INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

ZACH and his wife MARION, both in their late 30’s / early 40’s, are asleep in their bed. The lights are out, the clock radio on the night stand shows 3:34, and the only illumination is a shaft of moonlight through the window. A light snowfall drifts lazily down outside.

The bedroom door opens a sliver showing a little light from the hallway. Five or six small silhouettes creep inside the door. They move slowly and silently towards the bed. As they get about half way there it becomes obvious they are wearing some sort of high-tech head gear that goes over their eyes. They raise their hands to their eyes, and click an unseen switch. A quiet "whir" is heard, and a green glow comes from lenses over the figures eyes. The head gear is some sort of high-tech night vision. One small figure makes military-type hand gestures to the others, and they flank the bed. They hold position as the lead figure raises a fist in the air, then yanks it down quickly, as if to say "go". In a blur of motion the small figures strap ZACH and MARION to the bed with garland and gag them with oranges. One silhouette flips the light switch on in the room as the others tilt the bed up. ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds to no avail. All of the small silhouettes are now revealed to be Christmas elves in camo face-paint, and black special forces-style gear (but with curly-toed shoes of course). One elf, PETEY, talks into his headset mic.

PETEY

Tree this is Trimming, over.

TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)

This is Tree, go Trimming.

PETEY

Tree, nothing is stirring, not even a mouse. Send in Big Red.

TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)

Roger, Trimming. Big Red is inbound.

The door opens again, and SANTA walks in, looking a bit pissed. He walks slowly over to the bed where ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds.

SANTA

Soo….Zach and Marion Webster, of 425 Willow Drive. That you?

ZACH and MARION nod slowly.

SANTA

And you got three lovely, lovely children…Austin, Dylan and Cailyn?

ZACH and MARION nod yes again.

SANTA

WE need to have a little talk. Petey here is going to remove those oranges so we can talk, nice and civilized. We can be grownups here, right?

ZACH and MARION nod again

SANTA

But one shout and my boys will go to town on you.

PETEY holds up a stuffed Christmas stocking.

SANTA

Those are filled with broken candy canes. They don’t leave bruises but they mess you up inside. We understand one another?

MARION and ZACH nod yet again, their eyes a lot wider now. SANTA nods to PETEY, and PETEY gestures to the other elves to remove the oranges. ZACH and MARION inhale sharply.

ZACH

You’re…I mean you look like…

SANTA

Santa Claus…Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Father Christmas whatever you want to call me.

MARION

But..you’re nice…why would you…

SANTA

Bind a torture a nice couple like you?

ZACH

Torture?

SANTA

Maybe…depends.

MARION

On what?

SANTA

On how cooperative you plan on being.

ZACH

You’re Santa Claus…we’re happy to help you out any way we can.

SANTA

Oh yeah? Then tell me…Austin, Dylan and Cailyn….naughty or nice?

ZACH and MARION look at each other. SANTA gestures to PETEY. Several elves move in and whack ZACH with filled Christmas stockings. ZACH winces in pain.

SANTA

I thought you were gonna be all cooperative with jolly old Saint Nick?

MARION

We’ll cooperate! We’ll cooperate!

SANTA

So are they naughty or nice, Marion?

MARION

I…I…

SANTA

Naughty or nice??? Answer me!!!

SANTA gestures and the elves whack Marion with the stuffed stockings.

ZACH

Stop it! Please!

SANTA

Answer me!

MARION

I thought knew these things…you know, "sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake"?

SANTA

Well you thought wrong. Watching Children 24 / 7 is immoral. I don’t know what pedophile freak decided to attribute that to me, but if I ever catch the son of a bitch I will personally stuff that mother fucker down his own goddamn chimney.

ZACH

Spying on children is wrong but torturing parents is okay?

PETEY moves to hit ZACH with the sack again but SANTA waves him off. SANTA goes over and grabs ZACH’s face.

