{"id":160,"date":"2008-12-05T18:32:00","date_gmt":"2008-12-06T02:32:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wwwold.sketchwar.org\/?p=160"},"modified":"2008-12-05T18:32:00","modified_gmt":"2008-12-06T02:32:00","slug":"fsw-learning-something-new-about-history-edition-peters-entry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/?p=160","title":{"rendered":"FSW: Learning Something New About History Edition (Peter’s Entry)"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

\nFriday Sketch War
\nLearning Something New About History Edition
\n“Learning Something New About History”<\/b><\/p>\n

FADE IN:<\/p>\n

TITLE GRAPHIC reads “Learning Something New About History”.<\/p>\n

BAROQUE MUSIC plays.<\/p>\n

A CLASSY NARRATOR with an aged, respectable British voice starts the show.<\/p>\n

CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n

This week on “Learning Something New About History” —<\/p>\n

TITLE GRAPHIC reads “Hannibal and the Battle of the Tremia”.<\/p>\n

CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n

— Hannibal and the Battle of the Tremia. And now as always, Mr. Joey Weitzman.<\/p>\n

MUSIC FADES OUT.<\/p>\n

JOEY talks with fierce enthusiasm about his subject. His near-constant profanities are all clumsily bleeped out. He speaks over stock photos.<\/p>\n

First: a bust of Hannibal.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

Hannibal. I mean, shit. Just look at him. Hell yeah.<\/p>\n

Screencap of Chuck Norris.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

Fuck. Guys are like, “Chuck Norris is a badass mrmee mrmee woo” —<\/p>\n

Screencap of professional wrestling.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

— or “check out real ultimate fighting lalee bunny froo froo” —<\/p>\n

Busts of Scipio and Sempronius.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

— and I’m like, “You little pussies are like Scipio and Sempronius.”<\/p>\n

Battle diagram of the Trebia, showing the location of Roman forces, marked “Bitches”.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

The two Roman guys were, like, flouncing a tea party by the Trebia —<\/p>\n

Bust of Scipio.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

— and Scipio was all —<\/p>\n

(fey falsetto)<\/p>\n

“Oh, there’s no way that ass-slaughtering general can find us here!”<\/p>\n

Bust of Sempronius.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

— and then Sempronius was like —<\/p>\n

Battle diagram, now with an arrow added — Roman forces approaching the river. The arrow is labelled “weak-ass shit attack”, with black bars over the profanities.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

(equally-fey falsetto)<\/p>\n

“I’ll just put down my doily and launch a little attack.”<\/p>\n

The battle diagram now shows another group of forces, labelled “FUCKIN’ HANNIBAL FUCK YEAH”, again with black bars.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

And then Hannibal was like — “RAAAWR! Ambush, motherfuckers!”<\/p>\n

Several arrows from Hannibal’s forces to the Roman forces appear. Joey punctuates each appearance with:<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

Unh! Unh! Unh! And like, killed them with pointy sticks —<\/p>\n

A label appears by the Roman forces: “Blood and guts and killing and shit.” Again, a black bar.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

— and then killed them harder with motherfucking elephants!<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

I mean, fuck, man!<\/p>\n

Shots of various ordnance.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

Yeah, you got your AK, your fuckin’ F-16s, your tanks and shit, fuck that.<\/p>\n

Shot of Babar.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

Somebody throws a motherfuckin’ elephant at your ass, you know you are fucked.<\/p>\n

Shot of an elephant.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

They’re all BOOM BOOM BOOM stomping and trumpeting —<\/p>\n

Shot of the olliphaunts from Lord of the Rings.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

— and all Lord of the Rings and shit. ‘cos that’s how Hannibal rolls.<\/p>\n

Map of the Roman empire. An arrow goes from the battle of the Trebia to Lake Trasimene.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

And the last guys left ran like fuckin’ babies to Lake Trasimene, and Hannibal killed the shit out of them there.<\/p>\n

Shot of Rome.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

And Hannibal could have taken over fucking Rome. But he didn’t even bother. ‘cos he’s fucking awesome.<\/p>\n

Screencap of Colonel Hannibal Smith from The A-Team.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

Okay, the big question: is Hannibal cooler than Hannibal from The A-Team?<\/p>\n

Two shots, side-by-side: the A-Team screencap, the Hannibal bust.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

What the shit, people? Compared to the hero of the motherfucking Carthaginians, A-Team Hannibal was just a pussy with a van. Fuck you, A-Team Hannibal!<\/p>\n

Screencap of Faceman.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

And fuck you, Faceman!<\/p>\n

Screencap of B. A.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

Fu — okay, you’re cool.<\/p>\n

Screencap of Murdock.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

But fuck you — other guy.<\/p>\n

Screencap of 300:<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

The other question: what if it was Hannibal versus the badasses from 300?<\/p>\n

Two shots, side-by-side: the 300 screencap, the Hannibal bust.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

But that’s a trick question, ‘cos Hannibal would be, like, “You rule!” and shit, and the Spartans would be all, “You! Are! Awesome!”<\/p>\n

A crude Photoshop inserts the bust of Hannibal into the shot.<\/p>\n

JOEY (V.O.)<\/p>\n

And then they’d join forces, and that shit would rule.<\/p>\n

Back to the opening title card: “Learning Something New About History”.<\/p>\n

The same BAROQUE MUSIC plays.<\/p>\n

CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n

This has been “Learning Something New About History” — stay tuned for next week, when we present: “Jean-Paul Sartre and the Existentialists”.<\/p>\n

FADE OUT.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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