off. It sputters and sparks.

    T101
    I was forewarned about your Dr. Phil robot. Now, I must kill you.

    OPRAH
    Wait….you don’t have to be this way, a mindless killer. There’s a part of you that feels regret and sorrow for me.

    T101
    I have now feelings. I am a machine. Your therapeutic questioning cannot affect me.

    OPRAH
    Alright. You know yourself best. Just let me give you a last present – a book I’m reviewing.

     OPRAH picks up a book off her desk and tosses it to T101

    T101
    (reading the book title)
    “You Are Not A Machine – reclaiming your humanity”. You’re attempt at distraction is wasted on….
    (pausing as he skims through the book)
    I have felt alone like this….how the author know?

    OPRAH has pulled out a bazooka from under her desk and she shoots T101 with it. He explodes in a ball fire. Parts fall smoldering everywhere. The phone on the desk buzzes. OPRAH picks it up.

    HENRY (on phone)
    O? What was that noise? Are you alright?

    OPRAH
    I’m fine Henry. It was just another terminator. Have security check that time-travel shield around the building, I don’t think it’s working. And have the lab send up another Dr. Phil ASAP.

    HENRY (on phone)
    Right away O.

    OPRAH hangs up the phone, then redials

    OPRAH
    Barack – this is Big O…access code 41542. Activate Mayan God combat protocols…we’re going to update your database.

    FADE OUT

  • FSW: Oprah’s Favorite Things

    Holy crap. I swear, when I thought of Oprah last week, I had visions of sketches writing themselves. So many ideas filled my head: Oprah as a cruel taskmaster; Oprah as an international spy; Oprah giving hitmen assignments with envelopes under their seats. Those ideas? They don’t work. Nothing worked. I was going to do a dinner party where Steadman was the butler? Crap. Everything crap.

    Then I realized I really needed to take Oprah *out* of the sketch.

    This isn’t comedy gold, but I think it’s alright. As for the products mentioned…thank you Wikipedia!

    Peter’s sketch is up already – and is both funny and disturbing. I credit him for reminding me that Oprah permeates our culture. Of course, I won’t be crediting him when I have nightmares tonight. No word yet from anyone else, but come on back for the recap this weekend.

    Oprah’s Favorite Things

    INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

    MAYBELLE and her guests JO, JOLLY, and AMY sit in the cleanest, classiest, brightest doublewide in town. JOSH GROBAN’S “NOEL” plays in the background. The women are all in their late-30s to late-40s and well turned out. A careful observer might notice they’re all wearing the same RACHEL PALLY SWING TURTLENECK AND SAILOR PANTS. The truly observant might see the matching UGG BOOTS and TOYWATCH CRYSTAL WATCHES. That observer would be very much like these women if she knew the significance of that.

    JO

    These cookies are fantastic, Maybelle.

    MAYBELLE

    Thanks, Jo. I found the recipe in last month’s “O” and just whipped them up in my KitchenAid Artisan Mixer.

    JOLLY

    The cookies are good, but this sorbetto is to die for. Ciao Bella?

    MAYBELLE

    Of course! Is there any other?

    The ladies all laugh. Amy picks up a dog-eared book. It’s a copy of KEN FOLLET’S “THE PILLARS OF THE EARTH”. She flips through it.

    AMY

    Jack’s dreamy.

    The ladies all sigh.

    MAYBELLE

    Oh, oh! It’s time!

    Maybelle picks up a remote and mutes the music. She turns up the TV. OPRAH’S THEME MUSIC plays. Jolly mans a SONY NOTEBOOK. Jo and Amy have pencils, paper, and BLACKBERRIES ready.

    OPRAH (O.S.)

    These are my favorite things…with a twist! Today, we’re going to learn how to have the thriftiest holiday ever!

    MAYBELLE

    Uh-oh…

    OPRAH (O.S.)

    In a time of such economic trouble and uncertainty, I can’t in good conscience give away lavish gifts. Instead I’m going to show you some do-it-yourself gift ideas for the holidays.

    Jo’s cellphone rings. She answers and immediately pulls the phone from her ear. We hear…

    STEFFI (O.S.)

    There’s nothing under my goddamn seat! No gift basket! Nothing here!

    (muted, to someone at her location)

    No! No, I will NOT calm down! I didn’t ride 13 hours on a Greyhound bus for macaroni frames and hugs!

    Sounds of a scuffle, coming through the phone and the TV. Then silence. Maybelle turns off the TV.

    AMY

    “Gratitude boxes?”

    JOLLY

    Great. What am I supposed to wear for the next year? This turtleneck?

    JO

    I love you guys.

    MAYBELLE

    Can it, Jo.

    JO

    No, I mean it. If Oprah thinks we should cut back, maybe we should. I’m still paying off my Dell 30″ Wide-Screen LCD TV.

    JOLLY

    That was from 2004!

    JO

    I know. Ricky had to take an extra shift just to keep us from losing the Taurus.

    AMY

    I hate Scrabble!

    JOLLY

    I don’t understand you guys. Just because Oprah says we should cut back, you’re going to cut back? That makes no sense. I mean, if she told you to buy something useless, would you?

