(A spelling bee. A banner stretches over the stage reading \u201cThe Rolaids Regional Spelling Bee.\u201d Below it, several kids with numbers on their chests sit in folding chairs. One kid, SUSIE, stands at the microphone, her face clenched in concentration. An AUDITOR sits at a nearby table, waiting to hear her speak.)<\/i><\/p>\n
SUSIE
May I have the company of origin?<\/p>\n
AUDITOR
It comes from The Olive Garden.<\/p>\n
(pause)<\/i><\/p>\n
SUSIE
May I hear it in a sentence?<\/p>\n
AUDITOR
\u201cThe free breadsticks with my entr\u00e9e were just one example of the Hospitaliano<\/i> I have come to expect from The Olive Garden.\u201d<\/p>\n
SUSIE
Hospitaliano. H-O-S-P-I-T-A-L-I-A-N-O. Hospitaliano.<\/p>\n
(PING! A bell rings, signifying that this is the correct answer. A smattering of applause. SUSIE sits down. TIMMY approaches the microphone.)<\/i><\/p>\n
AUDITOR
Your word is, \u201cSlickery.\u201d<\/p>\n
TIMMY
May I hear it in a sentence?<\/p>\n
AUDITOR
\u201cWith cold and flu season upon us, my family\u2019s comfort is more important than ever. That is why I rely on N\u2019ice brand throat lozenges to make my family\u2019s throats feel Slickery.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n
BILLY
Slickery. S-L-I-C-K-E-R-Y.<\/p>\n
(PING! A smattering of applause. TIMMY sits down. AMBER approaches the microphone.)<\/i><\/p>\n
AUDITOR
Your word is, \u201cNoid.\u201d<\/p>\n
AMBER
May I hear it in the form of a sentence?<\/p>\n
AUDITOR
\u201cThe Noid<\/i> has one nefarious desire: to make pizzas cold and unpalatable.\u201d<\/p>\n
(BILL PULLMAN enters and speaks directly to us.)<\/i><\/p>\n
BILL PULLMAN
Is this the kind of world you want to live in? Hello, I\u2019m Bill Pullman. And what you see behind me is part of a future that is all too possible. With plummeting funding for our nation\u2019s schools, and corporate interests taking over every aspect of our lives, our children may soon no skills outside of mindless consuming. And that will allow the Chinese to come over here and crack us open like a walnut.
(He smiles.)<\/i>
W-A-L-N-U-T. Walnut.<\/p>\n
(BILL PAXTON enters and speaks directly to us.)<\/i><\/p>\n
BILL PAXTON
A commercial telling you not to listen to commercials?
(Looks to BILL PULLMAN.)<\/i>
Nice logic, spaz.
(Back to us.)<\/i>
Do you want to live in a world of condescending, pedantic PSAs? Neither do I. I\u2019m Bill Paxton, and I\u2019m here on behalf of the Advertisers of America. Sure, you could stop paying attention to us. If you don\u2019t mind the collapse of brand loyalty. If you don\u2019t mind giving up your dreams of luxury and status. If you don\u2019t mind Americans losing their standing as the best damn consumers in the world.<\/p>\n
(BILL PULLMAN steps forth and claps BILL PAXTON on the shoulder.)<\/i><\/p>\n
BILL PULLMAN
Advertising is the Castrol motor oil that keeps the world turning. The Scharffen Berger chocolate bar we dangle in front of the donkey of industry.<\/p>\n
BILL PAXTON
If we maintain the strength of our desires, we needn\u2019t worry about the weakness of the economy.<\/p>\n
BILL PULLMAN
And together, we can crack the Chinese open like a delicious Emerald walnut.
(winks)<\/i>
E-M-E-R-A-L-D.<\/p>\n
(BLACKOUT. CAPTION: \u201cThree Minutes Earlier.\u201d)<\/i><\/p>\n
(Lights come back up. BILLS PULLMAN and PAXTON are gone. JOHNNY stands at the microphone on stage.)<\/i><\/p>\n
AUDITOR
Your word is, \u201cAdvertising.\u201d<\/p>\n
JOHNNY
May I have a definition?<\/p>\n
AUDITOR
Advertising: the action of bringing something to the attention of the public, usually through paid announcements.<\/p>\n
JOHNNY
May I hear it in the form of an unwieldy, self-reflexive piece of sketch comedy?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(A spelling bee. A banner stretches over the stage reading \u201cThe Rolaids Regional Spelling Bee.\u201d Below it, several kids with numbers on their chests sit in folding chairs. One kid, SUSIE, stands at the microphone, her face clenched in concentration. An AUDITOR sits at a nearby table, waiting to hear her speak.) SUSIEMay I have […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[12,54],"class_list":["post-209","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-sketches","tag-advertising","tag-dave-stinton"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/209","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=209"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/209\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=209"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=209"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sketchwar.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=209"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}