Sketch War

Tag: Ken

  • FSW: Spiner and Fry Edition (Ken’s Entry)

    David mentioned that this was a unique challenge, and I definitely agree. Not only were we trying to write for established actors with fairly distinctive styles, but hopefully to create something that could be expanded into a television show.

    Gulp!

    In some ways, this felt more about writing the world’s shortest pilot than a sketch.

    I’m sure I’ll be kicking more ideas around over the week, because I’d love to come up with stuff that feels a little more modern (along the lines of “The Office”, “Extras” or “30 Rock”), but here’s my first wild stab:
    _______________________________________________________________

    INT. BRITISH PUB – NIGHT

    ELTON, a stout British man in his mid-fifties sits alone at a quiet table amidst a smattering of other quiet patrons. He wears a tweed jacket with elbow patches an a tartan bowtie. He occasionally sips a beer while reading a classic-looking book through wire-rimmed round glasses. The barkeep dries glasses behind the bar.
    Offstage the door to the pub opens. ELTON looks up as GENE speaks to an unseen crowd in an American accent.

    GENE (O.S.)

    OH YEAH!!! OXFORD LOVES THE GENE-MACHINE BABY!!! AND THE GENE-MACHINE LOVES YOU RIGHT BACK!!! GOOD NIGHT OXFORD!!! STAY CLASSICAL YOU HORNY BASTARDS!!!

    ELTON shakes his head and buries his nose back in his book. The door closes, and GENE enters. He is a lanky-sort in his late fifties, with flowing gray hair and the bearing of a bad-boy rock star. He wears a emerald velvet jacket collar turned up, and gold silk scarf. GENE walks over ELTON’s table, spins on his heels, pulls the spare chair out, straddles and sits across from ELTON, staring at him. ELTON ignores GENE for a moment, then speaks.

    ELTON

    I take it your lecture was well received?

    GENE

    Un-be-freaking-lieveable!

    ELTON

    Oh good, another spontaneously invented word.

    GENE

    Mind blowing Elton. I had no idea I was this good.

    ELTON

    You rarely miss noticing amazing things about yourself.

    GENE

    The whole room just wanted me…badly.

    ELTON

    Shakespearean dissertations have that affect on people.

    GENE

    I could see people wiggling in their seats!

    ELTON

    Sexual desire and rapt boredom look so similar.

    GENE

    Yeah…that confused me at first. But by the end…huh? How do you explain that?

    ELTON

    Sadly, I missed the ending. I left somewhere between the 60 foot laser animation of Romeo and Juliet freak dancing and your third failed attempt to stage dive.

    GENE

    I can’t believe you missed the end! It was epic. So I’m wrapping up with my thoughts on “To be or not to be”, right? But, like, not many people know that speech, right?

    ELTON

    Only ninety-eight or ninety-nine percent of Oxford students could recite it from memory.

    GENE

    Right! So I want to make sure it sticks with people, because it’s a pretty good speech to know. So I have this stripper pole lowered from the ceiling, and I start doing the speech, ripping off clothes as I do, dancing around the pole like Hamlet is dancing around his destiny.

    ELTON

    That metaphor is now dead to me.

    GENE

    I get near the end of the speech, and I’m down to just my pants. I climb up the pole and do one of those lean backwards, upside down things, facing the audience, legs clinched around the top, and I rip the pants off. I say the last line with a ruff collar around each thigh and Shakespeare’s head covering my boys. The crowd’s response was…

    ELTON

    Uncontrollable vomiting?

    GENE

    Total stunned silence.

    ELTON

    My second guess.

    GENE

    They were so overwhelmed they couldn’t make a sound.

    ELTON

    You sure they weren’t keeping their jaws clamped shut vis a vis the aforementioned vomiting?

    GENE

    Jaws were dropped open all over that auditorium.

    ELTON

    >Not surprising.

    GENE

    And you…head of the English department. You missed it.

    ELTON

    Yes…What was I thinking?

    GENE rips the book from ELTON’s hands.

    GENE

    Bleak House? You left MY lecture to sit in a pub and read Bleak House?

    ELTON

    Careful…that’s a rare edition.

    GENE

    Oooohhhh…better rush home and read Bleak House one more time. Dickens will release that sequel any day now.

    ELTON takes his book back from GENE

    ELTON

    (shouting)

    Well at least I’m versed in the Goddamn material I teach!!!

    The whole room goes deathly quiet. ELTON looks around slightly embarrassed, then start speaking to GENE again in a more hushed tone.

    ELTON

    Look, may I speak frankly?

    GENE

    You’re British, I doubt it.

    ELTON

    The Oxford trustees forced me to invite you to be a guest instructor. One of them read an article in People about you…

    GENE

    I opened for Britney Spears at Yale.

    ELTON

    They thought you had a new voice, some new insight into Shakespearean literature.

