Some really fantastic sketches this week…and now here’s mine to muck it all up. I know very little about old time radio and absolutely nothing about the serials. So, I did something a bit different. One thought I had while writing this was, what might it look like if we were to transplant today’s pop culture into the 1940s…<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATE 1940s – EVENING<\/p>\n
A 1940s NUCLEAR FAMILY sits around an elegant ZENITH CONSOLE RADIO only half-interested in the CHATTER coming out of it. MOTHER knits, FATHER reads the paper, SIS plays with her doll, and JUNIOR reads a comic book.<\/p>\n
RADIO ANNOUNCER (O.S.)<\/p>\n
Join us tomorrow for the next installment of The Guiding Light. Now, stay tuned for the Bing Crosby Show presented by Chesterfield cigarettes.<\/p>\n
RADIO CHATTER continues as the family sits quietly and continues their activities.<\/p>\n
Suddenly, SIRENS BLARE over the radio. All jump up out of their seats and look around.<\/p>\n
MOTHER<\/p>\n
What’s that?!<\/p>\n
FATHER<\/p>\n
Air raid?<\/p>\n
RADIO AUDIENCE (O.S.)<\/p>\n
(chanting)<\/p>\n
Cros-by! Cros-by! Cros-by!<\/p>\n
All sit down baffled. Audience continues to chant over the radio.<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
INT. RADIO STUDIO<\/p>\n
Standing on stage in front of an eight-piece BAND, an ANNOUNCER, SINGERS, and ACTORS congregate around several standing microphones holding their scripts and smoking cigarettes. A SOUND MAN huddles in the corner turning the crank on a SIREN. The band plays. A FEMALE TRIO begins singing “Anything Goes” while the Announcer talks over them.<\/p>\n
TRIO<\/p>\n
In olden days a glimpse of stocking\/Was looked on as something shocking...<\/p>\n
ANNOUNCER<\/p>\n
Welcome to the Bing Crosby Show presented by Chesterfield cigarettes...<\/p>\n
TRIO (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Anything goes\/When grandmamma whose age is eighty\/In night clubs is getting matey with gigolos...<\/p>\n
ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Milder. Better tasting. Everything you want in a cigarette, you’ll find in a Chesterfield.<\/p>\n
TRIO (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
Anything goes.<\/p>\n
ANNOUNCER<\/p>\n
Now here’s your host. The King of Crooners, the Sultan of Schlock... Bing Cros-by!<\/p>\n
AUDIENCE (O.S.)<\/p>\n
Cros-by! Cros-by! Cros-by!<\/p>\n
Audience continues to chant as BING CROSBY prances out on stage and walks to his microphone. MUSIC ends. Audience APPLAUDS.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Yes, anything goes indeed. Well, hello, hello, hello. Great to be here. Great to see all of you wonderful people here in the studio and out there in radio-land. Anyway, folks we have a dilly of a show today. Just a killer-diller. Our topic today... My Daddy’s a Dame...<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
Living room. Dramatic ORGAN MUSIC plays. Mother and Father look at each other in shock. Sis tugs at Mother’s dress.<\/p>\n
SIS<\/p>\n
Ma, what does getting matey with gigolos mean?<\/p>\n
Mother and Father look at each other in distress.<\/p>\n
MOTHER<\/p>\n
Time for bed.<\/p>\n
SIS<\/p>\n
But ...<\/p>\n
FATHER<\/p>\n
You heard Mother.<\/p>\n
Mother and Father watch as Sis and Junior reluctantly trudge upstairs. Doors SLAM.<\/p>\n
Mother and Father look at each other, smile, and then scramble to get to their chairs. They sit down and turn the radio up.<\/p>\n
BING (O.S.)<\/p>\n
We got a guy here today who’s a little confused. Not that we all aren’t a little confused from time to time. This guy, though...he doesn’t know whether he’s a fella or a lady. Please give a warm round of applause for Edgar.<\/p>\n
Audience APPLAUDS.<\/p>\n
BING (O.S.)<\/p>\n
Welcome, Edgar.<\/p>\n
EDGAR (O.S.)<\/p>\n
(gentle, effeminate voice)<\/p>\n
Pleasure to be here.<\/p>\n
BING (O.S.)<\/p>\n
So, Edgar, why do you like to dress like the gals?<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
Studio. Standing in front of his microphone smoking a cigarette, a large, overly manly ACTOR plays Edgar.<\/p>\n
ACTOR\/EDGAR<\/p>\n
(gentle, effeminate voice)<\/p>\n
I don’t know. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been drawn to charmeuse and French lace. And Chesterfields, of course. A favorite of women everywhere.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Nothin’ like those Chesterfields. Smooth and the right combination of the world’s best tobaccos.<\/p>\n
