The front porch of a nice suburban middle class house is all a glow with jack-o-lanterns, fake skeletons, a cauldron belching dry-ice smoke, etc. The sounds of a party come from inside – music, laughter, and people havign a great time. Three kids about 10 years old and in old-school costumes – a ghost, a witch and a devil – run up on the porch excited. They ring the doorbell, and THOM answers.
KIDS
Trick or treat!!!
THOM
Awwww…look at you guys! You look great! Hold open your bags.
All the kids do
THOM (CONT)
You guys look so great I’m going to give you extra! Two for you, two for you and two for you!
KIDS
Thank you!!!
The kids run off to the next house
THOM
You’re very welcome – Happy Halloween!!!
KIDS (O.S.)
Happy Halloween!
THOM closes the door and goes back inside.
Three adults walk up to the door now, all in long robes. The woman in the middle of the group – IRENE- wears a back satin robe with a white sash around her shoulders. The two on the ends – ZEKE and FLOYD – wear white robes and carry flaming torches.
They step onto the porch and ring the doorbell too. THOM answers.
THOM
Oh…hey it’s Irene, Zeke and Floyd, isn’t it? Wow, you guys are spooky. You must be…
IRENE immediately pulls out a holy water sprinkler and dowses THOM.
IRENE
FOUL DEMON!!! BEGONE!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE!!!
ZEKE and FLOYD start chanting
THOM
Ahhh, my eyes!!! Jesus!
IRENE lets him have it with the sprinkler again…more chanting ensues
IRENE
USE NOT THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN, FOUL BETRAYER OF THE FAITH!!!!
THOM
Stop that would you?
IRENE motions for ZEKE and FLOYD to stop, but she keeps her sprinkler cocked for action. THOM gets the water out of his eyes.
THOM
Man that burns…what’s in that thing?
IRENE
Holy water, garlic extract and Red Bull.
FLOYD AND ZEKE
It giveth the Lord’s work wings!
THOM
What the heck are you doing?
IRENE
We are on a heavenly quest to rid the neighborhood of sinners, and you are a foul betrayer of the Lord!
FLOYD AND ZEKE
(in unison)
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!
IRENE
You celebrate pagan festivals with heathen rituals!
FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!
IRENE
You lure children to your wicked ways with candy.
FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!
THOM
Annnnnndddddd I didn’t invite you and your brothers to my Halloween party.
FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!
THOM
That’s what this is really about, isn’t it Irene? The fact that I didn’t invite you to my party?
IRENE
No…not at all. We did not want to be invited to your pagan celebration of evil.
FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL CELEBRATION!!!
THOM
Irene, I only know you because you run the doggie day-care.
IRENE
We are just doing the Lord’s work…to purge our neighborhood of evil.
THOM
Look, it’s just a bunch of friends from my law office and some old college buddies. You and your brothers would feel a really out of place.
IRENE sees the cauldron decoration
IRENE
Look…a cauldron. A tool of the witch….yet he is male! HE PROMOTES WITCHCRAFT AND HOMOSEXUALITY!!!
FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL GENDER BETRAYER!!!
More chanting and holy water
THOM
(to IRENE)
You and your brothers take great care of Mr. Barkley, but I don’t really know you at all. I just see you when I drop him off.
IRENE
Summon the rest of the congregation. Tell them to bring torches.
ZEKE and FLOYD pull cell phones out of their robes and start dialing
THOM
No…stop…look, you guys want to come to my party, come on in. There’s plenty of beer….oh, you’re religious so, we have…
ZEKE
Any vodka?
THOM
Grey Goose.
FLOYD
Elitist
THOM
I’ll get whatever vodka you want. Come on….it’ll Be fun. We’ll discuss bible verses, your favorite plague, whatever makes you happy!
IRENE
NO!!! No compromises evil one – the Lord’s justice must be done here. Zeke, Floyd, burn the evil one’s dwelling to the ground …silence his tongue lest his ravings make us mad!
ZEKE and FLOYD move to set fire to the house. LESLIE (dressed as a sexy angel) and RACHEL (as a sexy devil) come to through the door behind THOM. ZEKE and FLOYD stop in their tracks.
LESLIE
Thom, what’s taking so long? We’re holding up the Twister match for you.
RACHEL
(looking at ZEKE and FLOYD)
What about you two? Wanna play? Twister is better when there’s a whole bunch of people, all tangled together and rubbing against one another. Hehehe!
ZEKE and FLOYD look at each other, then start to walk into THOM’s house. THOM stops them.
THOM
Guys
, no torches in the house.
FLOYD and ZEKE look at one another, then the torches, then at the girls. They dump their torches in the cauldron, and go into the house while the torches extinguish with a sizzle.
IRENE watches them go, downtrodden.
THOM
Irene, come on in. We’ll just forget this ever happened.
IRENE
NEVER! I must carry the burden of the Lord’s work myself!
IRENE starts sprinkling the house
IRENE
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU – FOUL DEMONS OUT!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU – FOUL DEMONS OUT!!!
PAT, an extremely butch looking woman in a flannel shirt comes out of the front door.
PAT
Hey Thom, it was really nice of you to invite me to your party, m but I feel awkward around all your law office buddies and college friends. I mean I’m just your mechanic and…
IRENE and PAT lock eyes.
PAT
Nice robes.
IRENE
Thanks. I was performing cleansing rites on this house.
PAT
Thom’s not evil….just shallow. But I know some really evil people over on Green Terrace Drive. Wanna go burn their house down?
IRENE
Love to!
IRENE and PAT talk as they exit
PAT
Is that the Sprinklemaster deluxe Holy Water Sprinkler from Cleanse Co?
IRENE
Yes, and I got the power sprayer attachment for cleansing entire office buildings too.
PAT
Nice
LESLIE shouts from offstage in the house.
LESLIE
Hey Thom! Zeke and Floyd are purifying the Twister mat so we can play naked.
THOM
Coming!!!
BLACK OUT