Author: rporter

EXT. RURAL ROAD – DUSK

A lone luxury sedan drives over rolling hills in the golden sunset, the millions of brightly colored autumn leaves glowing in shades of red and orange. Perfect foliage.

VANESSA (V.O.)

Oh, Marcus! It’s beautiful. You were right, this was the perfect weekend to drive up. Sorry I doubted you.

MARCUS (V.O.)

No worries, babe. I checked the almanac, the National Weather Service, and had the boys in accounting run some numbers based on the last 20 years, factoring in warming trends. I knew this would be the peak weekend.

VANESSA (V.O.)

I just wish we could have skipped work and had an extra day. But anyway, this place I booked should be perfect. The Double-A Guide gave it three coffee cups.

MARCUS (V.O.)

You mean the Triple-A Guide.

VANESSA (V.O.)

Uh-oh.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY – NIGHT

RUPERT and MAGGIE stand behind the desk. He’s in his 50s, balding, and looking rumpled-casual in a button-down shirt. She’s in her 30s and crisply turned out. The door opens and MARCUS and VANESSA stroll in with too many bags for a weekend trip. He and she are both in their 30s, decked out in the flannel, cashmere, and special boots they bought just for this weekend.

MAGGIE

Good evening, and welcome to Hearth House. Are we the Pithbottoms?

VANESSA

Yes, we are. I’m Vanessa and this is Marcus. Your inn is beautiful, really.

Maggie taps at her computer.

MAGGIE

Thank you. Let’s see, we have you for three nights, checking out Sunday morning, and you wanted to do two of our foliage tours, one tomorrow and then the special Leaves & Lakes Tour on Saturday. How fun!

RUPERT

Will you be dining in the restaurant this evening?

MARCUS

Honey?

VANESSA

Sure. Sounds good.

(to Marcus)

Doesn’t he look like Bob Newhart? You think he’s like him?

(to Rupert)

Aren’t you chilly? Maybe you should put on a cardigan?

Rupert gets this a LOT. He rolls his eyes and gives the couple a withering look.

MARCUS

Yes, yes! Now I see it.

RUPERT

Maybe later, ma’am. Right now, let’s just get you two finished with check-in.

Maggie taps a bit more, Rupert shuffles some papers.

MARCUS

(to Vanessa)

Doesn’t she remind you of that Gilman Girl?

VANESSA

(to Marcus)

Who’s that?

MARCUS

You know, Laura Gilman, from that show you like?

VANESSA

Oh you mean–

MAGGIE

–Okay, we’re almost done. Will you be keeping this on your American Express?

MARCUS

Actually, I’d like to put it on this Visa, instead.

Vanessa looks at Marcus questioningly while he hands his card to Maggie.

MARCUS (CONT’D)

(to Vanessa)

Double miles.

The wind outside kicks up. Rupert and Maggie look at each other and hurry up the process. She drops the card in her haste and both get looks of abject terror at the delay. The wind picks up more. Just as Maggie runs the card through the reader, the front door FLIES open and a mass of dead leaves blow into the lobby, propelled by a whipping wind.

MAGGIE

If I could just get you to sign here?

Maggie and Rupert look at each other with a mixture of relief and amused resignation.

VANESSA

Wow, that was some wind. Hope it doesn’t effect the leaves too much.

EXT. RURAL ROAD – DAY

A van drives through a vast wasteland. I mean, like Tunguska AFTER the event. Dead, gnarly trees as far as the eye can see beneath a leaden sky. Swirling piles of leaves gather in little eddies.

TOUR GUIDE (V.O.)

On the right, you’ll see a stand of Vermont maples, renown for their beautiful, deep red leaves in autumn.

BLACKOUT

INT. SPACESHIP PASSAGEWAY – PERMANENT NIGHT

Curved plasteel walls stretch into the distance. The thrum of the Keeslar-Morales drive is just audible. With a WHOOSH, a door slides open and SUB-COMMANDANT BILL O’REILLY enters in his skin-tight utility uniform. He is followed by ARCH-LIEUTENANT MICHELLE MALKIN, sashaying in her skin-tight utilities, unzipped provocatively, exposing cleavage.

MALKIN

Sub-commandant! You can’t let them on the ship, they’ll infect us all!

O’REILLY

It’s a risk we’ve got to take!

INT. SPACESHIP TRANSPORTER ROOM – PERMANENT NIGHT

CHIEF RUSH LIMBAUGH tests the limits of his kevlar-spandex uniform standing at a control panel.

