I have returned from my sojourn into the cold, internetless world and I can only say one thing; Man did I get a lot of work done!

I’ll post more about it later, but today is Friday and that means Sketch War.

No word from Richard or Ken or Dave yet this week, but I’m sure they’re out there lurking somewhere.

This week’s theme, brought to us by Richard, is “Best Friends”.

I’ve been noodling around with a sitcom idea based on a couple of ne’er do well friends and I figured this would be a good excuse to actually do a little writing about them.

Full Disclosure: The germ of this scene was created during a writing exercise with another creative cat. I’m hoping that they won’t be too offended that I’ve run off with it.

I don’t have a title for it at the moment, but the file name I’ve been saving it under is “Jerks”.

Oh, and next week’s theme is Mad Scientist.

INT. BANK — MORNING

JULIAN, bookish, 30s, stands in line at a teller window, check in his hand. Ani, sexy-nerdish, 30s, messenger bag slung on her shoulder, sneaks up behind him and jams her
fingers into his ribs. He lets out an embarrassingly girlish giggle then immediately whips around to face Ani.

JULIAN
Why! Do you insist on doing that?!

ANI
God help me, I love that sound.

JULIAN
What are you doing here?

ANI
It’s the fifteenth. We always have lunch together on the fifteenth.

JULIAN
I know that, but this isn’t the Under the Tracks Grill.

ANI
Well, today being a special day and all, I thought maybe you’d want an extra ten minutes of me. Plus, I couldn’t wait to show you what I got you.

JULIAN
If you pull out a giant, black dildo, I swear to Christ-

ANI
Relax, Sister Mary Soggy Diaper, it’s nothing like that.

She reaches into her bag and pulls out a latex, prairie dog mask and puts it on.

ANI (CONT’D)
Pretty sweet, huh?

JULIAN
Yeah, except I can still hear your voice.

A Bank Guard notices them and begins walking in their direction.

ANI
I figured you could wear this in that cubicle farm of an office you work in.

She starts to do a little dance. Julian notices the Guard heading their way.

JULIAN
Oh crap. You gotta take that off in here.

ANI
(Baby voiced)
Aw, wassa matter, Julian? Am I embarrwassing you again?

Her dancing becomes more frantic. Julian reaches for the mask but gets a handful of her hair instead.

ANI (CONT’D)
Ow! Douche.

Ani pulls Julian’s hair and he emits a high-pitched, girlish scream.

JULIAN
Ani, stop fucking around.

They begin to wrestle.

GUARD
Hey!

In their struggling they bump into a little, old lady who was standing ahead of Julian and knock her over. A teller looks up at the commotion, sees the masked Ani, panics and hits the alarm. The Guard draws his taser.

GUARD (CONT’D)
Don’t move!

Ani and Julian freeze in mid grapple.

ANI
Do you think he’s talking to us?

The little, old lady has righted herself and thunks Julian over the head with her purse which causes him to bump into Ani, who spins towards the Guard. From the Guard’s point of view it looks like a giant prairie dog is about to attack him. He panics and fires the taser, but Ani has spun out of the way and onto the floor and the barbs attached to the electrodes embed themselves into the little, old lady who jolts a couple of times, her false teeth falling out, and collapses to the floor. As Julian is helping Ani up, they take all this in.

JULIAN
Maybe we should…

Outside we hear the wail of sirens.

ANI
Definitely.

They bolt for the door.

EXT. BANK — DAY

A small crowd is starting to gather as the bell can clearly be heard on the street. Julian and Ani, still wearing the prairie dog mask, come running out the door. People give them a wide berth as they race around the corner and into an alley.

Police cars screech to a halt in front of the bank. The Guard comes through the bank doors, wheezing. Onlookers point police in the direction of the alley and they take off on foot while a couple of cars peel rubber to head around the block.

EXT. ALLEY — DAY
Julian and Ani are running for their lives. Ani is ahead of Julian.

JULIAN
You couldn’t have waited for me at the restaurant!

ANI
You’re kidding me, right? I couldn’t have planned a better birthday present for you if I tried!

JULIAN
How’s about next year you just bake me a cake?

ANI
What do I look like? Your mom?

JULIAN
Nah, you’re ass is too big.

She stops dead in her tracks and whips off the mask. Julian runs a couple of steps past her then stops.

JULIAN (CONT’D)
What are you doing? They’re right behind us.

ANI
You think I have a fat ass?

She smacks him with the mask, which he then grabs off of her.

JULIAN
I was kidding. Come on!

ANI
There’s 25% truth in every joke, you know.

JULIAN
You’ve met my mom. She’s built like a table leg.

Ani thinks about this for a moment.

JULIAN (CONT’D)
I have a bigger ass than my mom.

ANI
I suppose.

JULIAN
Can we go now?

ANI
Yeah. Sorry. It’s just I’ve been trying to watch what I eat more and-

OFFICER 1
There he is!

Officer 1 dives through the air and tackles Julian. Officer 2 joins the pile as they wrestle handcuffs onto him.

ANI
Um, Officers.

OFFICER 2
Stand back, ma’am.

They drag Julian to his feet. He’s glaring at Ani.

OFFICER 1
Let’s go, Squirrel-Boy.

ANI
It’s a prairie dog actually.
(To Julian)
Do you want me to come bail you out?

JULIAN
Maybe you should just leave me alone for the rest of the day?

ANI
Really? Weird.

JULIAN
Oh, and you do have a fat ass.

ANI
I know you don’t mean that.

They walk Julian to an awaiting squad car. They put him in the back.

ANI (CONT’D)
I’ll bring you some lunch.
(beat)
Protect your stink star!
(beat)
Happy birthday!

They drive off. Ani pulls a large, black dildo out of her bag.

ANI (CONT’D)
Maybe I should have given him this first.

She shrugs and heads to the Under the Tracks Grill.

FADE OUT: