If you thought last week’s drunken scuffle was an embarrassment, wait until you see this week’s slap fight. There’s a rumor we might be joined by some fresh blood soon, so this lull in the war might merely be a short-lived ceasefire. Let’s hope.
Clearly, we need more sketch writers to join in the festivities. Post your best and send an email to sketchwar_at_dreamloom.com.
In the Coop
(Two women wearing partial chicken costumes sit next to each other on nests on a raised platform. A conveyor belt runs beneath the platform, on which eggs occasionally pass.)
MILDRED
Did you hear? Esther’s boy came by her coop for Sunday dinner.
RUTH
My Irving didn’t even call on my birthday and you should tell me this?
MILDRED
I was making conversation. You’re not the only one whose children don’t come by, you know. I haven’t seen my Rachel since she moved.
RUTH
Chicks these days. In my day, family was the number one thing. You respected your mother, you respected your father. Now, they’re running off to coops as soon as they’re old enough to peck their own seed.
MILDRED
No respect for tradition.
RUTH
We lay them, sit on them while they incubate–
MILDRED
–I had the worst case of hemorrhoids when I was incubating my Susie–
RUTH
–and teach them how to live. And how do they repay us? Do they call? Do they write?
MILDRED
I can’t read that chicken scratch.
RUTH
That’s not the point. Is it asking too much a mother should she her grandchicks? Maybe spoil them a little?
MILDRED
Grandchicks?
RUTH
I…I’m ashamed to say it.
MILDRED
Ruthie, you know me. You’re like a sister to me. You can tell me anything.
RUTH
And you’ll tell it to all the other hens.
MILDRED
I promise I won’t. Trust me.
RUTH
(Ashamed) Sarah’s taken up with one of those farkakt Rhode Island Reds. She’s been laying for him like crazy.
MILDRED
I’m so sorry, Ruth. All we can do is raise them the best we can. Eventually they have to make their own choices.
RUTH
But a Red?!? I’m no racist–
MILDRED
–I know that, dear.
RUTH
But couldn’t she find a nice Jewish Rooster?
MILDRED
Maybe he is Jewish. Like Sammy Davis, Jr.
RUTH
My mother would have fricasseed me if I’d ever taken up with a Red.
MILDRED
These are different times, Ruth.
RUTH
I know. They have no respect for the old ways. No respect for their parents. Now, they just run off with the first cock that smiles at them.
MILDRED
Does she love him?
RUTH
Love?! I didn’t love Moishe when I married him.
MILDRED
Neither did I, but we grew to.
RUTH
That’s because Moishe was special.
MILDRED
Remember the way he could make the sun come up, just by crowing?
(Ruth and Mildred sigh contentedly and moon for a few seconds, thinking of Moishe.)
RUTH
Oooh! One’s coming!
(An egg drops onto the conveyor belt below Ruth and is carried off.)
MILDRED
That was easy. They’re never that easy for me.
RUTH
You don’t relax enough. You just need to breathe.
MILDRED
Oh! I felt that. I think it’s almost time!
(Ruth reaches over with her wing/hand and takes Mildred’s wing/hand.)
RUTH
Just remember your breathing, dear.
(Ruth demonstrates Lamaze-style breathing to Mildred who starts doing the same. She makes a face, and an egg drops onto the conveyor belt. Ruth looks down at it and shakes her head.)
A *brown* egg? You too?
BLACKOUT
This week we just had a drunken scuffle between two irate generals.
Let’s get some more battlers next week. Post your best and send a link to sketchwar_at_dreamloom.com.
Pillow Talk
(Mark and Vanessa lie side by side in bed with the sheets pulled up to strategically cover their nudity. Hair is mussed. They’ve clearly just finished an energetic session of lovemaking.)
MARK
That your thong?
VANESSA
Where?
MARK
Ceiling fan.
VANESSA
Um, no I think that one’s yours.
That was…where did you learn that new trick?
MARK
The one with the rolling pin?
VANESSA
No, the other one.
MARK
“The New Yankee Workshop.” Norm’s a stickler for shop safety, so I figured–
VANESSA
–measure twice
MARK & VANESSA
cut once!
(Vanessa leans across Mark and grabs a bottle of Gatorade from a side table.)
VANESSA
Frost?
(Mark leans across Vanessa and grabs his own bottle of Gatorade from her side table.)
MARK
(Indicating bottle) Orange. I’m old-school.
So…um, that thing you said?
VANESSA
Which thing? About the mold in the basement? Because that wasn’t dirty talk. I just think we need to have that looked at.
MARK
No, not the mold. The other thing.
VANESSA
Oh. That. I just…I thought you’d like that. Guys like to hear stuff like that, don’t they?
MARK
Um, in the abstract, sure. You were just so…specific. It was unnerving.
VANESSA
How do you mean?
MARK
I mean, saying “you’re the best” or “no one’s ever made me feel this way” is a hell of an ego boost. I’m not going to lie. But usually – and it’s not like I’ve been with a lot of other women, and I’m not trying to compare – usually it doesn’t come with such a detailed list of people and places and…positions.
VANESSA
I don’t follow.
MARK
Well…alright. For example, when I was doing that thing with the watering can and toilet brush you said (in a monotone) “ooh baby, the way you move your hips is better than Joe Piscopo doing me reverse cowgirl in the back of that Hoboken cab with the bad shocks, summer of ’98, baby, baby, baby.”
VANESSA
No. I didn’t say that. I mean, maybe I said something like–
MARK
–word for word.
VANESSA
Really? You were going pretty fast then, how can you be sure?
MARK
I’ll never forget. Those words – and that look in your eyes, like a starving hyena – are etched in my memory.
VANESSA
I’m sorry if I freaked you out. I was…it was just so good. Like you’d taken it to another level. I guess I just lost my head. But what about you? I mean, I wasn’t the only one talking. What was that you were trying to say before I took the Saran Wrap off your head?
MARK
Help me, please. I can’t breathe?
VANESSA
Oh.
(They sit in a moment of awkward silence.)
MARK
Mold?
BLACKOUT
Please forgive me ahead of time for a boring sketch. I’ve had a rough week and didn’t get to this until an hour ago. It’s not good. Seriously. Sorry.
Blind Date
(Meredith sits at a small table in a stylish bistro with a glass of wine. She is fashionably dressed. She frequently raises her eyes from a copy of “All the Pretty Horses” to glance about. Liam enters, carrying a copy of “No Country for Old Men” under his arm. He wears dirty jeans and a sweatshirt. His hair and beard are long and unkempt. He looks around, spots Meredith, and crosses to her table.)
LIAM
Meredith?
MEREDITH
(Looking up) Yes?
(Liam indicates his book and then points to Meredith’s. She invites him to sit down.)
It’s nice to meet you finally, Liam. Would you like a drink?
LIAM
A beer would be great.
(Meredith waves at a waiter who comes over.)
MEREDITH
A beer for my friend, and another glass of chablis for me, please.
(The waiter goes off to fill the order.)
Did you find the place okay?
LIAM
Yeah, once I realized it was near The Y, I knew I’d been here before.
MEREDITH
Oh? Do you workout at the Y?
LIAM
I live there.
MEREDITH
Oh. What do you do?
LIAM
Odd jobs. I used sweep out the back alley at this place for their day-old bread. But the new manager is a prick. He’d rather throw it out than give it away.
MEREDITH
I didn’t realize. Well…
(The waiter appears with their drinks. Meredith finishes hers off in one swallow, points to the glass, and holds up two fingers to the waiter.)
LIAM
I loved what you said about “The Road” on the forum. That was the best analysis I’ve ever seen of McCarthy’s lyrical descriptions of the wasteland.
MEREDITH
Thank you. That’s very sweet. Especially considering what you had to say about “All the Pretty Horses”. I’m re-reading it now, and it’s not the same book to me at all after what you said.
LIAM
Thanks.
(There’s an uncomfortably long pause in conversation. Liam finishes his beer. Both try to say something and stop themselves. The waiter arrives with another beer and two glasses of wine. He sets them down and Meredith and Liam both take long drinks.)
MEREDITH
Keep them coming, would you?
So, you have a computer at The Y?
LIAM
No. I use the one at the public library. I like it there, especially during the summer. They don’t like us in The Y during the day, so I’ve gotta find someplace cool.
So what’s a woman like you doing looking for men online? You must be beating them back with a stick.
