Another exciting day of sketchy goodness. You really should be playing along.
In case you missed them…Dave’s having some office trouble. Richard’s got some competition issues. And I’ve got to lay off the 700 Club.
Seriously people, get in the game. I can feel you out there judging us. So let’s see what you got.
Or are you yella?
Full Disclosure: I’ve been dealing with some family issues and haven’t had much of a chance to write this week. I wrote this sketch for a class I took a while back. Though I have made some changes to it. I hope to have something brand, spanking new for next week’s skirmish.
Update: Richard’s arrived on the field and run the ol’ nickleback defense. Nicely done.
(A shopping mall. Melody and Ernie enter. )
MELODY: Just wait here, I want to see if they have any blue ones.
(Melody exits and Simon Peter enters and approaches Ernie.)
SIMON PETER: Buying a new cell phone?
ERNIE: My wife is just looking at covers for hers.
SIMON PETER: You can make the outside look as beautiful as you want, but if the inside isn’t beautiful what’s the point?
ERNIE: Excuse me?
SIMON PETER: Have you accepted the One True Plan as your only calling plan?
ERNIE: We’re pretty happy with our current plan.
SIMON PETER: Pretty happy? That doesn’t sound very convincing. Have you given much though to Eternal Minutes?
ERNIE: Eternal minutes?
SIMON PETER: Does your plan offer that?
ERNIE: No plan can give you eternal minutes.
SIMON PETER: The One True Plan can. Brother, just give me a few minutes of your time and I’ll show you the way to everlasting battery life.
ERNIE: Well…
SIMON PETER: Would you like to live in a world where you’re free from the burden of roaming fees?
ERNIE: Who wouldn’t.
SIMON PETER: Why should you be punished for making a call just because you’re outside of your calling area?
ERNIE: Right.
SIMON PETER: It feels good to make that call doesn’t it? We all want to do it, but we know that we’re going to pay for it later. The One True Plan says it’s all right to do it. It forgives us for our action even before we’ve done it.
ERNIE: Wow.
SIMON PETER: Wow, indeed, brother.
ERNIE: So what’s the catch?
SIMON PETER: There is no catch. The One True Plan isn’t trying to trick you. Look at the lilies of the field. Do they worry about whether their call is going to be cut off mid-sentence? No. And neither should you. All the Plan asks of you is that you pass on the good news to the world.
ERNIE: I have to work for them?
SIMON PETER: It isn’t work if you love it, Ernie. Besides, you’re going to be so happy with this plan you’ll want to share it with everyone. Tell them how good it feels to call knowing that the One True Plan is there for you. How once you were lost, but now are found.
ERNIE: This all sounds a little too good to be true.
SIMON PETER: Because it is too good to be true. We don’t deserve this plan, but it’s still here for us. Because the Plan knows we need it. This is the Alpha and Omega of calling plans. The first and last plan you’ll ever need.
ERNIE: Well…
(It becomes darker as if clouds are blocking out the sun.)
SIMON PETER: You’re a doubter. I used to be just like you. You’ve made some money, found a woman to settle down with and are looking forward to being a father.
ERNIE: How did you know we’re going to have a baby?
(We hear thunder and see a flash of lightning.)
SIMON PETER: But in a moment it could all change and you’ll be working at the Shoe Barn wondering why your wife left you and why your child looks like the fellow who delivers your Chinese food.
ERNIE: Ty Ping?
SIMON PETER: I know. I‘ve been there. But the One True Plan saved me. Ernie, it wants to save you too. Do you believe?
ERNIE: Yes.
SIMON PETER: Do you have faith in the One True Plan?
ERNIE: Yes!
SIMON PETER: Praise the Plan Brother Ernie!
ERNIE: Praise the Plan!
(Simon Peter pulls out a contract and a pen.)
SIMON PETER: All you have to do is sign right here and One True Plan will fill your heart with love.
ERNIE: Glory be!
(Melody returns. Ernie takes the pen.)
