Sketch War

Tag: Halloween

  • FSW: Trick or Treat edition

    Happy Halloween Everybody!
    Let’s drop a little sketch into that goody bag shall we? It’s sugar free, but I won’t gurantee it’s razor-blade free. This week’s theme was “Trick or Treat” – and since I offered it up, I tried to get as many variations of tricks, treats and trick-or-treating into the sketch as possible. Theme honors go back to Richard for next week (although I’m sure a good theme suggested in comments would get used as well – so fire away).
    No word from Michael, David or Richard yet….but then again, Richard is sporting a cool-ass Warner Brothers jack-o-lantern, and all I have is a sketch. Updates posted as more goodies get dropped in the blog-bag.
    __________________________________________________________________
    EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – NIGHT
    The front porch of a nice suburban middle class house is all a glow with jack-o-lanterns, fake skeletons, a cauldron belching dry-ice smoke, etc. The sounds of a party come from inside – music, laughter, and people havign a great time. Three kids about 10 years old and in old-school costumes – a ghost, a witch and a devil – run up on the porch excited. They ring the doorbell, and THOM answers.

    KIDS
    Trick or treat!!!

    THOM
    Awwww…look at you guys! You look great! Hold open your bags.

    All the kids do

    THOM (CONT)
    You guys look so great I’m going to give you extra! Two for you, two for you and two for you!

    KIDS
    Thank you!!!

    The kids run off to the next house

    THOM
    You’re very welcome – Happy Halloween!!!

    KIDS (O.S.)
    Happy Halloween!

    THOM closes the door and goes back inside.

    Three adults walk up to the door now, all in long robes. The woman in the middle of the group – IRENE- wears a back satin robe with a white sash around her shoulders. The two on the ends – ZEKE and FLOYD – wear white robes and carry flaming torches.

    They step onto the porch and ring the doorbell too. THOM answers.

    THOM
    Oh…hey it’s Irene, Zeke and Floyd, isn’t it? Wow, you guys are spooky. You must be…

    IRENE immediately pulls out a holy water sprinkler and dowses THOM.

    IRENE
    FOUL DEMON!!! BEGONE!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE!!!

    ZEKE and FLOYD start chanting

    THOM
    Ahhh, my eyes!!! Jesus!

    IRENE lets him have it with the sprinkler again…more chanting ensues

    IRENE
    USE NOT THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN, FOUL BETRAYER OF THE FAITH!!!!

    THOM
    Stop that would you?

    IRENE motions for ZEKE and FLOYD to stop, but she keeps her sprinkler cocked for action. THOM gets the water out of his eyes.

    THOM
    Man that burns…what’s in that thing?

    IRENE
    Holy water, garlic extract and Red Bull.

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    It giveth the Lord’s work wings!

    THOM
    What the heck are you doing?

    IRENE
    We are on a heavenly quest to rid the neighborhood of sinners, and you are a foul betrayer of the Lord!

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    (in unison)
    FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

    IRENE
    You celebrate pagan festivals with heathen rituals!

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

    IRENE
    You lure children to your wicked ways with candy.

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    FOUL BETRAYER!!!

    THOM
    Annnnnndddddd I didn’t invite you and your brothers to my Halloween party.

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    FOUL BETRAYER!!!

    THOM
    That’s what this is really about, isn’t it Irene? The fact that I didn’t invite you to my party?

    IRENE
    No…not at all. We did not want to be invited to your pagan celebration of evil.

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    FOUL CELEBRATION!!!

    THOM
    Irene, I only know you because you run the doggie day-care.

    IRENE
    We are just doing the Lord’s work…to purge our neighborhood of evil.

    THOM
    Look, it’s just a bunch of friends from my law office and some old college buddies. You and your brothers would feel a really out of place.

    IRENE sees the cauldron decoration

    IRENE
    Look…a cauldron. A tool of the witch….yet he is male! HE PROMOTES WITCHCRAFT AND HOMOSEXUALITY!!!

    FLOYD AND ZEKE
    FOUL GENDER BETRAYER!!!

    More chanting and holy water

    THOM
    (to IRENE)
    You and your brothers take great care of Mr. Barkley, but I don’t really know you at all. I just see you when I drop him off.

    IRENE
    Summon the rest of the congregation. Tell them to bring torches.

    ZEKE and FLOYD pull cell phones out of their robes and start dialing

    THOM
    No…stop…look, you guys want to come to my party, come on in. There’s plenty of beer….oh, you’re religious so, we have…

    ZEKE
    Any vodka?

    THOM
    Grey Goose.

    FLOYD
    Elitist

    THOM
    I’ll get whatever vodka you want. Come on….it’ll Be fun. We’ll discuss bible verses, your favorite plague, whatever makes you happy!

    IRENE
    NO!!! No compromises evil one – the Lord’s justice must be done here. Zeke, Floyd, burn the evil one’s dwelling to the ground …silence his tongue lest his ravings make us mad!

    ZEKE and FLOYD move to set fire to the house. LESLIE (dressed as a sexy angel) and RACHEL (as a sexy devil) come to through the door behind THOM. ZEKE and FLOYD stop in their tracks.

