Sketch War

Category: Sketches

Sketch Entries from the warriors

  • Reconciliation

    (LUCAS and JOSH, mid-thirties, enter the Brant Street Café. They sit side-by-side at the counter.)

    LUCAS
    Wait till you try the chicken noodle soup here. It’s the best I have ever tasted.

    JOSH
    I think I’m going to have a grilled cheese.

    LUCAS
    I’ll tell you what, man: you go your way, I’ll go mine.

    (pause)

    JOSH
    You seem agitated.

    LUCAS
    I’m not judging you. There comes a time in everyone’s life when they decide what kind of person they are. I don’t claim to understand your choice, nor will I judge you for it.

    (pause)

    JOSH
    Thank you.

    LUCAS
    I don’t know what series of events led to your choice of a grilled cheese. I haven’t walked that road. All I know is what’s right for me, and it is the chicken noodle soup.

    (pause)

    JOSH
    Should I get the chicken noodle soup?

    LUCAS
    Don’t patronize me.

    JOSH
    Listen, what is your problem?

    LUCAS
    I’m thirty-five years old. I was in the shower this morning, staring at the tiles, and it hit me: I am never going to publish that novel. I am never going to present my parents with a grandchild. I am never going to make partner. Every day that goes by is another staple stamped into my life, and it’s becoming clearer and clearer the shape of who I really am.

    JOSH (mildly alarmed)
    Whoa. Whoa. What the hell?

    LUCAS
    No, listen. I’ve reconciled myself to it. I’m not the guy who’s going to live passionately about any of those things I thought I’d live passionately about. But I’ll tell you what’s still in my power: the chicken noodle soup at the Brant Street Café. I’ve had it everywhere in the city, and I am prepared to state unequivocally that it is best here. I am an expert on nothing else. But I have this.

    JOSH
    Okay. Okay. Take it easy.

    (A WAITRESS enters.)

    WAITRESS
    What can I get for you guys?

    JOSH
    I’ll have a grilled cheese.

    WAITRESS
    All righty. And you?

    LUCAS (looking clearly and directly into her eyes)
    The chicken noodle soup.

    WAITRESS
    I’m sorry, guy – we’re just out. I can get you a cream of mushroom?

    (pause)

    LUCAS (bravely)
    Yes. Okay.

    WAITRESS
    It’ll be right out.

    (WAITRESS exits.)

    (pause)

    JOSH
    I thought you hated mushrooms.

    LUCAS
    Don’t try to pen me in, man!

    JOSH
    All right.

    LUCAS
    I am going to eat the hell out of that cream of mushroom soup. Try to stop me!

    JOSH
    I won’t.

    LUCAS
    I’ll tear your arm off.

    (pause)

    (The WAITRESS crosses again, and JOSH flags her down.)

    JOSH
    Miss? I think I’d also like a bowl of cream of mushroom, if that’s all right.

    WAITRESS
    Sure thing!

    (The WAITRESS exits. LUCAS and JOSH sit in silence.)

  • FSW: Reconciliation

    What a week! California especially has been weird – Obama wins a historic predential election (thankfully!!!! WHOOOOOOHOOOOO), California’s live stock gets breathing room, and California’s gay marriage rights get revoked….go figure. The good news is it ain’t over til the fat lady sings, and the fat ladies life-partner sings harmony.
    There’s lots of reconcilition to be done out there – as historic as Obama’s election is, how the 47.6 percent of US citizens handle it (the ones that like invading countries and buying guns) may be a story unfolding for many years. I’m a happy guy cause my favorite candidate won…that’ll hold me for now.
    Speaking of….reconciliation was our theme for the week. I decided to get a little silly (after hearing an interview with Matt Parker and Trey Stone – creators of South Park – where they said the thing that initially brought them together was a mutual fanatacism for Monty Python). So here’s a very rough stab at a Python sketch inspired by “reconciliation”.
    No word from Michael or David yet, but Richard has taken us out of this world for his volley.
    ___________________________________________________________________
    INT. FIFTIES-STYLE CONFERENCE ROOM

    The room is dark and smoky with light beams streaming from above through the haze. Several men sit around a table, wearing green visors, bow ties, vests, horn rim glasses, and all smoking cigars. The leader, CPA, sits at the head of the table, surrounded by DOUBLE LEDGER, NICKEL, DIME, and RED INK. Each has an old-fashioned adding machine sitting on the conference table in front of them.

    BIG CPA
    Alright boys, this is it – the pieces are in place and we’re about ready to take this joint. Red Ink – report your progress.

    RED INK
    Right Big CPA. I started making small subtractions from the books months ago – a penny there, a dollar here. And I just kept carrying them forward – it would take an average person years to find the errors.

    BIG CPA
    Very nice…Nickel, Dime, what have you two been up to?

    NICKEL
    Ohhhhhh….Beeeg CPA, we have been soooooo naughty.

    DIME
    We keep changing what expenses are allowed….

    NICKEL
    And sending undecipherable memos about it to the executives

    DIME
    When they submit expense reports, we randomly select items to approve, and write checks for them…

    NICKEL
    But we don’t say which they are…so the executives won’t deposit those checks until they figure it out.

    DIME
    Which they never will!!!!

    NICKEL AND DIME
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

    BIG CPA
    Diabolical boys. Double Ledger, what have you got?

    DOUBLE LEDGER
    I invented this special carbon paper. It automatically misaligns to any ledger you set it on. Every time someone makes an entry in the books, it moves it one line down in carbon copy, so all the entries are confusing and make no sense! And only I have the master ledger!!!

    BIG CPA
    Excellent work DL! I’ve been explaining our quarterly taxes to the boys upstairs using made up words – like “acrumulation” and “ficundosity” – just to confuse them. The words mean nothing, but sound official, so none of the execs have any idea what our real financial situation is.

    NICKEL
    Nice one…

    DIME
    Boss!

    BIG CPA
    In short boys, we’ve made accounting unbelievably illegible and complex around here…so the Staplelite corporation ever wants its books straightened out it will have to put us, the Axis of Accounts, in charge!

    RED INK
    At last!!! The accountants will run things! We won’t be the corporate weenies anymore!

    BIG CPA stands up and places his hand on the return pull handle of the adding machine in front of him. The others follow suit.

    BIG CPA
    Gentlemen…..I give you the Axis…
    (He pulls the handle twice….ca-chink, ca-chink)
    Of Accountants!!!!

    ALL
    THE AXIS…
    (ca-chink, ca-chink)
    OF ACCOUNTANTS!!!

    THE RECONCILER (O.S.)
    I wouldn’t count your profits before you tallied your accounts receivable if I were you.

    DOUBLE LEDGER
    Jiggers! It’s The Reconciler!!!

    The Reconciler, a man in a black eyes mask like the Lone Ranger, wearing a blue suit and stylish fedora steps out from the shadows.

    THE RECONCILER
    That’s right Double Ledger, and it’s time I liquidated your assets!!!

    BIG CPA
    Nickel, Dime…get him!

    NICKEL and DIME jump up and start circling THE RECONCILER, brandishing sharpened pencils at him. RECONCILER looks at them for a moment, then pulls out a slide rule. They duel furiously, and the RECONCILER loses his slide rule, then catches NICKEL and DIMES pencils, one in each hand, as they lunge at him. With his thumbs, he breaks the tips off their pencils. NICKEL and DIME stare in disbelief as THE RECONCILER wraps them up with a roll of adding machine paper.

    RED INK jumps into the fray.

    RED INK
    Stay back Reconciler! Or you’ll end up….
    (pulls a bottle of red ink out of his pocket)
    …in the red!!!!

    THE RECONCILER
    Do your worst, Red Ink!

    RED INK splashes ink from his bottle all over THE RECONCILER, but it does nothing.

    RED INK
    It…..it can’t be!!!

    THE RECONCILER
    My suit is colored with the ink from a thousand leaking bic sticks! Your red ink will have no effect!

