The last two weeks were “write 65% of the sketch, then get gobsmacked with something urgent, wake-up Saturday and think ‘aw crap, I didn’t finish the sketch'””.<\/p>\n
Ahhhhh…back in the ring….<\/p>\n
This scene is completely a radio play – no visible actors, done either in the dark or just as an audio recording.<\/p>\n
CAST:
\nANNOUNCER – male, 50\u2019s
\nSINGERS – all female voices
\nCOLONEL MATT MERCURY\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 – male, late 30\u2019s to early 40\u2019s
\nBUCK TUCKER – male, early 20\u2019s
\nPAGE – male, late teens
\nBESS – late 20\u2019s
\nPRODUCER – male, mid \\ late 40\u2019s
\nMUSICIAN – male, 50\u2019s
\n<\/p>\n
ANNOUNCER<\/p>\n
Beyond the moon and around the edge of the Milky Way, it\u2019s the amazing adventures of...<\/p>\n
(dramatic music cue)<\/p>\n
Colonel Matt Mercury – Defender of Earth!<\/p>\n
Theme music plays<\/p>\n
ANNOUNCER<\/p>\n
Brought to you by Woodborough cigarettes. Finely aged Carolina tobacco toasted to perfection, for that rich smooth flavor men of action crave.<\/p>\n
SINGERS<\/p>\n
(singing jingle)<\/p>\n
That smoky toasty smooth taste that\u2019s out of this world...Woooooooooood-borough!!!<\/p>\n
ANNOUNCER<\/p>\n
When last we left off, Colonel Mercury and his faithful lieutenant Buck Tucker had just entered the forboding gas caves of Planet X-Nine, searching for missing crew of their ship, the Galactic Penetrator.<\/p>\n
Theremin music plays. Water drips, gas jets and footsteps echo off cave walls.<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
Keep your particle blaster ready Buck. I\u2019ve got a bad feeling about this.<\/p>\n
BUCK<\/p>\n
Gosh Colonel, I don\u2019t know how you stay so sharp.\u00a0 I\u2019m still fuzzy from that knockout ray they hit us with.<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
It\u2019s only due to my superior mental training regimen that I was able to stay conscious long enough to safely land the Penetrator.<\/p>\n
BUCK<\/p>\n
Who do you think took the crew while we were still unconscious?<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
Wish I knew Buck, wish I knew. We\u2019re just lucky the ship\u2019s cockpit locks down in an emergency, or you and I would be prisoners too. In fact, even now we\u2019re being watched for signs of weakness.<\/p>\n
BUCK<\/p>\n
Leapin lightbeams, Colonel!\u00a0 How can you tell?<\/p>\n
A commotion rises in the background, muffled by the studio doors.<\/p>\n
PAGE<\/p>\n
They\u2019re live on the air ma\u2019am, I can\u2019t let you go in the studio!!<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
(slight drunken slurring)<\/p>\n
Get the fuck out of the way you groveling rodent!<\/p>\n
PAGE<\/p>\n
But ma\u2019am...<\/p>\n
A face is smacked, hard, outside the doors, followed by several other hits and sounds of pain.<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
Um, instinct Buck, battle honed instinct that tells me danger is lurking close by.<\/p>\n
The sound of locked studio doors being shaken hard, then pounding.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
(shouting through closed doors)<\/p>\n
Dan...Dan Stewart.\u00a0 I know you\u2019re in there!!!\u00a0 If you don\u2019t open these goddamn doors I will break them down!<\/p>\n
BUCK<\/p>\n
What do we do Dan...I mean, what do we do Colonel?<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not a sign of weakness to run and hide Buck.\u00a0 Quick, behind those speakers over there.<\/p>\n
Static crackles, feedback.\u00a0 Doors still being rattled<\/p>\n
PRODUCER<\/p>\n
(in a thin voice over a cheap speaker in the recording studio)<\/p>\n
No!\u00a0 Ummm...this is Steve the, umm, ship\u2019s producer...the sponsors want us to stay where you are and keep broadcasting so everyone at Galaxy Command gets paid this week.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
(from outside)<\/p>\n
I\u2019m getting the fire axe Dan!<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
Roger, Producer Steve.\u00a0 Maybe Galaxy Command could run and get building security up to the studio...planet.<\/p>\n
The sounds of an axe hitting the door<\/p>\n
PRODUCER<\/p>\n
(over speaker)<\/p>\n
Right-o Matt. I\u2019m on it.<\/p>\n
Sprinting feet are heard over the speaker. The studio doors splinter after another axe hit<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
(not muffled anymore, but distant)<\/p>\n
Thought you were safe behind locked doors, didn\u2019t you, you two-timing bastard?<\/p>\n
The axe drops to the floor and high-heeled footsteps quickly get closer.<\/p>\n
BUCK<\/p>\n
Holy Hydrogen Colonel!\u00a0 It\u2019s Bess...the wealthy but evil blonde heiress from the Lucky 7 Bar and gri...bar and planet.<\/p>\n
Creepy theremin music plays.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
Was that creepy music for me?\u00a0 Are you saying I\u2019m scary??? IS THAT WHAT YOU\u2019RE SAYING??? HUH??<\/p>\n
MUSICIAN<\/p>\n
Look, lady, it\u2019s just a reaction, I do it on the show it\u2019s what I get paid for...I...no, not my instruments!!!<\/p>\n
Heels click across the studio floor, left to right, then smashing and crashing mixed with what sounds like someone jumping on an electronic bagpipe made from living cats.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
(from some distance away)<\/p>\n
Your turn Dan.<\/p>\n
BUCK<\/p>\n
(panicking)<\/p>\n