O’REILLY

Bring them over, Limby.

LIMBAUGH

Aye, Sub-commandant.

Limbaugh pushes buttons, turns dials, and slides a lever. Twinkling lights and tinkling chimes fill the room and three forms take shape. KEITH-O in a custom tailored suit, JANEANE in hemp clothing cut like potato sacks, and AL FRANKEN in tweed appear.

MALKIN

Look out! She’s got a gun under her burka!

TWO SECURITY OFFICERS appear out of the corners and tackle Janeane.

MALKIN (CONT’D)

Good job! She was–

SECURITY OFFICER #1

It’s just a hooka, sir.

MALKIN

That’s just as bad! She was going to make all our children smoke

(whispering)

mar-ee-wan-ah.

LIMBAUGH

You’d better let me search her. No telling what other drugs she may be carrying.

O’REILLY

Belay yourself, Chief! Doctor Phil tells me you’ve been spending quite enough time in sickbay.

(beat)

I’m Sub-commandant O’Reilly of the Earthship John Wayne. Welcome aboard.

KEITH-O

You’re a terrible person, O’Reilly. Truly. The. Worst. Person.

MALKIN

Maybe we shouldn’t have responded to your distress signal then!

Janeane and the security guards get up and she gives each of them a little baggie.

JANEANE

We responded to yours, you bimbo!

MALKIN

Don’t be rid–

O’REILLY

–Can it, Michelle! It was our distress signal. I told you that.

MALKIN

But you told me–

O’REILLY

You have anyone like this?

AL FRANKEN

(sighs)

We’ve got Sharpton.

O’REILLY

I’m actually truly sorry.

(beat)

Okay, here’s the problem, our jump drive computers are fried.

KEITH-O

Don’t you have a backup?

O’REILLY

The backup computers are all infected with a virus. Our morale officer, Bennett, installed poker on all of them, but the software was a Trojan Horse. We’re practically drifting. All we’ve got is our Hadron drives for maneuvering. We’re stuck sub-light.

LIMBAUGH

We’ve only got six months supply in the mess!

AL FRANKEN

(looks at Limbaugh)

I’d guess only three.

JANEANE

What do you want from us, O’Reilly?

O’REILLY

Can you send over your Systems Officer to assist with a complete overhaul of our network? Ours isn’t up to the task.

AL FRANKEN

Why’s that?

O’REILLY

No one properly vetted Ensign Palin. Apparently MIT was not one of the many schools she attended.

KEITH-O

We’d like to help, we honestly would–.

MALKIN

But you won’t right? Typical. You elites just want to take and take from the hard-working people and–

KEITH-O

–but we don’t have a Systems Officer, per se.

O’REILLY

What do you mean?

JANEANE

We don’t have ranks or titles. Everyone just pitches in on the Gaia. From each according to his abilities…

AL FRANKEN, JANEANE, KEITH-O

…to each according to his needs.

JANEANE

It works pretty well, other than all those course corrections. Someday it would be nice to reach a planet.

O’REILLY

You need to have a clearly defined chain of command.

AL FRANKEN

We don’t really believe in that. That’s why it took us an hour to come over. We had to get the crew together and debate who should come. Then we had to debate whether to bring the talking stick or leave it back on the Gaia.

MALKIN

(under breath)

Gay-uh is right.

Limbaugh snickers like a schoolboy and minces in the background for Malkin’s benefit.

AL FRANKEN

I guess we could ask around and see if anyone’s got any experience with this sort of problem.

INT. SPACESHIP CONFERENCE ROOM – PERMANENT NIGHT

O’Reilly, Malkin, and the three from the ESS Gaia are joined by JOSEPHINE JONZZ, mid-20s and transgendered, wearing a skimpy dress and JOE WURLZ, late 30s and bald, wearing a gray jumpsuit. O’Reilly frequently leers at JOSEPHINE.

MALKIN

Do you have a lot of experience with computer systems?

JOSEPHINE

Nah, not really. Sometimes I’d cash out customers at the salon, but I’d usually make a mistake and the owner’d have to come help.

AL FRANKEN

It was her or Steve Jobs. Even I don’t hate you enough to do that.

MALKIN

Joe, why don’t you take him/her/it down to the computer core.

JOE

No.

O’REILLY

Are you disobeying a direct order, mister?

JOE

Sub-commandant, arch-lieutenant…all due respect, but I can’t work with *that*. Back when I was a Telephone Sanitizer I wouldn’t even have cleaned its phone. Just spit on it when it wasn’t looking.

