Sketch War

Tag: FSW

  • FSW: Pimp my TV (bonus entry from Ken)

    Well, I couldn’t resist. I had this idea when I was working on the Facts of Life sketch earlier for this weeks “Pimp My TV” theme, and people giggled everytime I mentioned it. So, I just had to write it up. I’m just being a little high-concept sketch piggy this week 🙂

    Anyway, hope you enjoy this:
    _____________________________________________________

    INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY

    Close up on a tuxedo clad handsome blond man in his early thirties, DR. CHASE, adjusts his clothes for a night out when the camera freezes on a closeup of his face

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Dr. Jonathan Chase… wealthy, young, handsome. A man with the brightest of futures. A man with the darkest of pasts. From Africa’s deepest recesses, to the rarefied peaks of Tibet, heir to his father’s legacy and the world’s darkest mysteries. Jonathan Chase, master of the secrets that divide man from animal, animal from man

    The camera un-freezes. The doorbell rings and DR. CHASE answers. CHICO, a young handsome latino in his early twenties stands there.

    CHICO

    Hey, man…you need, like, any help with the gardening, or maybe someone to wash your limo?

    Freeze on a close up of CHICO’S face

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Chico Juarez…unemployed, young, latino. A man with a questionable future. A man with a past no one cares about. Heir to his cousin’s Econovan, master of the dance floor.

    Camera un-freezes. DR. CHASE walks over to CHICO and puts his hand on his shoulder.
    The Ghostly head of Dr. Chase’s father, Dr. CHASE Senior appears. Only DR. CHASE can see or hear it.

    DR. CHASE SENIOR

    (in an ethereal voice)

    Jonathan…this man can help you in your quest…accept his aid

    The head fades

    DR. CHASE

    My friend, providence has brought us together.

    CHICO

    No man…I just noticed you got, like, the only mansion in the barrio. So I figure you got money and you like Mexicans, si hermano? Hey, nice threads, man! Hot date tonight?

    Camera freezes on the two men facing other in profile.

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Together, they’re an unstoppable crime-fighting force of nature.

    They turn to silhouettes and titles fly in:
    CHICO AND THE MANIMAL

    CUT TO:

    INT. LIMO – NIGHT

    CHICO, now wears a chauffeur’s uniform and drives, while DR. CHASE, still in his tuxedo.

    CHICO

    Why we gotta follow this car man? My cousin is the bouncer at this hot club…wall to wall chicas.

    DR. CHASE

    They’re stopping. Quick…the window.

    CHICO stops the car, and presses a button lowering a back window. DR. CHASE transforms into a black panther. After a dramatic snarl the panther leaps out the back window in slow motion. CHICO stares ahead looking on in awe.

    CHICO

    Go get ‘em Dr. Chase.

    CHICO notices a smell in the air. After sniffing he looks in the back seat.

    CHICO

    Awww man…you chase bad guys, I get to hose out the back seat…again!!! Madre de Dios.

    CUT TO:

    INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    With the unknowing assistance of Detective Brooke Mackenzie, they’ll fight to take back the city from the evil that consumes it.

    BROOKE MACKNZIE, a beautiful blonde police detective in her late twenties addresses DR. CHASE

    BROOKE

    If you do see a panther in the area, don’t try to subdue it yourself.

    DR. CHASE

    Of course detective Mackenzie. But how curious that a wild animal like that was such an aid in apprehending those arms dealers.

    BROOKE

    Yes, it was curious…are you sure…

    CHICO enters, looking at BROOKE and obviously attracted. BROOKE notices CHICO, and stumbles over her words.

    BROOKE (CONT)

    I…ummm…

    CHICO

    Que pasa, chica?

    CHICO walks around BROOKE, slowly checking her out. BROOKE giggles slightly

    DR. CHASE

    But the panther was of tremendous help…one might even say heroic in it’s actions.

    BROOKE

    Oh God yeah…it was so…so hot…helpful, I mean…oh yeah, soooooooo helpful. He moves so gracefully…IT..IT moved!

    CUT TO:

    EXT. ABANDONED DIRT LOT – NIGHT

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Together, they’ll face everything the mean streets can throw at them

    CHICO drags DR. CHASE around the corner of a chain link fence, falling back against it. Both men are scraped, bloody and bruised, with large rips in their clothes. CHICO looks back to make sure they weren’t followed.

    DR. CHASE

    You’ve saved my life my friend. I’m forever in your debt.

    CHICO

    Just promise me one thing.

    DR. CHASE

    Anything.

    CHICO

    Don’t EVER change into a chicken in the barrio again. It’s suicide!

    CUT TO:

    INT. WAREHOUSE LOFT – NIGHT

    CHICO talks to JORGE, while DR. CHASE stands nearby.

    CHICO

    (to DR. CHASE)

    Jorge’s my cousin, it’s cool. Show him.

    DR. CHASE looks nervous, then transforms into a panther.

    JORGE

    Madre de Dios! It’s true!

    JORGE runs off screen and returns a black velvet canvas on an easel, and starts painting the panther in neon colores. CHICO smiles

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    When animal magnetism meets latin heat, it can only be…

    Titles fly in as the ANNOUNCER says them

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Chico….and the Manimal!

    BLACK OUT

  • FSW: Pimp my TV (Ken’s Entry)

    Looks like I got the honor of being the first warrior on the field of battle this week…

    So this week we had a little change up, and got our sketch inspiration from the Pimp My TV contest going on at Filmaker Frenzy (http://www.filmmakingfrenzy.com/sites/filmfrenzy_beta/ViewFrenzy.aspx?FrenzyId=18) . In the tradition of John Woo doing Mission: Impossible and JJ Abrams directing Star Trek, I decided to go with classic show reinterpreted by iconic director.

    Take it away Mr. Director:
    _________________________________________________

    SLOW FADE IN:

    EXT. – PREP SCHOOL – DAY

    Snow flakes fall on the tops of an evergreen forest. As the camera descends in slow motion, we can see the red ceramic tiles of an estate-like building under a light blanket of snow, then we see big glass windows, beige stone, big wooden doors, concrete benches in the courtyard, and a brick walkway leading to the door.

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    This Christmas, one of America’s most celebrated directors brings one of America’s grittiest television shows to the big screen.

    Music starts, and the first words of “Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon” by Urge Overkill are sung

    SINGER (V.O.)

    Girl….you’ll be a woman, soon…

    The music continues as the camera settles close to the ground in the middle of the brick sidewalk. Four girls – one blond, one brunette, one African American, and one heavier girl – all in prep-school uniforms (red plaid skirts, knee socks, navy-blue sweaters, carrying books) walk past the camera still in slow motion.
    The camera shifts around so we can see the school girls in profile. It goes down the line showing each girl’s face, pausing long enough for their name to be captioned with a name:

    Blonde girl’s caption: BLAIR
    Brunette girl’s caption: JO
    Heavy-set girl’s caption: NATALIE
    African-American girl’s caption: TOOTIE

    They stop in equal stances framing the big front door, which opens to reveal matronly woman in her late 50’s with bright orange hair (MRS. GARRETT).

    Caption comes up on screen: EDNA GARRETT

    MRS. GARRETT

    You lazy bitches better get in this motherfuckin’ cafeteria or I will get medieval on your asses, I shit you not!

    Titles come up on screen:

    QUENTIN TARANTINO’S
    FACTS OF LIFE

    CUT TO:

    INT. CAFETERIA – DAY

    MRS. GARRETT locks the doors behind the girls.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Listen up. Drummond’s fast tracked this job – it’s big. Gear up.

    JO, BLAIR, TOOTIE and NATALIE go pull folding cafeteria tables out from the walls. Behind them are racks of guns, knives, swords, etc. The girls start pulling them out and strapping them on.

    MRS. GARRETT

    We pull this off, and Drummond keeps Edna’s Edibles in flour, sugar, coke for a long time. Code names…Blair you’re Ms. Blond. Jo, you’re Ms. Brunette. Tootie you’re Ms. Black. Natalie, you’re Ms. Michelin.

    NATALIE is visibly pissed. The girls, armed and wearing black suits, black ties, white shirts and Ray Bans come to the middle of the room.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Drummond wants this clean, capice?

    BLAIR

    We need to make this quick. I got a date tonight.

    JO

    Me too.

    TOOTIE

    Me too.

    Everyone looks at NATALIE who keeps quiet.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Natalie, you’ve got clean up.

    They all exit, with NATALIE hesitating before following

    CUT TO:

    INT. EDNA’S EDIBLES – NIGHT

    MRS. GARRETT snorts lines of coke off the glass pastry case she stands behind in small bakery cafe cash. JO, TOOTIE and BLAIR tidy up around the shop

    MRS. GARRETT

    I can’t believe Natalie missed her shift. She never misses a chance to be around food. Something’s fucked up.

    The big storefront glass window with the words “Edna’s Edibles” explodes inward. NATALIE bursts through and unloads a pump-action shotgun blast into the pastry case. Three girls in prep-school uniforms and zipper-mouthed leather bondage masks stand behind her brandishing identical shotguns.

    NATALIE

    The motherfuckin’ cookbook…NOW!!!

    MRS. GARRETT tosses her a big book with a glare.

    NATALIE

    Edna’s Edibles is permanently closed…people in this neighborhood will eat at “Natalie’s Noshes”.

    NATALIE and the masked girls back out of the cafe with the book, and toss in several molotov cocktails. MRS. GARRETT speaks as the flames get higher around her.

    MRS. GARRETT

    (yelling)

    You can’t run bitch! My righteous fury shall be tempered in your flames, and my vengeance shall rain down upon thee like all the plagues of Egypt. Behold, for I shall come upon thee like a thief in the night, and that is a fact!!!

    CUT TO:

    INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT

    MARK, a teenage prep-school boy, sits tied to a metal chair under a single hanging bulb. His face is bruised and bloody. BLAIR, TOOTIE and JO stand around him.

    TOOTIE

    He ain’t gonna squeal where Natalie’s at.

    JO

    Bring in the gimp.

    BLAIR snaps her fingers. A door opens showing a sliver of light and a tall shambling figure walks in. Sweat pours down MARK’s terrified face as he hears the scarping footsteps in the dark. He’s almost ready to scream when the mystery figure, GERI, steps into the light and starts speaking

    GERI

    Hi I’m Geri. I’m Blair’s cousin, and I have cerebral palsy, but that won’t stop me from entertaining you with 30 minutes of people-positive comedy!

    MARK

    (screaming)

    AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

    CUT TO:

    INT. PENTHOUSE APARTMENT – DAY

    NATALIE and her masked girls kick in the white double doors and enter. NATALIE wears a samurai sword strapped to her back

    NATALIE

    Fan out…Drummond’s here some place.

    A short African American boy, ARNOLD, flies in and takes out the three masked girls with some fast acrobatic kung fu. He lands in front of the stair case. He also has a samurai sword strapped to his back.

    ARNOLD

    Mr. Drummond’s out.

    NATALIE pulls a .45 from her waistband and aims it at ARNOLD.

    NATALIE

    Says who?

    ARNOLD whips out a throwing star that rips the .45 Out of NATALIE’s grasp.

    ARNOLD

    Says me.

    NATALIE draws her samurai sword and goes into a dueling stance.

    NATALIE

    I’ll go upstairs and wait.

    ARNOLD pulls his sword and goes into his dueling stance.

    ARNOLD

    What you talkin’ ‘bout, bitch?

    CUT TO:

    INT. MUSCLE CAR – NIGHT

    JO drives, BLAIR rides shotgun, TOOTIE sits in the middle of the back seat. All wear Ray Bans that reflect street lights as they drive the black 1967 Dodge Charger. They stare straight ahead intensely as the engine roars, and don’t speak for a long time.

    JO

    You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?

    BLAIR

    Natalie would know.

    TOOTIE

    Natalie knows food.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CRUMBLING WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

    NATALIE has her sword drawn as do JO, TOOTIE and BLAIR. The three circle her. NATALIE is dirty, sweaty, and her school uniform torn. A spotlight pops on illuminating MRS. GARRET on the catwalk above the factory floor. Half of her face is scarred from horrific burns, making her twisted smile more horrifying.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Poor Natalie….the world never seems to be living up to your dreams. Girls, teach her a little life lesson for me.

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    You take the good…

    Close up on NATALIE

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    You take the bad…

    Close up on MRS. GARRETT

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    You take ‘em both and there you have…

    High shot of the girls circling NATALIE
    JO, BLAIR and TOOTIE lunge at NATALIE with swords above their heads poised to slash. The screen goes completely black and titles slowly fade up:

    QUENTIN TARANTINO’S
    FACTS OF LIFE

    Coming Soon

    This film is not yet rated

    FADE TO BLACK.

  • FSW: Cartoons Edition (Ken’s Entry)

    Happy New Year everyone! I unexpectedly took last week off (meaning I realized Saturday night that the day before was Sketch War Friday….ummmm…ooopps).

    This weeks theme was cartoons, and despite a promising start to a SuperFriends sketch (remember that red spikey thing in front of the Hall of Justice??), I ended up revisiting one of my favorite cartoons, and putting a little spin on the first girl cartoon character I had a crush on.

    The other battlers will report in soon!!!
    __________________________________________________________

    INT. HAUNTED MANSION – NIGHT

    DAPHNE, VELMA, SCOOBY, SHAGGY and FRED stand in the foyer of a dilapidated dark mansion, complete with grand decaying staircase, grandfather clock, cobwebs – all the haunted trimmings.

    FRED

    Alright, let’s split up and see if we can find this bearded ghost. Daphne and I will go this way, Velma you go that way with Scooby and Shaggy.

    VELMA

    Actually Fred, Daphne and I are going together this time. You go with Scooby and Shaggy.

    FRED pauses and looks at VELMA.

    FRED

    Very funny Velma. Daphne come on, we’re going this way.

    DAPHNE

    No Fred….not this time. Not ever again. I want to go with Velma.

    FRED looks at SHAGGY and SCOOBY, who just shrug their shoulders.

    FRED

    Daphne, you and I always go together, always!

    DAPHNE

    Fred, I’ve been in denial about some things for a long time, and I’m just starting to come to grips with them.

    FRED

    Stop kidding around. You and I always go together when we split up, because we’re the two attractive ones of the group.

    DAPHNE

    That’s just it Fred. I’ve gone with you all those times because I felt like I SHOULD be attracted to you, but…it never felt right.

    VELMA

    It’s okay Daphne, tell him the rest.

    DAPHNE

    I think I developed some subconscious resentment towards you Fred…I wanted to be attracted to you, and when I wasn’t it made me do stupid things.

    VELMA

    All those traps she accidentally sprung weren’t an accident Fred. Her subconscious was trying to kill you.

    DAPHNE

    It was my way out…if you were gone I wouldn’t have to pretend anymore.

    VELMA

    Danger-prone Daphne was really "Need-to-get-Fred-out-of-my-life" Daphne.

    FRED

    But…all those times…when we’d split up…and we’d have sex when we were supposed to be hunting ghosts.

    DAPHNE

    Don’t make this harder than it is Fred.

    FRED

    We’d blame your moaning on ghosts.

    DAPHNE

    Fred, please…

    FRED

    I MADE YOU ORGASM!!! HARD!!! EVERY TIME!!!

    DAPHNE

    I faked it, every time! Just to save your big ego!!! I just pretended. I’d close my eyes and imagine you were someone else….someone I WAS attracted to. I just did whatever I could to get through it.

    FRED sulks for a moment, taking it all in.

    FRED

    Fine. But think about what you’re giving up. Any woman would kill to have a guy with his own custom van.

    VELMA

    (sarcastically)

    The paint job alone should do it.

    FRED

    A guy with some athletic ability, and good fashion sense.

    VELMA

    You dress like a sailor in the Gay Navy.

    FRED

    (to VELMA)

    This doesn’t involve you.

    VELMA

    Yes, it does. Daphne, go ahead. Tell him the rest.

    DAPHNE

    I can’t…he’s already so upset.

    VELMA

    We talked about this Daphne. It’s like pulling off a band-aid. Do it all at once.

    DAPHNE gathers her courage, then faces FRED again.

    DAPHNE

    It took me a long time to admit it to myself, but the person I kept imagining when we were having sex is part of this group.

    Everything stops, and FRED looks at SHAGGY and SCOOBY, suspiciously. Then FRED slowly turns his head to look at VELMA. DAPHNE walks over hooks her arm through VELMA’s, and rests her head on VELMA’s shoulder.

    FRED

    (to VELMA)

    You goddamn dyke.

    DAPHNE

    She listens to me, understands me…values my opinion.

    FRED

    So it’s just platonic.

    DAPHNE

    Oh GOD no!

    VELMA and DAPHNE laugh, loudly

    DAPHNE

    Only a woman knows how to really please another woman. Velma has surprisingly well-toned arms under that sweater too.

    VELMA

    I need them for doing this….

    VELMA dips DAPHNE and kisses her passionately. SCOOBY, FRED and SHAGGY just stare, slack jawed.

    DAPHNE

    (a bit flustered)

    Velma is soooo decisive…when she wants something she just goes for it. And trust me, her traps always work.

    DAPHNE giggles as she leans into Velma.

    VELMA

    Come on purple. Let’s go down this way and find us some moaning ghosts.

    VELMA smacks DAPHNE loudly on the butt. DAPHNE giggles, then heads down the corridor.

    VELMA

    So, Fred, from now on, when we split up, Daphne goes with me, capice?

    (off to DAPHNE)

    Hey purple, that’s a bedroom on the left – I bet there’s a loud moaning ghost in there!

    Giggles from down the hallway. VELMA looks back at FRED with a knowing grin, then exits after DAPHNE. FRED just stares after them.

