You know what’s a good, underrated flick from the ’80s? Back to School. Rodney Dangerfield, Robert Downey, Jr., Sally Kellerman and Adrienne Barbeau back when they were particularly milf-y, and a brilliant turn from Sam Kinison. It’s one of those movies that’s far better structured than it has a right to be and pretty damn funny.<\/p>\n
Oh, and Kurt Vonnegut has a cameo as Kurt Vonnegut. I won’t spoil the bit if you haven’t seen it.<\/p>\n
Anyway, this is my homage to that movie.<\/p>\n
INT. DORM ROOM – DAY<\/p>\n
JEFF BRIDGES, 18, lanky, and looking overwhelmed, is making his bed in a two-person room. Two suitcases sit on the floor mostly empty. RODNEY GOLDMAN, 50s, wearing a goldfish costume and chewing on an unlit stogie, bursts into the room. Rodney is a cross between Rodney Dangerfield and Eddie Murphy’s Gumby.<\/p>\n
RODNEY<\/p>\n
Let’s get this party started!<\/p>\n
Jeff spins too quickly and loses his balance. He falls back, bounces off the bed, and lands on the floor.<\/p>\n
JEFF<\/p>\n
Who are--what are you?<\/p>\n
Rodney holds out one of his orange flippers to Jeff. Jeff grabs it and pulls himself up to the bed. They shake hand to flipper.<\/p>\n
RODNEY<\/p>\n
Rodney Goldf--man. Goldman. I’m your new roomie!<\/p>\n
JEFF<\/p>\n
Uh, but you’re--<\/p>\n
RODNEY<\/p>\n
--old? You can say it kid. It ain’t news to me.<\/p>\n
JEFF<\/p>\n
I was going to say you’re a fish!<\/p>\n
Synthesizer theme music starts. Various still images of Rodney, Jeff, and other STUDENTS appear on the screen.<\/p>\n
MALE SINGER<\/p>\n
(singing)<\/p>\n
Jeff thought living at home was a drag \/ ‘Cause dad was a bully and mom was a nag \/ So he went away to school to escape their control \/ And then he met a guy who was from a fishbowl.<\/p>\n
CHORUS<\/p>\n
(singing)<\/p>\n
That’s Rodney!<\/p>\n
The camera freezes on a bulletin board. All the pictures from earlier pinned it.<\/p>\n
Title: “That’s Rodney!”<\/p>\n
INT. DORM COMMON ROOM – DAY<\/p>\n
Jeff, Rodney, and LISA DONOVAN, 18 and unconventionally pretty in a tight t-shirt and unbuttoned cardigan, sit on beat up upholstered chairs eating pizza. Rodney keeps checking out Lisa’s chest none too subtly.<\/p>\n
LISA<\/p>\n
So where are you guys from?<\/p>\n
JEFF<\/p>\n
Columbus. Always figured I’d go to OSU but I couldn’t turn down McClain when they offered me a scholarship.<\/p>\n
LISA<\/p>\n
Are you super smart or something?<\/p>\n
JEFF<\/p>\n
I play the bassoon and I guess they really needed one.<\/p>\n
RODNEY<\/p>\n
I knew a bass once. He was an a-hole.<\/p>\n
JEFF<\/p>\n
I said bassoon.<\/p>\n
RODNEY<\/p>\n
Sorry kid. I wasn’t really listening.<\/p>\n
Rodney motions with his head to Lisa’s chest. Jeff rolls his eyes. Lisa notices and pulls her sweater closed.<\/p>\n
LISA<\/p>\n
What about you, Rodney?<\/p>\n
RODNEY<\/p>\n
I’m from a little place near the coast. But enough about me. Tell us about you. You said you were from out chest--I mean breast--west. West. Where out west?<\/p>\n
Lisa pulls her sweater tighter.<\/p>\n
INT. ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA BASEMENT – NIGHT<\/p>\n
Jeff and Rodney stand stripped to their underwear with another SIX PLEDGES. TWO ROBED BROTHERS stand in front of the group.<\/p>\n
BROTHER #1<\/p>\n
You six have outlasted and outwitted the pretenders and only one obstacle stands between you and the A Ess Ess brotherhood. I give you...<\/p>\n
Brother #2 pulls a sheet off a large FISH TANK. He picks up a net and retrieves a wiggling goldfish.<\/p>\n
BROTHER #1 (CONT’D)<\/p>\n
...dinner!<\/p>\n
Brother #2 pops the fish in his mouth and swallows it whole.<\/p>\n
RODNEY<\/p>\n
Noooooo!!! You monster!<\/p>\n
EXT. ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA FRONT YARD – NIGHT<\/p>\n
Rodney and Jeff stumble toward the street carrying their clothes and shoes.<\/p>\n
JEFF<\/p>\n
Damn it, Rodney! I really liked those guys.<\/p>\n
RODNEY<\/p>\n
Sorry kid.<\/p>\n
JEFF<\/p>\n
It’s really hard living with you sometimes.<\/p>\n
RODNEY<\/p>\n
I know. I bet you wish you had a roommate your own age.<\/p>\n
JEFF<\/p>\n
No, because you’re a fish!<\/p>\n
BLACKOUT:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
You know what’s a good, underrated flick from the ’80s? Back to School. Rodney Dangerfield, Robert Downey, Jr., Sally Kellerman and Adrienne Barbeau back when they were particularly milf-y, and a brilliant turn from Sam Kinison. It’s one of those movies that’s far better structured than it has a right to be and pretty damn […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[69],"class_list":["post-1369","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-fish-out-of-water"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1369","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1369"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1369\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1369"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1369"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1369"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}