    RED INK
    No!!!! No!!!! It can’t be! Red ink affects eveyone!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!

    RED INK slumps gibbering into the corner.

    BIG CPA
    Double Ledger – hit him with your books!!!

    DOUBLE LEDGER
    I’m an accountant….I’ve never been the physical type.

    DOUBLE LEDGER throws himself out the conference room window.

    THE
    RECONCILER
    It’s just you and me now, Big CPA.

    BIG CPA pulls some papers out from under the table

    BIG CPA
    Wrong Masked Mathematician! It’s you, me, and your tax return from last year!

    THE RECONCILER
    How….how did you get that?

    BIG CPA
    Let’s see….looks like someone took an awfully big deduction for entertainment expenses last year.

    THE RECONCILER
    That’s completely legal – I threw a party thanking the Justice League for letting me to do their taxes. It was a way of getting repeat business which is allowed under 1956 tax law.

    BIG CPA
    Well then, how do you explain this deduction for your super car – the Add-illac?

    THE RECONCILER
    It counts as a government vehicle, since I fight for truth, justice and tax law. Therefore I can write off the entire cost of the vehicle in the year I buy it.

    BIG CPA
    Ahh, but you deducted operating expenses too…that deduction was disallowed in the section 405 amendment!

    THE RECONCILE
    Interesting….you must have learned that in a seminar last year, huh?

    BIG CPA
    Seminar? I haven’t been to a tax seminar in decades!!!! I just read the IRS updates!

    THE RECONCILER
    That’s what I thought…and that means you’re no longer a CPA!

    BIG CPA
    Nooooooo!!!!!! It can’t be!!!!

    THE RECONCILER
    The state requires 10 education hours for each CPA every year, and you haven’t got them! By the authority granted me by the state of Ohio, I revoke your certification…you’re powerless!

    The doors open, several old-style police officers rush in, as well as Martin Palmer, CEO.

    THE RECONCILER
    Take them away boys…and be sure to throw their doctored books at them.

    MARTIN
    Good work Reconciler. How can the Staplelite corporation ever thank you?

    THE RECONCILER
    You’re a CEO Martin, you should never have to thank an accountant. But know that I’ll be out there, searching for better ledger systems, trying to find tools that make it easier for idiots to math, looking for automated self contained systems that do accounting accurately and quickly without socially awkward introverts being involved in the process. And I won’t rest until accountancy is something anyone can do easily, anytime, anywhere, any place!

    THE RECONCILER starts to head out.

    MARTIN
    Uhhh…Reconciler?

    THE RECONCILER
    Yes Martin?

    MARTIN
    My books still need cleaning up….you weren’t going to walk off and just leave them with errors were you?

    THE RECONCILER
    No Martin, I just figured I’d wait until Monday too…

    MARTIN
    Did you have plans over the weekend?

    THE RECONCILER
    Well, no…Wonder Woman is having this party though…

    MARTIN
    Did she invite you?

    THE RECONCILER
    Ummm….no, not verbally or in a written invite but I think….

    MARTIN
    Oh good, then you’re free. Why don’t you get started then, and maybe you’ll be finished in time to crash the party you weren’t invited to. I’ve got a golf game to get to.

    THE RECONCILER
    Ummmm….sure Martin. Whatever you say.

    MARTIN
    You’re a life save Reconciler!

    BLACK OUT

  • FSW: Extremes Attraction

    Reconciliation. This week, I read about the woman on the Texas School Board who thinks Barack Obama is going to open the doors for terrorists. And I saw all three anti-gay amendments pass in state elections, presumably because hearing the word ‘gay’ might make innocent people turn gay. RedState has begun its Operation Leper, so they might throw out all the reasonable voices in the GOP and turn it into a teeny-tiny echo chamber of Sarah Palin and her ilk (and her elk, presumably.)

    And let’s not forget that the President-Elect is a Marxist/Islamist/Radical Black Christian and Dick Cheney planned 9/11. There are crazies all around. Enough crazies to fill a small city (although the right-wing half of them would rather stay in small towns.)

    So I give you this. It’s rough. It needs many, many revisions. And I did NOT pick the craziest of the crazies. But I think it’s not so terrible. Let me know what you think.

    Come back later tonight/this weekend for my on-time wrapup. I’ll have links to the other sketches then. But for now, please enjoy mine. And comment! Comment! Comment!

    Extremes Attraction

    INT. SPACESHIP PASSAGEWAY – PERMANENT NIGHT

    Curved plasteel walls stretch into the distance. The thrum of the Keeslar-Morales drive is just audible. With a WHOOSH, a door slides open and SUB-COMMANDANT BILL O’REILLY enters in his skin-tight utility uniform. He is followed by ARCH-LIEUTENANT MICHELLE MALKIN, sashaying in her skin-tight utilities, unzipped provocatively, exposing cleavage.

    MALKIN

    Sub-commandant! You can’t let them on the ship, they’ll infect us all!

    O’REILLY

    It’s a risk we’ve got to take!

    INT. SPACESHIP TRANSPORTER ROOM – PERMANENT NIGHT

    CHIEF RUSH LIMBAUGH tests the limits of his kevlar-spandex uniform standing at a control panel.

    O’REILLY

    Bring them over, Limby.

    LIMBAUGH

    Aye, Sub-commandant.

    Limbaugh pushes buttons, turns dials, and slides a lever. Twinkling lights and tinkling chimes fill the room and three forms take shape. KEITH-O in a custom tailored suit, JANEANE in hemp clothing cut like potato sacks, and AL FRANKEN in tweed appear.

    MALKIN

    Look out! She’s got a gun under her burka!

    TWO SECURITY OFFICERS appear out of the corners and tackle Janeane.

    MALKIN (CONT’D)

    Good job! She was–

    SECURITY OFFICER #1

    It’s just a hooka, sir.

    MALKIN

    That’s just as bad! She was going to make all our children smoke

    (whispering)

    mar-ee-wan-ah.

    LIMBAUGH

    You’d better let me search her. No telling what other drugs she may be carrying.

    O’REILLY

    Belay yourself, Chief! Doctor Phil tells me you’ve been spending quite enough time in sickbay.

    (beat)

    I’m Sub-commandant O’Reilly of the Earthship John Wayne. Welcome aboard.

    KEITH-O

    You’re a terrible person, O’Reilly. Truly. The. Worst. Person.

    MALKIN

    Maybe we shouldn’t have responded to your distress signal then!

    Janeane and the security guards get up and she gives each of them a little baggie.

    JANEANE

    We responded to yours, you bimbo!

    MALKIN

    Don’t be rid–

    O’REILLY

    –Can it, Michelle! It was our distress signal. I told you that.

    MALKIN

    But you told me–

    O’REILLY

    You have anyone like this?

    AL FRANKEN

    (sighs)

    We’ve got Sharpton.

    O’REILLY

    I’m actually truly sorry.

    (beat)

    Okay, here’s the problem, our jump drive computers are fried.

    KEITH-O

    Don’t you have a backup?

    O’REILLY

    The backup computers are all infected with a virus. Our morale officer, Bennett, installed poker on all of them, but the software was a Trojan Horse. We’re practically drifting. All we’ve got is our Hadron drives for maneuvering. We’re stuck sub-light.

    LIMBAUGH

    We’ve only got six months supply in the mess!

    AL FRANKEN

    (looks at Limbaugh)

    I’d guess only three.

    JANEANE

    What do you want from us, O’Reilly?

    O’REILLY

    Can you send over your Systems Officer to assist with a complete overhaul of our network? Ours isn’t up to the task.

    AL FRANKEN

    Why’s that?

    O’REILLY

    No one properly vetted Ensign Palin. Apparently MIT was not one of the many schools she attended.

    KEITH-O

    We’d like to help, we honestly would–.