    GENE

    I was put on this Earth to make Shakespeare sexy.

    ELTON

    You’re making it repulsive! You’re an arrogant self-absorbed moron who has no insight into the works of William Shakespeare whatsoever, and you hide your astounding stupidity beneath stale rock concert effects and strip-club vulgarity!

    GENE

    You’re just jealous of my obvious sex appeal.

    ELTON

    There is nothing appealing about a man nearing sixty hanging upside down from a stripper pole in a thong!

    GENE

    And ruff collars.

    ELTON

    Doesn’t improve the overall visual. Now, if this is all you have to offer Oxford, I’m afraid we will have to terminate your stay immediately.

    MARJORIE, an attractive woman in her forties walks over. She is also British, and dressed very conservatively.

    MARJORIE

    Good evening Doctor Lonsberry.

    EL
    TON immediately stands up, all smiles and nerves.

    ELTON

    Oh, Good Evening Professor Elsbeth. I had no idea you frequented this pub.

    MARJORIE

    I come here every night. In fact, I’ve seen you in here several times since I told you I loved coming here and reading Dickens.

    ELTON

    Oh…yes….so you have…and so you did…ah, my mind is such a sieve sometimes Marjorie…ha ha…may I call you Marjorie?

    MARJORIE

    Am I interrupting something?

    ELTON

    Not at all…Professor Douglas and I were just discussing his lecture tonight.

    MARJORIE

    Yes…I saw that…performance. I sat there all the way to the bitter end.

    ELTON

    Look Marjorie, if I’d had any idea how his presentation would go, believe me I would’ve…

    MARJORIE approaches GENE with an intense glare in her eyes.

    MARJORIE

    Professor Douglas. I refuse to let you leave this pub until you…

    Marjorie rips open her blouse

    MARJORIE (CONT)

    …sign my cleavage.

    GENE stands up, pulls a Sharpie out of his jacket, and signs MARJORIE’s chest

    MARJORIE (CONT)

    Now put Shakespeare’s signature right underneath.

    GENE does

    MARJORIE

    Dear God man, where have you been hiding? Hamlet has never gotten me so hot. I had to have 3 cigarettes after your lecture. I must run to the lavatory, but when I return, I want to see how much of a Rogue and Peasant slave you are, you naughty man.

    MARJORIE kisses GENE hard then walks off, flirting with him the whole way. ELTON just watches, stunned. GENE sits down, looking smug.

    ELTON

    Ummm….soo.

    GENE

    Yes?

    ELTON

    I’ve got a Dickens seminar next month. How would you attach mutton chops and a stovepipe hat so that wouldn’t fall off when upside down?

    BLACK OUT

  • FSW: Pimp my TV (bonus entry from Ken)

    Well, I couldn’t resist. I had this idea when I was working on the Facts of Life sketch earlier for this weeks “Pimp My TV” theme, and people giggled everytime I mentioned it. So, I just had to write it up. I’m just being a little high-concept sketch piggy this week 🙂

    Anyway, hope you enjoy this:
    _____________________________________________________

    INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY

    Close up on a tuxedo clad handsome blond man in his early thirties, DR. CHASE, adjusts his clothes for a night out when the camera freezes on a closeup of his face

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Dr. Jonathan Chase… wealthy, young, handsome. A man with the brightest of futures. A man with the darkest of pasts. From Africa’s deepest recesses, to the rarefied peaks of Tibet, heir to his father’s legacy and the world’s darkest mysteries. Jonathan Chase, master of the secrets that divide man from animal, animal from man

    The camera un-freezes. The doorbell rings and DR. CHASE answers. CHICO, a young handsome latino in his early twenties stands there.

    CHICO

    Hey, man…you need, like, any help with the gardening, or maybe someone to wash your limo?

    Freeze on a close up of CHICO’S face

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Chico Juarez…unemployed, young, latino. A man with a questionable future. A man with a past no one cares about. Heir to his cousin’s Econovan, master of the dance floor.

    Camera un-freezes. DR. CHASE walks over to CHICO and puts his hand on his shoulder.
    The Ghostly head of Dr. Chase’s father, Dr. CHASE Senior appears. Only DR. CHASE can see or hear it.

    DR. CHASE SENIOR

    (in an ethereal voice)

    Jonathan…this man can help you in your quest…accept his aid

    The head fades

    DR. CHASE

    My friend, providence has brought us together.

    CHICO

    No man…I just noticed you got, like, the only mansion in the barrio. So I figure you got money and you like Mexicans, si hermano? Hey, nice threads, man! Hot date tonight?

    Camera freezes on the two men facing other in profile.

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Together, they’re an unstoppable crime-fighting force of nature.

