Pillow Talk
(Mark and Vanessa lie side by side in bed with the sheets pulled up to strategically cover their nudity. Hair is mussed. They’ve clearly just finished an energetic session of lovemaking.)

MARK
That your thong?

VANESSA
Where?

MARK
Ceiling fan.

VANESSA
Um, no I think that one’s yours.

That was…where did you learn that new trick?

MARK
The one with the rolling pin?

VANESSA
No, the other one.

MARK
“The New Yankee Workshop.” Norm’s a stickler for shop safety, so I figured–

VANESSA
–measure twice

MARK & VANESSA
cut once!

(Vanessa leans across Mark and grabs a bottle of Gatorade from a side table.)

VANESSA
Frost?

(Mark leans across Vanessa and grabs his own bottle of Gatorade from her side table.)

MARK
(Indicating bottle) Orange. I’m old-school.

So…um, that thing you said?

VANESSA
Which thing? About the mold in the basement? Because that wasn’t dirty talk. I just think we need to have that looked at.

MARK
No, not the mold. The other thing.

VANESSA
Oh. That. I just…I thought you’d like that. Guys like to hear stuff like that, don’t they?

MARK
Um, in the abstract, sure. You were just so…specific. It was unnerving.

VANESSA
How do you mean?

MARK
I mean, saying “you’re the best” or “no one’s ever made me feel this way” is a hell of an ego boost. I’m not going to lie. But usually – and it’s not like I’ve been with a lot of other women, and I’m not trying to compare – usually it doesn’t come with such a detailed list of people and places and…positions.

VANESSA
I don’t follow.

MARK
Well…alright. For example, when I was doing that thing with the watering can and toilet brush you said (in a monotone) “ooh baby, the way you move your hips is better than Joe Piscopo doing me reverse cowgirl in the back of that Hoboken cab with the bad shocks, summer of ’98, baby, baby, baby.”

VANESSA
No. I didn’t say that. I mean, maybe I said something like–

MARK
–word for word.

VANESSA
Really? You were going pretty fast then, how can you be sure?

MARK
I’ll never forget. Those words – and that look in your eyes, like a starving hyena – are etched in my memory.

VANESSA
I’m sorry if I freaked you out. I was…it was just so good. Like you’d taken it to another level. I guess I just lost my head. But what about you? I mean, I wasn’t the only one talking. What was that you were trying to say before I took the Saran Wrap off your head?

MARK
Help me, please. I can’t breathe?

VANESSA
Oh.

(They sit in a moment of awkward silence.)

MARK
Mold?

BLACKOUT