    MALKIN

    But you won’t right? Typical. You elites just want to take and take from the hard-working people and–

    KEITH-O

    –but we don’t have a Systems Officer, per se.

    O’REILLY

    What do you mean?

    JANEANE

    We don’t have ranks or titles. Everyone just pitches in on the Gaia. From each according to his abilities…

    AL FRANKEN, JANEANE, KEITH-O

    …to each according to his needs.

    JANEANE

    It works pretty well, other than all those course corrections. Someday it would be nice to reach a planet.

    O’REILLY

    You need to have a clearly defined chain of command.

    AL FRANKEN

    We don’t really believe in that. That’s why it took us an hour to come over. We had to get the crew together and debate who should come. Then we had to debate whether to bring the talking stick or leave it back on the Gaia.

    MALKIN

    (under breath)

    Gay-uh is right.

    Limbaugh snickers like a schoolboy and minces in the background for Malkin’s benefit.

    AL FRANKEN

    I guess we could ask around and see if anyone’s got any experience with this sort of problem.

    INT. SPACESHIP CONFERENCE ROOM – PERMANENT NIGHT

    O’Reilly, Malkin, and the three from the ESS Gaia are joined by JOSEPHINE JONZZ, mid-20s and transgendered, wearing a skimpy dress and JOE WURLZ, late 30s and bald, wearing a gray jumpsuit. O’Reilly frequently leers at JOSEPHINE.

    MALKIN

    Do you have a lot of experience with computer systems?

    JOSEPHINE

    Nah, not really. Sometimes I’d cash out customers at the salon, but I’d usually make a mistake and the owner’d have to come help.

    AL FRANKEN

    It was her or Steve Jobs. Even I don’t hate you enough to do that.

    MALKIN

    Joe, why don’t you take him/her/it down to the computer core.

    JOE

    No.

    O’REILLY

    Are you disobeying a direct order, mister?

    JOE

    Sub-commandant, arch-lieutenant…all due respect, but I can’t work with *that*. Back when I was a Telephone Sanitizer I wouldn’t even have cleaned its phone. Just spit on it when it wasn’t looking.

    JOSEPHINE

    Hey, that’s not nice!

    O’REILLY

    (leering again)

    No, it’s not nice Ms. Jonzz.

    JOSEPHINE

    Josie. You can call me Josie.

    O’REILLY

    And you can call me Papa Bear.

    MALKIN

    Oh, get a room! We’re spinning out of control here.

    A communicator on the table dings and Malkin presses a button.

    MALKIN

    Go ahead.

    TECH (FILTER)

    Arch-lieutenant, the Gaia has docked with us!

    MALKIN

    You see! I told you they were going to come over here and kill us all and introduce Sharia and make us get gay married and take away our guns!!!

    AL FRANKEN

    All at once? How would…never mind.

    JANEANE

    It must be hard to be you.

    O’REILLY

    What’s the meaning of this, Franken?!

    AL FRANKEN

    I have no idea. We never discussed docking.

    TECH (FILTER)

    It appears that our computer systems are back online. They’ve networked with the Gaia’s. There’s–

    A hologram – much like the CNN hologram – shimmers into view. BARACK OBAMA and JOHN MCCAIN stand arm-in-arm.

    OBAMA

    We hope you’re all enjoying your accomodations.

    MCCAIN

    Is Sarah doing well, I hope?

    OBAMA

    You might wonder why we’ve brought you all together.

    MALKIN

    You had nothing to do with it! We take personal responsibility for our actions!

    OBAMA

    (laughs)

    Yes, of course you do, Michelle. Anyway, we brought your ships together so we could say goodbye one last time.

    AL FRANKEN

    What? I don’t understand! I supported you!

    OBAMA

    Yes Al, thank you for that. I know you did. But America needs to come together now, and voices like yours are part of the old, divisive ways.

    MCCAIN

    We don’t have the time or room for any more of the extremes to be tearing the middle apart.

    KEITH-O

    And Senator McCain, sir, do you believe you are in the middle? You are not, sir.

    MCCAIN

    What can I say? I’m a maverick. Always bouncing around. I woke up and realized America needs to move forward, not rightward or leftward.

    O’REILLY

    So the world we were supposed to be colonizing? The one filled with willing slaves?

    MCCAIN

    That was a lie to get you on the John Wayne.

    JANEANE

    And the one we were going to, with universal healthcare and legalized pot and no corporations conspiring against us? That was a lie, too?

    OBAMA

    “Lie” is such an ugly word, Janeane. Let’s just say it was a campaign promise that didn’t come true.

    MCCAIN

    Your ships are now in a decaying orbit around the sun. You have another day before the boys in NASA say the heat will be too much and the hull will vaporize.

    MALKIN

    I thought we were hundreds of light years away!

    OBAMA

    Well, Michelle, perhaps if you had paid a little more attention in your science classes and not believed every silly anti-scientific fantasy that crossed before you, you would know that isn’t possible. And now we’d like to say our goodbyes. Have a pleasant journey and know that your sacrifice is going to make America and the world a better place.

    The hologram cuts out. Silence. The thrum of what clearly are NOT Keeslar-Morales drives is audible.

    Joe the Phone Sanitizer looks at Janeane.

    JOE

    You wanna?

    JANEANE

    Sure.

    Joe and Janeane leave with lust and despair in their eyes. Al Franken nods to Keith-O and Michelle Malkin.

    AL FRANKEN

    Not much time left. Whatdya think?

    The three of them leave the room. Michelle looks like a schoolgirl, giddy with the knowledge that she can drop the act.

    O’REILLY

    (To Josephine)

    Right here on the table works for me.

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: Tricks, Lots of Tricks

    Er, uh. Ken came up with this week’s topic when our readers failed to offer up even one suggestion. But you know what? I’m going to try again. So if you read the sketches but aren’t going to compete, comment here, or on one of the competitor blogs, with your idea for what the theme should be. I’ll pick my favorite and we’ll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to me this time. And if you want to compete, email a link to your sketch to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

    This week I had a lot of trouble. Couldn’t come up with a thing. Until tonight. So I’m cutting it under the wire, and I wish I could give this a polish, but I actually think it’s a pretty cute one. Though again I’m writing kids. Not sure what that’s about. Anyway, hope y’all enjoy. And please, please, please: comment. And pass links along to your friends, countrymen, social networking sites, Roman bath house buddies, whatever.

    Tricks, Lots of Tricks

    EXT. SIDEWALK – DUSK

    Four KIDS, 8-10 years old and in costume, gather under the darkening sky. By costume, there are SPIDERMAN, GHOST, BALLERINA, DINOSAUR.

    SPIDERMAN

    What did you get?

    GHOST

    Two Obama-Biden bumper stickers and this paper.

    (Beat)

    ‘Tortious Acts as a Basis for Jurisdiction in Products Liability Cases: A Completely Original Look’

    DINOSAUR

    Which house?

    GHOST

    The one with the guy dressed up like a Ken doll. Fake hair, face all plastic-y.

    BALLERINA

    He always looks like that. My mom says some people need to let nature take its course.

    DINOSAUR

    I got a butterscotch from that old guy who sits in his rocking chair on his porch all the time.

    GHOST

    Oh, the blue house.

    DINOSAUR

    No, I tried there but the lights were off.

    GHOST

    The red house?

    DINOSAUR

    Off.

    GHOST

    Then–

    DINOSAUR

    –He was in the yellow house.

    BALLERINA

    The one with the pretty red door. I like that house.

    DINOSAUR

    No, the other yellow house. I think he was running from house to house trying to hide, but he wasn’t too fast. I caught him at the sixth house.

    SPIDERMAN

    Good. That house on the hill creeps me out.

    (Opening sack wide)

    Well, my bag’s full!

    DINOSAUR

    No way! That’s good stuff, too! Where?

    SPIDERMAN

    The shack on the corner.

    BALLERINA

    Who lives there?

    SPIDERMAN

    That loud lady who’s always standing outside the Whole Foods with the clipboard. But I don’t know if you guys should go there. My hand’s real sore now.

    (Beat)

    She wouldn’t give me any candy unless I signed a whole bunch of cards. She didn’t care what name I used, but said if I signed fifty of ’em I could fill my bag up with all the candy I could carry.

    BALLERINA

    (Showing bag)

    I got a bunch, too.

    GHOST

    That’s pretty good Where?

    BALLERINA

    The house with the basketball hoop out front. But I don’t think he’s really got any candy.

    DINOSAUR

    What do you mean?

    BALLERINA

    I got to the door the same time as Joey Hanson. He had a lot more candy than me. The guy answered the door and said that wasn’t fair and made him give me half his candy. Joey ran home crying.

    DINOSAUR

    Let’s go try that house.

    The kids walk one house over and up to the door. String lights, multiple pumpkins, and other decorations adorn the yard and porch. Spiderman rings the bell. The doorbell plays Dixie. It opens and a woman dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein – with rimless glasses – answers.

    BRIDE

    Hey there, you kids! Happy Halloween!

    KIDS

    Trick or Treat! Give us something good to eat!

    BRIDE

    Oh, you betcha!

    The Bride reaches into a bowl and pulls out four wrapped items, one for each.

    BRIDE (CONT’D)

    Here you go! Now don’t get into any trouble!

    The Bride closes the door as the kids skip off the porch. Spiderman checks his bag.

    SPIDERMAN

    Eww! Homemade moose jerky!

    BALLERINA

    Hey, isn’t that your brother over there?

    GHOST

    Where?

    BALLERINA

    (Points to distance)

    There.

    GHOST

    He’s not supposed to go over there. He’s going to get in trouble. Mom said to stay out of Russia!

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: Trick or Treat edition

    Happy Halloween Everybody!
    Let’s drop a little sketch into that goody bag shall we? It’s sugar free, but I won’t gurantee it’s razor-blade free. This week’s theme was “Trick or Treat” – and since I offered it up, I tried to get as many variations of tricks, treats and trick-or-treating into the sketch as possible. Theme honors go back to Richard for next week (although I’m sure a good theme suggested in comments would get used as well – so fire away).
    No word from Michael, David or Richard yet….but then again, Richard is sporting a cool-ass Warner Brothers jack-o-lantern, and all I have is a sketch. Updates posted as more goodies get dropped in the blog-bag.
    __________________________________________________________________
    EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – NIGHT
    The front porch of a nice suburban middle class house is all a glow with jack-o-lanterns, fake skeletons, a cauldron belching dry-ice smoke, etc. The sounds of a party come from inside – music, laughter, and people havign a great time. Three kids about 10 years old and in old-school costumes – a ghost, a witch and a devil – run up on the porch excited. They ring the doorbell, and THOM answers.

    KIDS
    Trick or treat!!!

    THOM
    Awwww…look at you guys! You look great! Hold open your bags.

    All the kids do

    THOM (CONT)
    You guys look so great I’m going to give you extra! Two for you, two for you and two for you!

    KIDS
    Thank you!!!

    The kids run off to the next house

    THOM
    You’re very welcome – Happy Halloween!!!

    KIDS (O.S.)
    Happy Halloween!

    THOM closes the door and goes back inside.

    Three adults walk up to the door now, all in long robes. The woman in the middle of the group – IRENE- wears a back satin robe with a white sash around her shoulders. The two on the ends – ZEKE and FLOYD – wear white robes and carry flaming torches.

    They step onto the porch and ring the doorbell too. THOM answers.

    THOM
    Oh…hey it’s Irene, Zeke and Floyd, isn’t it? Wow, you guys are spooky. You must be…

    IRENE immediately pulls out a holy water sprinkler and dowses THOM.

    IRENE
    FOUL DEMON!!! BEGONE!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE!!!

    ZEKE and FLOYD start chanting

    THOM
    Ahhh, my eyes!!! Jesus!

    IRENE lets him have it with the sprinkler again…more chanting ensues

    IRENE
    USE NOT THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN, FOUL BETRAYER OF THE FAITH!!!!

    THOM
    Stop that would you?

    IRENE motions for ZEKE and FLOYD to stop, but she keeps her sprinkler cocked for action. THOM gets the water out of his eyes.

    THOM
    Man that burns…what’s in that thing?

    IRENE
    Holy water, garlic extract and Red Bull.

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    It giveth the Lord’s work wings!

    THOM
    What the heck are you doing?

    IRENE
    We are on a heavenly quest to rid the neighborhood of sinners, and you are a foul betrayer of the Lord!

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    (in unison)
    FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

    IRENE
    You celebrate pagan festivals with heathen rituals!

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

    IRENE
    You lure children to your wicked ways with candy.

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    FOUL BETRAYER!!!

    THOM
    Annnnnndddddd I didn’t invite you and your brothers to my Halloween party.

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    FOUL BETRAYER!!!

    THOM
    That’s what this is really about, isn’t it Irene? The fact that I didn’t invite you to my party?

    IRENE
    No…not at all. We did not want to be invited to your pagan celebration of evil.

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    FOUL CELEBRATION!!!

    THOM
    Irene, I only know you because you run the doggie day-care.

    IRENE
    We are just doing the Lord’s work…to purge our neighborhood of evil.

    THOM
    Look, it’s just a bunch of friends from my law office and some old college buddies. You and your brothers would feel a really out of place.

    IRENE sees the cauldron decoration

    IRENE
    Look…a cauldron. A tool of the witch….yet he is male! HE PROMOTES WITCHCRAFT AND HOMOSEXUALITY!!!

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    FOUL GENDER BETRAYER!!!

    More chanting and holy water

    THOM
    (to IRENE)
    You and your brothers take great care of Mr. Barkley, but I don’t really know you at all. I just see you when I drop him off.

    IRENE
    Summon the rest of the congregation. Tell them to bring torches.

    ZEKE and FLOYD pull cell phones out of their robes and start dialing

    THOM
    No…stop…look, you guys want to come to my party, come on in. There’s plenty of beer….oh, you’re religious so, we have…

    ZEKE
    Any vodka?

    THOM
    Grey Goose.

    FLOYD
    Elitist

    THOM
    I’ll get whatever vodka you want. Come on….it’ll Be fun. We’ll discuss bible verses, your favorite plague, whatever makes you happy!

    IRENE
    NO!!! No compromises evil one – the Lord’s justice must be done here. Zeke, Floyd, burn the evil one’s dwelling to the ground …silence his tongue lest his ravings make us mad!

    ZEKE and FLOYD move to set fire to the house. LESLIE (dressed as a sexy angel) and RACHEL (as a sexy devil) come to through the door behind THOM. ZEKE and FLOYD stop in their tracks.

    LESLIE
    Thom, what’s taking so long? We’re holding up the Twister match for you.

    RACHEL
    (looking at ZEKE and FLOYD)
    What about you two? Wanna play? Twister is better when there’s a whole bunch of people, all tangled together and rubbing against one another. Hehehe!

    ZEKE and FLOYD look at each other, then start to walk into THOM’s house. THOM stops them.

    THOM
    Guys
    , no torches in the house.

    FLOYD and ZEKE look at one another, then the torches, then at the girls. They dump their torches in the cauldron, and go into the house while the torches extinguish with a sizzle.

    IRENE watches them go, downtrodden.

    THOM
    Irene, come on in. We’ll just forget this ever happened.

    IRENE
    NEVER! I must carry the burden of the Lord’s work myself!

    IRENE starts sprinkling the house

    IRENE
    THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU – FOUL DEMONS OUT!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU – FOUL DEMONS OUT!!!

    PAT, an extremely butch looking woman in a flannel shirt comes out of the front door.

    PAT
    Hey Thom, it was really nice of you to invite me to your party, m but I feel awkward around all your law office buddies and college friends. I mean I’m just your mechanic and…

    IRENE and PAT lock eyes.

    PAT
    Nice robes.

    IRENE
    Thanks. I was performing cleansing rites on this house.

    PAT
    Thom’s not evil….just shallow. But I know some really evil people over on Green Terrace Drive. Wanna go burn their house down?

    IRENE
    Love to!

    IRENE and PAT talk as they exit

    PAT
    Is that the Sprinklemaster deluxe Holy Water Sprinkler from Cleanse Co?

    IRENE
    Yes, and I got the power sprayer attachment for cleansing entire office buildings too.

    PAT
    Nice

    LESLIE shouts from offstage in the house.

    LESLIE
    Hey Thom! Zeke and Floyd are purifying the Twister mat so we can play naked.

    THOM
    Coming!!!

    BLACK OUT

  • Doctor Dennis Peterman

    (The Annual Mad Scientist Convention. DOCTOR ATROCITY is standing at a podium. He is accompanied by a drooling alligator/human hybrid in chains, who glares at the assembled audience of mad scientists. DOCTOR ATROCITY reads off note cards.)

    DOCTOR ATROCITY
    Therefore, you collective of sniveling puppets! Heed well my coming vengeance! Courtesy of my army of leidyosuccubi, you will soon unleash anguished cries you had no idea you were capable of!
    (He flips to the next note card.)
    The fortunate among you shall die quickly. And make no mistake – none of you shall die quickly! Thank you.

    (The assembled SCIENTISTS applaud heartily as DOCTOR ATROCITY leads his creature offstage. DOCTOR GERYON, MPhD enters.)

    DOCTOR GERYON
    Thank you, Doctor Atrocity. And now the final speaker at the 178th Annual Mad Scientist Convention, Doctor Dennis Peterman.

    (DENNIS takes the stage to a smattering of unenthusiastic applause. He carries an easel with a tablecloth draped over it.)

    DENNIS
    Thank you. It’s good to see so many familiar faces. Um. Hold on.
    (He sets up the easel and adjusts the height of the microphone.)
    Sorry. Okay. Ahem. In this era of so-called “convenience” meals, when everyone is “on-the-go,” what we need is a utensil that combines the cradling powers of a spoon with the piercing powers of a fork. Gentlemen, I present to you the most recent diabolical abomination from the labs of Doctor Dennis Peterman, the Spork!

    (With a flourish, DENNIS pulls the tablecloth off the easel, revealing a highly technical blueprint of a spork. DENNIS gazes triumphantly at his audience. The audience is silent. Pause. Eventually, various SCIENTISTS begin speaking from the crowd.)

    DOCTOR MALEFICARUM
    Can it be used as a weapon?

    (DENNIS is taken aback by the question for a moment.)

    DENNIS
    If you mean a weapon against inconvenience and waste, then definitely! Ha, ha!
    (Silence.)
    I suppose, if it were made out of metal. By and large, I envision them being made out of plastic. But even so, I believe a more conventional fork would probably serve your purposes better.

    DOKTOR KOBOLD
    What if it were made out of Asarium?

    DENNIS
    I’m sorry, “Asarium”?

    DOKTOR KOBOLD
    The radioactive mineral. It melts people from the inside. I introduced it at last year’s convention, and you all laughed!

    DOCTOR RANTOUL
    Oh for Pete’s sake, Doktor Kobold, enough with the Asarium.

    DOKTOR KOBOLD
    You shall pay for your impertinence!

    DENNIS
    Gentlemen, please. It’s really only designed for eating. In field tests, it has proved very useful. And that’s that. Thank you.

    (A brief smattering of applause as DENNIS gathers his things and exits.)

    (CUT TO: an office. DOCTOR GERYON sits behind a desk, talking to DENNIS.)

    DOCTOR GERYON
    I suppose I’m wondering if you really feel you fit in here, Dennis.

    DENNIS
    Certainly! I mean, I’ll never be the most popular person in the Guild, but I feel I play my part.

    DOCTOR GERYON
    It’s just that you don’t seem to exhibit the myopia, the megalomania, the idée fixe that are part and parcel of the mad scientist credo. You’re not angry at the world.

    DENNIS
    Oh.
    (pause)
    I thought it was “mad” like “crazy.”

    DOCTOR GERYON
    Well, no, it is. But besides that, you need to have some kind of grudge against society. Do you have any past slight, real or imagined, that you might fetishize?

    DENNIS
    No. Well. I hate waiting in line for things. Like, real long lines at the post office.

    (DOCTOR GERYON grimaces and sighs.)

    DOCTOR GERYON
    I’ll give you an example: Doctor Rantoul. Let’s face it, he’s not half the scientist you are. But the guy is relentlessly fixated on the time twenty years ago when a handsome museum curator spilled coffee on a Beelzebufo ampinga fossil he was preparing for a diorama. He has spent the last two decades trying to create an army of carnivorous toads. He has not come close to succeeding, but his obsession carries a lot of weight here.

    DENNIS
    I don’t have anything like that, no.

    DOCTOR GERYON
    Do you have a slavish sidekick?

    DENNIS
    Well, there’s Jeanette.

    DOCTOR GERYON
    Okay, let’s talk about Jeanette.

    DENNIS
    She’s a grad student. She’s very competent.

    DOCTOR GERYON
    But is she a vile wretch, willing to unquestioningly carry out your most dangerous and thankless tasks?

    DENNIS
    Well no. In fact, I’m going to lose her in the fall; she just got hired at M.I.T.

    DOCTOR GERYON
    I see.
    (He absently takes a marble-sized pellet out of the pocket of his lab coat. He rolls it around in his hand during the following.)
    I’m going to suggest that you take a little break. Get some distance from the Guild and clear your mind. Ask yourself if you are willing to take on the extra fury to pursue a career in the mad sciences or if a more conventional route might be more rewarding to you. Okay?

    DENNIS
    Am I being kicked out?

    DOCTOR GERYON
    Dennis. When we kick people out of the Guild, they know it. I’m suggesting a hiatus.

    DENNIS (glumly)
    Okay.

    (DOCTOR GERYON stands and offers his hand. DENNIS shakes it.)

    DOCTOR GERYON
    Thank you for your work. And perhaps I’ll hear from you again in a year?

    DENNIS
    All right. So long, then.

    (DOCTOR GERYON casually flips the pellet to the floor, and it explodes in a burst of smoke. When it clears, he has vanished. DENNIS sits, dejected, for several moments. The door opens and DOCTOR GERYON pokes his head back into the room.)

    DOCTOR GERYON
    It’s nothing personal, Dennis. I want to stress that. Maybe one day you will snap.

    DENNIS
    Thank you.

    DOCTOR GERYON
    Farewell.

    (DOCTOR GERYON drops another smoke pellet and vanishes again.)

    DENNIS (softly, to himself)
    I’ll show them. I’ll show them all.
    (He dials his cell phone.)
    Hello, Jeanette? It’s Dennis. Oh, it went… Well, it went terribly, if you must know. That is why I have an assignment for you. I would like you to come to the Hyatt and let the air out of every car in the parking lot… No, I’m not kidding. They’ll pay. Every last one of them… I suppose you’re right. Okay. I’ll sleep on it… Thank you, Jeanette. You’re the best.

    (DENNIS hangs up and slouches in his chair.)

  • FSW: Mad Scientist edition

    Welcome to…..FRIDAY SKETCH WAR – MAD SCIENTIST EDITION!!!! BWAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    (if you were expecting subtle dignity with a theme like Mad Scientist, you are out of your freakin’ mind!!!).

    It’s been a crazy week, so what better way to polish it off than with a Mad Scientist sketch. No word from Michael or Dave yet, but Richard was up bright and early posting his sketch about having friends for dinner. I’ll post updates as more creations rise from the slab.

    Richard’s also kicked off an excellent idea for getting next weeks theme. If you read the sketches but aren’t going to compete, comment on Richard’s sketch (or mine) with your idea for what the theme should be. Richard will pick a favorite and we’ll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to yours truly.