    LESLIE
    Thom, what’s taking so long? We’re holding up the Twister match for you.

    RACHEL
    (looking at ZEKE and FLOYD)
    What about you two? Wanna play? Twister is better when there’s a whole bunch of people, all tangled together and rubbing against one another. Hehehe!

    ZEKE and FLOYD look at each other, then start to walk into THOM’s house. THOM stops them.

    THOM
    Guys
    , no torches in the house.

    FLOYD and ZEKE look at one another, then the torches, then at the girls. They dump their torches in the cauldron, and go into the house while the torches extinguish with a sizzle.

    IRENE watches them go, downtrodden.

    THOM
    Irene, come on in. We’ll just forget this ever happened.

    IRENE
    NEVER! I must carry the burden of the Lord’s work myself!

    IRENE starts sprinkling the house

    IRENE
    THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU – FOUL DEMONS OUT!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU – FOUL DEMONS OUT!!!

    PAT, an extremely butch looking woman in a flannel shirt comes out of the front door.

    PAT
    Hey Thom, it was really nice of you to invite me to your party, m but I feel awkward around all your law office buddies and college friends. I mean I’m just your mechanic and…

    IRENE and PAT lock eyes.

    PAT
    Nice robes.

    IRENE
    Thanks. I was performing cleansing rites on this house.

    PAT
    Thom’s not evil….just shallow. But I know some really evil people over on Green Terrace Drive. Wanna go burn their house down?

    IRENE
    Love to!

    IRENE and PAT talk as they exit

    PAT
    Is that the Sprinklemaster deluxe Holy Water Sprinkler from Cleanse Co?

    IRENE
    Yes, and I got the power sprayer attachment for cleansing entire office buildings too.

    PAT
    Nice

    LESLIE shouts from offstage in the house.

    LESLIE
    Hey Thom! Zeke and Floyd are purifying the Twister mat so we can play naked.

    THOM
    Coming!!!

    BLACK OUT

  • FSW: Mad Scientist edition

    Welcome to…..FRIDAY SKETCH WAR – MAD SCIENTIST EDITION!!!! BWAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    (if you were expecting subtle dignity with a theme like Mad Scientist, you are out of your freakin’ mind!!!).

    It’s been a crazy week, so what better way to polish it off than with a Mad Scientist sketch. No word from Michael or Dave yet, but Richard was up bright and early posting his sketch about having friends for dinner. I’ll post updates as more creations rise from the slab.

    Richard’s also kicked off an excellent idea for getting next weeks theme. If you read the sketches but aren’t going to compete, comment on Richard’s sketch (or mine) with your idea for what the theme should be. Richard will pick a favorite and we’ll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to yours truly.

    UPDATE: Looks like we had a suggestion shortage for this week, so theme duties land in my court….therefore our theme for this week is:

    Trick OR Treat
    (yup….an option scenes incolve a trick, a treat, or both….have at it gents!)
    __________________________________________________________

    INT. MAD SCIENTISTS LAB
    The lab is dimly lit with pools of light falling into near pitch black. Bottles and test tubes filled with glowing liquids are everywhere, Bunsen burners burn, devices that emit loud bright sparks burn and pop, vapors seem to spew from everywhere. DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN, who has a bushy wild mess of white hair and wears a lab coat, long oversized black rubber gloves, and goggles. He moves back and forth between devices and beakers, cackling madly with a heavy Germanic accent. He pours one liquid into another, watches it change color, and then let’s loose the loudest most manic cackle of all.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    (with a German accent)
    IT WORKS!!! AT LONG LAST!!! THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE, BUT I’LL SHOW THEM ALL WHEN I…

    JANET walks in from a small door on the side, flips a light switch and bathes the whole lab in warm overhead incandescent light.

    JANET
    Dr. Heiglschwein – Mrs. Davidson, your 3:30 appointment, is here. Should I send her in?

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN puts down his beakers and pulls his goggles up.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Sure Janet. I was just finishing up. Send her in.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes to his desk. JANET ushers in MRS. DAVIDSON, an average looking middle-aged woman, wearing a little too much makeup. JANET then hands the DR. a manila file folder. The DR. offers his hand across the desk

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Mrs. Davidson, welcome. I’ve never seen you before, have I?

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    No, I’m a referral. Dr. Loudon is my GP.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Ahhhhhhhh….My old nemesis, Dr. Ronald Loudon!!! I’ve never forgiven him for defeating my army of mutated eels right before…

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Look, can we cut the crap and get things moving?

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Sorry Mrs. Davidson…just reminiscing.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Well, I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I’m a little fed up right now. I’ve been through 2 doctors, and it took me forever to get referred to a Mad Scientist, since insurance classifies you people as specialists. Then I had to make sure Blue Cross pre-approved me – it’s been a nightmare.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Red tape….always red tape. How may I be of service Mrs. Davidson?

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    It’s my husband, Walter. He’s dead.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    I see…and how long has he been dead?

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Almost a month. He’d been dead less than 24 hours when I first took him in…god damn HMO’s.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Is he here today?

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Yes, he’s in the lobby.