Aw galaxy crap, Colonel, she\u2019s coming back.\u00a0 Use your particle disintegrator!!!<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
Jesus Ray, it\u2019s a sound effect.\u00a0 There\u2019s not even a fake gun!<\/p>\n
The high-heeled footsteps stop right at the mic.<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
Greetings, Queen Bess from Planet Lucky 7. We come in peace.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
Can the space-colonel bit Dan. It may have gotten me into bed, but now it\u2019s just pissing me off.<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
Dan?\u00a0 Who is this Dan you speak of?<\/p>\n
The sound of newspaper rustling.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
THIS Dan – the one on the front page of the entertainment section.\u00a0 The Dan who told me he was too sick to take me to the El Dorado last night, but who looks healthy enough in this photo, taken in front of Club Steubing, wearing a tuxedo, with a redhead on each arm.<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
That must be my evil twin, Dan, of Zoid...the overlord of sector twenty four.\u00a0 We were separated at birth by a freak accident...<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
Evil twin? Oh, I\u2019ll show you a freak accident!<\/p>\n
BUCK<\/p>\n
Colonel!\u00a0 Close your thighs!<\/p>\n
A sound like two wooden blocks being smacked together.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
oooww! My knee!<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
Colonel Matt Mercury is also sponsored by Sure Guard cups and athletic supporters.\u00a0 Sure Guard, so comfy you\u2019ll forget you\u2019re wearing one.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
(sobbing, but angry)<\/p>\n
That does it Dan, we\u2019re through! I can\u2019t take the philandering and lies anymore! I deserve better than you!!!\u00a0 I want everything I ever gave you back – all of it, the tuxedo, the gold watch, the Deusenberg convertible, EVERYTHING, or I\u2019m going to the papers and telling all those things you like to do in the bedroom.<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
You wouldn\u2019t...<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
Just try me, Mister \u201cFeels-like-it\u2019s-in-there, Now-inflate-it\u201d!<\/p>\n
A long silent pause.<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
(talking low and seductively)<\/p>\n
Queen Bess, there\u2019s no need for hostility between our peoples.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
Like hell there isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
(still pouring on the charm)<\/p>\n
I think we can come to some sort of...understanding.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
HA!<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
(voice like melting honey)<\/p>\n
This Dan you mentioned probably had a good reason for doing what he did. Maybe he was trying to get some publicity, get a new sponsor for the show like Johnson\u2019s Fine Mink Coats, or box-seat tickets to the opera...just for two. And maybe he lied about it to keep it a surprise for a special someone\u2019s birthday coming up tomorrow.\u00a0 That\u2019s the kind of thing I, Colonel Matt Mercury, would do.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
But those girls...<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
Might have been cousins, exceptionally attractive previously unmentioned cousins, who could attract photographers and generate the kind of buzz that gets people film roles, and free minks, maybe even minks from that new sponsor he mentioned.\u00a0 Whaddya say Queen Bess?\u00a0 Why don\u2019t we start a whole new era of...close...relations between our two...worlds.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know Dan.\u00a0 You\u2019ve done this to me so many times...<\/p>\n
COLONEL MERCURY<\/p>\n
C\u2019mon Queen Bess. Let\u2019s let bygones be bygones and let take you round the moon, the way only Colonel Matt Mercury can...<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
Oh Dan...<\/p>\n
Loud kissing and moaning.\u00a0 Five or six sets of footsteps run in closer<\/p>\n
PRODUCER<\/p>\n
I got security, they\u2019re...damn, he works fast.<\/p>\n
BUCK<\/p>\n
I know. I thought we were dead, but look.<\/p>\n
PRODUCER<\/p>\n
Is he going to...right here?<\/p>\n
BUCK<\/p>\n
He\u2019s good with buttons, gotta give him that<\/p>\n
PRODUCER<\/p>\n
Have you ever seen...<\/p>\n
BUCK<\/p>\n
...not that big, no!<\/p>\n
The kissing and moaning stops<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
Are you two getting a good view?<\/p>\n
PRODUCER<\/p>\n
We couldn\u2019t help it.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
You want a peep show?\u00a0 He\u2019s something to peep at!!!<\/p>\n
Bess starts beating up everyone but Colonel Mercury.\u00a0 Sounds of punching, smacking and groans fill the room.<\/p>\n
ANNOUNCER<\/p>\n
Tune in next week when Colonel Matt Mercury and his valiant crew...she really should have buttoned her blouse.<\/p>\n
BESS<\/p>\n
I heard that!!! That announcer\u2019s booth won\u2019t protect you, pervert!!!<\/p>\n
ANNOUNCER<\/p>\n
Oh shit!\u00a0 Uh, just tune in next week.\u00a0 Galaxy command out!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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