    UPDATE: Looks like we had a suggestion shortage for this week, so theme duties land in my court….therefore our theme for this week is:

    Trick OR Treat
    (yup….an option scenes incolve a trick, a treat, or both….have at it gents!)
    __________________________________________________________

    INT. MAD SCIENTISTS LAB
    The lab is dimly lit with pools of light falling into near pitch black. Bottles and test tubes filled with glowing liquids are everywhere, Bunsen burners burn, devices that emit loud bright sparks burn and pop, vapors seem to spew from everywhere. DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN, who has a bushy wild mess of white hair and wears a lab coat, long oversized black rubber gloves, and goggles. He moves back and forth between devices and beakers, cackling madly with a heavy Germanic accent. He pours one liquid into another, watches it change color, and then let’s loose the loudest most manic cackle of all.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    (with a German accent)
    IT WORKS!!! AT LONG LAST!!! THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE, BUT I’LL SHOW THEM ALL WHEN I…

    JANET walks in from a small door on the side, flips a light switch and bathes the whole lab in warm overhead incandescent light.

    JANET
    Dr. Heiglschwein – Mrs. Davidson, your 3:30 appointment, is here. Should I send her in?

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN puts down his beakers and pulls his goggles up.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Sure Janet. I was just finishing up. Send her in.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes to his desk. JANET ushers in MRS. DAVIDSON, an average looking middle-aged woman, wearing a little too much makeup. JANET then hands the DR. a manila file folder. The DR. offers his hand across the desk

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Mrs. Davidson, welcome. I’ve never seen you before, have I?

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    No, I’m a referral. Dr. Loudon is my GP.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Ahhhhhhhh….My old nemesis, Dr. Ronald Loudon!!! I’ve never forgiven him for defeating my army of mutated eels right before…

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Look, can we cut the crap and get things moving?

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Sorry Mrs. Davidson…just reminiscing.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Well, I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I’m a little fed up right now. I’ve been through 2 doctors, and it took me forever to get referred to a Mad Scientist, since insurance classifies you people as specialists. Then I had to make sure Blue Cross pre-approved me – it’s been a nightmare.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Red tape….always red tape. How may I be of service Mrs. Davidson?

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    It’s my husband, Walter. He’s dead.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    I see…and how long has he been dead?

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Almost a month. He’d been dead less than 24 hours when I first took him in…god damn HMO’s.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Is he here today?

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Yes, he’s in the lobby.

    The DR. presses a button on his desk intercom

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    (into intercom)
    Janet, show Mr. Davidson in.

    JANET
    (over intercom)
    Right away doctor.

    The DR. starts looking through the file. The door opens and Janet pushes a coffin through to the middle of the room. JANET looks the wheels on the coffin’s trolley and exits again. The DR. and MRS DAVIDSON walk over to the coffin. The DR opens the coffin, pulls Mr. Davidson’s stiff arm from the coffin, and checks his pulse.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Yessssss, he is dead. What did he die of?

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Who knows. He always put off going to the doctor. I kept telling him “some day you’re going to put it off until it’s too late”, but did he listen to me?
    (to Mr. Davidson)
    NOW LOOK AT YOU WALTER!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!!

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Ummmmm…., so well preserved, so many possibilities. The things I could do with his corpse. I could…

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Look, just bring him back to life, okay? That’s all I’ve got approval from Blue Cross for.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    But there is so much more I could do Mrs. Davidson. Merge his DNA with that of a killer shark, use a nuclear isotope to mutate him into a lethal agent of darkness, implant electrodes into his skull that would make him…

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    STOP! Just stop right there!!! You blood-sucking doctors are all alike – let’s check this, let’s try that, blah, blah, blah. Look, I had him in bed for a month, gave him extra fluids, chicken soup, vitamins, steamed up the bathroom and sat him in there for 30 minutes every few days – bupkis! I even tried some of those herbal supplements – none of it made him come back to life. I did everything I could think of not to bring him to a doctor, because everytime I do you shysters just run up the expenses on me. Then my health insurance hits me with a big list of what they won’t cover, and I get stuck with a huge bill. So just bring him back to life, or give me a prescription to bring him back to life, and we’ll be out of your hair, okay?

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    But without extreme measures Mrs. Davidson, bringing him back to life could have side effects.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    For instance?

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Violent mood swings, cravings for human flesh and brains, irrational fear of fire, things like that.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Those don’t sound to bad to me. We have natural gas logs in the fireplace, and any emotion he shows towards me would be a step up, if you get my drift.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Mrs. Davidson, I am legally required to do everything I can to prevent side effects like that. I don’t want you coming back and suing me for malpractice…

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Oh geez…those blood-sucking lawyers are worse than you god damn doctors.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    …and the state could revoke my accreditation if he starts terrorizing the country side.

    MRS. DAVIDSON pauses and thinks for a minute, looks around to make sure no one’s watching, then leans in very close across the desk.

    MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
    Look, Dr. Heiglschwein, isn’t there some way we can get around all those legal requirements? Maybe there’s something I have that you want badly enough to trade me for this itty-bitty favor? Hmmmmmm???

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN thinks for a moment….

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    How attached are you to…..his brain?

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Not very….Walter was never a great thinker.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Well, I might be willing to sidestep a few precautions if you allowed me to keep his brain….and signed this waver.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN pulls a document from a desk drawer and pushes it across to MRS. DAVIDSON. He pulls a pen out of the breast pocket of his lab coat, clicks it loudly in the silence and sets it down for her to sign.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    (picking up the pen)
    Thank you Doctor, you’re a life saver. Done and done

    MRS. DAVIDSON starts signing the waver as DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes back, grabs a power saw goes over to the coffin. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN’s hands are in the coffin so we can’t see them, but we hear a power saw cutting through something, with a few wet sounds tossed in. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN sets the power saw down on a bench and pulls a brain out of the coffin. He sets it in a glass jar on the bench as MRS. DAVIDSON comes over.

    Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN plugs several cables and tubes into the corpse turns several dials and pushes several buttons. He finally pulls a large blade switch on a wall. The lights go dark, sparks light up everywhere, liquids bubble, lightning crashes, etc. When the Dr. pushes the switch back up, smoke is rising from the coffin. A loud grunt is heard, and a hand punches through the side of the coffin. WALTER, who has a large scar across his forehead sits up, rips the rest of the side off the coffin, then stands. He has a very large and obvious erection in his pants. He sees MRS. DAVIDSON and grunts in anger as he goes to strangle her, arms outstretched.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Oh knock it off Walter.

    WALTER stops dead in his tracks, dejected and compliant. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN comes over, checks WALTER’S heart with a stethoscope.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    He lives!!!

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    I see that.
    (pointing to Walter’s giant erection)
    What’s going on with that?

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Oh….a side effect. It often occurs when someone has had rigor mortis too long.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    It will eventually go away, right?

    Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN nods no. MRS DAVIDSON thinks this over, and comes to the happy conclusion this might have it’s benefits.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    (to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
    Oh you are good.
    (to WALTER)
    Walter, we’re going home, right now – get in the car

    WALTER frankenstein-walks out the door, his erection leading the way

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    (back to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
    Thank you Doctor. All my girlfriends are going to hear about you!

    WALTER grunts excitedly offstage.

    MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
    (to WALTER)
    Walter that’s a hydrangea – stop that!!!
    (smiling, to the DOCTOR)
    He was never this frisky before!
    (Back to WALTER as she exits)
    I’m coming Walter…let’s go home.