JOSEPHINE

Hey, that’s not nice!

O’REILLY

(leering again)

No, it’s not nice Ms. Jonzz.

JOSEPHINE

Josie. You can call me Josie.

O’REILLY

And you can call me Papa Bear.

MALKIN

Oh, get a room! We’re spinning out of control here.

A communicator on the table dings and Malkin presses a button.

MALKIN

Go ahead.

TECH (FILTER)

Arch-lieutenant, the Gaia has docked with us!

MALKIN

You see! I told you they were going to come over here and kill us all and introduce Sharia and make us get gay married and take away our guns!!!

AL FRANKEN

All at once? How would…never mind.

JANEANE

It must be hard to be you.

O’REILLY

What’s the meaning of this, Franken?!

AL FRANKEN

I have no idea. We never discussed docking.

TECH (FILTER)

It appears that our computer systems are back online. They’ve networked with the Gaia’s. There’s–

A hologram – much like the CNN hologram – shimmers into view. BARACK OBAMA and JOHN MCCAIN stand arm-in-arm.

OBAMA

We hope you’re all enjoying your accomodations.

MCCAIN

Is Sarah doing well, I hope?

OBAMA

You might wonder why we’ve brought you all together.

MALKIN

You had nothing to do with it! We take personal responsibility for our actions!

OBAMA

(laughs)

Yes, of course you do, Michelle. Anyway, we brought your ships together so we could say goodbye one last time.

AL FRANKEN

What? I don’t understand! I supported you!

OBAMA

Yes Al, thank you for that. I know you did. But America needs to come together now, and voices like yours are part of the old, divisive ways.

MCCAIN

We don’t have the time or room for any more of the extremes to be tearing the middle apart.

KEITH-O

And Senator McCain, sir, do you believe you are in the middle? You are not, sir.

MCCAIN

What can I say? I’m a maverick. Always bouncing around. I woke up and realized America needs to move forward, not rightward or leftward.

O’REILLY

So the world we were supposed to be colonizing? The one filled with willing slaves?

MCCAIN

That was a lie to get you on the John Wayne.

JANEANE

And the one we were going to, with universal healthcare and legalized pot and no corporations conspiring against us? That was a lie, too?

OBAMA

“Lie” is such an ugly word, Janeane. Let’s just say it was a campaign promise that didn’t come true.

MCCAIN

Your ships are now in a decaying orbit around the sun. You have another day before the boys in NASA say the heat will be too much and the hull will vaporize.

MALKIN

I thought we were hundreds of light years away!

OBAMA

Well, Michelle, perhaps if you had paid a little more attention in your science classes and not believed every silly anti-scientific fantasy that crossed before you, you would know that isn’t possible. And now we’d like to say our goodbyes. Have a pleasant journey and know that your sacrifice is going to make America and the world a better place.

The hologram cuts out. Silence. The thrum of what clearly are NOT Keeslar-Morales drives is audible.

Joe the Phone Sanitizer looks at Janeane.

JOE

You wanna?

JANEANE

Sure.

Joe and Janeane leave with lust and despair in their eyes. Al Franken nods to Keith-O and Michelle Malkin.

AL FRANKEN

Not much time left. Whatdya think?

The three of them leave the room. Michelle looks like a schoolgirl, giddy with the knowledge that she can drop the act.

O’REILLY

(To Josephine)

Right here on the table works for me.

BLACKOUT

EXT. SIDEWALK – DUSK

Four KIDS, 8-10 years old and in costume, gather under the darkening sky. By costume, there are SPIDERMAN, GHOST, BALLERINA, DINOSAUR.

SPIDERMAN

What did you get?

GHOST

Two Obama-Biden bumper stickers and this paper.

(Beat)

‘Tortious Acts as a Basis for Jurisdiction in Products Liability Cases: A Completely Original Look’

DINOSAUR

Which house?

GHOST

The one with the guy dressed up like a Ken doll. Fake hair, face all plastic-y.

BALLERINA

He always looks like that. My mom says some people need to let nature take its course.

DINOSAUR

I got a butterscotch from that old guy who sits in his rocking chair on his porch all the time.

GHOST

Oh, the blue house.

DINOSAUR

No, I tried there but the lights were off.

GHOST

The red house?

DINOSAUR

Off.

GHOST

Then–

DINOSAUR

–He was in the yellow house.

BALLERINA

The one with the pretty red door. I like that house.