MEREDITH
Hardly! I’ve tried everything. Match.com, eHarmony, JDate —
LIAM
— Oh, you’re Jewish?
MEREDITH
No. But all the dates I went on were terrible. All the men were idiots. One of them thought the Coens had written “No Country for Old Men”!
LIAM
You’re kidding!
MEREDITH
I’m serious.
(The waiter returns with yet more alcohol and takes away the empties.)
BLACKOUT
LIGHTS UP
(Meredith and Liam have been at the table a while and are clearly well lubricated. She’s moved to the seat next to Liam and is cozying up to him.)
MEREDITH
You want to get out of here?
LIAM
Sure. Your place or mine?
MEREDITH
Mine.
(As Meredith picks up her bag, its contents spill onto the floor. Amidst the brush, mascara, compact, and wallet is a copy of “A Million Little Pieces”. Liam picks it up and turns it over in his hands. He hands it back to Meredith who looks ashamed.)
LIAM
Actually, I’m feeling a little tired. I think I’m just going to head back to The Y. Thanks for the drinks.
MEREDITH
No, Liam, wait. I can explain!
LIAM
No. I don’t think you can.
BLACKOUT
After last week’s light battle, the warriors return with vengeance on their minds and blood on their hands. Three great armies amassed to vie for contested land. Who would prevail? Would any survive? Would any live to sing songs of the clash?
A mindless eating machine, a wordless display, and architectural genius are on display this week.
For the whiny little bitches – you know who you are – who are going to read this and say “you’ve never been with a real woman…you wouldn’t know what to do…curves…hawt…” whatever. Rachel Ray’s genetics are showing through. She’s going to be a fat old Italian woman someday. Facts are facts. So what? I’m a fat dude, so imagine it’s me dressed in drag for this sketch.
Also, I found a *great* parody sketch of RR when I was putting this together this evening. I needed to get the patter she uses to start off her show, so I went to YouTube. No luck finding a real opening to $40 a Day, but I did find this MadTV sketch. I stole the opening two sentences which sounded exactly the way I recall RR’s opening. It feels weird to crib from another sketch instead of directly from the horse’s mouth (yeah, I meant to say horse,) but you gotta do what you gotta do. Anyway, that’s a great sketch which I recommend watching almost as much as I recommend reading mine.
Rachel Ray, $40 a Day
(Various shots of Rachel Ray – played by a fat man in a wig – in action, eating, eating some more, and eating still more. Opening graphics and music over. The credits end and we settle on our Rachel mid-screen wearing short-shorts and a bikini top with a sheer wrap over. The clothes look like they fit 30 pounds earlier. Or, perhaps when she still looked like a woman instead of a fat man in a wig.)
RACHEL
Hi everybody, I’m Rachel Ray! And this is ‘$40 a Day’, the show where I travel to exotic locales and show you how to have great meals for little money. Today we’re in one of my favorite places…Miami Beach! The great thing about Miami Beach is how relaxed everyone is.
(Camera pans around to show strollers, rollerbladers, lots of people in beach attire. As the camera pans back to Rachel, we see some people staring and pointing in disgust.)
RACHEL (CONT)
I’m starving, so let’s go get some breakfast!
(Rachel waddles a few steps and stops in front of a restaurant. She leans over and puts her hand on the door frame to brace herself. She’s winded. There’s a chalkboard with specials right next to the door.)
RACHEL (CONT)
(Winded) This place, (looking around for the name) Miguel’s, is a favorite with the locals, I’m sure. And these specials sound yum-o!
(Cut to Rachel sitting at a table with a menu and a cocktail in front of her. The cocktail is huge, fruity, and has an umbrella. But she’s eaten the fruit, tossed aside the umbrella, and already drunk half of it. A waiter approaches.)
WAITER
Have you decided what you’d like?
RACHEL
Everything sounds so good…french toast, eggs benedict, machaca and eggs, oooh…fried plantains – delish! Okay, I’ll have that.
WAITER
A side of fried plantains? Is that all?
RACHEL
Nooo. French toast, eggs benedict, machaca and eggs, AND the fried plantains. And (finishing her drink in one mighty gulp) this bitch is kicked. Bring me another of these.
(The waiter walks off fearfully as Rachel turns to the camera.)