    They turn to silhouettes and titles fly in:
    CHICO AND THE MANIMAL

    CUT TO:

    INT. LIMO – NIGHT

    CHICO, now wears a chauffeur’s uniform and drives, while DR. CHASE, still in his tuxedo.

    CHICO

    Why we gotta follow this car man? My cousin is the bouncer at this hot club…wall to wall chicas.

    DR. CHASE

    They’re stopping. Quick…the window.

    CHICO stops the car, and presses a button lowering a back window. DR. CHASE transforms into a black panther. After a dramatic snarl the panther leaps out the back window in slow motion. CHICO stares ahead looking on in awe.

    CHICO

    Go get ‘em Dr. Chase.

    CHICO notices a smell in the air. After sniffing he looks in the back seat.

    CHICO

    Awww man…you chase bad guys, I get to hose out the back seat…again!!! Madre de Dios.

    CUT TO:

    INT. MANSION ENTRYWAY – DAY

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    With the unknowing assistance of Detective Brooke Mackenzie, they’ll fight to take back the city from the evil that consumes it.

    BROOKE MACKNZIE, a beautiful blonde police detective in her late twenties addresses DR. CHASE

    BROOKE

    If you do see a panther in the area, don’t try to subdue it yourself.

    DR. CHASE

    Of course detective Mackenzie. But how curious that a wild animal like that was such an aid in apprehending those arms dealers.

    BROOKE

    Yes, it was curious…are you sure…

    CHICO enters, looking at BROOKE and obviously attracted. BROOKE notices CHICO, and stumbles over her words.

    BROOKE (CONT)

    I…ummm…

    CHICO

    Que pasa, chica?

    CHICO walks around BROOKE, slowly checking her out. BROOKE giggles slightly

    DR. CHASE

    But the panther was of tremendous help…one might even say heroic in it’s actions.

    BROOKE

    Oh God yeah…it was so…so hot…helpful, I mean…oh yeah, soooooooo helpful. He moves so gracefully…IT..IT moved!

    CUT TO:

    EXT. ABANDONED DIRT LOT – NIGHT

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Together, they’ll face everything the mean streets can throw at them

    CHICO drags DR. CHASE around the corner of a chain link fence, falling back against it. Both men are scraped, bloody and bruised, with large rips in their clothes. CHICO looks back to make sure they weren’t followed.

    DR. CHASE

    You’ve saved my life my friend. I’m forever in your debt.

    CHICO

    Just promise me one thing.

    DR. CHASE

    Anything.

    CHICO

    Don’t EVER change into a chicken in the barrio again. It’s suicide!

    CUT TO:

    INT. WAREHOUSE LOFT – NIGHT

    CHICO talks to JORGE, while DR. CHASE stands nearby.

    CHICO

    (to DR. CHASE)

    Jorge’s my cousin, it’s cool. Show him.

    DR. CHASE looks nervous, then transforms into a panther.

    JORGE

    Madre de Dios! It’s true!

    JORGE runs off screen and returns a black velvet canvas on an easel, and starts painting the panther in neon colores. CHICO smiles

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    When animal magnetism meets latin heat, it can only be…

    Titles fly in as the ANNOUNCER says them

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    Chico….and the Manimal!

    BLACK OUT

  • FSW: Pimp my TV (Ken’s Entry)

    Looks like I got the honor of being the first warrior on the field of battle this week…

    So this week we had a little change up, and got our sketch inspiration from the Pimp My TV contest going on at Filmaker Frenzy (http://www.filmmakingfrenzy.com/sites/filmfrenzy_beta/ViewFrenzy.aspx?FrenzyId=18) . In the tradition of John Woo doing Mission: Impossible and JJ Abrams directing Star Trek, I decided to go with classic show reinterpreted by iconic director.

    Take it away Mr. Director:
    _________________________________________________

    SLOW FADE IN:

    EXT. – PREP SCHOOL – DAY

    Snow flakes fall on the tops of an evergreen forest. As the camera descends in slow motion, we can see the red ceramic tiles of an estate-like building under a light blanket of snow, then we see big glass windows, beige stone, big wooden doors, concrete benches in the courtyard, and a brick walkway leading to the door.

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    This Christmas, one of America’s most celebrated directors brings one of America’s grittiest television shows to the big screen.

    Music starts, and the first words of “Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon” by Urge Overkill are sung

    SINGER (V.O.)

    Girl….you’ll be a woman, soon…

    The music continues as the camera settles close to the ground in the middle of the brick sidewalk. Four girls – one blond, one brunette, one African American, and one heavier girl – all in prep-school uniforms (red plaid skirts, knee socks, navy-blue sweaters, carrying books) walk past the camera still in slow motion.
    The camera shifts around so we can see the school girls in profile. It goes down the line showing each girl’s face, pausing long enough for their name to be captioned with a name:

    Blonde girl’s caption: BLAIR
    Brunette girl’s caption: JO
    Heavy-set girl’s caption: NATALIE
    African-American girl’s caption: TOOTIE

    They stop in equal stances framing the big front door, which opens to reveal matronly woman in her late 50’s with bright orange hair (MRS. GARRETT).

