Blogging buddy @tjonsek suggested this week’s theme in comments: horrible family holidays. I didn’t have to reach too deep into my bag of painful, poorly suppressed memories to pull this sketch out. Still rubs me raw.
You know of course that comedy often requires painting in broad strokes and exaggerating. Comedy in real life is much more subtle because people aren’t caricatures. That’s good, right? I mean, it would *suck* if there were actually people like these in the real world. Can you imagine actually having a mother like Miriam? Can you imagine the psychic damage that would do? Can you imagine how twisted that would make someone?
Come back later for a recap with links to the other sketches and information on submitting for next week. And if you’ve got a theme you’d like to see us try out for next week, leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs when their sketches are up.
Chinatown Christmas
INT. CAR – DAY
The rain is pouring from the leaden sky in buckets on an unseasonably warm Christmas day. NOAH, late 20s, attentively pilots a sturdy SUV through heavy New York traffic. His father GERRY, 50s and balding, rides shotgun offering “helpful” tips. In the back sit MIRIAM, the matriarch of the ROSEN clan, looking older and feebler than her mid-50s warrant, HANNAH, Noah’s college-age sister, and in the middle, BECKY. With her perky nose, blond hair, and blue eyes, Noah’s fiancee looks as out of place as a slice of ham between two pieces of marble rye.
MIRIAM
Hop Kee is good. You liked Hop Kee last time, right Gerry?
GERRY
That’s the one with the Hot and Sour I like–
MIRIAM
–No. That’s Congee. Hop Kee’s the one where the hostess always gives you the extra shrimp roll, like I’m not supposed to know she’s flirting?
NOAH
Ma, we’re going to Wo Hop, right?
MIRIAM
Yeah, yeah. I was just saying, Hop Kee’s good too. You should ever decide to come back and visit, we could go there, nu? It’s just down the street.
NOAH
Ma, we’re visiting right now.
Miriam pats Becky on the knee.
MIRIAM
And we’re so glad the two of you are here. Aren’t we glad, Gerry?
GERRY
Yeah, sure.
(on traffic)
You want the right lane. It’s clearer. You can get around two, maybe three of these
(yelling, as though the other drivers can hear)
slowpokes!
Noah moves aggressively to the right and accelerates. He is his father’s son.
BECKY
Hannah. What are you taking next semester?
HANNAH
Sight and Sound Studio and Documentary, the Femme Fatale in the films of Roman Polanski, and Spanish.
GERRY
My little baby’s going to be a big filmmaker someday.
HANNAH
Dad…
GERRY
Going to walk down that red carpet.
HANNAH
Dad…
MIRIAM
Muriel Goldstein’s boy wanted to be in pictures. But he’s still waiting tables, waiting to be a star. Breaks poor Muriel’s heart. He could have gone to Columbia Medical School, but that wasn’t good enough for him.
NOAH
Barry Goldstein failed high school biology. Three times.
MIRIAM
I’m just saying–
HANNAH
–You’re just saying I’m going to fail, aren’t you ma?
MIRIAM
Of course not, dear. I just think you could get a law degree first, and then try with your moviemaking. Is it too much to ask that one of my babies doesn’t go hungry?
NOAH
Ma! I’m not going hungry. I’m doing just fine.
GERRY
(on traffic)
You’re taking the Cross Island?
NOAH
Yeah, that’s the way I always go.
GERRY
Well, that’s a fine way, I guess, but the Van Wyck’s faster. But you’re driving. Don’t mind me.
(beat)
The middle lane’s open.
MIRIAM
Becky!
Becky jumps. Her attempt to become invisible failed.
BECKY
Yes, ma’am?
MIRIAM
Don’t call me ma’am, dear. Just call me Miriam. Or mom. Is it too soon for that?
BECKY
No, ma’am. I mean Miriam. I mean…
GERRY
You’re spooking the poor girl, Miriam.
MIRIAM
What? I just told her to call me ‘mom’. I’m welcoming. Who’s spooking?
HANNAH
You are. I don’t even want to call you ‘mom’ most of the time.
GERRY
The turn for the Van Wyck is coming up if you change your mind.
BECKY
How much longer?
EXT. STREET – DAY
The buckets of rain have turned to barrelfuls. Gerry, Miriam, and Hannah stand under Gerry’s huge umbrella, trying to stay dry, as they talk to Noah through the window.
GERRY
You know where the garage is, right? Two blocks down and one over. You sure you don’t want me to park it?
NOAH
No, that’s alright. You three go in and get us a table. Becky and I will be back in a few.
GERRY
You want the umbrella, at least?
NOAH
Uh, it looks like it’s clearing up.
Lightning splits the sky.
INT. CAR – DAY
Noah rolls up the window and pulls from the curb.
NOAH
I figured you could use a few minutes to catch your breath before dinner.
BECKY
Thanks. How do you do it?
NOAH
What?
BECKY
Not be crazy?
INT. RESTAURANT LOBBY – DAY
There’s a small crowd at the front desk. Miriam pushes her way to the front.
MIRIAM
Excuse me? Excuse me?! Can we get some help, please?
HOSTESS
How many?
MIRIAM
Excuse me?
HOSTESS
How many in your party?
MIRIAM
Five.
HOSTESS
20 minutes.
Miriam ponders for a second and then…
MIRIAM
Come on. Let’s go to Hop Kee.
HANNAH
But Noah and Becky are expecting us to be here.
MIRIAM
We talked about both. He’s a smart boy. He’ll figure it out.
INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Hop Kee. Noah and Becky are soaked through. Miriam, Gerry, and Hannah sit in front of many plat
es of demolished food.
NOAH
I thought we were meeting at Wo Hop?
MIRIAM
We talked about both, nu?
BLACKOUT: