Hi all — here’s my take on the “game show” edition of Sketchwar….<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“Game-Show Crimefighters!”<\/p>\n
FADE IN:\u00a0<\/p>\n
STILL FRAME<\/p>\n
In the background, a warehouse EXPLODES!<\/p>\n
In the foreground, CHUCK WOOLERY rockets away from the scene with a jetpack!<\/p>\n
SUPER: “Game-Show Crimefighters”<\/p>\n
NARRATOR (V.O.)<\/p>\n
And now, back to Game-Show Crimefighters!<\/p>\n
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT<\/p>\n
The dead of night. A desolate urban canyon.<\/p>\n
ALEX TREBEK looks up at a big old building with a ton of windows. He wears all black, and has a rifle strapped across his back.<\/p>\n
PAT SAJAK enters, dressed similarly and carrying a black duffel.<\/p>\n
PAT SAJAK<\/p>\n
Mr. Trebek.<\/p>\n
ALEX TREBEK<\/p>\n
Mr. Sajak. What’s on the board?<\/p>\n
PAT SAJAK<\/p>\n
It’s a place. We have two minutes. Good luck.<\/p>\n
ALEX TREBEK<\/p>\n
Drew Carey didn’t tell me which room Mr. L was in.<\/p>\n
PAT SAJAK<\/p>\n
Hold on.<\/p>\n
Pat pulls a handheld video device from his pocket and speaks into it.<\/p>\n
PAT SAJAK<\/p>\n
Oh, Vanna?<\/p>\n
An image appears --<\/p>\n
ON THE VIDEO SCREEN<\/p>\n
VANNA WHITE sits at a computer in a room full of high-tech equipment, including a large video wall.<\/p>\n
VANNA WHITE<\/p>\n
Pat, I hacked into the building’s security feeds.<\/p>\n
As she speaks, she hits a few keys and a video feed of that same building shows up on the video wall.<\/p>\n
PAT SAJAK<\/p>\n
Tell me, are there any L’s?<\/p>\n
She flashes her million-watt smile and gestures at a third-floor window.<\/p>\n
With a ‘BING!’, a block-letter “L” appears in the window.<\/p>\n
BACK TO SCENE<\/p>\n
Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak look at the video screen.<\/p>\n
ALEX TREBEK<\/p>\n
Third floor.<\/p>\n
PAT SAJAK<\/p>\n
Rappelling equipment?<\/p>\n
ALEX TREBEK<\/p>\n
Actually, Pat, this building was constructed in the late 50s with basic brick-and-mortar construction. Windowsills of that era weren’t designed to hold significant weight, and --<\/p>\n
PAT SAJAK<\/p>\n
Zipwires, then?<\/p>\n
ALEX TREBEK<\/p>\n
You knows it.<\/p>\n
INT. TORTURE ROOM – NIGHT<\/p>\n
In the center of a big, empty room with big windows, two men face each other.<\/p>\n
REGIS PHILBIN sits strapped to a chair, with an array of menacing-looking lasers pointed at his head.<\/p>\n
Across from him, JAMES LIPTON sits in a swivel chair, a Persian cat in his lap.<\/p>\n
On one of the swivel-chair’s armrests sits James Lipton’s usual stack of blue index cards.<\/p>\n
On the other sits a control panel with several buttons and a hinged cover-plate.<\/p>\n
JAMES LIPTON<\/p>\n
Regis Aloysius Shaniqua Philbin. Host of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Noted crooner and memoirist. And first victim of the Laser-tron Engine of Doom.<\/p>\n
REGIS PHILBIN<\/p>\n
You’ll never get away with this, James Lipton!<\/p>\n
JAMES LIPTON<\/p>\n
Is that your final answer?<\/p>\n
REGIS PHILBIN<\/p>\n
You plagiarizing bastard!<\/p>\n
JAMES LIPTON<\/p>\n
Reeg. You spearheaded this blight of prime-time game shows that shouldered aside more high-minded discourse.<\/p>\n
(to the cat)<\/p>\n
Right, Brando?<\/p>\n
REGIS PHILBIN<\/p>\n
They give a chance for the little guy, the guy who isn’t already a big star, to get by on his smarts and be a hero!<\/p>\n
JAMES LIPTON<\/p>\n
Big talk, Mister Philbin, but this ends now! And when you reach heaven -- which should be in ten seconds --<\/p>\n
James Lipton opens the cover plate, revealing a big red button.<\/p>\n
He presses it.<\/p>\n
JAMES LIPTON<\/p>\n
-- tell them Jimmy sent you!<\/p>\n
Lasers gradually WHIRR to life.<\/p>\n
GLASS CRASHES!<\/p>\n
James Lipton jumps from his seat to see --<\/p>\n
ALEX TREBEK AND PAT SAJAK<\/p>\n
-- standing in front of a shattered window.<\/p>\n
PAT SAJAK<\/p>\n
Welcome to the lightning round.<\/p>\n
ALEX TREBEK<\/p>\n
Or as they say on my set --<\/p>\n
He aims the rifle at James Lipton, cocks it.<\/p>\n
ALEX TREBEK<\/p>\n
-- “Final Jeopardy.”<\/p>\n
James Lipton pulls a smoke grenade out of a coat pocket and throws it to the ground.<\/p>\n
Smoke fills the room.<\/p>\n
Everyone coughs.<\/p>\n
The lasers make more WARMING-UP noises.<\/p>\n
Regis Philbin tries to wrench himself free, but it’s no use.<\/p>\n
PAT SAJAK<\/p>\n
Tear gas!<\/p>\n
ALEX TREBEK<\/p>\n
No, Pat, lachrymatory agents cause a variety of symptoms, including temporary blindness, and pain from the corneal nerves. This is a more conventional smoke grenade, which use white phosphorous to create a straightforward “fog-of-war” effect.<\/p>\n
While this is going on, James Lipton snaps his fingers --<\/p>\n
JAMES LIPTON<\/p>\n
Third-year acting students!<\/p>\n
Out of nowhere, four ACTING STUDENTS appear, carrying a sedan chair.<\/p>\n
James Lipton boards the chair.<\/p>\n
JAMES LIPTON<\/p>\n
Visualize getting us the hell out of here!<\/p>\n
-- and off they go.<\/p>\n
Alex Trebek finds his way to James Lipton’s chair and presses one of the control-panel buttons.<\/p>\n
The laser noises cut off.<\/p>\n
Pat Sajak undoes Regis Philbin’s ropes.<\/p>\n
PAT SAJAK<\/p>\n
You okay there, Regis?<\/p>\n
REGIS PHILBIN<\/p>\n
Forget about me! Lipton’s getting away.<\/p>\n
ALEX TREBEK<\/p>\n
Don’t worry, Reeg. One day, we’ll give him some lovely parting gifts --<\/p>\n
Regis Philbin and Pat Sajak look confused.<\/p>\n
ALEX TREBEK<\/p>\n
-- of pain!<\/p>\n
All three laugh.<\/p>\n
FREEZE-FRAME on that, and --<\/p>\n
FADE TO BLACK.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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