    SHAGGY

    So, uh, Fred. Maybe we should, like, go look for that Bearded ghost like you said.

    FRED

    There is no bearded ghost. It’s just old man Laskey in a costume scaring people off so he can run a real estate scam.

    SHAGGY

    Zoiks! Like, how’d you know that man?

    FRED

    I pay this detective friend for fake ghost cases he’s already solved whenever I want to get laid. We’ve never gone on a real unsolved mystery.

    SHAGGY

    Like….wow dude. All this time I thought we were actually, like, finding clues, solving mysteries and helping people and stuff.

    SCOOBY

    Ree roo!!!

    SHAGGY

    Now I’m like all bummed and stuff.

    SCOOBY

    Ree roo.

    SHAGGY and SCOOBY walk start to slowly exit the same way as DAPHNE and VELMA

    FRED

    Where are you two going?

    SHAGGY

    Like there’s only one thing that can cheer me up right now – amateur girl-on-girl action. These old mansions have secret watching holes all over the place.

    FRED

    Won’t they see us?

    SHAGGY

    You and Daphne never did.

    FRED thinks for a moment

    FRED

    Alright, here’s the plan. You two go ahead and find a hiding spot with a good clear view. I’ll go get the video camera I keep in the Mystery Machine!

    SHAGGY

    Now that’s the Fred I’d follow anywhere!

    SCOOBY

    Rrrrrroooby dooooooooo!

    BLACK OUT

  • Christmas Skirmish: Ken’s Entry

    INT. OFFICE – DAY

    One very agitated man (MAN 1) stands in front of a bigdesk, while MAN 2 suit sits behind it.

    MAN 1

    (a bit pissy and "nelly")

    I KNOW I’m high maintenance, and I know I just take and take and take from this relationship without giving a thing. But you and I both know that I own your ass, and if you don’t give me a really big expensive package this Christmas, I will have a complete breakdown, blame YOU for it, and take everyone around me down too!!!

    MAN 2

    (with a slight Texas drawl)

    Fine, whatever it takes to shut you up…..I’ll give you 17 billion dollars now, but you have to share with Chrysler and Ford, and if you want any more money you’ll have to talk to congress after Obama is inaugurated and I’m out of here, okay?

  • Ken’s Entry – 3:34 AM editon

    I couldn’t resist a little Seasonal flavoring – so here’s my offering for 3:34 am:

    INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

    ZACH and his wife MARION, both in their late 30’s / early 40’s, are asleep in their bed. The lights are out, the clock radio on the night stand shows 3:34, and the only illumination is a shaft of moonlight through the window. A light snowfall drifts lazily down outside.

    The bedroom door opens a sliver showing a little light from the hallway. Five or six small silhouettes creep inside the door. They move slowly and silently towards the bed. As they get about half way there it becomes obvious they are wearing some sort of high-tech head gear that goes over their eyes. They raise their hands to their eyes, and click an unseen switch. A quiet "whir" is heard, and a green glow comes from lenses over the figures eyes. The head gear is some sort of high-tech night vision. One small figure makes military-type hand gestures to the others, and they flank the bed. They hold position as the lead figure raises a fist in the air, then yanks it down quickly, as if to say "go". In a blur of motion the small figures strap ZACH and MARION to the bed with garland and gag them with oranges. One silhouette flips the light switch on in the room as the others tilt the bed up. ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds to no avail. All of the small silhouettes are now revealed to be Christmas elves in camo face-paint, and black special forces-style gear (but with curly-toed shoes of course). One elf, PETEY, talks into his headset mic.

    PETEY

    Tree this is Trimming, over.

    TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)

    This is Tree, go Trimming.

    PETEY

    Tree, nothing is stirring, not even a mouse. Send in Big Red.

    TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)

    Roger, Trimming. Big Red is inbound.

    The door opens again, and SANTA walks in, looking a bit pissed. He walks slowly over to the bed where ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds.

    SANTA

    Soo….Zach and Marion Webster, of 425 Willow Drive. That you?

    ZACH and MARION nod slowly.

    SANTA

    And you got three lovely, lovely children…Austin, Dylan and Cailyn?

    ZACH and MARION nod yes again.

    SANTA

    WE need to have a little talk. Petey here is going to remove those oranges so we can talk, nice and civilized. We can be grownups here, right?

    ZACH and MARION nod again

    SANTA

    But one shout and my boys will go to town on you.

    PETEY holds up a stuffed Christmas stocking.

    SANTA

    Those are filled with broken candy canes. They don’t leave bruises but they mess you up inside. We understand one another?

    MARION and ZACH nod yet again, their eyes a lot wider now. SANTA nods to PETEY, and PETEY gestures to the other elves to remove the oranges. ZACH and MARION inhale sharply.

    ZACH

    You’re…I mean you look like…

    SANTA

    Santa Claus…Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Father Christmas whatever you want to call me.

    MARION

    But..you’re nice…why would you…

    SANTA

    Bind a torture a nice couple like you?

    ZACH

    Torture?

    SANTA

    Maybe…depends.

    MARION

    On what?

    SANTA

    On how cooperative you plan on being.

    ZACH

    You’re Santa Claus…we’re happy to help you out any way we can.

    SANTA

    Oh yeah? Then tell me…Austin, Dylan and Cailyn….naughty or nice?

    ZACH and MARION look at each other. SANTA gestures to PETEY. Several elves move in and whack ZACH with filled Christmas stockings. ZACH winces in pain.

    SANTA

    I thought you were gonna be all cooperative with jolly old Saint Nick?

    MARION

    We’ll cooperate! We’ll cooperate!

    SANTA

    So are they naughty or nice, Marion?

    MARION

    I…I…

    SANTA

    Naughty or nice??? Answer me!!!

    SANTA gestures and the elves whack Marion with the stuffed stockings.

    ZACH

    Stop it! Please!

    SANTA

    Answer me!

    MARION

    I thought knew these things…you know, "sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake"?

    SANTA

    Well you thought wrong. Watching Children 24 / 7 is immoral. I don’t know what pedophile freak decided to attribute that to me, but if I ever catch the son of a bitch I will personally stuff that mother fucker down his own goddamn chimney.

    ZACH

    Spying on children is wrong but torturing parents is okay?

    PETEY moves to hit ZACH with the sack again but SANTA waves him off. SANTA goes over and grabs ZACH’s face.

    SANTA

    Look my friend, there is a war on. I pop down the wrong chimney one night and BOOM! I’m a hostage with a ransom video showing 24/7 on Al Jazeera. Maybe I some bad naughty-versus-nice intelligence on some kid, so I give him a that robotic Lego thingy he wants. Next thing I know his making improvised explosive devices and dropping them by the side of the road. Nuh uh…I’m not taking any chances – I’m taking matters into my own hands and making DAMN sure I know who’s naughty and nice.

    MARION

    You’re Santa…no one wants to hurt you. You’re a symbol of goodness and generosity.

    SANTA

    Exactly…I’m a symbol, a very public and well known symbol. People would love to take me down, or catch me being nice to some seriously naughty fucker….ruin my reputation, incarcerate me for aiding and abetting a known naughty. Goddamn liberal press would eat me alive.

    ZACH

    Wow…you are seriously paranoid. You sound like a republican.

    SANTA

    I’ve been GOP since Eisenhower, jerkwad.

    MARION

    Wait…you really ARE republican?

    SANTA

    No shit Mrs. Sherlock. You think I wear red because it’s slimming?

    ZACH

    We didn’t mean any insult…

    SANTA

    I’m goddamn proud to be republican. Hell, Nixon was the one that got me keeping lists and checking them twice. I used to fly Christmas Eve recon missions over Cambodia for that administration in the early 70’s. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have given him that audio tape shredder though. The damn Bushes are in-laws – or did think that uncanny resemblance between Barbara Bush and Mrs. Claus was a coincidence?

    MARION< /p>

    Times are changing…the world is changing.

    SANTA

    Don’t remind me. All my wiretap authorizations are being revoked, you can’t get a free pass from the justice department anymore, no matter how much you donate to the GOP. I’ll probably be forced to close my internment camp at the north pole too, and put all the detainees on trial.

    ZACH

    You have an internment camp?

    SANTA

    Gitmo North. For the super-naughty.

    MARION

    Santa, things are changing all over, fast. People are tired of being paranoid, tired of fear mongering, tired of being at odds with the rest of the planet. We need hope, not renegade gunslingers.

    ZACH

    That’s right. Everyone in the world is struggling with the economy now, and we’re all just trying to find ways to stay afloat. We don’t need a symbol who only gives gifts to the people HE thinks are deserving. We need someone who gives generously and freely to all, regardless of color,creed or politics.

    SANTA

    Even the gays?

    ZACH and MARION look at each other for a moment, thinking.

    MARION

    That’s still your call really. But be the person you started to be. Be that symbol of kindness and unconditional love. Take a few things on faith, and give the world what it needs most….hope.

    SANTA pauses and thinks.

    SANTA

    You stole that speech from Barack Obama didn’t you?