    FADE TO BLACK

  • FSW: Dinner at Doctor Eskatos’

    Let’s have a little change of pace for next week. If you read the sketches but aren’t going to compete, comment here with your idea for what the theme should be. I’ll pick my favorite and we’ll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to Ken. And if you want to compete, email a link to your sketch to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

    But that’s next week. This week’s theme, Mad Scientist, was selected by Michael. Of course, I was going to give you a beautiful musical about a misunderstood mad scientist in love with a sweet girl, but that bastard Whedon stole my idea from me! He’ll be hearing from my lawyers! Instead, I give you…

    FSW: Dinner at Doctor Eskatos’

    INT. CAR – NIGHT

    CURT, late 20s in sport coat and oxford, drives. Beside him is his wife PAM, late 20s and fashionably dressed. Her sister GINNY, mid-30s on the verge of old-maid hood, sits in back with her hands clasped on her lap.

    PAM

    How much further?

    CURT

    It’s right up ahead

    PAM

    You weren’t kidding when you said he lived outside city limits.

    CURT

    He likes his space, I guess. How are you doing back there, Ginny? You’ve been awfully quiet.

    GINNY

    Hmm? Oh, I’m good. Just working through some tensor products.

    Pam rolls her eyes. Curt turns to her befuddled.

    PAM

    Ginny does linear algebra in her head when she’s nervous.

    GINNY

    I’m not nervous.

    CURT

    I flunked pre-algebra twice.

    (beat)

    We’re here.

    Curt stops the car and the three get out. They walk up to the front door or a neat, well-kept bungalow. As soon as Curt presses the bell, the door opens, revealing IVAR, a short, slightly hunchbacked nebbish.

    IVAR

    Master is expecting you. Come in.

    INT. BUNGALOW – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

    The guests enter the cozy home and Ivar closes the door behind them. He points them to the living room where DOCTOR ESKATOS – 40s, lean, unruly cloud of hair, wearing a long white lab coat – sits perfectly upright. His body carves out exact 90-degree angles in his floral couch. Matching the couch, the decor of the house is early-grandmother.

    IVAR

    Master, your guests.

    ESKATOS

    Yes, yes, Ivar. I can see that. Please go see to our meal.

    Ivar exits through a swinging door to the kitchen. Eskatos rises and crosses to the visitors. He extends his hand to Curt.

    ESKATOS

    Curt, I’m so glad you could make it.

    CURT

    Thanks, Doctor Eskatos. I was honored you asked. This is my wife, Pam.

    ESKATOS

    (shaking hands)

    Pam, nice to meet you. Your husband speaks very highly of you.

    PAM

    Thank you. He says…things about you, too. This is–

    ESKATOS

    –Your sister Ginny, I presume.

    Eskatos clasps Ginny’s hand and shakes it too hard and too long. But Ginny doesn’t seem to notice. He lets go and gestures to sit. The door to the kitchen swings open and a tray of drinks enters the room, carried by IGOR, who looks exactly like his brother. The drinks are proffered.

    CURT

    Oh, that’s perfect. I’m parched. Thanks, Ivar.

    IGOR

    Igor.

    CURT

    I thought your name was Ivar?

    IGOR

    Igor.

    Igor turns to Eskatos and spills the last drink on him.

    ESKATOS

    Clumsy oaf!

    IGOR

    I’m sorry, master. Let me get you another!

    Igor rushes out of the room leaving Eskatos to clean himself up.

    PAM

    He seems a little…

    (whispering)

    is there something wrong with him?

    ESKATOS

    (yelling)

    His mother was a scallion!

    GINNY

    Scullion.

    ESKATOS

    What?

    GINNY

    Scullion. You said ‘scallion’, but you meant ‘scullion’. I’m something of a wordy.

    Curt and Pam look at each other, horrified.

    ESKATOS

    I said what I meant. His mother was a scallion. He and his brothers were some of my first experiments with human-vegetable hybrids.

    The door swings open. Igor rushes back with a towel and another drink.

    ESKATOS (CONT’D)

    (dripping with disdain)

    As you can see, the experiment was not a success.

    The door swings open again and the third brother, BRYCE, enters with a cheese plate.

    BRYCE

    Master, we were out of the crackers you like, so I toasted some bagel chips.

    ESKATOS

    Yes. Fine. Whatever, Bryce. Leave us! Both of you!

    Bryce and Igor scurry out. The door swings open again and Ivar starts to walk in, but his brothers’ hands grab him and pull him back into the kitchen.

    PAM

    Doctor Eskatos, Ginny is working on her PhD, too.

    ESKATOS

    Oh really? That’s fascinating. What is your field of interest?

    GINNY

    High energy physics.

    ESKATOS

    Fascinating.

    PAM

    Maybe Doctor Eskatos would like to hear about your thesis.

    GINNY

    Oh, I don’t want to bore him with that.

    ESKATOS

    Nonsense! I’d love to hear about it.

    The door swings open again. Ivar (or maybe one of his brothers, who can be sure?) sidles in and takes the untouched cheese plate. He also picks up the unfinished drinks and carries them out on a tray.

    ESKATOS (CONT’D)

    It’s so difficult to grow good help these days. I should have used cauliflower. How much better things would be had I used cauliflower.

    The door swings open again and two of the brothers try to walk through at the same time, jamming against the jamb. Finally, they figure out how to enter. Igor carries another tray of drinks.

    BRYCE

    Master, the lamb will be ready in 30 minutes.

    Igor spills the drinks on Eskatos again.

    ESKATOS

    Aaargh! You imbecile! I should have chopped your mother up for garnish before you were ever born!

    IGOR

    Master, I’m sorry. Let me help you.

    ESKATOS

    You’ve done more than enough!

    Eskatos takes out a PDA and taps it for a moment. There is a bright flash of light and a puff of smoke appears as Igor screams in pain and runs around the room. He is singed and smoking. Bryce runs to the kitchen. Curt and Pam stare in shock.

    < p class="character">CURT

    What was that?

    ESKATOS

    This? Death ray.

    PAM

    He’s not dead.

    CURT

    (to Pam)

    Pam, let’s not upset the doctor, please.

    ESKATOS

    No Curt, she’s right. He’s not dead. Not even a little.

    Igor, the top of his head stil smoking, grabs a drink and douses the embers.

    ESKATOS (CONT’D)

    Like all my other inventions, my orbital death ray is a failure.

    CURT

    Orbital?

    ESKATOS

    Yes. I have a series of satellites in polar orbit. I can target any location on the planet. But to what end? Look at that! Death ray, indeed.

    GINNY

    Microwaves?

    ESKATOS

    Of course.

    GINNY

    Have you considered crossing unsynched beams with tachyon pulses to set up–

    ESKATOS

    –To set up Frakes-Francis interference! Of course! How did I not think of it before. Igor!

    The door swings open. Igor resists entering, but his brothers’ hands shove him back into the room.

    IGOR

    Yes, master?

    ESKATOS

    Bring me the lamb!

    IGOR

    But master, it is not finished yet.

    ESKATOS

    And I plan to remedy that.

    Igor exits as Eskatos takes his PDA and frantically taps.

    CURT

    This is fun, huh?

    Igor returns with the lamb on a platter. He looks nervous as he sets it down on the table and takes several steps away from it. Eskatos points the PDA at the lamb and taps it once. A bright flash, a puff of smoke, and Igor is gone.

    ESKATOS

    Huh. Must not have accounted for the Wheaton drift. I never was any good at linear algebra.

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: Best Friends

    Ever so sorry to have come up with this idjotic theme. Sadly, *this* was probably the best effort I was going to be able to produce. I went back to the well, sort of, and then let the spirit of Our Gang take over. I hope it doesn’t make y’all gag.

    Michael’s back on the grid and has already selected next week’s theme: Mad Scientist.

    As usual, if you want to play along with us, email a link to your entry to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

    Best Friends

    INT: CLUBHOUSE – DAY

    JOHN, a stocky white boy in shorts and a too-tight button-up shirt sits at the front table. BARRY, a long lean black kid wearing a black suit, white shirt, and bow tie, sits next to his left. JOE, a skinny, nondescript white kid, sits to his right. A handful of other boys sit facing front. John bangs a gavel.