SANTA

Look my friend, there is a war on. I pop down the wrong chimney one night and BOOM! I’m a hostage with a ransom video showing 24/7 on Al Jazeera. Maybe I some bad naughty-versus-nice intelligence on some kid, so I give him a that robotic Lego thingy he wants. Next thing I know his making improvised explosive devices and dropping them by the side of the road. Nuh uh…I’m not taking any chances – I’m taking matters into my own hands and making DAMN sure I know who’s naughty and nice.

MARION

You’re Santa…no one wants to hurt you. You’re a symbol of goodness and generosity.

SANTA

Exactly…I’m a symbol, a very public and well known symbol. People would love to take me down, or catch me being nice to some seriously naughty fucker….ruin my reputation, incarcerate me for aiding and abetting a known naughty. Goddamn liberal press would eat me alive.

ZACH

Wow…you are seriously paranoid. You sound like a republican.

SANTA

I’ve been GOP since Eisenhower, jerkwad.

MARION

Wait…you really ARE republican?

SANTA

No shit Mrs. Sherlock. You think I wear red because it’s slimming?

ZACH

We didn’t mean any insult…

SANTA

I’m goddamn proud to be republican. Hell, Nixon was the one that got me keeping lists and checking them twice. I used to fly Christmas Eve recon missions over Cambodia for that administration in the early 70’s. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have given him that audio tape shredder though. The damn Bushes are in-laws – or did think that uncanny resemblance between Barbara Bush and Mrs. Claus was a coincidence?

MARION< /p>

Times are changing…the world is changing.

SANTA

Don’t remind me. All my wiretap authorizations are being revoked, you can’t get a free pass from the justice department anymore, no matter how much you donate to the GOP. I’ll probably be forced to close my internment camp at the north pole too, and put all the detainees on trial.

ZACH

You have an internment camp?

SANTA

Gitmo North. For the super-naughty.

MARION

Santa, things are changing all over, fast. People are tired of being paranoid, tired of fear mongering, tired of being at odds with the rest of the planet. We need hope, not renegade gunslingers.

ZACH

That’s right. Everyone in the world is struggling with the economy now, and we’re all just trying to find ways to stay afloat. We don’t need a symbol who only gives gifts to the people HE thinks are deserving. We need someone who gives generously and freely to all, regardless of color,creed or politics.

SANTA

Even the gays?

ZACH and MARION look at each other for a moment, thinking.

MARION

That’s still your call really. But be the person you started to be. Be that symbol of kindness and unconditional love. Take a few things on faith, and give the world what it needs most….hope.

SANTA pauses and thinks.

SANTA

You stole that speech from Barack Obama didn’t you?

ZACH and MARION shrug as if to say "You caught us"

SANTA (CONT)

It’s a good speech though.

SANTA pauses again and thinks more

SANTA

Petey, untie them.

PETEY

But Santa…

SANTA

Just do it. And then let’s go – we’ve got a lot more gifts to give out than we planned on.

PETEY gestures to the other elves, and they remove the garland that ties ZACH and MARION to their bed

PETEY

(into headset mic)

Tree, this is Trimming. We’re standing down. Roof evac in 3 minutes.

SANTA

(to ZACH and MARION)

You two better be right. I’m going to take a few things on faith, and I’ll probably give presents to some questionably naughty people. If anything goes down it’s on your heads.

ZACH

You won’t regret it Santa. It’s time to reach out and rejoin the world and get past this “us and them” mentality.

MARION

Right, and you’ll see we can all come together to rebuild America, liberal and conservative.

SANTA

Only a liberal would say that.

MARION

Sorry.

SANTA

Look….sorry about the tying-up thing. I’ll make sure there’s a new Prius in your driveway tomorrow morning, okay? Elves, we’re pulling out. Petey, take point.

PETEY and the elves exit through the bedroom door. SANTA gets to the door, stops and turns around.

SANTA

And…umm, Merry Christmas.

ZACH

Merry Christmas to you Santa!

MARION

And goodwill to all!

SANTA

God I hate liberals.

SANTA exits. BLACKOUT