    ZACH and MARION shrug as if to say "You caught us"

    SANTA (CONT)

    It’s a good speech though.

    SANTA pauses again and thinks more

    SANTA

    Petey, untie them.

    PETEY

    But Santa…

    SANTA

    Just do it. And then let’s go – we’ve got a lot more gifts to give out than we planned on.

    PETEY gestures to the other elves, and they remove the garland that ties ZACH and MARION to their bed

    PETEY

    (into headset mic)

    Tree, this is Trimming. We’re standing down. Roof evac in 3 minutes.

    SANTA

    (to ZACH and MARION)

    You two better be right. I’m going to take a few things on faith, and I’ll probably give presents to some questionably naughty people. If anything goes down it’s on your heads.

    ZACH

    You won’t regret it Santa. It’s time to reach out and rejoin the world and get past this “us and them” mentality.

    MARION

    Right, and you’ll see we can all come together to rebuild America, liberal and conservative.

    SANTA

    Only a liberal would say that.

    MARION

    Sorry.

    SANTA

    Look….sorry about the tying-up thing. I’ll make sure there’s a new Prius in your driveway tomorrow morning, okay? Elves, we’re pulling out. Petey, take point.

    PETEY and the elves exit through the bedroom door. SANTA gets to the door, stops and turns around.

    SANTA

    And…umm, Merry Christmas.

    ZACH

    Merry Christmas to you Santa!

    MARION

    And goodwill to all!

    SANTA

    God I hate liberals.

    SANTA exits. BLACKOUT

  • FSW: We Three Kings…

    The gods of writing have pretty much conspried against me getting anything out before Friday these days. I’m just thankful for that west-coast midnight deadline 🙂
    Our newest sketch warrior suggested the theme last week: Learning Something New About History.
    I figured I’d jump the gun and get into the Christmas spirit as well.
    Richard took us to school about Harry Truman – no word from Peter yet. I’ll update when others report in for battle.
    But for now, these three kings of orient are possibly trying to smoke a rubber cigar:
    ___________________________________________________________________
    EXT. DESERT MUD HUT – NIGHT
    BALTHASAR, MELCHIOR and CASPAR all stare up into the night sky

    BALTHASAR
    Oh yeah – that’s definitely an “a-Messiah-is-born” star. No doubt about it.

    MELCHIOR
    It’s so bright.

    CASPAR
    Wow….just…..wow.

    MELCHIOR
    We should probably go inside…we’re probably damaging our eyes staring at it.

    CASPAR
    We should, like, follow that star man.

    BALTHASAR
    Caspar you are such a goddamn hippie.

    CASPAR
    Oh come on man…if there’s a baby messiah under that thing, like the prophecies say, we should go and meet it, introduce ourselves.

    BALTHASAR
    Hmmmmm…3 wise men, meeting a baby with a big future…not bad. Nice…heart-warming.

    MELCHIOR
    We should wait and leave in the morning. Riding a camel in the dark is definitely not wise.

    BALTHASAR
    Think we can get some press to meet us there? Judean Sun Times, maybe The Daily Roman?

    CASPAR
    Balthasar, not everything is about publicity man! Some things are about love…sharing, connecting with people, bringing the world together.

    MELCHIOR
    As long as I don’t have to hug the baby…they’re very germy.

    CASPAR
    We just go, meet the new messiah, maybe give them some new baby gifts…

    MELCHIOR
    Ooo! I’ve got the perfect thing…a vaporizer. It’s so dry in the desert. And dusty! Oy!

    CASPAR
    I saw this really cool gourd rattle that would be good, and I can put together some medicinal herbs for the baby, you know, for like when he gets colicy, or starts teething…write out some instructions for the new mommy. I think that could be helpful.

    BALTHASAR
    Oh….I know. I’m bringing gold. A big bag of gold.

    MELCHIOR and CASPAR pause, and stare at BALTHASAR

    MELCHIOR
    You bastard.

    CASPAR
    Oh man…you just don’t get it.

    BALTHASAR
    What? They can just buy whatever they need. Or hold on to it, put it in the messiah‘s college fund.

    MELCHIOR
    Well, I can’t bring a vaporizer if you’re bringing gold. I’d look like a schmuck.

    CASPAR
    Balthy, Melchior and I are happy your self-help scroll became a such a big seller. But would you please stop flaunting it.

    BALTHASAR
    Did you hear it’s getting released in Egyptian?

    CASPAR
    Do you hear yourself, man? You want to give a bag of gold to a baby, to the king of kings….the son of God. What is he going to do with gold?

    MELCHIOR
    A baby could choke on those coins…and they’re definitely not sanitary. Who knows where they’ve been. Dirty Romans!

    BALTHASAR
    Look, if he’s the song of God, why bring him anything anyway, right? Not like he needs something his Dad can’t give him.

    CASPAR
    That’s not the point man….we give him stuff that says “hey, welcome to the mortal plane…thanks for coming, we want to make you more at home so you stay a while”

    MELCHIOR
    Vaporizers make desert air much more breathable.

    CASPAR
    Maybe some personal stuff….stuff From the heart.

    BALTHASAR
    My money is personal. I made it, and I’m very attached to it. Tis is my way of saying “I’ve been fortunate, and I’m happy to give a little back”

    MELCHIOR
    You’re saying “I’m a rich bastard who sucks up to deities” is what you’re saying.

    BALTHASAR
    God gave me the wisdom to write a best-selling self-help scroll. Sue me if I want to give something to his offspring as a thank you for what he gave me.

    MELCHIOR
    God would throw up if he thought he contributed to “He’s Just Not That Into Jews”. You want to give something? Give him your promise to never write again. There’s a gift he can use!

    BALTHASAR
    You two have been riding my robe-tails for years. Go ahead admit it – you are so jealous that I’m getting rich and famous, and you can’t even get a Roman research grant.

    MELCHIOR
    That is not fair! You know those grants are biased against non-latin speakers.

    CASPAR
    Oh man…you two are bumming me out so bad right now.

    MELCHIOR
    Happy now? You know how sensitive he is. I’m sorry Caspar. I shouldn’t let him get to me.

    CASPAR
    It’s alright Melchie. Balthy, maybe you should reconsider…give them something a little less pretentious, more appropriate for a baby. How about a puppy?

    MELCHIOR
    Or maybe, I don’t know, something you could strap to the side of a donkey that doesn’t say “I have a big exposed bag of gold – please conk me on the head with a rock and steal it.”

    BALTHASAR
    Look, I’ll give what I want to give, and you give whatever you want to…and can afford to give.

    CASPAR and MELCHIOR look at each other, resigned.

    CASPAR
    Hey Melchie, what do you think of frankincense? You know, as a present for the baby messiah?

    MELCHIOR
    Oh good choice Caspar. Very nice.

    BALTHASAR
    What’s that?

    CASPAR
    Oh man…it’s like this really special type of incense. All natural, homeopathic, and a very unique scent. I know, like, rich people really dig it these days, for their huts and throne rooms and stuff, but my friend Raul makes most of it, so I could probably get a bunch for cheap.

    MELCHIOR
    You know, I bet I could get a nice bottle of myrrh from Hiram down at the apothecary. He owes me for tutoring his daughter in Sanskrit.

    CASPAR
    Oh that’s a great idea man!

    BALTHASAR
    Myrrh? I’ve never heard of myrrh.

    CASPAR
    It’s a healing balm.

    MELCHIOR
    Like Neosporin, but for rich-people. It’s got a real nice smell, and everyone thinks it’s exotic because of the name. They did some very nice branding on Myrrh.

    BALTHASAR
    I’ve never heard of frankincense or myrrh. I bet most people haven’t.

    CASPAR
    Probably not.

    MELCHIOR
    Which will make them seem more special, and personal. Not cold, common and ordinary like gold….I mean, anybody can get gold, right?

    BALTHASAR
    Yeah, but everybody KNOWS what gold is. Years from now people will still remember that one wise man gave the messiah baby gold.

    CASPAR
    Yeah, but they’ll talk about the frankincense and the myrrh, since those are like, rare and mysterious…they’ll, like, have to go look those up.

    MELCHIOR
    And at dinner parties they’ll be like “well, one of them gave gold, but what’s frankincense?”

    CASPAR
    “What’s Myrrh?”

    MELCHIOR
    Those will be what everybody talks about.

    CASPAR
    Forever.

    MELCHIOR
    People just can’t resist a little mystery, or talking about exotic things, can they?

    CASPAR
    Nope. Just in their nature.

    BALTHASAR looks in angry disbelief at CASPAR and MELCHIOR. The storms off stage.

    CASPAR
    Hey Balthy, where you going man?

    BALTHASAR (O.S.)
    To find a fucking puppy!

    CASPAR
    (to MELCHIOR)
    You’re still going with the vaporizer, right?

    MELCHIOR
    Never considered myrrh for a second. You?

    CASPAR
    They’d arrest me on sight for giving frankincense to a baby. But I got a little back in the hut….want to smoke some and stare at the messiah star?