ERNIE :Oh honey, I’m so glad you’re here. (He hugs her) My eyes have been opened to the coming of the Plan.
MELODY: The what?
SIMON PETER: Sign Brother Ernie! Sign!
ERNIE: Sign!
(Melody takes the contract.)
MELODY: Sign what?
(She reads. Then hands the contract back to Simon Peter)
MELODY: We’re happy with our current plan.
ERNIE: But Honey, this is the Alpha and Omega of calling plans.
MELODY: They want us to sign a lifetime contract, Ernie. I can’t leave you alone for five minutes can I? Maybe we’re not ready for kids.
(She starts to walk away. Ernie and Simon Peter share a meaningful look.)
SIMON PETER: Brother Ernie.
ERNIE: Simon Peter.
MELODY: Let’s go!
(Ernie hurried off after her.)
SIMON PETER: Brother Ernie! Why have you forsaken me?!
(A mother pushes her daughter up to the bench in a wheelchair.)
MOTHER: You wait here and I’ll be right back.
(The Mother exits and Simon Peter approaches the little girl and puts his hands on her head.)
SIMON PETER: Arise and walk my child, you are possessed no more!
(The little girl pushes herself out of her chair and falls flat on her face. Simon Peter looks around to make sure no one saw him and disappears into the crowd.)
BLACKOUT
Is your sketch ready? You know you’ve been checking out Friday Sketch War the last couple of weeks thinking “I could do that. Hell, I could do better than that.” Well, put your pencil where your mouth is and fire off a sketch. Post a link and join the melee.
You can find more information here.
If you’d like to get in on the fun, simply write a sketch and post a link to it. If you’d like to check out some of the battles that have already transpired you can go here. If you’d like to see a funny video about a guy flipping off a phone you can go here.
Dave, like last week, is the first one to strike. Hilarious.
Update: Richard’s joined the fray.
Here is my answer to the question “How can we spur the market and turn this recession around?”
(Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security, is giving a press conference.)
MICHAEL: We have received word of some rumors of possible attempts at terrorism somewhere in or around the United States. So we are raising the Terror Threat Level to Orange.
(Members of the press call out to him. He points at one.)
GAIL: Gail Jones, CNN. Should the American people be afraid for their lives?
MICHAEL: We live in a nation that is under constant threat of violence from people who truly hate our guts, but the American people shouldn’t be worried.
(More shouting, Michael points to someone else.)
MATT: Matt Rod, NBC News, America’s News leader. Secretary Chertoff, if the people shouldn’t worry, then is there any real threat?
MICHAEL: Oh my God, yes. These are vicious, freedom hating people who want to see all of us die a horrible, painful death. You know, they’ve infiltrated our country and are living among us, waiting for the opportunity to kill us all in our sleep. I just thank God I’ve got the Secret Service protecting me.
(More shouting, Michael points to someone else.)
LEE: Lee Scott, CEO of Wal-Mart. Should people stockpile food and clothing during this heightened state of panic in America?
MICHAEL: Yes. We are recommending that all Americans stock up on bread, milk and the latest in fashion and electronic goods. We strongly urge them to purchase these items at a discount chain store with everyday low prices.
(The scene shifts to a resort beach. Two men are lounging in the sun.)
ZANJI: Ahmed, what are we doing at this resort? I thought as a terrorist I would be getting to create more terror than this.
AHMED: Relax Zanji. Chill out. There really is not much for us to be doing anymore.
ZANJI: But how can we call ourselves terrorists if we do not terrorize anyone?
AHMED: The world has changed, my friend, and we have to change with it. The infidels are so busy trying to scare their own people that we can take it easy for a while.
ZANJI: And you like it this way?
AHMED: Are you kidding me? I love it! Come on, let us go inside. We will order a couple of coconut mimosas, play some blackjack and pay an expensive call girl to run around in a burka.
(Brickabrac enters, very excited)
BRICKABRAC: Ahmed! Zanji!
