I know that as soon as the writer’s strike ends producers are going to be trying to fill their schedules with the next Grey’s Anatomy or BJ and the Bear. I’d like to offer my services to them by sharing this preview of a new medical drama I’m writing. I think it has a lot of potential.
NOTE TO PRODUCERS: You can have this puppy for a song.
The screen is black. Gradually a picture of a golden retriever appears on the screen. Its head is bandaged and there’s a harness, with wheels, on its hind legs. Under the picture the letters S.L.V.H.R.B.H. appear. Dramatic theme music begins as the announcer says:
VOICE OVER
Next week on a very special “St. Luke’s Veterinary Hospital for the Really, Badly Hurt”.
(Carl Maggi rushes through the doors of the Veterinary Hospital with a limp chimpanzee in his arms. The chimp is dressed as a cowboy.)
CARL
I need a doctor over here!
(Dr. Nathan Forrest and Dr. Marty Durbin race to the scene.)
DR. NATHAN
What happened?
CARL
I was getting ready for work when I heard him fall down the stairs.
(Dr. Marty is listening to the chimp’s pulse.)
DR. MARTY
Breathing is shallow. B.P. 90 over 50.
CARL
I think he slipped on a banana peel.
(The chimp begins to weakly make motions with his hands.)
DR. MARTY
Does he know sign language?
CARL
A little. Look, is he going to be all right or what?
DR. NATHAN
What’s his name?
CARL
Mr. Green Jeans.
(Dr. Nathan begins signing to Mr. Green Jeans as they carry him into an operating room. Other vets arrive and begin working on him. Carl tries to follow them into the room but Dr. Nathan stops him.)
NATHAN
I’m sorry, you’re not allowed in here.
(Nathan enters the room. The doors close and Carl stands looking in the window. From the next operating room we hear the unmistakable sound of an EKG monitor flat-lining. We CUT TO another operating room to see a group of vets gathered around the table.)
DR. TONY
We’re losing her!
DR. KATHY
Where’s the damn crash cart?
DR. TONY
Give me room, I’m going to start compressions.
(Everyone backs away to reveal a turtle lying on its back with tubes and wires connected to it. Dr. Tony takes his two index fingers and begins CPR on the turtle.)
DR. TONY
Fight, damn you! Fight!
(As he begins mouth to mouth we CUT TO a larger examining room. A horse stands in the middle of the room covered with a blanket. Dr. Kareem has her arm, up to the elbow, in the horse’s butt. Donald Parker and his son Teddy are watching.)
DR. KAREEM
I think I may have found the cause of the blockage.
(She removes her arm and is holding a Power Ranger action figure. She hands it to Teddy.)
DR. KAREEM
Does this belong to you?
(Teddy grabs it and hugs it.)
TEDDY
Blue Ranger!
(Dr. Kareem smiles and musses Teddy’s hair with her gloved hand.)
DONALD
How many times do I have to tell you? The horse’s ass is not a toy box.
(CUT TO Dr. Drake entering the men’s room. He opens the first stall and Mac, the janitor, is working the bowl with a plunger.)
MAC
Somebody tried to flush another goddamn hamster.
(Dr. Drake moves to the larger, handicapped stall. When he opens the door he sees a family, William, Janet, Becky, and Billy standing in front of the toilet. Billy holds an empty goldfish bowl. William is just finishing up a prayer.)
WILLIAM
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen.
(The Family all cross themselves and say Amen and then Billy flushes the toilet.)
BILLY
Will that take Ginny to Heaven, daddy?
WILLIAM
Yes son, it will.
(They all exit the stall and Dr. Drake enters, sits and is getting ready to read the latest issue of “Cat & Kittens” Magazine when he sees Becky looking at him from under the stall.)
BECKY
Is that man’s poop going to heaven too, Daddy?
(CUT TO the nursery. Nurse McMillan enters and sees Dr. Marcus with his back to her holding a large baby bottle. Dr. Marcus’ head is tilted back and he is moaning with pleasure.)
NURSE MCMILLAN
Dr. Marcus?
(Dr. Marcus is startled and drops the bottle. He begins futzing with his pants. He turns to her, very distracted.)
NURSE MCMILLAN
What are you doing?
DR. MARCUS
Julie. I didn’t hear you come in. I…uh…was just feeding little Ophelia here.
(A small lamb wanders around nudging the front of Dr. Marcus’ pants. )
DR. MARCUS
(To Ophelia)
Go away. Shoo.
NURSE MCMILLAN
Oh my God. How could you?
DR. MARCUS
Julie, wait I can explain.
NURSE MCMILLAN
Is that why you always called me Lambchop?
(She slaps him. CUT TO the waiting room to reveal Carl pacing nervously. He spies Dr. Nathan coming towards him with another woman, Darcy Day.)
CARL
Is Mr. Green Jeans going to be all right?
DR. NATHAN
He has a concussion. I think he’s more embarrassed than anything.
DARCY
Mr. Maggi, this is the third time in the past two months that Mr. Green Jeans has taken a tumble down the stairs. Do you want to tell me what’s really going on?
CARL
Who are you?
NATHAN
This is Darcy Day from the Humane Society.
CARL
He’s a clumsy little fellow, that’s all.
DARCY
Mr. Green Jeans told me about your drinking problem.
CARL
He what?
DARCY
Mr. Maggi are you getting drunk and beating that monkey?
CARL
Chimpanzee.
DARCY
Whatever.
CARL
You’re going to believe what a chimp told you? A frickin’ primate? That stupid son of a…
DARCY
I’m placing Mr. Green Jeans in a safe house until we settle this issue.
CARL
What? You can’t do that! He’s my chimp! You have no right…
(Dr. Nathan grabs Carl and slams him against the wall.)
DR. NATHAN
We have every right to look out for the welfare of that monkey.
CARL
Chimpanzee.
DR. NATHAN
People like you make me sick!
(Dr. Marty sees what’s going on.)
DR. MARTY
Dr. Nathan! My office! Now!
(Dr. Marty and Dr. Nathan go into an examining room and Dr. Marty snaps the curtain closed.)
DR. MARTY
You’re a loose cannon.
DR. NATHAN
He was spanking his monkey!
CARL (From outside the curtain)
It’s a chimpanzee!
DR. MARTY
That’s enough! It’s clear to me you can’t keep your emotions in check.
DR. NATHAN
At least I have emotions.
DR. MARTY
I don’t love you, Nathan, I’m sorry but that’s just the way it is.
DR. NATHAN
You may believe those lies you tell yourself, but I know they’re nothing more than Level 2 horse waste.
DR. MARTY
I’m transferring you. Effective immediately!
DR. NATHAN
What? You can’t do this!
(An alarm goes off. Dr. Tony comes rushing in.)
DR. TONY
Code blue! Code blue!
DR. MARTY
What’s going on?
DR. TONY
Dispatch just called. A cattle truck rolled over on its way to the State Fair. Collided with a bus full of 4-H girls. We’re getting some of the worst case cows. The first chopper should be here any second. Would you believe, some son of a bitch state trooper wanted to know if he could have the steaks from the ones that don’t make it.
DR. NATHAN
Not on my shift!
(To Dr. Marty)
That is, if it’s still my shift, Dr. Marty.
(Dr. Nathan and Dr.
Marty stare intensely at each other.)
VOICE OVER
Don’t miss the one episode of “St. Luke’s Veterinary Hospital for the Really, Badly Hurt” that TV Guide says “This is the one episode of “St. Luke’s Veterinary Hospital for the Really, Badly Hurt” not to miss”.