    Caption comes up on screen: EDNA GARRETT

    MRS. GARRETT

    You lazy bitches better get in this motherfuckin’ cafeteria or I will get medieval on your asses, I shit you not!

    Titles come up on screen:

    QUENTIN TARANTINO’S
    FACTS OF LIFE

    CUT TO:

    INT. CAFETERIA – DAY

    MRS. GARRETT locks the doors behind the girls.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Listen up. Drummond’s fast tracked this job – it’s big. Gear up.

    JO, BLAIR, TOOTIE and NATALIE go pull folding cafeteria tables out from the walls. Behind them are racks of guns, knives, swords, etc. The girls start pulling them out and strapping them on.

    MRS. GARRETT

    We pull this off, and Drummond keeps Edna’s Edibles in flour, sugar, coke for a long time. Code names…Blair you’re Ms. Blond. Jo, you’re Ms. Brunette. Tootie you’re Ms. Black. Natalie, you’re Ms. Michelin.

    NATALIE is visibly pissed. The girls, armed and wearing black suits, black ties, white shirts and Ray Bans come to the middle of the room.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Drummond wants this clean, capice?

    BLAIR

    We need to make this quick. I got a date tonight.

    JO

    Me too.

    TOOTIE

    Me too.

    Everyone looks at NATALIE who keeps quiet.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Natalie, you’ve got clean up.

    They all exit, with NATALIE hesitating before following

    CUT TO:

    INT. EDNA’S EDIBLES – NIGHT

    MRS. GARRETT snorts lines of coke off the glass pastry case she stands behind in small bakery cafe cash. JO, TOOTIE and BLAIR tidy up around the shop

    MRS. GARRETT

    I can’t believe Natalie missed her shift. She never misses a chance to be around food. Something’s fucked up.

    The big storefront glass window with the words “Edna’s Edibles” explodes inward. NATALIE bursts through and unloads a pump-action shotgun blast into the pastry case. Three girls in prep-school uniforms and zipper-mouthed leather bondage masks stand behind her brandishing identical shotguns.

    NATALIE

    The motherfuckin’ cookbook…NOW!!!

    MRS. GARRETT tosses her a big book with a glare.

    NATALIE

    Edna’s Edibles is permanently closed…people in this neighborhood will eat at “Natalie’s Noshes”.

    NATALIE and the masked girls back out of the cafe with the book, and toss in several molotov cocktails. MRS. GARRETT speaks as the flames get higher around her.

    MRS. GARRETT

    (yelling)

    You can’t run bitch! My righteous fury shall be tempered in your flames, and my vengeance shall rain down upon thee like all the plagues of Egypt. Behold, for I shall come upon thee like a thief in the night, and that is a fact!!!

    CUT TO:

    INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT

    MARK, a teenage prep-school boy, sits tied to a metal chair under a single hanging bulb. His face is bruised and bloody. BLAIR, TOOTIE and JO stand around him.

    TOOTIE

    He ain’t gonna squeal where Natalie’s at.

    JO

    Bring in the gimp.

    BLAIR snaps her fingers. A door opens showing a sliver of light and a tall shambling figure walks in. Sweat pours down MARK’s terrified face as he hears the scarping footsteps in the dark. He’s almost ready to scream when the mystery figure, GERI, steps into the light and starts speaking

    GERI

    Hi I’m Geri. I’m Blair’s cousin, and I have cerebral palsy, but that won’t stop me from entertaining you with 30 minutes of people-positive comedy!

    MARK

    (screaming)

    AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

    CUT TO:

    INT. PENTHOUSE APARTMENT – DAY

    NATALIE and her masked girls kick in the white double doors and enter. NATALIE wears a samurai sword strapped to her back

    NATALIE

    Fan out…Drummond’s here some place.

    A short African American boy, ARNOLD, flies in and takes out the three masked girls with some fast acrobatic kung fu. He lands in front of the stair case. He also has a samurai sword strapped to his back.

    ARNOLD

    Mr. Drummond’s out.

    NATALIE pulls a .45 from her waistband and aims it at ARNOLD.

    NATALIE

    Says who?

    ARNOLD whips out a throwing star that rips the .45 Out of NATALIE’s grasp.

    ARNOLD

    Says me.

    NATALIE draws her samurai sword and goes into a dueling stance.

    NATALIE

    I’ll go upstairs and wait.

    ARNOLD pulls his sword and goes into his dueling stance.

    ARNOLD

    What you talkin’ ‘bout, bitch?