AHMED: What is it Brickabrac?
ZANJI: Are we to blow up this infidel sin palace?
BRICKABRAC: No, I have a massage scheduled at 3 o’clock.
ZANJI: Then what?
BRICKABRAC: I just called our accountant and the stock portfolio has tripled!
AHMED: Praise Allah!
BRICKABRAC: You were right, Ahmed, Exxon/Mobile is having a fantastic year.
AHMED: (Sarcastic) Gee, I wonder why?
(They all begin laughing. The scene shifts back to the press conference.)
BETTY: Secretary Chertoff, what are we doing to protect our oil reserves?
MICHAEL: Instead of wasting man power on oil fields that are located in a hot, hostile environment, we are preparing a preemptive invasion of The Soviet Union to take theirs.
BETTY: Why would we do that?
MICHAEL: To protect the American way of life and bring democracy and Jesus to all heathen people. Besides, it’s something the boys at the Pentagon have been wanting to do for quite a while.
BETTY: But it’s not even called The Soviet Union anymore.
MICHAEL: Shh. Don’t let the boys in the Pentagon hear you say that.
GINNY: Secretary Chertoff, were there any specific targets named in the unspecified threats?
MICHAEL: We know that these hate-mongering people hate us, our freedom and our lifestyle. That is why we think that their next attack will strike the very heart of all we hold dear.
BRAD: Our children?
GAIL: Hollywood?
MICHAEL: McDonald’s.
(Everyone gasps.)
BRAD: Should people stop going there?
MICHAEL: No. That would be playing right into their hand. If our children can’t have saturated fat and cheap plastic toys served to them by an underpaid teenager in a paper hat then the terrorists have truly won. I implore all Americans to eat at McDonald’s morning, noon and night as a sign of defiance to these men of terror.
(The scene shifts back to Ahmed, Zanji and Brickabrac who are looking at a newspaper.)
BRICKABRAC: (Pointing at something in the paper) There! There it is!
AHMED: McDonald’s is up 35%!
ZANJI: Praise Allah!
(The scene shifts back to the press conference.)
GAIL: Have there been any threats to disrupt the elections in November?
MICHAEL: All elections have been postponed indefinitely. His Eminence, Premier Bush, feels that since he was President when all this began, he should remain in power until it is over.
GAIL: And when will all this be over?
MICHAEL: Until evil is obliderated from the face of the Earth or until the Bush bloodline ends. Which ever comes first.
(The scene shifts back to Ahmed, Zanji and Brickabrac. Brickabrac and Ahmed are on the phone talking to different people.)
BRICKABRAC: (On phone. Very menacing.) Yes, I would like to report a terrorist threat…Not just to this one Coca-Cola plant but to all Coca-Cola plants worldwide.
(He hangs up the phone.)
AHMED: (On phone.) That’s right, Jerry, I want you to buy as much Coca-Cola stock as you can. I have a good feeling about it.
(He hangs up)
ZANJI: (Sipping a cocktail) Ahmed, I am sorry that I doubted you.
AHMED: Zanji, my friend, if there is one thing I have learned from studying our enemys in Washington, it is that they hate their people way more than we do. Now, who wants to go to Disneyland?
(The men all cheer and high five each other.)
BLACKOUT
Richard’s got the final numbers on today’s sketch war. It might not have been WW III, but we gave ’em hell.
For those of you standing on the sidelines, shaking in your boots; tuck in your skirts and get in the fight.
For those of you who battled, bled and lived to tell the tale, I tip my hat to you and say “Nice work. You are worthy adversaries whom I look forward to disemboweling next week.”
I wrote a sketch and posted it. Richard did the same and challenged me to a Sketch War. This will, hopefully, be an ongoing exercise, which you are free to join us in. Simply write a sketch and post it on your blog every Friday. Be sure to let me or Richard know about it and we’ll post links to it. I haven’t seen one from Richard yet, but he’s in a different time zone, so I’m just assuming he’s still in bed. But Dave, the early bird, has already lobbed the first sketch grenade of the day and it’s pretty damn funny.
