Okay…I’m an idiot. Yes, I did briefly post this Friday, wondering why everyone else didn’t post yet. And then my tiny little brain went “oh yeah, this is the week we’re waiting until Monday”
So…ummmm….sorry, and….my bad.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
What Superbowl would be complete without a car commercial, huh? So here’s my little homage to Detroit’s marketing machine, and some ideas of how they can get back on track in tough times.
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FADE IN:
EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – DUSK
The sun sets over a rugged orange desert plain, scattered with scrub brush, cactus and purple rocky outcroppings. A camp of cowboys sits around a fire. One cowboy, DYLAN, square jawed handsome and rugged, crouches over a fire and pours coffee into a tin cup as he looks past the herd of cattle watching and sees distant lightning on the horizon. Acoustic guitar strums start in the soundtrack, and a male singer with a Springstein \ Mellencamp type voice and a country-rock twang starts singing.
SINGER (V.O.)
There’s a hard wind blowin’
‘Cross the world today
Storm clouds are building
And skies look gray
CUT TO:
EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – NIGHT
It’s now raining very hard in the night – a major storm. Our cowboys are on horseback herding cattle through a torrential downpour. They are just shadows occasionally lit by lightning strikes. DYLAN makes some impressive cutting moves on his horse
SINGER (V.O.)
But when things get bad
And times look rough
Americans buckle down
And get tough
Another young, but handsome cowboy, CODY, looks over the side of the cliff his horse is near when a lightning strike nearby spooks his horse. The horse rears up in and CODY is thrown over the side of the cliff (all in slow motion).
CLOSE UP ON DYLAN
DYLAN sees CODY go over the cliff, and immediately spurs his horse over in a mad gallop(all in slow motion)
SINGER (V.O.)
We don’t walk away
When we’ve got a tough fight
We grab our neighbor’s hand
And we push through the night
CUT TO:
EXT. CLIFF – NIGHT
CODY barely hangs on to a wet rocky handhold. He struggles to hang on as he sees the huge drop below, but his gloves are giving way. Just as CODY slips completely, DYLAN’s manly hand grabs his. DYLAN grimaces in determination as he hauls CODY back up from certain death.
CUT TO:
EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – NIGHT
As they stand back up on terra firma, DYLAN and CODY walk back to CODY’s horse. CODY still looks shaken, but unflappable DYALN claps him on the back, then hands CODY the reins to the horse that just threw him. CODY climbs back up, and DYALN strides back over to his own horse. They get back to the business of herding cattle in the rain.
CUT TO:
EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – MORNING
The sun starts rising over the plains in a brilliant rain-free collage of orange, red and pink. Flowers are everywhere now, in full bloom from their soaking in the night, and dripping clean raindrops on the ground. DYLAN and CODY look at each other, and confidently nod with only the vaguest hints of smiles on their lips.
SINGER (V.O.)
You know you’ll make it through
No matter how far
You’re American tough
Now buy a fuckin’ car
CUT TO:
EXT. SUBURBAN FRONT LAWN – DAY
A man, his wife, and two boys (BOTH about 8 years old), all dressed in really ugly western wear stand in front of a big black SUV. Text fades in on screen:
CHEVY TAHOE
IT TAKES HUGE BALLS TO DRIVE A VEHICLE NAMED AFTER A PLACE BEING WRECKED BY IT’S EMISSIONS
SINGER (V.O.)
We hired famous singers
And used their big hits
We made tons of commercials
Showing girls with big tits
But you bastards went out
And bought Japanese
You stuck us with thousands
Of SUV’s
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHSCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY
A man in his early 50’s stands in front of super-shiny red Corvette. The man is dressed like he belongs in a boy band, but his large pot belly and wind-swept toupee give him away.
More text fades in on screen:
CHEVY CORVETTE
BECAUSE NO OTHER CAR IN THE WORLD SAYS ‘RECENTLY DIVORCED, IN DENIAL, AND EASILY MANIPULATED’ THE WAY WE CAN
SINGER (V.O.)
(chorus)
We lost our private jets
Cause no one bought Corvettes
The UAW
Has us totally screwed
We know we’re making trash
But man, we need the cash
So get American tough
And buy our fuckin’ cars
(bridge)
Now we know your money’s tight
And times have gotten lean
But we still run this company
Like it’s 1913
Becoming more efficient
Just ain’t in our plan
We’ll just pump you full of guilt
Until you buy American
CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH – DAY
A charcoal gray Chevy Malibu sits in front of the sand, waves carrying surfers crash in the background. A guy and a girl, both in their twenties, exit the Malibu wearing bathing suits and sunglasses, and run down to the beach. Text fades in:
CHEVY MALIBU
YES, WE KNOW NO ONE WHO LIVES IN MALIBU WOULD EVER BE SEEN DEAD IN THIS CAR. BUT YOU PROBABLY KNOW PEOPLE WHO’D BE IMPRESSED BY JUST THE NAME, AND THINK IT MUST SOMETHING REALLY EXOTIC. JUST DON’T EVER THEM SEE YOU DRIVING IT.
SINGER (V.O.)
(back to verse)
Some people want a hybrid
Then go out and buy a Prius
But buy an eco-friendly foreign car
Is just like pissin’ on Jesus
Stop worrying ‘bout tomorrow
Life can be an endless Summer
Just speed up global warming
And buy a big ol’ Hummer
CUT TO:
EXT. WHEAT FIELD – DAY
A blue Chevy Volt sits in front of a field of waving wheat. Text fades in on screen:
COMING SOON – CHEVY VOLT
STILL WON’T BE OUT FOR OVER A YEAR, AND WILL PROBABLY HAVE PROBLEMS EVEN THEN. BUT IF YOU BUY ONE OF OUR CARS NOW, YOU CAN ACT SMUG LATER ON BECAUSE YOU BOUGHT FROM A COMPANY THAT MAKES GREEN CARS (IF THIS THING EVER DOES GET TO MARKET)
SINGER (V.O.)
(back to chorus)
We lost our private jets
Cause no one bought Corvettes
The UAW
Has us totally screwed
We know we’re making trash
But man, we need the cash
So get American tough
And buy our fuckin’ cars
Please buy our fuckin’ cars
(this keeps repeating through the end, fading out a little each time)
The screen fades into closeup of a waving American flag, then the Chevrolet logo fades up.
Titles fade up on the screen over the logo:
CHEVROLET
ALL AMERICAN
AND IF YOU DON’T BUY A CAR FROM US YOU’RE A GOD-HATING TERRORIST FAGGOT DOUCHEBAG…AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW IT
FADE TO BLACK.