The room is dark and smoky with light beams streaming from above through the haze. Several men sit around a table, wearing green visors, bow ties, vests, horn rim glasses, and all smoking cigars. The leader, CPA, sits at the head of the table, surrounded by DOUBLE LEDGER, NICKEL, DIME, and RED INK. Each has an old-fashioned adding machine sitting on the conference table in front of them.
BIG CPA
Alright boys, this is it – the pieces are in place and we’re about ready to take this joint. Red Ink – report your progress.
RED INK
Right Big CPA. I started making small subtractions from the books months ago – a penny there, a dollar here. And I just kept carrying them forward – it would take an average person years to find the errors.
BIG CPA
Very nice…Nickel, Dime, what have you two been up to?
NICKEL
Ohhhhhh….Beeeg CPA, we have been soooooo naughty.
DIME
We keep changing what expenses are allowed….
NICKEL
And sending undecipherable memos about it to the executives
DIME
When they submit expense reports, we randomly select items to approve, and write checks for them…
NICKEL
But we don’t say which they are…so the executives won’t deposit those checks until they figure it out.
DIME
Which they never will!!!!
NICKEL AND DIME
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
BIG CPA
Diabolical boys. Double Ledger, what have you got?
DOUBLE LEDGER
I invented this special carbon paper. It automatically misaligns to any ledger you set it on. Every time someone makes an entry in the books, it moves it one line down in carbon copy, so all the entries are confusing and make no sense! And only I have the master ledger!!!
BIG CPA
Excellent work DL! I’ve been explaining our quarterly taxes to the boys upstairs using made up words – like “acrumulation” and “ficundosity” – just to confuse them. The words mean nothing, but sound official, so none of the execs have any idea what our real financial situation is.
NICKEL
Nice one…
DIME
Boss!
BIG CPA
In short boys, we’ve made accounting unbelievably illegible and complex around here…so the Staplelite corporation ever wants its books straightened out it will have to put us, the Axis of Accounts, in charge!
RED INK
At last!!! The accountants will run things! We won’t be the corporate weenies anymore!
BIG CPA stands up and places his hand on the return pull handle of the adding machine in front of him. The others follow suit.
BIG CPA
Gentlemen…..I give you the Axis…
(He pulls the handle twice….ca-chink, ca-chink)
Of Accountants!!!!
ALL
THE AXIS…
(ca-chink, ca-chink)
OF ACCOUNTANTS!!!
THE RECONCILER (O.S.)
I wouldn’t count your profits before you tallied your accounts receivable if I were you.
DOUBLE LEDGER
Jiggers! It’s The Reconciler!!!
The Reconciler, a man in a black eyes mask like the Lone Ranger, wearing a blue suit and stylish fedora steps out from the shadows.
THE RECONCILER
That’s right Double Ledger, and it’s time I liquidated your assets!!!
BIG CPA
Nickel, Dime…get him!
NICKEL and DIME jump up and start circling THE RECONCILER, brandishing sharpened pencils at him. RECONCILER looks at them for a moment, then pulls out a slide rule. They duel furiously, and the RECONCILER loses his slide rule, then catches NICKEL and DIMES pencils, one in each hand, as they lunge at him. With his thumbs, he breaks the tips off their pencils. NICKEL and DIME stare in disbelief as THE RECONCILER wraps them up with a roll of adding machine paper.
RED INK jumps into the fray.
RED INK
Stay back Reconciler! Or you’ll end up….
(pulls a bottle of red ink out of his pocket)
…in the red!!!!
THE RECONCILER
Do your worst, Red Ink!
RED INK splashes ink from his bottle all over THE RECONCILER, but it does nothing.
RED INK
It…..it can’t be!!!
THE RECONCILER
My suit is colored with the ink from a thousand leaking bic sticks! Your red ink will have no effect!
RED INK
No!!!! No!!!! It can’t be! Red ink affects eveyone!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!
RED INK slumps gibbering into the corner.
BIG CPA
Double Ledger – hit him with your books!!!
DOUBLE LEDGER
I’m an accountant….I’ve never been the physical type.
DOUBLE LEDGER throws himself out the conference room window.
THE
RECONCILER
It’s just you and me now, Big CPA.
BIG CPA pulls some papers out from under the table
BIG CPA
Wrong Masked Mathematician! It’s you, me, and your tax return from last year!
THE RECONCILER
How….how did you get that?
BIG CPA
Let’s see….looks like someone took an awfully big deduction for entertainment expenses last year.
THE RECONCILER
That’s completely legal – I threw a party thanking the Justice League for letting me to do their taxes. It was a way of getting repeat business which is allowed under 1956 tax law.
BIG CPA
Well then, how do you explain this deduction for your super car – the Add-illac?
THE RECONCILER
It counts as a government vehicle, since I fight for truth, justice and tax law. Therefore I can write off the entire cost of the vehicle in the year I buy it.
BIG CPA
Ahh, but you deducted operating expenses too…that deduction was disallowed in the section 405 amendment!
THE RECONCILE
Interesting….you must have learned that in a seminar last year, huh?
BIG CPA
Seminar? I haven’t been to a tax seminar in decades!!!! I just read the IRS updates!
THE RECONCILER
That’s what I thought…and that means you’re no longer a CPA!
BIG CPA
Nooooooo!!!!!! It can’t be!!!!
THE RECONCILER
The state requires 10 education hours for each CPA every year, and you haven’t got them! By the authority granted me by the state of Ohio, I revoke your certification…you’re powerless!
The doors open, several old-style police officers rush in, as well as Martin Palmer, CEO.
THE RECONCILER
Take them away boys…and be sure to throw their doctored books at them.
MARTIN
Good work Reconciler. How can the Staplelite corporation ever thank you?
THE RECONCILER
You’re a CEO Martin, you should never have to thank an accountant. But know that I’ll be out there, searching for better ledger systems, trying to find tools that make it easier for idiots to math, looking for automated self contained systems that do accounting accurately and quickly without socially awkward introverts being involved in the process. And I won’t rest until accountancy is something anyone can do easily, anytime, anywhere, any place!
THE RECONCILER starts to head out.
MARTIN
Uhhh…Reconciler?
THE RECONCILER
Yes Martin?
MARTIN
My books still need cleaning up….you weren’t going to walk off and just leave them with errors were you?
THE RECONCILER
No Martin, I just figured I’d wait until Monday too…
MARTIN
Did you have plans over the weekend?
THE RECONCILER
Well, no…Wonder Woman is having this party though…
MARTIN
Did she invite you?
THE RECONCILER
Ummm….no, not verbally or in a written invite but I think….
MARTIN
Oh good, then you’re free. Why don’t you get started then, and maybe you’ll be finished in time to crash the party you weren’t invited to. I’ve got a golf game to get to.
THE RECONCILER
Ummmm….sure Martin. Whatever you say.
MARTIN
You’re a life save Reconciler!
BLACK OUT