    MELCHIOR
    Why not. My eyes could stand a little more damage.

    MELCHIOR and CASPAR exit

    FADE TO BLACK.

  • FSW: Oprah Edition

    Annnnnnnndddd coming in just under the wire…

    It’s Friday Sketch War….and if you’re going to come to a war, it’s nice to be fashionably late (hey, it worked for the U.S. in both world wars, right???).

    Anyway here’s my foray into the world of Oprah…and her friends.

    Peter put the Big O in Oprah for us and Richard gave us some lovely homemade gifts

    Not sure who’s handling our theme for next week, but following Oprah is gonna be a tough act.
    But for now…….heeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee’sssssssss OPRAH!
    ___________________________________________________________________

    INT. OPRAH’S OFFICE – DAY
    A large opulent office with pictures of Oprah hanging on every wall. The door opens and here comes the woman herself, followed by her assistant HENRY, who reads off a clipboard.

    HENRY
    …and Maria confirmed her interview for next Thursday, but she’s coming solo, no Nick. Michelle Obama agreed to write the “First Day as First Lady”article for “O” in January, and she confirmed you have 3 VIP tickets to the inaugural ball.

    OPRAH
    That’s fabulous Henry. Well done! Thank you so much – you have no idea how much I appreciate everything you do for me.

    HENRY
    It’s just nice to be part of it all Ms. Winfrey.

    OPRAH
    Now Henry, you’re my friend…I am never “Ms. Winfrey” to my friends.

    HENRY
    Alright…..Oprah. Oh heck – I’ll just call you “O”!
    (giggles)
    I’m going to check on the fundraiser invites – I heard “The Donald” RSVP’d yes this time!

    OPRAH
    Fabulous Henry. Thank you so much!

    HENRY beams as her leaves. OPRAH sits down at her desk and starts going through the various memos and letters sitting there. An electrical crackle is heard outside the door, and light flashes can be seen beneath it. Smoke starts coming under the door right before the door bursts open and T101 walks in carrying an extremely large multi-barreled machine gun. He steps into the room and slams the door closed behind him and locks it.

    OPRAH
    Excuse me…can I help you?

    T101
    (in an Austian-accented stiff mechanical voice)
    I am a Cyberdyne systems Terminator model 101. I have been sent back in time to terminate you, and stop from destroying the future.

    OPRAH
    Destroying the future? Honey, are you sure it’s me you’re looking for?

    T101
    Are you talk show host and media magnate Oprah Winfrey?

    OPRAH
    Yes, I am.

    T101
    Then you are the my target. I must destroy you.

    OPRAH
    Now wait a minute…there must be some mistake. Do you know anything about me?

    T101
    Oprah Gail Winfrey, born January 29, 1954 in Kosciusko, Mississippi, host of an internationally syndicated talk show, magazine publisher, influential book critic, and philanthropist.

    OPRAH
    Philanthropist – do you know what that means?

    T101
    One who actively engages in efforts to promote human welfare through actions and or charitable donations.

    OPRAH
    Right…I try to help people, with everything I do. My magazine is dedicated to things that make people’s lives better. I recommend books that can positively affect people’s lives. I’ve founded schools. I discovered Dr. Phil. Even my interviews help celebrities deal with issues. I couldn’t possibly hurt people. You must have me confused with someone else.

    T101
    May 23, 2005 – you interview actor Tom Cruise. Your therapeutic interview style emboldens him to jump up and down on your sofa like a child. Over the next 4 years his inhibitions continue to disappear and he begins making outrageous claims about the healing powers of Scientology. On April 25, 2009, his Scientology powers fully manifest. By the end of 2009, he eradicates all mental illness from the planet and Tom Cruise turns his attention to other illnesses. June 5 2010, Tom Cruise cures the last sick person on the plane. Pharmaceutical companies and health care providers are bankrupted, and the medical-industrial complex is destroyed creating massive financial upheaval. Tom Cruise appoints himself surgeon general of the galaxy then swears undying loyalty to you for unleashing his true potential. He creates an army of scientology-powered healers, placing you in total control of the world’s mental and physical health.

    OPRAH
    Tom’s little crazy, but disease becomes a thing of the past – that’s amazing! How can that be…

    T101
    In 2009, the world is on the brink complete financial collapse. The big three American automakers border in complete self-destruction. On May 22nd, 2009, you arrange a secret meeting between yourself and the heads of GM, Ford and Chrysler. Three days later, every household in the world is told to look under their favorite chair. Each finds a key and a note that says “You get a car!”. May 25th, 2009 – millions around the world pick up their free american-made car Gasoline sales soar, and the low Detroit quality standards force all vehicle recipients to seek professional service. Within 30 days, the global economy is booming, and automakers see record profits from replacement parts and mechanics fees. The big 3 automakers and OPEC declare loyalty to you.

    OPRAH
    Doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with that. People who can’t afford cars get them, the world’s economy is fixed, automakers are saved….everyone’s happy.

    T101
    On August 5th, 2011 the world enters a new ice age. Vehicle emissions block 68% of the earth’s normal sunlight. No one is depressed due to the efforts of Tom Cruise’s Scientology corps.

    OPRAH
    Okay. I see where that could have been handled better, but I promise that I will…

    T101
    On November 6th, 2012 Barack Obama wins his second presidential term with 89% of the popular vote. On December 21st, 2012 – the day ancient Mayans predicted would be the end of the world, President Obama gives a press conference outlining his plan to address the ice age. It is preempted by a CNN report showing the Mayan god of death, Cizin, rising from his dormant underground state and laying waste to Mexico city. President Obama takes flight in front of the White House press corps, revealing himself to be a highly advanced robot. He arrives in Mexico City and fights Cizin. He defeats Cizin. Soon after an anonymous sour
    ce coms forward with proof that he created by scientists working in a secret laboratory at “O” magazine.

    OPRAH
    That’s impossible…no one knows about that lab…how do you..

    T101
    I am from the future. President Obama has been acting on your commands for his entire political life. You become the most powerful person on the planet controlling health care, the economy, and the United States. On January 27th, 2012, you are appointed queen of the world. Howard Stern commits suicide. After 20 years, most of the planet is well adjusted, exercising regularly and eating a sensible diet. Anyone who refuses to get in touch with their feelings is hunted down and sent to inner-child rehabilitation camps. A small group of rebels storm the “O” robotics lab, and under poor conditions create the terminators to stop you and your enforcers.

    OPRAH
    I don’t think you want to stop me…I think you need….

    OPRAH dives for her desk and hits a button. A panel in the wall behind her opens up, and Dr. Phil marches out with a large gun

    DR. PHIL
    …a big dose of reality son!

    T101 fires and blows Dr. Phil’s head off. It sputters and sparks.

    T101
    I was forewarned about your Dr. Phil robot. Now, I must kill you.

    OPRAH
    Wait….you don’t have to be this way, a mindless killer. There’s a part of you that feels regret and sorrow for me.

    T101
    I have now feelings. I am a machine. Your therapeutic questioning cannot affect me.

    OPRAH
    Alright. You know yourself best. Just let me give you a last present – a book I’m reviewing.

     OPRAH picks up a book off her desk and tosses it to T101

    T101
    (reading the book title)
    “You Are Not A Machine – reclaiming your humanity”. You’re attempt at distraction is wasted on….
    (pausing as he skims through the book)
    I have felt alone like this….how the author know?

    OPRAH has pulled out a bazooka from under her desk and she shoots T101 with it. He explodes in a ball fire. Parts fall smoldering everywhere. The phone on the desk buzzes. OPRAH picks it up.

    HENRY (on phone)
    O? What was that noise? Are you alright?

    OPRAH
    I’m fine Henry. It was just another terminator. Have security check that time-travel shield around the building, I don’t think it’s working. And have the lab send up another Dr. Phil ASAP.

    HENRY (on phone)
    Right away O.

    OPRAH hangs up the phone, then redials

    OPRAH
    Barack – this is Big O…access code 41542. Activate Mayan God combat protocols…we’re going to update your database.

    FADE OUT

  • FSW: Horrible Family Holiday edition

    Happy almost-Thanksgiving everyone!
    This weeks theme was:
    horrible family holidays
    It was graciously provided by @tjonsek, who suggested it on Richard’s blog. Speaking of Richard, he took us out for a lovely Holiday dinner in New York for his salvo.
    I decided to examine the origins of Holiday drama in America.
    And…if you’d like to suggest a theme for next week, , leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs.
    Meanwhile, in the early 1600’s……
    ___________________________________________________________________
    INT. RUSTIC PILGRIM LODGE – DAY
    We’re inside a cabin in Plymouth in the days of the pilgrims. The furniture is all rough hewn wood, and various herbs are hanging from the ceiling drying. There’s a knock on the front door and MILES enters, dressed in full traditional pilgrim garb.

    MILES
    The pie looks fine. Just scrape the charred part off the top and no one will know the difference.