    MAYBELLE

    You watch a lot of shows on that LG HDTV refrigerator at your place?

    JOLLY

    Sometimes!

    JO

    Look, I can’t keep up anymore. I think Oprah’s right. This year, I’m giving out handmade gifts.

    AMY

    Me too.

    MAYBELLE

    So am I. Jolly?

    JOLLY

    Alright. Fine. Let’s put something else on. I don’t feel like talking much right now.

    Maybelle picks up the remote and clicks away. She stops and we hear…

    ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

    Doors open at midnight Thursday with low-low prices throughout the store. Don’t be late for the After Thanksgiving Sales Event at Wal-Mart!

    The women look lustfully at the TV, and then each other.

    MAYBELLE

    I’ll bring the coffee. Amy, bring lawn chairs.

    BLACKOUT:

  • FSW: Oprah Edition (Peter’s Entry)

    Friday Sketch War
    Oprah Edition
    “No Accounting for Taste”

    FADE IN:

    INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

    A typical college apartment. MATTHEW (uptight college kid) sits on a couch, picks up a remote, and uses it to turn on an entertainment center. A Pirates of the Caribbean DVD case sits nearby.

    ON TV

    Oprah Winfrey’s talk show returns from commercial. The TV chiron reads, “I can’t control my teenage daughters!”

    BACK ON MATTHEW

    Matthew picks up the DVD case, puzzled. Looks at it, looks at the TV. Meanwhile, we hear the AUDIO from the TV…

    OPRAH (O.S., TV)

    Sandra, what’s the real problem you’ve had with your mom?

    SANDRA (O.S., TV)

    Mom doesn’t like that my sister and I just can’t keep our hands off each other.

    PORN MUSIC kicks in.

    Matthew is intrigued.

    OPRAH (O.S., TV)

    Hey… mind if I join you?

    Matthew lets out a little YELP of alarm and turns off the TV.

    INT. CHASE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

    Typical messy undergrad bedroom. CHASE (mellow college kid) lies in bed. His outfit includes a belt.

    The room has a shelf of DVDs and two doors: one (closed) door leads to a closet, and one (open) door leads to the hallway. A wig and a magazine sit on the floor.

    Matthew tentatively enters from the hallway, holding a DVD labeled “Oprah: The Lost Nastysodes”.

    MATTHEW

    Chase, I think you got a couple of DVDs swapped.

    Chase gets up, picks up the DVD.

    CHASE

    Ooh. Yeah, that’s mine.

    Chase thumbs through the DVDs on the shelf. Matthew looks on.

    MATTHEW

    Chase, is that all Oprah-themed…

    CHASE

    It’s Oprah porn. What?

    MATTHEW

    That’s kind of a lot of it, isn’t it?

    CHASE

    It’s just the classy stuff.

    (off the DVD)

    These guys, they get the show down, and their Oprah impersonator is just — mmm!

    MATTHEW

    Oh. That’s good. Can I have my Pirates DVD back?

    CHASE

    You like this stuff? ‘cos if you want to get into Oprah porn…

    Chase opens the closet door, the inside of which features a bikini pinup with Oprah’s head crudely pasted on top of it.

    CHASE

    … I’m your guy.

    MATTHEW

    Oh god.

    CHASE

    Nothin’ to be ashamed of.

    Chase picks up the magazine, hands it to Matthew — the title reads “OhhhhhHHH! The magazine of Oprah-themed Adult Entertainment”.

    CHASE

    See? It’s a whole industry.

    MATTHEW

    That’s not right.

    CHASE

    Wait, I thought you liked The Color Purple.

    MATTHEW

    Yeah, but — wait, didn’t I loan you my copy?

    CHASE

    Want it back?

    Chase rummages through his bedsheets.

    MATTHEW

    No. I just want to watch Pirates of the Caribbean!

    Matthew trips on the wig. Sees it. Picks it up.

    MATTHEW

    This is an Oprah wig.

    Chase crosses to the hallway door, closes it.

    CHASE

    I don’t use it for anything weird.

    Matthew drops the wig.

    MATTHEW

    Ew!

    CHASE

    Don’t judge!

    MATTHEW

    But Oprah is like America’s mom!

    CHASE

    (aw, yeah)

    I know.

    Chase walks away from the hall door, revealing:

    A poster of an animé tentacle monster, again with Oprah’s face pasted on.

    Matthew freezes.

    CHASE

    Can’t look away, can you?

    Matthew exits in a hurry, and SLAMS the door behind him.

    CHASE

    Whew. Dodged that bullet.

    He pulls out a remote, presses a button.

    The Oprah posters roll up to reveal similar pin-ups with Matthew’s head posted on them.

    Chase puts on the wig. Takes off the belt.

    CHASE

    It’s fun time.

    Matthew re-enters.

    MATTHEW

    Look, Chase, could I just get my DVD —

    Matthew sees the new closet poster. Sees the wig. Sees the belt.

    CHASE

    Hi.

    Matthew exits.

    BLACKOUT.