DINOSAUR

No, the other yellow house. I think he was running from house to house trying to hide, but he wasn’t too fast. I caught him at the sixth house.

SPIDERMAN

Good. That house on the hill creeps me out.

(Opening sack wide)

Well, my bag’s full!

DINOSAUR

No way! That’s good stuff, too! Where?

SPIDERMAN

The shack on the corner.

BALLERINA

Who lives there?

SPIDERMAN

That loud lady who’s always standing outside the Whole Foods with the clipboard. But I don’t know if you guys should go there. My hand’s real sore now.

(Beat)

She wouldn’t give me any candy unless I signed a whole bunch of cards. She didn’t care what name I used, but said if I signed fifty of ’em I could fill my bag up with all the candy I could carry.

BALLERINA

(Showing bag)

I got a bunch, too.

GHOST

That’s pretty good Where?

BALLERINA

The house with the basketball hoop out front. But I don’t think he’s really got any candy.

DINOSAUR

What do you mean?

BALLERINA

I got to the door the same time as Joey Hanson. He had a lot more candy than me. The guy answered the door and said that wasn’t fair and made him give me half his candy. Joey ran home crying.

DINOSAUR

Let’s go try that house.

The kids walk one house over and up to the door. String lights, multiple pumpkins, and other decorations adorn the yard and porch. Spiderman rings the bell. The doorbell plays Dixie. It opens and a woman dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein – with rimless glasses – answers.

BRIDE

Hey there, you kids! Happy Halloween!

KIDS

Trick or Treat! Give us something good to eat!

BRIDE

Oh, you betcha!

The Bride reaches into a bowl and pulls out four wrapped items, one for each.

BRIDE (CONT’D)

Here you go! Now don’t get into any trouble!

The Bride closes the door as the kids skip off the porch. Spiderman checks his bag.

SPIDERMAN

Eww! Homemade moose jerky!

BALLERINA

Hey, isn’t that your brother over there?

GHOST

Where?

BALLERINA

(Points to distance)

There.

GHOST

He’s not supposed to go over there. He’s going to get in trouble. Mom said to stay out of Russia!

BLACKOUT

INT. CAR – NIGHT

CURT, late 20s in sport coat and oxford, drives. Beside him is his wife PAM, late 20s and fashionably dressed. Her sister GINNY, mid-30s on the verge of old-maid hood, sits in back with her hands clasped on her lap.

PAM

How much further?

CURT

It’s right up ahead

PAM

You weren’t kidding when you said he lived outside city limits.

CURT

He likes his space, I guess. How are you doing back there, Ginny? You’ve been awfully quiet.

GINNY

Hmm? Oh, I’m good. Just working through some tensor products.

Pam rolls her eyes. Curt turns to her befuddled.

PAM

Ginny does linear algebra in her head when she’s nervous.

GINNY

I’m not nervous.

CURT

I flunked pre-algebra twice.

(beat)

We’re here.

Curt stops the car and the three get out. They walk up to the front door or a neat, well-kept bungalow. As soon as Curt presses the bell, the door opens, revealing IVAR, a short, slightly hunchbacked nebbish.

IVAR

Master is expecting you. Come in.

INT. BUNGALOW – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

The guests enter the cozy home and Ivar closes the door behind them. He points them to the living room where DOCTOR ESKATOS – 40s, lean, unruly cloud of hair, wearing a long white lab coat – sits perfectly upright. His body carves out exact 90-degree angles in his floral couch. Matching the couch, the decor of the house is early-grandmother.

IVAR

Master, your guests.

ESKATOS

Yes, yes, Ivar. I can see that. Please go see to our meal.

Ivar exits through a swinging door to the kitchen. Eskatos rises and crosses to the visitors. He extends his hand to Curt.

ESKATOS

Curt, I’m so glad you could make it.

CURT

Thanks, Doctor Eskatos. I was honored you asked. This is my wife, Pam.

ESKATOS

(shaking hands)

Pam, nice to meet you. Your husband speaks very highly of you.

PAM

Thank you. He says…things about you, too. This is–

ESKATOS

–Your sister Ginny, I presume.

Eskatos clasps Ginny’s hand and shakes it too hard and too long. But Ginny doesn’t seem to notice. He lets go and gestures to sit. The door to the kitchen swings open and a tray of drinks enters the room, carried by IGOR, who looks exactly like his brother. The drinks are proffered.

CURT

Oh, that’s perfect. I’m parched. Thanks, Ivar.

IGOR

Igor.

CURT

I thought your name was Ivar?