    MILES answers the door. Two American Indians in traditional garb, MASSOTIHAN and his wife POWANIQUA stand in the doorway carrying a few baskets. The sounds of squealing children can be heard outside behind them.

    MILES
    Heeeeeyyyy!!! Masso! What’s up, my savage?

    MILES and MASSOTIHAN go through and elaborate macho handshake \ chest bump \ grunting ritual

    MILES (CONT)
    Happy Second Thanksgiving Buddy!
    (to PRISCILLA offstage)
    Hey Babycakes, shake a leg…the Moonwolves are here!

    PRISCILLA (O.S.)
    Coming.

    MILES
    Come on in…make yourselves at home.
    (shouting out the front door)
    Hey Tobias, Dorothy…play nice with the Moonwolf kids, okay? No “Christians and heathens”, okay?

    CHILDREN
    (from off)
    Awwwwwww

    MILES
    (closes the door)
    Wow….it’s getting cold out there. Fucking Plymouth huh? Love the foliage, hate the cold.

    MASSOTIHAN
    Try living in a tent in this crap. Why you white guys wanted to have the first Thanksgiving outside last year is a mystery to me.

    MILES
    Hey….we’re European, we never spent any time outside before coming here. We were all hopped up on the “we escaped religious persecution AND survived our first year in the new world” thing, know what I mean? Any problems getting here?

    POWANIQUA
    We would have been here 30 minutes ago if someone wasn’t absolutely positive it was a left at the burned out oak.

    POWANIQUA shoots a glare at MASSOTIHAN

    MASSOTIHAN
    I’ve only rode over here once before, and that was in spring.

    MILES
    (to POWANIQUA)
    You must be Mrs. Moonwolf. I’m Miles Dogood. It’s nice to finally meet you. Masso talks about you whenever we’re in a hunting party together.

    MILES shakes POWANIQUA’s hand

    POWANIQUA
    Just call me ‘Pow’. We’ll be here all day if you always use my full name.

    MILES
    Nice furs…can I take those for you?

    MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUA take off their fur wraps and hand them to MILES, who takes them offstage. MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUAN set their parcels of food on the table.

    MASSOTIHAN
    I tell ya’, you white guys sure don’t know shit about wilderness living, but you got that the naming thing right. Short first name, long last name, call everyone by their first name – if that’s too long you just call someone by an even shorter version of their name…so much easier than these long-ass indian names. Just role call for tribal council meetings takes 4 hours.

    MILES re-enters and walks over to see what’s on the table.

    MILES
    Mmmmm…smells good. Corn?

    POWANIQUA
    Maize.

    MILES
    Oh right…sorry….forgot.

    MASSOTIHAN
    There’s maize bread, creamed maize, and maize on the cob. She’s been cooking all week.

    MILES
    That’s very nice of you Pow. You shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble.

    PRISCILLA enters, carrying a mug. She appears to be a little tipsy.

    PRISCILLA
    (to MILES)
    I’ve been cooking all week too…don’t remember hearing you say I shouldn’t go to all that trouble.

    MILES
    Hey honey…you remember Massotihan Moonwolf, from the hunting parties?

    PRISCILLA
    Oh yeah…you ride horses with your shirt off, right?

    MASSOTIHAN
    Sometimes, in summer. It can get hot on those hunts.

    PRISCILLA
    Oh I bet it does…you get pretty sweaty too. Do you workout, or are you just naturally muscular?
    MASSOTIHAN
    I play a lot of lacrosse.

    PRISCILLA
    So you’re good with a long stick huh?

    MILES
    (ushering PRISCILLA away from MASSOTIHAN)
    And this is his wife Powaniqua – ‘Pow’ for short.

    PRISCILLA
    Well aren’t you a cute young thing…Pow, WOW! HAHAHA

    MILES
    Let’s have a seat while dinner finishes cooking.

    PRISCILLA
    “Pow Wow”…get it? God that’s funny.

    MILES
    (to PRISCILLA)
    I think you’ve had eno
    ugh ale, turtledove.

    MILES tries to take PRISCILLA’s mug away

    PRISCILLA
    Just try it.

    MILES backs off and sits down. An uneasy quiet settles over the room. Priscilla makes a few subtle flirty gestures towards MASSOTIHAN, who looks uncomfortable. When MILES sees her she looks indignant, and just sips more ale. POWANIQUA shoots a few looks at MASSOTIHAN who gives her an “it’s not my fault” gesture right back.

    MASSOTIHAN
    Something smells good. Wild turkey?

    MILES
    Oh yeah….big bastard too. Shot it myself…just me and the old blunderbus, snuck up on that big bird and BLAMMO!!! One roaster.

    PRISCILLA
    (to herself)
    Only retarded turkey in Massachusetts.

    MILES
    What’s happening in the Wampanoag camp these days?

    MASSOTIHAN
    My father-in-law is running for chief again.

    POWANIQUA
    It’d be Daddy’s third term.

    MILES
    Nice.

    MASSOTIHAN
    He keeps saying he can get me on the tribal council, but I don’t know if I’m cut out for politics.

    MILES
    I’m with you there….I’m more a man of action myself.

    PRISCILLA
    Action my ass.

    MILES
    The church…that’s where the big money is, if you’re a self starter. Go out, convert people, build a congregation, develop your own zealots. Great franchise opportunities.

    PRISCILLA
    Miles could have been a town elder by now, but SOMEONE didn’t want to burn that witch last May.

    MILES
    They never proved she was a witch.

    PRISCILLA
    They threw her in a river and she floated! Helllloooooo!!!

    MILES
    It was a stream…it was six inches deep!

    PRISCILLA
    Pussy.

    POWANIQUA
    Europeans have really mixed feelings about magic, don’t they? We’ve always been supportive of magic people like our medicine man…

    PRISCILLA
    Just butt of out this, Missy Pow-Now-Brown-Cow, okay?

    POWANIQUA
    I was just saying…

    PRISCILLA
    Zip-it, you skinny buckskin-wearing bitch.

    POWANIQUA
    Well…I never….I…..

    POWANIQUA runs out the front door crying.

    MASSOTIHAN
    Honey, wait….

    MASSOTIHAN runs after her

    PRISCILLA
    Forget the whiny squaw, Squanto. Mama’s got your spirit quest right here!

    MILES
    Priscilla!

    PRISCILLA
    (running over to the door shouting after MASSOTIHAN)
    Once you go white, you never go back!!!

    MILES
    PRISCILLA!!!

    PRISCILLA
    I’ll give you something to be thankful for…lets’ lose that nobility, noble savage!
    (clapping hand over her mouth like an indian war whoop)
    Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo
    MILES
    Priscilla close that door and get over here right now or I will get the god damned village exorcist, I shit you not!!
    PRISCILLA shuts the door and walks back into the room, and sits.

    MILES (CONT)
    Every time…EVERY time you get a little too much ale in you, you get mean and completely out of control.

    PRISCILLA
    I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. It’s just the holidays…I start missing my family, civilized cities, currency, not having bears in the front yard….

    MILES
    I know honey.

    PRISCILLA
    And we haven’t been…fruitful…in so long.

    MILES
    We live in a one bedroom cabin with 2 kids and no doors Priscilla.

    PRISCILLA
    I know. It just gets to me sometimes.

    MILES hugs her.

    MILES
    Look….why don’t you go make some tea, and let the ale wear off a bit, okay? I’ll go find Masso and Pow and make peace, and then we’ll all have a great Thanksgiving dinner, okay? And after, we’ll figure out how soon we can build a second bedroom.

    PRISCILLA
    Alright honey. I’m sorry. Really.

    MILES hugs PRISCILLA again, then she goes off into the kitchen. The front door opens and MASSOTIHAN re-enters, the sounds of screaming kids playing behind him. MILES runs to the door and shouts out.

    MILES
    (to the kids outside)
    HEY!!! KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE!!! YOU SOUND LIKE A BUNCH OF WILD INDIANS!!!!

    MASSOTIHAN gives MILES a pissed off look

    MILES
    It’s just an expression.

    MASSOTIHAN
    Sure….no problem. I tell my kids all the time to stop acting like anal-retentive puritans.

    MILES
    Okay…sorry. I’ll never say that again, okay? Truce?

    MASSOTIHAN nods

    MILES (CONT)
    How’s Pow?

    MASSOTIHAN
    She’s pissed but she’ll be fine…she’ll be back, she just needs a few minutes.

    MILES
    Good…Priscilla’s sobering up in the kitchen. Look, I’m sorry about all this.

    MILES closes the door. MILES and MASSOTIHAN sit down exhausted in the room.

    MILES
    I thought we’d squeezed all the drama out of this holiday last year, at the first one.

    MASSOTIHAN
    Nope. Trust me – we’ve had feasts for thousands of years. There’s always been drama at these damn things. The elders tell tales of holiday drama passed down from the last ice age.

    MILES
    Does it ever get better?

    MASSOTIHAN
    Nope. People keep trying though. Year after year…”maybe this year will be different”….”maybe next year will be different”. But it never will be.