    CUT TO:

    INT. MUSCLE CAR – NIGHT

    JO drives, BLAIR rides shotgun, TOOTIE sits in the middle of the back seat. All wear Ray Bans that reflect street lights as they drive the black 1967 Dodge Charger. They stare straight ahead intensely as the engine roars, and don’t speak for a long time.

    JO

    You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?

    BLAIR

    Natalie would know.

    TOOTIE

    Natalie knows food.

    CUT TO:

    INT. CRUMBLING WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

    NATALIE has her sword drawn as do JO, TOOTIE and BLAIR. The three circle her. NATALIE is dirty, sweaty, and her school uniform torn. A spotlight pops on illuminating MRS. GARRET on the catwalk above the factory floor. Half of her face is scarred from horrific burns, making her twisted smile more horrifying.

    MRS. GARRETT

    Poor Natalie….the world never seems to be living up to your dreams. Girls, teach her a little life lesson for me.

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    You take the good…

    Close up on NATALIE

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    You take the bad…

    Close up on MRS. GARRETT

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

    You take ‘em both and there you have…

    High shot of the girls circling NATALIE
    JO, BLAIR and TOOTIE lunge at NATALIE with swords above their heads poised to slash. The screen goes completely black and titles slowly fade up:

    QUENTIN TARANTINO’S
    FACTS OF LIFE

    Coming Soon

    This film is not yet rated

    FADE TO BLACK.

  • Happy Birthday, Ken

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Six white dudes sit around a table in a manly, meat-oriented restaurant. Glasses of beer sit at various levels of fullness in front of each man, a half-full pitcher in the center of the table.

    KEN

    That was great, guys. Thanks.

    DAVE

    It’s not over yet.

    KEN

    You mean?

    PETER

    Oh yeah!

    INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

    KEN sits blindfolded on a straight-backed chair in the middle of the room. The other five men sit facing Ken in a rough circle.

    KEN

    Guys, this is awesome. Thanks.

    MICHAEL

    You deserve it.

    A CLOWN walks into the room holding a seltzer bottle in one hand and a cream pie in the other.

    KEN

    Is she here yet?

    RA

    She?

    The clown sprays Ken in the face. He removes his blindfold and immediately gets a pie in the kisser.

    KEN, DAVE, PETER, MICHAEL, RA, DAVID W.

    Happy Birthday!

    KEN

    You guys!

    The clown pulls another cream pie from behind his back and puts it square in Kens face.

    BLACKOUT:

  • Thoughts on sketch comedy

    There’s a lot of sketch comedy out there, and a lot of ideas on what makes sketch work. Even on our little platoon of sketch-warriors, you can see different schools of thought at work in our material. I thought I’d kick out some of the guiding principles I use when I’m working on a sketch.

    I think I’m the only active performer in our group (Mr. Brownlee’s recent leading role aside :). I do 2-4 live improv shows a month, varying from “Whose Line” type shows to full length improvised musicals and Quentin Tarantino homages. So I think I always have that feeling of making something work on stage when I work on pieces.

    The sketches that I’ve always loved have always had a satirical edge to them – like Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin sketches , Dave Chapelle’s Ethnic Draft on the Chapelle show, Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks or Upper Class Twit of the Year (the Pythons were MASTERS of absurd satire). Satire to me isn’t necessarily political, they just have a target, something to say. They also have a basis in some readily apparent truth. Mad TV never did much for me because their sketches always seemed to be about throwing the weirdest possible character into some situation, and letting the wackiness begin. In the end, the sketch didn’t give us any food for thought, so our brains would toss it to make room for more important stuff. Every week when we get a topic, I look at it from the standpoint of “is there an aspect of this topic that I have a strong opinion about”, and start from there. If nothing comes from the topic itself, I explode it out until I find something I have an opinion about – “3:34am” led me to thinking about torture tactics, “advertising” led me to thinking about car ads, the current state of the American automobile industry and how it got that way.

    Once I have that I start thinking about the characters and relationships. I try to work on those at first more so than the narrative (plot) of the sketch. Creating a comic character, which is really just an exceptionally flawed human being, who breathes and reacts emotionally as he \ she tries to navigate through some situation generally leads me to plot points and actions more unique than I could find by sitting down and plotting things out. The relationship thing is definitely driven by my performer side – improv scenes that have a chance of going anywhere are always relationship driven. This is also where conflict, objectives (what the characters want) and obstacles (what stops them from getting it) comes from.

    Sometimes there isn’t an obvious relationship in a sketch – the car ad this week is a great example. But there is still a relationship, and objective, and an obstacle to be overcome with different tactics. The relationship in the car ad is bewteen the car companies and the viewing consumer. The car makers want people to buy, the consumer doesnt’t want to because times are tough. Objectives and obstacles – we’ve got some drama…whooohooo! The relationship then comes in – the car makers are pissed at consumers (us), so they’ll smack us with overwhleming Americana to make us feel heroic and patriotic, none of which has a damn thing to do with buying a car. The rest of the ad then becomes the car maker doing whatever they can to convince the consumer why they should go out and buy something despite the myriad reasons not too (fuel economy, image, technology, etc).