RACHEL (CONT)
When you’re traveling, you really want to find the unique little places that make a city special. Miami Beach is a melting pot of different cultures, and the Cuban influence is felt everywhere. Like in this drink.
(Waiter returns with two other waiters, all carrying loaded trays with Rachel’s breakfast. They set the mass of food in front of her and she starts eating before the last plate is even in place. The second and third waiters hurry off. Most of the food ends up in her mouth, but there is a certain amount of spillover.)
WAITER
Can I bring you anything else? Some water, or another napkin perhaps?
RACHEL
(Speaking through food) No, I’m good for now. Thanks.
(Cut to the end of the meal. The plates are cleared, the food is gone. Two empty glasses are on the table, a third in Rachel’s hand as she finishes off with a loud ‘slurp’ with the straw. As she puts the glass down, she notices a piece of bacon lodged between her breasts. She picks it out and eats it. The waiter returns with the check.)
RACHEL
Let’s see how I did.
(Graphics of a check being tallied. The pre-tip total comes to $28 for food and $11 for drinks. Her tip of $1 brings her to a total of $40.)
RACHEL (CONT)
Oops! It looks like we’ve used up our whole budget for the day on breakfast. But that’s okay, there’s plenty for us to do here in good old Miami Beach, and who knows, maybe we’ll figure out a way to squeeze lunch and dinner out of this day, anyway.
(Cut to Rachel waddling down the street away from the restaurant. Shouting is heard in the background and the camera pans around to see the waiter standing outside, waving the dollar tip.)
WAITER
I think you left this on the table, you cheap bleep.
RACHEL
Come on, I think we should get out of here. Right now! (Starts running, because fat guys in drag are funny when they run.)
(Cut to Rachel splashing around in the ocean. People are staring.
Cut to Rachel sitting on a bench. She’s changed into a slightly less revealing, but equally inappropriate outfit, this time with a short skirt.)
RACHEL (CONT)
Oh boy! I’m famished! In the summertime when I was a kid, I’d go swimming at the lake near my Grandpa Manny’s. And when I got out of the water, he’d always have a steaming bowl of soup and a sammie waiting for me. So now whenever I swim, I crave soup and a sammie. I’ve gotta figure out a way…
(An older, well-dressed man walks by.)
RACHEL (CONT)
Excuse me sir, have you got a second?
MAN
Sure. Hey, you’re that Rachel Ray! My wife – rest her soul – used to watch your show all the time.
RACHEL
(Getting an idea) Your wife passed away. That’s so sad. I’m sorry for your loss. I’ll bet you’ve been really lonely…
MAN
Excuse me?
(The fat-man-in-a-wig Rachel starts aggressively flirting – sucking his fingers, touching his chest, pulling his skirt up to reveal more leg.)
RACHEL
I mean, since your wife’s been gone. You have needs. I do too. I want soup. And I know what you want. Come on back to my hotel. I promise we’ll be done in thirty minutes or less.
(The man runs away.)
RACHEL (CONT)
(Calling out in the distance) How ’bout you, sweet cheeks!?
(Cut to later. Rachel is still sitting on the bench, crying.)
RACHEL (CONT)
(Through the tears) I just can’t take it anymore. My husband’s cheating on me, Oprah won’t return my calls, and I just want a bowl of soup and a sammie.
(Cut to Rachel crawling through a garbage dumpster, looking for food.)
RACHEL (CONT)
When you’re on vacation, remember to take in the local color and customs. I hear that Miami Beach is famous for dumpster diving to find free food…
(Cut to Rachel standing on the sidewalk. It’s night time. She looks like a girl who’s been rejected for sex and eaten dumpster food.)
RACHEL (CONT)
I’m Rachel Ray and I’ll see you next time on $40 a Day. (To child walking by with ice cream cone) Hey. Hey, kid, I’m talking to you! Can I have a lick off that?!
BLACKOUT
This week was a light one. Three scouts met while surveying a potential battlefield and got into a fight with non-lethal ordinance.
This week we’ve got Pyrotechnic Parties, Camping Trips, and Tortured Artistes.
And if you get a chance, stop by David’s joint and wish him well finding the other half of his ass.