Update: Richard has launched an assault. (Not to be confused with an insult.)
But enough chit-chat! Once more unto the breech dear friends!
“A Dream Upon Waking”
(Mary #1 stands in the middle of the stage wearing a surgical gown. Dr. Peter enters with a chart.)
MARY #1: Give it to me straight, doc. I’m dying aren’t I?
PETER: No no no. But I am going to need you to tell me why your father loved your sister more than you.
MARY: Well, I suppose, I wasn’t enough of a tomboy for him.
PETER: Oh Mary, this isn’t good. It isn’t good at all.
(Jerry races in and shakes Mary.)
JERRY: Mary, wake up! You’re dreaming.
(Jerry races off.)
PETER: Now, Mary I’m just going to take off my pants and we’ll continue the examination.
(Peter begins unbuckling his pants. The lights shift to another part of the stage and Mary #2 is sitting at table having coffee with Denise.)
MARY #2: And then I woke up.
DENISE: A doctor, with no pants, talking about your father? Sounds like a perverted sex dream to me.
MARY #2: Everything is sex to you.
DENISE: That’s because I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body.
MARY #2: You’re a lesbian?
DENISE: No. I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body.
(Jerry races in and shakes Mary #2)
JERRY: Mary, wake up! Wake up!
(Jerry runs off. Denise removes her wig and begins to unbuckle her pants.)
DENISE: Now you tell me if you’ve ever seen a unit this big in the girl’s locker room before.
(The lights shift to another part of the stage and Mary #3 is talking to Chip in the office break room.)
MARY #3: And it was me, but it wasn’t me, you know?
CHIP: I hate dreams like that.
(Jerry races in.)
JERRY: Seriously Mary, Wake Up!
(Jerry races off. Dr. Peter enters without his pants.)
PETER: Ah, there you are. If you would kindly bend over that table we can continue with the examination.
(The lights shift to another part of the stage. Mary #1, Mary #2 and Mary #3 are standing next to each other.)
MARY #3: This can’t be good.
MARY #2: I wouldn’t think so.
MARY #1: You guys want to make out?
(The three Marys look at one another. They shrug their shoulders.)
MARY #2/MARY #3: Sure.
(The lights go out on stage and single spot comes up on Jerry sitting in the audience. He awakens with a start and looks around at everyone looking at him.)
JERRY: Damn it. You always wake up before the best part.
(Dr. Peter, still pantless, appears behind Jerry.)
PETER: All righty then. If you’ll just bend over we can continue the examination.
BLACKOUT
Seriously, Sketch War ’08 has begun. If you wanna be part of the surge then post a sketch this Friday. Then send a link to sketchwar (at) dreamloom (dot) com. Richard and I will post links and everyone can attack everyone else.
Okay, maybe not attack. But “offer encouragement and support” just doesn’t sound bad-ass enough.
Friend and fellow writer, Richard Porter, read my post yesterday and decided he had to one-up me with a very funny sketch about Mitt Romney and Al Gore. Not only that, but slapped me across the face with his fancy, leather gloves, threw them to the ground and challenged me to a duel. A sketch off if you will, to be posted every Friday. Being a red-blooded, American male I have no choice but to accept this challenge and hope that he won’t be too embarrassed in front the lady folk when I beat him soundly with a rubber chicken.
All kidding aside, as a writer, it’s always nice to have someone in your corner to raise the bar a little and push you further and further. WNEP’s Write Club is great for this. As is, the Joe Janes led, Robo-Writers. (Which I need to get back in the habit of attending.) But if you don’t belong to a group or have time to attend a gathering, a little friendly competition can do the trick too.
So come join us as we do battle during Friday Night Sketch War! I dare ya.
I’ve been trying to exhibit a little more discipline with my writing. So, to keep the muscles churning and to take a break between more serious projects, I try to write a sketch or two. Here’s an example.