IGOR

Igor.

Igor turns to Eskatos and spills the last drink on him.

ESKATOS

Clumsy oaf!

IGOR

I’m sorry, master. Let me get you another!

Igor rushes out of the room leaving Eskatos to clean himself up.

PAM

He seems a little…

(whispering)

is there something wrong with him?

ESKATOS

(yelling)

His mother was a scallion!

GINNY

Scullion.

ESKATOS

What?

GINNY

Scullion. You said ‘scallion’, but you meant ‘scullion’. I’m something of a wordy.

Curt and Pam look at each other, horrified.

ESKATOS

I said what I meant. His mother was a scallion. He and his brothers were some of my first experiments with human-vegetable hybrids.

The door swings open. Igor rushes back with a towel and another drink.

ESKATOS (CONT’D)

(dripping with disdain)

As you can see, the experiment was not a success.

The door swings open again and the third brother, BRYCE, enters with a cheese plate.

BRYCE

Master, we were out of the crackers you like, so I toasted some bagel chips.

ESKATOS

Yes. Fine. Whatever, Bryce. Leave us! Both of you!

Bryce and Igor scurry out. The door swings open again and Ivar starts to walk in, but his brothers’ hands grab him and pull him back into the kitchen.

PAM

Doctor Eskatos, Ginny is working on her PhD, too.

ESKATOS

Oh really? That’s fascinating. What is your field of interest?

GINNY

High energy physics.

ESKATOS

Fascinating.

PAM

Maybe Doctor Eskatos would like to hear about your thesis.

GINNY

Oh, I don’t want to bore him with that.

ESKATOS

Nonsense! I’d love to hear about it.

The door swings open again. Ivar (or maybe one of his brothers, who can be sure?) sidles in and takes the untouched cheese plate. He also picks up the unfinished drinks and carries them out on a tray.

ESKATOS (CONT’D)

It’s so difficult to grow good help these days. I should have used cauliflower. How much better things would be had I used cauliflower.

The door swings open again and two of the brothers try to walk through at the same time, jamming against the jamb. Finally, they figure out how to enter. Igor carries another tray of drinks.

BRYCE

Master, the lamb will be ready in 30 minutes.

Igor spills the drinks on Eskatos again.

ESKATOS

Aaargh! You imbecile! I should have chopped your mother up for garnish before you were ever born!

IGOR

Master, I’m sorry. Let me help you.

ESKATOS

You’ve done more than enough!

Eskatos takes out a PDA and taps it for a moment. There is a bright flash of light and a puff of smoke appears as Igor screams in pain and runs around the room. He is singed and smoking. Bryce runs to the kitchen. Curt and Pam stare in shock.

< p class="character">CURT

What was that?

ESKATOS

This? Death ray.

PAM

He’s not dead.

CURT

(to Pam)

Pam, let’s not upset the doctor, please.

ESKATOS

No Curt, she’s right. He’s not dead. Not even a little.

Igor, the top of his head stil smoking, grabs a drink and douses the embers.

ESKATOS (CONT’D)

Like all my other inventions, my orbital death ray is a failure.

CURT

Orbital?

ESKATOS

Yes. I have a series of satellites in polar orbit. I can target any location on the planet. But to what end? Look at that! Death ray, indeed.

GINNY

Microwaves?

ESKATOS

Of course.

GINNY

Have you considered crossing unsynched beams with tachyon pulses to set up–

ESKATOS

–To set up Frakes-Francis interference! Of course! How did I not think of it before. Igor!

The door swings open. Igor resists entering, but his brothers’ hands shove him back into the room.

IGOR

Yes, master?

ESKATOS

Bring me the lamb!

IGOR

But master, it is not finished yet.

ESKATOS

And I plan to remedy that.

Igor exits as Eskatos takes his PDA and frantically taps.

CURT

This is fun, huh?

Igor returns with the lamb on a platter. He looks nervous as he sets it down on the table and takes several steps away from it. Eskatos points the PDA at the lamb and taps it once. A bright flash, a puff of smoke, and Igor is gone.

ESKATOS

Huh. Must not have accounted for the Wheaton drift. I never was any good at linear algebra.

BLACKOUT

INT: CLUBHOUSE – DAY

JOHN, a stocky white boy in shorts and a too-tight button-up shirt sits at the front table. BARRY, a long lean black kid wearing a black suit, white shirt, and bow tie, sits next to his left. JOE, a skinny, nondescript white kid, sits to his right. A handful of other boys sit facing front. John bangs a gavel.