    MILES
    So how do you guys get through these things without going nuts?

    MASSOTIHAN looks around to see if anyone’s looking, then pulls a peace pipe out of his tunic.

    MASSOTIHAN
    Let’s just celebrate the harvest brother….know what I mean?

    MILES
    Harvest?

    MASSOTIHAN
    Hell yeah….had a bumper crop of Cape Cod Wowee, you feel me?

    MILES
    Now you’re talkin’ my red skinned brother. Let’s sneak out back and make some peace.

    MASSOTIHA
    N and MILES get up, do a fist bump and head out the front door

    MILES (CONT)
    Oh Lord, we thank thee DEEPLY for this bounty we are about to receive….

    FADE OUT.

  • FSW: Autumn Edition

    Nothing like coming in under the wire! This week got unexpectedly crazy, but neither corporate machinations, travel plans, unexpected improv workouts nor the cranky elderly can keep me from my appointed sketch!!!

    Richard gave us “Autumn” as our theme for the week – and Autumn years was what jumped to mind. So below is my ode to “raging against the dying of the light”. Richard gave us a lovely trip through the Autumn foliage. No word from other combtants yet.

    Theme duties will probably fall to me…unless you’ve got a theme you’d like to see us try out for next week, leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs when their sketches are up (no pressure :).

    ________________________________________________________________

    INT. RETIREMENT HOME COMMON ROOM – DAY
    JESSIE sits in a comfy chair next to her grandfather, WILBUR, well into his 80’s. A walker is also nearby.

    JESSSIE
    (showing WILBUR a photo)
    And this was when we went to that petting zoo out near Sturbridge, Grandpa. Danny just loved those goats.

    WILBUR
    You know, ke looks so much like your dad at that age. He’s 3 now?

    JESSSIE
    Three and a half…and he makes sure everyone knows about the half.

    WILBUR
    He’s adorable. I want to see him more soon, when my hip is better and I…

    2 elderly men and one woman, (ED, LES, and FANNY) all wearing red bandanas, roll by slowly in pimped-out wheelchairs (glow lights, spinners on the wheels, bass-thumping Sinatra songs, etc). Each has a can of Ensure in their wheelchair cupholder, and they sip it from time to time like taking a hit off a forty. They stare at WILBUR and JESSIE as slowly roll by. WILBUR takes notice as Jessie pulls out another photo.

    JESSSIE
    (pulling out another photo)
    Oh…and here he is pulling the goat’s tail.

    WILBUR starts to get up

    WILBUR
    Listen honey, you need to go….now.

    JESSSIE
    I just got here Grandpa Wilbur.

    WILBUR
    I know, I’m sorry…I’ll look at those pictures another time, but right now you’ve got to go.

    JESSSIE
    Is something wrong Grandpa?

    WILBUR
    Shut up and leave…now…please!!!

    JESSSIE
    Oh…okay. I’ll email you the rest of those photos Grandpa Wilbur.

    WILBUR
    Fine…whatever…

    JESSIE starts to leave through a side door, looking back at WILBUR as she goes. Just as she gets to the door, LES wheels in and blocks her way.

    LES
    Going somewhere, missy??

    LES wheels in slowly herding JESSIE back into the room. JESSIE goes for another aide door, where FANNY pulls in blocking her way.

    FANNY
    No hurry, child….sit a spell….

    FANNY wheels forward herding Jessie into the middle of the room as well. So JESSIE tries to exit through the upstage door. ED wheels in to block her.

    ED
    Well, well, well….looks like Wilbur has himself a visitor.

    ED herds JESSIE back into the room. LES and FANNY join him, and the three starting wheeling in a circle around JESSIE.

    WILBUR
    That’s my granddaughter E-Dog. She’s just leaving.

    ED
    Nonsense…pretty little thing like that. I bet she has all kinds of stories to share about your great grandkids. Have a seat my dear.

    JESSSIE
    I think I really should be going.

    ED pulls out an automatic handgun.

    ED
    Respect your elders bitch, or I will pop a cap in your ass, you feel me?

    JESSIE sees the gun and slowly sits back down in the comfy chair. LES and FANNY laugh, in phlegmy elderly way.

    ED
    There now, isn’t that better.

    WILBUR
    Look E-Dog, I was going to find you right after Jessie left.

    ED
    Here that posse….Wilbur was just gonna come see us. Ain’t that convenient.

    FANNY
    Sounds like he’s fibbing to me E-Dog.

    JESSSIE
    Exuse me, but who are you people.

    LES
    Watch your tone, missy. You don’t know who you’re messing with.

    ED
    We’re the E-Wing Incontinentals.

    FANNY
    The toughest gang in Shady Oaks.

    LES
    Tougher than the Cripples or the Bleeders.

    ED
    We run this place. And your Grandpa here is behind on his tributes to us.

    JESSSIE
    Look if it’s money you want…

    ED
    What we gonna do with money in here, huh? We can’t buy nothin’, cause there ain’t no place to buy nothin’.

    LES
    We need something better than money…something with some real purchasing power, something we can trade inside.

    FANNY
    Butterscotches.

    ED
    Butterscotch is the really currency in hear…you want afghans, slippers, extra pudding, knitted slippers….butterscotch is gold baby.

    LES
    Word

    WILBUR
    Look E-Dog, I was going to get some…my hip is just taking longer to heal than I thought, that’s all.

    ED
    You got a visitor right there Wilbur….you couldn’t phone and have her bring some?

    FANNY
    Like a big bag…Walgreen’s has them on sale.

    LES
    $3.99 for 3.

    ED
    Yeah Wilbur…how come you didn’t ask her to bring some?

    JESSSIE
    He’s diabetic. I would never bring him candy unless it was that sugar free kind.

    LES
    Sugar free tastes like shit.

    FANNY
    Gives me the toots.

    JESSSIE
    Are you seriously waving a gun at people demanding butterscotches? Are you insane.

    LES
    Watch yourself missy!

    FANNY
    Respect your elders, girly girl!

    JESSSIE
    How about earning my respect. You should know better than to point a gun at someone. You pull that on the wrong person and you could get killed.

    ED
    So what. We ain’t got no future in here.

    LES
    Damn straihgt E-dog.

    ED
    We got what, 10, 20 years left to live? Live fast…

    FANNY
    As fast as you can without hurting yourself

    ED
    Die young.

    LES
    Younger

    ED
    Leave a beautiful corpse

    FANNY
    Leave A corpse.

    JESSSIE
    Now wait…you three have lived long lives and someone who cares very deeply about you put you here where you’d have the best care possible…

    ED
    Bullshit….the whole world has dissed us. Once you’re our age, you don’t got respect, and you don’t got a future….so you gots to live in the now…

    FANNY
    And in the butterscotch….

    ED
    Cause there may be no tomorrow.

    LES
    Word

    ED draws the gun and points it at JESSIE again.

    ED
    And with the gun, I get your undivided attention and respect. People say respect your elders, but ain’t nobody respectin’ elders.

    FANNY takes her can of Ensure and dumps a little on the floor

    FANNY
    For my homey John McCain.

    LES
    For Christ’s sake Fanny, he’s still alive

    ED
    But I’m gettin your respect right now, ain’t I?

    FANNY
    Now get us some butterscotch, bitch!

    LES
    Werther’s….make Her get Werthers.

    ED
    The Incontinentals have spoken young lady-blood…if you want to live I think you best be steppin’ down to Walgreen’s.

    LES
    Word

    JESSSIE
    I’m not doing anything for you – elder or not. You’re just a rude bitter old man.

    ED
    I’m a rude bitter old man with a gun bitch!

    JESSSIE
    Oh yeah? Well how about using it!

    JESSIE gets up and moves behind ED. ED holds the gun up in one hand and tries pushing the wheels with the other as LES and FANNY shout “get her Ed, pop a cap” etc. Using just one hand though, ED just ends up turning left or right and losing his aim….Jessie keeps dodging him, and ED gets more and more frustrated trying to keep up. DERREK, the orderly, walks in.

    DERREK
    Hey! What the hell is going on in here?

    LES
    (forced whisper to FANNY)
    Shit! Five-o!

    DERREK walks right up to ED and takes the gun out of his hands.

    DERREK
    I thought I took that away from you.

    JESSSIE
    That was gutsy…he could have shot you.

    DERREK
    He can’t load any bullets…arthritis. But that doesn’t stop him from stealing this every time we have an ice cream social with the VFW, does it Ed?

    ED
    Call me E-Dog.

    FANNY
    The man…always smacking us down.

    DERREK
    Look…it’s tapicoa night, and Showboat is screening after in the rec room. Why don’t you three get a nap and stop hassling this woman, okay?

    JESSSIE
    Thank you.

    DERREK nods his head and walks out. WILBUR gets up and grabs his walker.

    ED
    (to JESSIE)
    He may have taken my piece, but we ain’t lettin you and your grandpa leave ‘til we get us a butterscotch deal.

