Okay, crazy-man Michael is taking this no Internet (other than email, because, well, c’mon!) thing seriously. He didn’t post his sketch on his own blog tonight; he emailed it to me.

So, without further ado, here’s Michael’s sketch for this week:

Reap the Whirlwind
(The burned out remains of a once beautiful home. Matt and Erin stand, holding each other, staring at the carnage.)

Erin: I still can’t believe it.

Matt: Our whole lives.

Erin: It all happened so fast.

Matt: All my trophies.

Erin: Our wedding album.

Matt: The plasma TV.

Erin: My mother’s ashes.

Matt: Well, those are probably all right.

Erin: You think? Oh, honey, what are we going to do?

(Matt gives her a hug.)

Matt: It’s going to be all right.

Erin: The only think keeping me from completely freaking out is the knowledge that we have insurance. At least we’ll be able to build a new home.

Matt: Well…

Erin: What?

Matt: About the insurance…

Erin: Don’t tell me you forgot to pay the bill. Matthew Christopher Glover, I swear to Christ, I will-

Matt: I paid it. I paid it.

Erin: What then?

Matt: I sort of sold it to Stan.

Erin: You what?

Matt: You remember when he came over all upset because he’d just found out Kathy has ovarian cancer?

Erin: Yeah.

Matt: And how, since they didn’t have insurance they were going to have to sell everything just to pay for the treatments?

Erin: Yeah.

Matt: Well, I sort of sold him the right to our homeowner’s insurance.

Erin: You what?

Matt: I never thought our house would burn down!

Erin: How much did you sell it for?

Matt: That’s the beauty part. I got 10% interest on it.

Erin: So he paid you money, betting that the house might burn down and then he’d get to collect the insurance?

Matt: Not just him, either. Once I realized that people were willing to buy a policy against our policy I sold one to just about every guy at the office.

Erin: That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.

Matt: Wait, it’s gets better. Baby, I had fourteen different guys paying me $100 a month. Do the math. That’s extra money in our pockets.

Erin: How long have you been doing this?

Matt: Almost two whole years! That’s $36,000.

Erin: And where’s that money now?

Matt: Well, it paid for the new TV. And the new cabinets. Our trip to Branson.

Erin: And how much was the policy worth?

Matt: Pays out one million dollars.

(She just stares at him.)

Matt: What?

Erin: Do the math, asshole! That’s 14 million dollars we have to pay out!

Matt: Oh. (It really sinks in.) OH!

(Just then a car pulls up outside. Stan walks over.)

Stan: Oh my god, I’m so sorry you guys.

Matt: Hey, Stan.

Stan: I heard the sirens and saw them turn down your street and I hoped…I mean…I’m so sorry you guys.

(Another car pulls up. Ernie gets out.)

Matt: Hey, Ernie, what are you doing here?

Ernie: Stan called and told me the news. I can’t believe it.

Matt: Yeah, it’s all gone.

Ernie: What an incredible return on an investment. I mean, my wife was pretty mad when she found out I was giving you $100 a month, but after tonight I am out of the dog house!

(Another car pulls up. Jerry gets out, he’s got an open beer in his hands.)

Jerry: Jackpot!

Stan: Listen, man, not to be a douche or anything, but when do you think the claims adjuster is going to be out?

Matt: We put a call into our guy, he said he’d be right over.

Erin: Listen you guys, I don’t know what Matt promised you.

Ernie: We have contracts.

(They all pull out official looking documents.)

Erin: Be that as it may, there’s no way we can pay each of you one million dollars.

Jerry: Come on, man, I need that money. I took out a loan against this insurance so I could buy my buddy Val’s life insurance policy. He a marathoner. It’ll be years before I see any of that dough.

Ernie: Yeah, I’ve gotta pay off the guys who just installed the swimming pool in our bedroom.

Matt: You put a swimming pool in your bedroom?

Ernie: Our mortgage guy thought it would increase the value. Plus, he bet me $500 that they couldn’t do it because it was on the second floor. Sucker.

Erin: I’m sorry. But there’s no money. But, once our insurance guy gets here, we’ll settle up with him and they we’ll happily give you your money back.

Stan: I don’t know. I was counting on that million.

Jerry: Me too.

Erin: Hey, something’s better than nothing though. Right?

(They all murmur and mumble and basically agree. Just then Perry Paul peddles up on his bike. He is a rather large man and very out of shape.)

Perry: (Winded) Sorry…I wasn’t…here….sooner…Cutbacks forced me….to give up…company car…I’m Perry Paul. How can AIG help you today?

BLACKOUT