JOHN

I now bring this meeting of the He-Man Woman-Hater’s Club to order. Would the secretary please read the minutes from our last meeting?

BARRY

Freddy complained that we were all talking too much during his nap time and we took a vote. 8-2 in favor of making Freddy nap up in the old tree fort with one abstention.

JOHN

Who abstained?

BARRY

Freddy. He dozed off while we were talking about it.

(Beat)

Then the defense committee reported on the treaty negotiations with Cub Scout Troupe 163. They were at an impasse over access rights to cross 13th Street to get to Gargantuan Comics.

(Beat)

And Teddy asked for our help getting his sister’s doll out of Becker’s stream where it sank after he crashed his bike trying to jump the old footbridge.

JOE

I still don’t understand why he had the doll with him.

JOHN

Alright, let’s hear from the defense committee first.

THREE BOYS stand up. They’re dirty and scuffed up. One of them with a black eye, another with a fat lip. HARRY – skinny, blond, bespectacled – steps forward.

HARRY

They whipped us good. Cheaters. Tommy Monahan’s sister Rosie came with ’em. We didn’t stand a chance.

JOE

(Anxious)

Are you alright?

HARRY

Yeah, but when my mom catches sight of me she’s gonna have a fit.

JOE

No, I mean are you alright?

Barry and John turn to each other and roll their eyes.

HARRY

Oh, oh! Yeah, heck! I forgot!

Harry turns to the other two boys, both a little younger than he, and inoculates them.

HARRY (CONT’D)

(To the first boy)

Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you’ve got the cootie shot.

(and the other)

Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you’ve got the cootie shot.

JOE

Harry, you’d better get yourself taken care of too before you spread ’em.

HARRY

Yeah. Billy, can you give me the shot?

BILLY gets up. He’s thin, with brown hair and a drawl like sweet tea on a summer’s day.

BILLY

Can do, Harry.

They leave the clubhouse.

JOE

Guys, you’ve gotta be more careful. We don’t want another outbreak like last spring.

All the boys look up and to their left. The screen wavers and chimes play…

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

Title: Last Spring

Barry stands in front of the class, singing. HILLARY watches with stars in her eyes.

BARRY

(Singing)

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

John looks on with a squint. Barry returns to his desk, right next to Hillary’s. John gives him the ol’ stinkeye as he passes.

HILARY

Ooooh, Barry. That was dreamy!

The screen wavers and chimes play again…

INT. CLUBHOUSE – DAY

Title: Today

Everyone shakes their heads and gets out of flashback mode. Barry turns to John and extends his hand…

BARRY

Brothers forever, pal. No broad’s going to come between us again.

JOHN

(Shaking hands)

And how!

The door to the clubhouse opens. The defense committee comes back in, surrounding a girl! SARAH wears her brown hair in pigtails and the cutest little glasses. She carries a bb gun. All the boys in the clubhouse go nuts!

JOHN

(Banging his gavel)

Order! Order! What’s she doing in here?

HARRY

We caught her spying outside.

BARRY

Is that true?

SARAH

Oh yeah, you betcha! I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, don’tcha know, so I scurried over here quick as a jackrabbit in deer season to peek through the knot hole. You boys sure like talkin’ don’tcha?

JOE

Girl! Girl!

Joe gets up and starts running around like a headless chicken…until he bounces right off a wall and falls straight on his backside to the SOUND FX of little birds chirping.

JOHN

There are no girls allowed in here, Sarah. This is the He-Man Woman-Hater’s Club.

SARAH

Oh John! You get so cute when you’re all flustered-like. Your cheeks get red as fresh venison and you huff and puff like a little choo-choo train! You’re so cute, I could just kiss ya!

John’s eyes bug out. Barry’s bow tie spins around as he stands gape-jawed.

BARRY

Well, now, Sarah. As you can surely deduce from the heretofore mentioned name, we have something of a exclusion policy with regard to persons of your gender–

SARAH

–There you go again! Gettin’ all uppity and high-falutin’ with your private school readin’ and vocab-uh-lary. Why’n’t you just talk like regular folks?

JOHN

Sarah, is that an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB gun with a compass in the stock?

SARAH

It sure is, cutie-pie!

BARRY

Really, I must protest. Sarah just doesn’t belong here. We’ve still got club business to discuss.

JOHN

I could not disagree more. I think she brings a breath of fresh air to the place.

Sarah winks at John.

BARRY

Oh boy. Here we go again.

BLACKOUT