    ED, FANNY and LES roll up menacingly on WILBUR and JESSIE. JESSIE pulls the pile of photos out of her purse and throws them at the three geriatric gang bangers.

    JESSSIE
    C’mon Grandpa – let’s get out of here!

    WILBUR starta moving as fast as his walker will allow. ED, FANNY and LES all start looking at the photos.

    FANNY
    Awwwww…look how cute!

    LES
    He sure loves that goat.

    ED
    Oh look…he’s even holding his toy gun properly!

    ED, FANNY and LES look up to see WILBUR and JESSIE leaving. They pause for a moment thinking about pursuit, then go back to the photos.

    ED
    Look at this – he’s got pudding all over his face!

    FANNY
    So cute.

    LES
    Word

    BLACK OUT

  • FSW: Reconciliation

    What a week! California especially has been weird – Obama wins a historic predential election (thankfully!!!! WHOOOOOOHOOOOO), California’s live stock gets breathing room, and California’s gay marriage rights get revoked….go figure. The good news is it ain’t over til the fat lady sings, and the fat ladies life-partner sings harmony.
    There’s lots of reconcilition to be done out there – as historic as Obama’s election is, how the 47.6 percent of US citizens handle it (the ones that like invading countries and buying guns) may be a story unfolding for many years. I’m a happy guy cause my favorite candidate won…that’ll hold me for now.
    Speaking of….reconciliation was our theme for the week. I decided to get a little silly (after hearing an interview with Matt Parker and Trey Stone – creators of South Park – where they said the thing that initially brought them together was a mutual fanatacism for Monty Python). So here’s a very rough stab at a Python sketch inspired by “reconciliation”.
    No word from Michael or David yet, but Richard has taken us out of this world for his volley.
    ___________________________________________________________________
    INT. FIFTIES-STYLE CONFERENCE ROOM

    The room is dark and smoky with light beams streaming from above through the haze. Several men sit around a table, wearing green visors, bow ties, vests, horn rim glasses, and all smoking cigars. The leader, CPA, sits at the head of the table, surrounded by DOUBLE LEDGER, NICKEL, DIME, and RED INK. Each has an old-fashioned adding machine sitting on the conference table in front of them.

    BIG CPA
    Alright boys, this is it – the pieces are in place and we’re about ready to take this joint. Red Ink – report your progress.

    RED INK
    Right Big CPA. I started making small subtractions from the books months ago – a penny there, a dollar here. And I just kept carrying them forward – it would take an average person years to find the errors.

    BIG CPA
    Very nice…Nickel, Dime, what have you two been up to?

    NICKEL
    Ohhhhhh….Beeeg CPA, we have been soooooo naughty.

    DIME
    We keep changing what expenses are allowed….

    NICKEL
    And sending undecipherable memos about it to the executives

    DIME
    When they submit expense reports, we randomly select items to approve, and write checks for them…

    NICKEL
    But we don’t say which they are…so the executives won’t deposit those checks until they figure it out.

    DIME
    Which they never will!!!!

    NICKEL AND DIME
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

    BIG CPA
    Diabolical boys. Double Ledger, what have you got?

    DOUBLE LEDGER
    I invented this special carbon paper. It automatically misaligns to any ledger you set it on. Every time someone makes an entry in the books, it moves it one line down in carbon copy, so all the entries are confusing and make no sense! And only I have the master ledger!!!

    BIG CPA
    Excellent work DL! I’ve been explaining our quarterly taxes to the boys upstairs using made up words – like “acrumulation” and “ficundosity” – just to confuse them. The words mean nothing, but sound official, so none of the execs have any idea what our real financial situation is.

    NICKEL
    Nice one…

    DIME
    Boss!

    BIG CPA
    In short boys, we’ve made accounting unbelievably illegible and complex around here…so the Staplelite corporation ever wants its books straightened out it will have to put us, the Axis of Accounts, in charge!

    RED INK
    At last!!! The accountants will run things! We won’t be the corporate weenies anymore!

    BIG CPA stands up and places his hand on the return pull handle of the adding machine in front of him. The others follow suit.

    BIG CPA
    Gentlemen…..I give you the Axis…
    (He pulls the handle twice….ca-chink, ca-chink)
    Of Accountants!!!!

    ALL
    THE AXIS…
    (ca-chink, ca-chink)
    OF ACCOUNTANTS!!!

    THE RECONCILER (O.S.)
    I wouldn’t count your profits before you tallied your accounts receivable if I were you.

    DOUBLE LEDGER
    Jiggers! It’s The Reconciler!!!

    The Reconciler, a man in a black eyes mask like the Lone Ranger, wearing a blue suit and stylish fedora steps out from the shadows.

    THE RECONCILER
    That’s right Double Ledger, and it’s time I liquidated your assets!!!

    BIG CPA
    Nickel, Dime…get him!

    NICKEL and DIME jump up and start circling THE RECONCILER, brandishing sharpened pencils at him. RECONCILER looks at them for a moment, then pulls out a slide rule. They duel furiously, and the RECONCILER loses his slide rule, then catches NICKEL and DIMES pencils, one in each hand, as they lunge at him. With his thumbs, he breaks the tips off their pencils. NICKEL and DIME stare in disbelief as THE RECONCILER wraps them up with a roll of adding machine paper.

    RED INK jumps into the fray.

    RED INK
    Stay back Reconciler! Or you’ll end up….
    (pulls a bottle of red ink out of his pocket)
    …in the red!!!!

    THE RECONCILER
    Do your worst, Red Ink!

    RED INK splashes ink from his bottle all over THE RECONCILER, but it does nothing.

    RED INK
    It…..it can’t be!!!

    THE RECONCILER
    My suit is colored with the ink from a thousand leaking bic sticks! Your red ink will have no effect!

    RED INK
    No!!!! No!!!! It can’t be! Red ink affects eveyone!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!

    RED INK slumps gibbering into the corner.

    BIG CPA
    Double Ledger – hit him with your books!!!

    DOUBLE LEDGER
    I’m an accountant….I’ve never been the physical type.

    DOUBLE LEDGER throws himself out the conference room window.

    THE
    RECONCILER
    It’s just you and me now, Big CPA.

    BIG CPA pulls some papers out from under the table

    BIG CPA
    Wrong Masked Mathematician! It’s you, me, and your tax return from last year!

    THE RECONCILER
    How….how did you get that?

    BIG CPA
    Let’s see….looks like someone took an awfully big deduction for entertainment expenses last year.

    THE RECONCILER
    That’s completely legal – I threw a party thanking the Justice League for letting me to do their taxes. It was a way of getting repeat business which is allowed under 1956 tax law.

    BIG CPA
    Well then, how do you explain this deduction for your super car – the Add-illac?

    THE RECONCILER
    It counts as a government vehicle, since I fight for truth, justice and tax law. Therefore I can write off the entire cost of the vehicle in the year I buy it.

    BIG CPA
    Ahh, but you deducted operating expenses too…that deduction was disallowed in the section 405 amendment!

    THE RECONCILE
    Interesting….you must have learned that in a seminar last year, huh?

    BIG CPA
    Seminar? I haven’t been to a tax seminar in decades!!!! I just read the IRS updates!

    THE RECONCILER
    That’s what I thought…and that means you’re no longer a CPA!

    BIG CPA
    Nooooooo!!!!!! It can’t be!!!!

    THE RECONCILER
    The state requires 10 education hours for each CPA every year, and you haven’t got them! By the authority granted me by the state of Ohio, I revoke your certification…you’re powerless!

    The doors open, several old-style police officers rush in, as well as Martin Palmer, CEO.

    THE RECONCILER
    Take them away boys…and be sure to throw their doctored books at them.

    MARTIN
    Good work Reconciler. How can the Staplelite corporation ever thank you?

    THE RECONCILER
    You’re a CEO Martin, you should never have to thank an accountant. But know that I’ll be out there, searching for better ledger systems, trying to find tools that make it easier for idiots to math, looking for automated self contained systems that do accounting accurately and quickly without socially awkward introverts being involved in the process. And I won’t rest until accountancy is something anyone can do easily, anytime, anywhere, any place!

    THE RECONCILER starts to head out.

    MARTIN
    Uhhh…Reconciler?

    THE RECONCILER
    Yes Martin?

    MARTIN
    My books still need cleaning up….you weren’t going to walk off and just leave them with errors were you?

    THE RECONCILER
    No Martin, I just figured I’d wait until Monday too…

    MARTIN
    Did you have plans over the weekend?

    THE RECONCILER
    Well, no…Wonder Woman is having this party though…

    MARTIN
    Did she invite you?

    THE RECONCILER
    Ummm….no, not verbally or in a written invite but I think….

    MARTIN
    Oh good, then you’re free. Why don’t you get started then, and maybe you’ll be finished in time to crash the party you weren’t invited to. I’ve got a golf game to get to.

    THE RECONCILER
    Ummmm….sure Martin. Whatever you say.

    MARTIN
    You’re a life save Reconciler!

    BLACK OUT