    I try to avoid the “joke for the joke’s sake”…I think sketches work best when the humor comes out of the situation and the charcaters, but sometimes there’s a cheap gag you just can’t pass up. Same with characters and plot points – sometimes there’s one so juicy you just can’t pass it up, and sometimes you regret it when you don’t.

    One thing I’m always working on is tightening scenes. As a performer, I like to give other performers the time to get emotionally invested, time to build tension, and a chance to act between the lines or play subtext. As a writer, it means I tend to create a lot of air by tossing in throwaway dialogue that I can do without. It’s filler that might be okay for two improvisors trying to find a scene, but it should get whacked out for a tight sketch scene.

    And I’m always working on clarifying my message, making my characters sharper (and more comically flawed), making their objectives clearer, the stakes higher, and the tactics more creative, and hopefully more active – it seems that, in my sketches at least, it can get awfully easy to let charcaters sit around and get talky.

    There’s a lot of philosphies about sketch (and comedy in general) out there, and all have merit. But this is what appeals to me, what stays with me after wacthing, and what makes me laugh. And I’ll keep working at it until I perfect it (which, of course will be never).

    Thoughts??

  • FSW: Advertising Edition (Ken’s Entry)

    Okay…I’m an idiot. Yes, I did briefly post this Friday, wondering why everyone else didn’t post yet. And then my tiny little brain went “oh yeah, this is the week we’re waiting until Monday”

    So…ummmm….sorry, and….my bad.

    Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

    What Superbowl would be complete without a car commercial, huh? So here’s my little homage to Detroit’s marketing machine, and some ideas of how they can get back on track in tough times.
    _____________________________________________

    FADE IN:

    EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – DUSK

    The sun sets over a rugged orange desert plain, scattered with scrub brush, cactus and purple rocky outcroppings. A camp of cowboys sits around a fire. One cowboy, DYLAN, square jawed handsome and rugged, crouches over a fire and pours coffee into a tin cup as he looks past the herd of cattle watching and sees distant lightning on the horizon. Acoustic guitar strums start in the soundtrack, and a male singer with a Springstein \ Mellencamp type voice and a country-rock twang starts singing.

    SINGER (V.O.)

    There’s a hard wind blowin’
    ‘Cross the world today
    Storm clouds are building
    And skies look gray

    CUT TO:

    EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – NIGHT

    It’s now raining very hard in the night – a major storm. Our cowboys are on horseback herding cattle through a torrential downpour. They are just shadows occasionally lit by lightning strikes. DYLAN makes some impressive cutting moves on his horse

    SINGER (V.O.)

    But when things get bad
    And times look rough
    Americans buckle down
    And get tough

    Another young, but handsome cowboy, CODY, looks over the side of the cliff his horse is near when a lightning strike nearby spooks his horse. The horse rears up in and CODY is thrown over the side of the cliff (all in slow motion).

    CLOSE UP ON DYLAN

    DYLAN sees CODY go over the cliff, and immediately spurs his horse over in a mad gallop(all in slow motion)

    SINGER (V.O.)

    We don’t walk away
    When we’ve got a tough fight
    We grab our neighbor’s hand
    And we push through the night

    CUT TO:

    EXT. CLIFF – NIGHT

    CODY barely hangs on to a wet rocky handhold. He struggles to hang on as he sees the huge drop below, but his gloves are giving way. Just as CODY slips completely, DYLAN’s manly hand grabs his. DYLAN grimaces in determination as he hauls CODY back up from certain death.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – NIGHT

    As they stand back up on terra firma, DYLAN and CODY walk back to CODY’s horse. CODY still looks shaken, but unflappable DYALN claps him on the back, then hands CODY the reins to the horse that just threw him. CODY climbs back up, and DYALN strides back over to his own horse. They get back to the business of herding cattle in the rain.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – MORNING

    The sun starts rising over the plains in a brilliant rain-free collage of orange, red and pink. Flowers are everywhere now, in full bloom from their soaking in the night, and dripping clean raindrops on the ground. DYLAN and CODY look at each other, and confidently nod with only the vaguest hints of smiles on their lips.

    SINGER (V.O.)

    You know you’ll make it through
    No matter how far
    You’re American tough
    Now buy a fuckin’ car

    CUT TO:

    EXT. SUBURBAN FRONT LAWN – DAY

    A man, his wife, and two boys (BOTH about 8 years old), all dressed in really ugly western wear stand in front of a big black SUV. Text fades in on screen:
    CHEVY TAHOE
    IT TAKES HUGE BALLS TO DRIVE A VEHICLE NAMED AFTER A PLACE BEING WRECKED BY IT’S EMISSIONS

    SINGER (V.O.)