    JOHN

    I now bring this meeting of the He-Man Woman-Hater’s Club to order. Would the secretary please read the minutes from our last meeting?

    BARRY

    Freddy complained that we were all talking too much during his nap time and we took a vote. 8-2 in favor of making Freddy nap up in the old tree fort with one abstention.

    JOHN

    Who abstained?

    BARRY

    Freddy. He dozed off while we were talking about it.

    (Beat)

    Then the defense committee reported on the treaty negotiations with Cub Scout Troupe 163. They were at an impasse over access rights to cross 13th Street to get to Gargantuan Comics.

    (Beat)

    And Teddy asked for our help getting his sister’s doll out of Becker’s stream where it sank after he crashed his bike trying to jump the old footbridge.

    JOE

    I still don’t understand why he had the doll with him.

    JOHN

    Alright, let’s hear from the defense committee first.

    THREE BOYS stand up. They’re dirty and scuffed up. One of them with a black eye, another with a fat lip. HARRY – skinny, blond, bespectacled – steps forward.

    HARRY

    They whipped us good. Cheaters. Tommy Monahan’s sister Rosie came with ’em. We didn’t stand a chance.

    JOE

    (Anxious)

    Are you alright?

    HARRY

    Yeah, but when my mom catches sight of me she’s gonna have a fit.

    JOE

    No, I mean are you alright?

    Barry and John turn to each other and roll their eyes.

    HARRY

    Oh, oh! Yeah, heck! I forgot!

    Harry turns to the other two boys, both a little younger than he, and inoculates them.

    HARRY (CONT’D)

    (To the first boy)

    Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you’ve got the cootie shot.

    (and the other)

    Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you’ve got the cootie shot.

    JOE

    Harry, you’d better get yourself taken care of too before you spread ’em.

    HARRY

    Yeah. Billy, can you give me the shot?

    BILLY gets up. He’s thin, with brown hair and a drawl like sweet tea on a summer’s day.

    BILLY

    Can do, Harry.

    They leave the clubhouse.

    JOE

    Guys, you’ve gotta be more careful. We don’t want another outbreak like last spring.

    All the boys look up and to their left. The screen wavers and chimes play…

    INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

    Title: Last Spring

    Barry stands in front of the class, singing. HILLARY watches with stars in her eyes.

    BARRY

    (Singing)

    You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
    You make me happy, when skies are gray
    You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
    Please don’t take my sunshine away.

    John looks on with a squint. Barry returns to his desk, right next to Hillary’s. John gives him the ol’ stinkeye as he passes.

    HILARY

    Ooooh, Barry. That was dreamy!

    The screen wavers and chimes play again…

    INT. CLUBHOUSE – DAY

    Title: Today

    Everyone shakes their heads and gets out of flashback mode. Barry turns to John and extends his hand…

    BARRY

    Brothers forever, pal. No broad’s going to come between us again.

    JOHN

    (Shaking hands)

    And how!

    The door to the clubhouse opens. The defense committee comes back in, surrounding a girl! SARAH wears her brown hair in pigtails and the cutest little glasses. She carries a bb gun. All the boys in the clubhouse go nuts!

    JOHN

    (Banging his gavel)

    Order! Order! What’s she doing in here?

    HARRY

    We caught her spying outside.

    BARRY

    Is that true?

    SARAH

    Oh yeah, you betcha! I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, don’tcha know, so I scurried over here quick as a jackrabbit in deer season to peek through the knot hole. You boys sure like talkin’ don’tcha?

    JOE

    Girl! Girl!

    Joe gets up and starts running around like a headless chicken…until he bounces right off a wall and falls straight on his backside to the SOUND FX of little birds chirping.

    JOHN

    There are no girls allowed in here, Sarah. This is the He-Man Woman-Hater’s Club.

    SARAH

    Oh John! You get so cute when you’re all flustered-like. Your cheeks get red as fresh venison and you huff and puff like a little choo-choo train! You’re so cute, I could just kiss ya!

    John’s eyes bug out. Barry’s bow tie spins around as he stands gape-jawed.

    BARRY

    Well, now, Sarah. As you can surely deduce from the heretofore mentioned name, we have something of a exclusion policy with regard to persons of your gender–

    SARAH

    –There you go again! Gettin’ all uppity and high-falutin’ with your private school readin’ and vocab-uh-lary. Why’n’t you just talk like regular folks?

    JOHN

    Sarah, is that an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB gun with a compass in the stock?

    SARAH

    It sure is, cutie-pie!

    BARRY

    Really, I must protest. Sarah just doesn’t belong here. We’ve still got club business to discuss.

    JOHN

    I could not disagree more. I think she brings a breath of fresh air to the place.

    Sarah winks at John.

    BARRY

    Oh boy. Here we go again.

    BLACKOUT

  • Best Friends

    (A hospital room. GLEN and ADAM, mid-thirties, are in neighboring beds. They are wearing hospital gowns. GLEN is awake, reading a magazine. ADAM is asleep. After a few moments, ADAM wakes up and groans.)

    GLEN
    Well good morning!

    ADAM (groggy)
    Glen. Hey.

    GLEN
    The operation was a success.

    ADAM
    Oh, that’s great. How are you feeling?

    GLEN
    Great! How are you doing?

    (pause)

    ADAM
    I’m really out of it.

    GLEN
    That sounds about right.
    (pause)
    Hey, Adam, I know I can never convey to you how much I appreciate this –

    ADAM
    Oh, no, seriously. There’s no need to mention it.

    GLEN
    Well, no, I think there is. You gave me a kidney. That’s huge.

    ADAM
    I was a match. What kind of friend would I be if I said no?

    GLEN
    No, Adam. It was above and beyond.

    (pause)

    ADAM
    Well, you’re welcome.

    (A moment passes. The two men have been rendered bashful by the level of warmth and intimacy. Finally, simultaneously, they reach between the beds and do a manly fist-bump.)

    GLEN
    Awesome.

    ADAM
    You’re looking really well.

    GLEN
    Yeah! I feel great.

    ADAM
    When will they know if your body accepts the kidney?

    GLEN
    I guess a kidney from a live donor starts working pretty much immediately, and it gets fully functional in three to five days. So, I guess three to five days after I have it implanted.

    (pause)

    ADAM
    Sorry?

    GLEN
    Once they put the kidney in me, three to five days later it should be fully functioning, if all goes well.

    ADAM
    They didn’t put it in you yet?

    GLEN
    No, I thought it would be best to wait until I need it.

    (pause)

    ADAM
    When will you need it?

    GLEN
    Who knows? But I feel great knowing it’s there. I feel prepared. Again, thank you.

    (GLEN picks up a jar from the floor and sets it on the bedside table. In it, a kidney is suspended in cloudy liquid.)

    ADAM
    I thought you needed it right away!

    GLEN
    No!
    (GLEN knocks on wood.)

    ADAM
    You son of a bitch! I thought it was a matter of life or death! You’re just keeping it aside in case you need it someday?

    GLEN
    What the hell, man? If you offer me half of your Twix bar, you’re not going to be pissed off if I don’t eat it right away.

    (pause)

    ADAM
    No.

    GLEN
    I mean, we’re friends! We’ve known each other for fourteen years! I’ve been lying here, bored out of my skull for hours, just so I could be here in person when you regained consciousness. And I fucking hate hospitals, dude.

    (pause)

    ADAM
    Thank you.

    GLEN
    Look, you’re welcome. You don’t have to thank me. It’s the least I could do.
    (pause)
    I’m gonna go get a Twix bar. You want anything?

    (pause)

    ADAM
    Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

    GLEN
    Sure thing. And Adam. Don’t even think about going for your wallet. It’s on me.

    (GLEN exits. ADAM lies in bed, silent. He glances over at the jar with the kidney in it. Idly, he reaches out and flicks it with his finger. He turns over and begins to drift back to sleep.)