Bad Credit Baby
(Tom and Debbie enter their house. Immediately Dan and Dawn and Ben and Betty jump up from behind furniture.)
ALL
Surprise!
TOM
What the hell?
DEBBIE
Dawn, Betty, what are you guys doing here?
DAWN
We wanted to be here when you brought the baby home.
BETTY
We wanted to be the first to meet the little guy.
DAN
So where is he?
BEN
Don’t tell me you guys forgot him in the car already?
DEBBIE
Why don’t you tell them, Tom.
DAWN
Oh no, is something wrong with him?
TOM
No, he’s fine. The hospital wouldn’t let us bring him home is all.
DEBBIE
Tell them why dear.
TOM
Do we have to do this now?
DEBBIE
They’re going to find out sooner or later.
BETTY
Find out what?
BEN
He’s a retard isn’t he?
DEBBIE
He’s not retarded. He’s perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes, two nostrils, two ears, two eyes.
DAN
So where is he?
TOM
Our credit check came back with some glitches.
DEBBIE
“Our” credit check? It was your goddamn student loans that did this. I told you just to pay them.
DAWN
What are you going to do?
TOM
They want $250,000 in cash before they’ll release him. What can we do?
(Chester Appleway stands up from behind the couch and speaks directly to the audience. He is dressed in a polyester suit with a bad hair piece.)
CHESTER
How many times has this happened to you? Has your bad credit history caused you to forfeit your children so they could be sold by the hospital to pay for your bill? Well worry no longer. I’m Chester Appleway and I’m here to help.
TOM
Who’s this?
DEBBIE
Did you guys invite him?
DAN
I’ve never seen him before.
CHESTER
For three easy payments of $59.95 I can restore your credit history.
DEBBIE
You guys let a salesman into our house?
DAN
He must have slipped in when we were bringing in the cake.
DEBBIE
Where’s the repellant?
TOM
There’s some under the sink
(Tom exits into the kitchen.)
CHESTER
Act now and I’ll send you, free of charge, this brand new waffle iron.
(Tom re-enters.)
TOM
Damn it, we’re out!
DEBBIE
Well we have to get rid of him. What can we do?
(Bradley Wiffler stands up from behind the chair. He wears coveralls over a white shirt and tie. He wears a button that reads “Ask me how to kill things.”)
BRADLEY
How many times has this happened to you? You have a pesky salesman in your home, but you’re fresh out of repellant. Well, my friends, your worries are over. My name is Bradley Wiffler and I’m here to help.
DEBBIE
Jesus, another one!
DAWN
You’ve got an infestation.
TOM
Are you sure none of you guys let them in?
(Silence. They all look at Ben.)
TOM
Ben. Are you sure none of you guys let them in? Ben? Hello, Earth to Ben.
BEN
Sorry guys I forgot my line.
(They all moan and shake their heads. Dirk Wrightwood, the director enters with a clipboad and wearing a headset.)
DIRK
Cut!
BEN
I’m sorry everyone. I blanked.
DEBBIE
Well, if you weren’t snorting so much fucking coke, maybe you could remember your fucking lines.
BEN
Blow me, Debbie! Oh wait, that’s how you got this job to start with.
DEBBIE
Fuck you!
BEN
Fuck yourself.
DIRK
People, people, people, people, people, settle down. Let’s get everyone back to their starting positions. We’re gonna take it from Tom and Debbie’s entrance. Debbie, honey, let’s see some emotions, huh? You’ve just come back from the hospital without your baby. For fuck’s sake, you’ve been carrying this thing around for nine months and now they won’t let you keep it? Show me some grief, babe.
DEBBIE
Dirk, I’m trying, but I have nothing to draw from. What can I do?
(Miranda Queezland stands up from behind the couch. She wears black pants, a black turtleneck and a black beret. She has a red scarf tossed carelessly around her neck.)