Allow me to preface this sketch with a preemptive “meh”. High concept, but it really goes nowhere. Not without a multi-million dollar budget to make it all happen, at least. Hmm…
Party Planners
(A large number of people fill a cavernous hall, dressed formally. The lights go down, and crossing, moving spots cut through the darkness. Just off center, a man with clipboard and walkie-talkie stands ready.)
EMCEE (O.S.)
(Deafening) Ladies and gentleman, put your hands together and welcome Mr. and Mrs. David Fagin for their first dance as a married couple!
MICHAEL
(Into walkie-talkie) We’re go for pyro!
(Flames shoot out of the top of the wedding cake. Fireworks go off in the background. The bride and groom walk through the smoke and flames to the center of the dance floor.)
MICHAEL
(Into walkie-talkie) Bring it home, people!
(The fireworks display becomes more intense as Aerosmith begins to play at high volume. The newlyweds begin to dance.)
MICHAEL
(Into walkie-talkie) Great work, everyone. (Turning to camera) Hi. I’m Michael Bay. For years I’ve worked in Hollywood making movies and making millions. But now, I’ve decided to branch out. So if you’d like your next wedding, sweet sixteen, or Bar Mitzvah to be a real blockbuster, call Michael Bay’s Party Planners!
(Cut to Michael in the lobby of a small office. He’s standing in front of reception, where a sexy young woman sits busily answering phones.)
TRIXIE
(Answering phone) Michael Bay’s Party Planners. How may I help you today?
MICHAEL
Here at MBPP we cater to your every need from the moment you first walk in. Take Trixie over here. Pretty easy on they eyes, right fellas? I spent months working with the best casting directors in town to trying to find the perfect mix of sex appeal and girl next door. But once Trixie walked through the door, we knew we had our receptionist. That same attention to detail is what sets MBPP parties apart. Whether you want Scarlett Johansson to jump out of your wedding cake, Sean Connery to give you away or Ben Affleck to check coats, we can deliver. Let’s meet some of the wizards who make it all happen.
(Camera follows Michael as he walks through a door and into the warehouse-sized back of the building. Sparks are flying from someone welding in the distance, people working everywhere, and a VW Bug in the foreground. Michael walks up to Rick and Stacy who are sitting at a small table.)
MICHAEL
This is Stacy Lavelle. She’s in charge of pyrotechnics at MBPP. Stacy, why don’t you tell us what you’re working on here?
STACY
We’re making flashpots for the Rosencrantz/Guildenstern wedding. There’s going to be a lot of noise and a lot of smoke.
MICHAEL
Fantastic! What’s the theme?
STACY
Rick?
RICK
The bride’s father passed away recently, so we’re going to make it look like his ghost has returned to walk her down the aisle. First we’re killing all the lights, then the flashpots go off, and then we’re projecting images of him on a scrim. We’ll play a recording of his voice, as well. The bride will never expect it!
MICHAEL
Sounds great! I’ll let you guys get back to work.
(To camera) As you can see, we take our jobs very seriously here at MBPP. We want to make sure your party is bigger, louder, and more exciting than any party before. Here’s Todd McElroy, our demo expert. Todd? What are you working on?
TODD
The finale of the Sussman Sweet 16. Chloe wants a BMW convertible and of course her father’s bought her one. But we’ve decided to bring in this new Bug instead as a joke. She’ll obviously be upset and angry, and just when her tantrum reaches its peak, our stunt driver speeds in with her BMW and shoots the Bug with this fake rocket launcher. We blow a charge under the Bug and it should flip over three times before ending upside down. Then we cue fireworks.
MICHAEL
That sounds awesome, Todd. You’ve been with me for a long time. How is party planning different from the movies?
TODD
Well, I can’t fall back on CGI so much, so it’s made me relearn some of the old ways of doing things. Otherwise, it’s about the same. I mean, movies and parties are all about the same thing, right? Bombs, crashes, and rolling fire.
MICHAEL
Truer words were never spoken. Thanks, Todd.
(To camera) I hope you’ve enjoyed your behind the scenes look at Michael Bay’s Party Planners and want to choose us for your next party. At MBPP, no party is too big for us to handle, though many are too small. If you’re looking for an intimate affair with just close friends and family, try someone else. But if you want the rockin’est party ever, give us a call.
(BLACKOUT)