    The DR. presses a button on his desk intercom

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    (into intercom)
    Janet, show Mr. Davidson in.

    JANET
    (over intercom)
    Right away doctor.

    The DR. starts looking through the file. The door opens and Janet pushes a coffin through to the middle of the room. JANET looks the wheels on the coffin’s trolley and exits again. The DR. and MRS DAVIDSON walk over to the coffin. The DR opens the coffin, pulls Mr. Davidson’s stiff arm from the coffin, and checks his pulse.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Yessssss, he is dead. What did he die of?

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Who knows. He always put off going to the doctor. I kept telling him “some day you’re going to put it off until it’s too late”, but did he listen to me?
    (to Mr. Davidson)
    NOW LOOK AT YOU WALTER!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!!

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Ummmmm…., so well preserved, so many possibilities. The things I could do with his corpse. I could…

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Look, just bring him back to life, okay? That’s all I’ve got approval from Blue Cross for.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    But there is so much more I could do Mrs. Davidson. Merge his DNA with that of a killer shark, use a nuclear isotope to mutate him into a lethal agent of darkness, implant electrodes into his skull that would make him…

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    STOP! Just stop right there!!! You blood-sucking doctors are all alike – let’s check this, let’s try that, blah, blah, blah. Look, I had him in bed for a month, gave him extra fluids, chicken soup, vitamins, steamed up the bathroom and sat him in there for 30 minutes every few days – bupkis! I even tried some of those herbal supplements – none of it made him come back to life. I did everything I could think of not to bring him to a doctor, because everytime I do you shysters just run up the expenses on me. Then my health insurance hits me with a big list of what they won’t cover, and I get stuck with a huge bill. So just bring him back to life, or give me a prescription to bring him back to life, and we’ll be out of your hair, okay?

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    But without extreme measures Mrs. Davidson, bringing him back to life could have side effects.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    For instance?

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Violent mood swings, cravings for human flesh and brains, irrational fear of fire, things like that.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Those don’t sound to bad to me. We have natural gas logs in the fireplace, and any emotion he shows towards me would be a step up, if you get my drift.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Mrs. Davidson, I am legally required to do everything I can to prevent side effects like that. I don’t want you coming back and suing me for malpractice…

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Oh geez…those blood-sucking lawyers are worse than you god damn doctors.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    …and the state could revoke my accreditation if he starts terrorizing the country side.

    MRS. DAVIDSON pauses and thinks for a minute, looks around to make sure no one’s watching, then leans in very close across the desk.

    MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
    Look, Dr. Heiglschwein, isn’t there some way we can get around all those legal requirements? Maybe there’s something I have that you want badly enough to trade me for this itty-bitty favor? Hmmmmmm???

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN thinks for a moment….

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    How attached are you to…..his brain?

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Not very….Walter was never a great thinker.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Well, I might be willing to sidestep a few precautions if you allowed me to keep his brain….and signed this waver.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN pulls a document from a desk drawer and pushes it across to MRS. DAVIDSON. He pulls a pen out of the breast pocket of his lab coat, clicks it loudly in the silence and sets it down for her to sign.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    (picking up the pen)
    Thank you Doctor, you’re a life saver. Done and done

    MRS. DAVIDSON starts signing the waver as DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes back, grabs a power saw goes over to the coffin. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN’s hands are in the coffin so we can’t see them, but we hear a power saw cutting through something, with a few wet sounds tossed in. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN sets the power saw down on a bench and pulls a brain out of the coffin. He sets it in a glass jar on the bench as MRS. DAVIDSON comes over.

    Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN plugs several cables and tubes into the corpse turns several dials and pushes several buttons. He finally pulls a large blade switch on a wall. The lights go dark, sparks light up everywhere, liquids bubble, lightning crashes, etc. When the Dr. pushes the switch back up, smoke is rising from the coffin. A loud grunt is heard, and a hand punches through the side of the coffin. WALTER, who has a large scar across his forehead sits up, rips the rest of the side off the coffin, then stands. He has a very large and obvious erection in his pants. He sees MRS. DAVIDSON and grunts in anger as he goes to strangle her, arms outstretched.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    Oh knock it off Walter.

    WALTER stops dead in his tracks, dejected and compliant. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN comes over, checks WALTER’S heart with a stethoscope.

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    He lives!!!

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    I see that.
    (pointing to Walter’s giant erection)
    What’s going on with that?

    DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
    Oh….a side effect. It often occurs when someone has had rigor mortis too long.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    It will eventually go away, right?

    Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN nods no. MRS DAVIDSON thinks this over, and comes to the happy conclusion this might have it’s benefits.

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    (to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
    Oh you are good.
    (to WALTER)
    Walter, we’re going home, right now – get in the car

    WALTER frankenstein-walks out the door, his erection leading the way

    MRS. DAVIDSON
    (back to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
    Thank you Doctor. All my girlfriends are going to hear about you!

    WALTER grunts excitedly offstage.

    MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
    (to WALTER)
    Walter that’s a hydrangea – stop that!!!
    (smiling, to the DOCTOR)
    He was never this frisky before!
    (Back to WALTER as she exits)
    I’m coming Walter…let’s go home.

    FADE TO BLACK