MIRANDA
How many times has this happened to you? You’re in the middle of an emotional scene but you’re completely drained. You have nothing to draw from. Well fret no more because Miranda Queezland is here to help.
DIRK
And can someone get an exterminator in here or something? Seriously! These things are everywhere.
BLACKOUT
I know that as soon as the writer’s strike ends producers are going to be trying to fill their schedules with the next Grey’s Anatomy or BJ and the Bear. I’d like to offer my services to them by sharing this preview of a new medical drama I’m writing. I think it has a lot of potential.
NOTE TO PRODUCERS: You can have this puppy for a song.
The screen is black. Gradually a picture of a golden retriever appears on the screen. Its head is bandaged and there’s a harness, with wheels, on its hind legs. Under the picture the letters S.L.V.H.R.B.H. appear. Dramatic theme music begins as the announcer says:
VOICE OVER
Next week on a very special “St. Luke’s Veterinary Hospital for the Really, Badly Hurt”.
(Carl Maggi rushes through the doors of the Veterinary Hospital with a limp chimpanzee in his arms. The chimp is dressed as a cowboy.)
CARL
I need a doctor over here!
(Dr. Nathan Forrest and Dr. Marty Durbin race to the scene.)
DR. NATHAN
What happened?
CARL
I was getting ready for work when I heard him fall down the stairs.
(Dr. Marty is listening to the chimp’s pulse.)
DR. MARTY
Breathing is shallow. B.P. 90 over 50.
CARL
I think he slipped on a banana peel.
(The chimp begins to weakly make motions with his hands.)
DR. MARTY
Does he know sign language?
CARL
A little. Look, is he going to be all right or what?
DR. NATHAN
What’s his name?
CARL
Mr. Green Jeans.
(Dr. Nathan begins signing to Mr. Green Jeans as they carry him into an operating room. Other vets arrive and begin working on him. Carl tries to follow them into the room but Dr. Nathan stops him.)
NATHAN
I’m sorry, you’re not allowed in here.
(Nathan enters the room. The doors close and Carl stands looking in the window. From the next operating room we hear the unmistakable sound of an EKG monitor flat-lining. We CUT TO another operating room to see a group of vets gathered around the table.)
DR. TONY
We’re losing her!
DR. KATHY
Where’s the damn crash cart?
DR. TONY
Give me room, I’m going to start compressions.
(Everyone backs away to reveal a turtle lying on its back with tubes and wires connected to it. Dr. Tony takes his two index fingers and begins CPR on the turtle.)
DR. TONY
Fight, damn you! Fight!
(As he begins mouth to mouth we CUT TO a larger examining room. A horse stands in the middle of the room covered with a blanket. Dr. Kareem has her arm, up to the elbow, in the horse’s butt. Donald Parker and his son Teddy are watching.)
DR. KAREEM
I think I may have found the cause of the blockage.
(She removes her arm and is holding a Power Ranger action figure. She hands it to Teddy.)
DR. KAREEM
Does this belong to you?
(Teddy grabs it and hugs it.)
TEDDY
Blue Ranger!
(Dr. Kareem smiles and musses Teddy’s hair with her gloved hand.)
DONALD
How many times do I have to tell you? The horse’s ass is not a toy box.
(CUT TO Dr. Drake entering the men’s room. He opens the first stall and Mac, the janitor, is working the bowl with a plunger.)
MAC
Somebody tried to flush another goddamn hamster.
(Dr. Drake moves to the larger, handicapped stall. When he opens the door he sees a family, William, Janet, Becky, and Billy standing in front of the toilet. Billy holds an empty goldfish bowl. William is just finishing up a prayer.)
WILLIAM
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen.
(The Family all cross themselves and say Amen and then Billy flushes the toilet.)
BILLY
Will that take Ginny to Heaven, daddy?
WILLIAM
Yes son, it will.
(They all exit the stall and Dr. Drake enters, sits and is getting ready to read the latest issue of “Cat & Kittens” Magazine when he sees Becky looking at him from under the stall.)