    We hired famous singers
    And used their big hits
    We made tons of commercials
    Showing girls with big tits

    But you bastards went out
    And bought Japanese
    You stuck us with thousands
    Of SUV’s

    CUT TO:

    EXT. HIGHSCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY

    A man in his early 50’s stands in front of super-shiny red Corvette. The man is dressed like he belongs in a boy band, but his large pot belly and wind-swept toupee give him away.
    More text fades in on screen:
    CHEVY CORVETTE
    BECAUSE NO OTHER CAR IN THE WORLD SAYS ‘RECENTLY DIVORCED, IN DENIAL, AND EASILY MANIPULATED’ THE WAY WE CAN

    SINGER (V.O.)

    (chorus)

    We lost our private jets
    Cause no one bought Corvettes
    The UAW
    Has us totally screwed
    We know we’re making trash
    But man, we need the cash
    So get American tough
    And buy our fuckin’ cars

    (bridge)

    Now we know your money’s tight
    And times have gotten lean
    But we still run this company
    Like it’s 1913

    Becoming more efficient
    Just ain’t in our plan
    We’ll just pump you full of guilt
    Until you buy American

    CUT TO:

    EXT. BEACH – DAY

    A charcoal gray Chevy Malibu sits in front of the sand, waves carrying surfers crash in the background. A guy and a girl, both in their twenties, exit the Malibu wearing bathing suits and sunglasses, and run down to the beach. Text fades in:
    CHEVY MALIBU
    YES, WE KNOW NO ONE WHO LIVES IN MALIBU WOULD EVER BE SEEN DEAD IN THIS CAR. BUT YOU PROBABLY KNOW PEOPLE WHO’D BE IMPRESSED BY JUST THE NAME, AND THINK IT MUST SOMETHING REALLY EXOTIC. JUST DON’T EVER THEM SEE YOU DRIVING IT.

    SINGER (V.O.)

    (back to verse)

    Some people want a hybrid
    Then go out and buy a Prius
    But buy an eco-friendly foreign car
    Is just like pissin’ on Jesus

    Stop worrying ‘bout tomorrow
    Life can be an endless Summer
    Just speed up global warming
    And buy a big ol’ Hummer

    CUT TO:

    EXT. WHEAT FIELD – DAY

    A blue Chevy Volt sits in front of a field of waving wheat. Text fades in on screen:
    COMING SOON – CHEVY VOLT
    STILL WON’T BE OUT FOR OVER A YEAR, AND WILL PROBABLY HAVE PROBLEMS EVEN THEN. BUT IF YOU BUY ONE OF OUR CARS NOW, YOU CAN ACT SMUG LATER ON BECAUSE YOU BOUGHT FROM A COMPANY THAT MAKES GREEN CARS (IF THIS THING EVER DOES GET TO MARKET)

    SINGER (V.O.)

    (back to chorus)

    We lost our private jets
    Cause no one bought Corvettes
    The UAW
    Has us totally screwed
    We know we’re making trash
    But man, we need the cash
    So get American tough
    And buy our fuckin’ cars

    Please buy our fuckin’ cars

    (this keeps repeating through the end, fading out a little each time)

    The screen fades into closeup of a waving American flag, then the Chevrolet logo fades up.
    Titles fade up on the screen over the logo:
    CHEVROLET
    ALL AMERICAN
    AND IF YOU DON’T BUY A CAR FROM US YOU’RE A GOD-HATING TERRORIST FAGGOT DOUCHEBAG…AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW IT

    FADE TO BLACK.

  • Ken’s Entry – 3:34 AM editon

    I couldn’t resist a little Seasonal flavoring – so here’s my offering for 3:34 am:

    INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

    ZACH and his wife MARION, both in their late 30’s / early 40’s, are asleep in their bed. The lights are out, the clock radio on the night stand shows 3:34, and the only illumination is a shaft of moonlight through the window. A light snowfall drifts lazily down outside.

    The bedroom door opens a sliver showing a little light from the hallway. Five or six small silhouettes creep inside the door. They move slowly and silently towards the bed. As they get about half way there it becomes obvious they are wearing some sort of high-tech head gear that goes over their eyes. They raise their hands to their eyes, and click an unseen switch. A quiet "whir" is heard, and a green glow comes from lenses over the figures eyes. The head gear is some sort of high-tech night vision. One small figure makes military-type hand gestures to the others, and they flank the bed. They hold position as the lead figure raises a fist in the air, then yanks it down quickly, as if to say "go". In a blur of motion the small figures strap ZACH and MARION to the bed with garland and gag them with oranges. One silhouette flips the light switch on in the room as the others tilt the bed up. ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds to no avail. All of the small silhouettes are now revealed to be Christmas elves in camo face-paint, and black special forces-style gear (but with curly-toed shoes of course). One elf, PETEY, talks into his headset mic.