ACTOR<\/p>\n
The problem is, I haven’t been able get up the gumption to tell my family.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Would you like to tell them?<\/p>\n
ACTOR<\/p>\n
Maybe.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Well, this is your lucky day, cousin. Please welcome to the show Edgar’s wife, Mary, and daughter, little Suzy.<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
Living room. MUSIC plays. Mother’s and Father’s jaws drop as they stare at the radio intensely.<\/p>\n
MARY (O.S.)<\/p>\n
You, you...you big...meanie!<\/p>\n
ACTOR\/EDGAR (O.S.)<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell you but...<\/p>\n
MARY (O.S.)<\/p>\n
Now I understand why my... (whispers) unmentionables... (normal voice) are stretched out beyond recognition. And why all of my Chesterfield cigarettes keep disappearing.<\/p>\n
SUZY (O.S.)<\/p>\n
Daddy?<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
Studio. Exhaling a puff of smoke, the same burly Actor plays Suzy.<\/p>\n
ACTOR\/SUZY<\/p>\n
(high-pitched voice)<\/p>\n
Why do you dress like Mommy?<\/p>\n
ACTOR\/EDGAR<\/p>\n
Uh....<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Edgar, now your friends...your friends must be mortified by this. Absolutely mortified.<\/p>\n
ACTOR\/EDGAR<\/p>\n
Fortunately, none of them know.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Well, that’s about to change.<\/p>\n
ACTOR\/EDGAR<\/p>\n
What do you mean?<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
Living room. Mother and Father stare at the radio with anticipation.<\/p>\n
MOTHER<\/p>\n
What does he mean?<\/p>\n
BING (O.S.)<\/p>\n
Everyone say hello to Edgar’s best friend, Joe.<\/p>\n
MOTHER & FATHER<\/p>\n
(to each other)<\/p>\n
No.<\/p>\n
JOE (O.S.)<\/p>\n
You no good... lame brain... pantywaist! (beat) You smoke Chesterfields!<\/p>\n
SFX of Joe jumping over chairs and tables, charging toward Edgar. LOUD CRASH as if Joe tackled Edgar into the table.<\/p>\n
Mother and Father jump out of their seats.<\/p>\n
CUT TO:<\/p>\n
Studio. Sound Man drops pots and pans onto wood and throws other items around. Actor\/Edgar and ACTOR #2\/JOE stand calmly in front of their microphones smoking their cigarettes.<\/p>\n
ACTOR\/EDGAR<\/p>\n
Wait, Joe! I can explain!<\/p>\n
ACTOR #2\/JOE<\/p>\n
Applesauce!<\/p>\n
Getting carried away, the Sound Man picks up a studio chair and crashes it over the table. He continues to break various items around him while Actor\/Edgar and Actor #2\/Joe yell at each other indiscriminately.<\/p>\n
ANNOUNCER<\/p>\n
Well, Bing, it looks like Edgar and Joe have some things to sort out.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
They certainly do. And while they may not agree on everything, they certainly will agree that Chesterfields are the best tasting cigarettes out there...<\/p>\n
MUSIC plays. Female trio chimes in as Bing begins to sing an adapted version of “Anything Goes.” CRASHING and YELLING continue off screen.<\/p>\n
BING & TRIO<\/p>\n
Mother, fathers will all attest\/If you’re looking for a cigarette that smokes the best for a steal....<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
Bu-buh, buh, buh, bo...<\/p>\n
From behind, Sound Man crashes a chair over Bing’s head. Bing falls to the ground. All stop. Bing looks up.<\/p>\n
BING<\/p>\n
(painfully)<\/p>\n
Keep going. The sponsors....<\/p>\n
Bing passes out. MUSIC resumes.<\/p>\n
TRIO<\/p>\n
(happily)<\/p>\n
Buy Chesterfields.<\/p>\n
BLACKOUT:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Some really fantastic sketches this week…and now here’s mine to muck it all up. I know very little about old time radio and absolutely nothing about the serials. So, I did something a bit different. One thought I had while writing this was, what might it look like if we were to transplant today’s pop […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[31,109,159],"class_list":["post-1130","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-bing-crosby","tag-jerry-springer","tag-radio-serial"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1130","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1130"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1130\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1130"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1130"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1130"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}