BECKY
Is that man’s poop going to heaven too, Daddy?
(CUT TO the nursery. Nurse McMillan enters and sees Dr. Marcus with his back to her holding a large baby bottle. Dr. Marcus’ head is tilted back and he is moaning with pleasure.)
NURSE MCMILLAN
Dr. Marcus?
(Dr. Marcus is startled and drops the bottle. He begins futzing with his pants. He turns to her, very distracted.)
NURSE MCMILLAN
What are you doing?
DR. MARCUS
Julie. I didn’t hear you come in. I…uh…was just feeding little Ophelia here.
(A small lamb wanders around nudging the front of Dr. Marcus’ pants. )
DR. MARCUS
(To Ophelia)
Go away. Shoo.
NURSE MCMILLAN
Oh my God. How could you?
DR. MARCUS
Julie, wait I can explain.
NURSE MCMILLAN
Is that why you always called me Lambchop?
(She slaps him. CUT TO the waiting room to reveal Carl pacing nervously. He spies Dr. Nathan coming towards him with another woman, Darcy Day.)
CARL
Is Mr. Green Jeans going to be all right?
DR. NATHAN
He has a concussion. I think he’s more embarrassed than anything.
DARCY
Mr. Maggi, this is the third time in the past two months that Mr. Green Jeans has taken a tumble down the stairs. Do you want to tell me what’s really going on?
CARL
Who are you?
NATHAN
This is Darcy Day from the Humane Society.
CARL
He’s a clumsy little fellow, that’s all.
DARCY
Mr. Green Jeans told me about your drinking problem.
CARL
He what?
DARCY
Mr. Maggi are you getting drunk and beating that monkey?
CARL
Chimpanzee.
DARCY
Whatever.
CARL
You’re going to believe what a chimp told you? A frickin’ primate? That stupid son of a…
DARCY
I’m placing Mr. Green Jeans in a safe house until we settle this issue.
CARL
What? You can’t do that! He’s my chimp! You have no right…
(Dr. Nathan grabs Carl and slams him against the wall.)
DR. NATHAN
We have every right to look out for the welfare of that monkey.
CARL
Chimpanzee.
DR. NATHAN
People like you make me sick!
(Dr. Marty sees what’s going on.)
DR. MARTY
Dr. Nathan! My office! Now!
(Dr. Marty and Dr. Nathan go into an examining room and Dr. Marty snaps the curtain closed.)
DR. MARTY
You’re a loose cannon.
DR. NATHAN
He was spanking his monkey!
CARL (From outside the curtain)
It’s a chimpanzee!
DR. MARTY
That’s enough! It’s clear to me you can’t keep your emotions in check.
DR. NATHAN
At least I have emotions.
DR. MARTY
I don’t love you, Nathan, I’m sorry but that’s just the way it is.
DR. NATHAN
You may believe those lies you tell yourself, but I know they’re nothing more than Level 2 horse waste.
DR. MARTY
I’m transferring you. Effective immediately!
DR. NATHAN
What? You can’t do this!
(An alarm goes off. Dr. Tony comes rushing in.)
DR. TONY
Code blue! Code blue!
DR. MARTY
What’s going on?
DR. TONY
Dispatch just called. A cattle truck rolled over on its way to the State Fair. Collided with a bus full of 4-H girls. We’re getting some of the worst case cows. The first chopper should be here any second. Would you believe, some son of a bitch state trooper wanted to know if he could have the steaks from the ones that don’t make it.
DR. NATHAN
Not on my shift!
(To Dr. Marty)
That is, if it’s still my shift, Dr. Marty.
(Dr. Nathan and Dr.
Marty stare intensely at each other.)
VOICE OVER
Don’t miss the one episode of “St. Luke’s Veterinary Hospital for the Really, Badly Hurt” that TV Guide says “This is the one episode of “St. Luke’s Veterinary Hospital for the Really, Badly Hurt” not to miss”.