    PETEY

    Tree this is Trimming, over.

    TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)

    This is Tree, go Trimming.

    PETEY

    Tree, nothing is stirring, not even a mouse. Send in Big Red.

    TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)

    Roger, Trimming. Big Red is inbound.

    The door opens again, and SANTA walks in, looking a bit pissed. He walks slowly over to the bed where ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds.

    SANTA

    Soo….Zach and Marion Webster, of 425 Willow Drive. That you?

    ZACH and MARION nod slowly.

    SANTA

    And you got three lovely, lovely children…Austin, Dylan and Cailyn?

    ZACH and MARION nod yes again.

    SANTA

    WE need to have a little talk. Petey here is going to remove those oranges so we can talk, nice and civilized. We can be grownups here, right?

    ZACH and MARION nod again

    SANTA

    But one shout and my boys will go to town on you.

    PETEY holds up a stuffed Christmas stocking.

    SANTA

    Those are filled with broken candy canes. They don’t leave bruises but they mess you up inside. We understand one another?

    MARION and ZACH nod yet again, their eyes a lot wider now. SANTA nods to PETEY, and PETEY gestures to the other elves to remove the oranges. ZACH and MARION inhale sharply.

    ZACH

    You’re…I mean you look like…

    SANTA

    Santa Claus…Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Father Christmas whatever you want to call me.

    MARION

    But..you’re nice…why would you…

    SANTA

    Bind a torture a nice couple like you?

    ZACH

    Torture?

    SANTA

    Maybe…depends.

    MARION

    On what?

    SANTA

    On how cooperative you plan on being.

    ZACH

    You’re Santa Claus…we’re happy to help you out any way we can.

    SANTA

    Oh yeah? Then tell me…Austin, Dylan and Cailyn….naughty or nice?

    ZACH and MARION look at each other. SANTA gestures to PETEY. Several elves move in and whack ZACH with filled Christmas stockings. ZACH winces in pain.

    SANTA

    I thought you were gonna be all cooperative with jolly old Saint Nick?

    MARION

    We’ll cooperate! We’ll cooperate!

    SANTA

    So are they naughty or nice, Marion?

    MARION

    I…I…

    SANTA

    Naughty or nice??? Answer me!!!

    SANTA gestures and the elves whack Marion with the stuffed stockings.

    ZACH

    Stop it! Please!

    SANTA

    Answer me!

    MARION

    I thought knew these things…you know, "sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake"?

    SANTA

    Well you thought wrong. Watching Children 24 / 7 is immoral. I don’t know what pedophile freak decided to attribute that to me, but if I ever catch the son of a bitch I will personally stuff that mother fucker down his own goddamn chimney.

    ZACH

    Spying on children is wrong but torturing parents is okay?

    PETEY moves to hit ZACH with the sack again but SANTA waves him off. SANTA goes over and grabs ZACH’s face.

    SANTA

    Look my friend, there is a war on. I pop down the wrong chimney one night and BOOM! I’m a hostage with a ransom video showing 24/7 on Al Jazeera. Maybe I some bad naughty-versus-nice intelligence on some kid, so I give him a that robotic Lego thingy he wants. Next thing I know his making improvised explosive devices and dropping them by the side of the road. Nuh uh…I’m not taking any chances – I’m taking matters into my own hands and making DAMN sure I know who’s naughty and nice.

    MARION

    You’re Santa…no one wants to hurt you. You’re a symbol of goodness and generosity.

    SANTA

    Exactly…I’m a symbol, a very public and well known symbol. People would love to take me down, or catch me being nice to some seriously naughty fucker….ruin my reputation, incarcerate me for aiding and abetting a known naughty. Goddamn liberal press would eat me alive.

    ZACH

    Wow…you are seriously paranoid. You sound like a republican.

    SANTA

    I’ve been GOP since Eisenhower, jerkwad.

    MARION

    Wait…you really ARE republican?

    SANTA

    No shit Mrs. Sherlock. You think I wear red because it’s slimming?

    ZACH

    We didn’t mean any insult…

    SANTA

    I’m goddamn proud to be republican. Hell, Nixon was the one that got me keeping lists and checking them twice. I used to fly Christmas Eve recon missions over Cambodia for that administration in the early 70’s. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have given him that audio tape shredder though. The damn Bushes are in-laws – or did think that uncanny resemblance between Barbara Bush and Mrs. Claus was a coincidence?

    MARION< /p>

    Times are changing…the world is changing.

    SANTA

    Don’t remind me. All my wiretap authorizations are being revoked, you can’t get a free pass from the justice department anymore, no matter how much you donate to the GOP. I’ll probably be forced to close my internment camp at the north pole too, and put all the detainees on trial.

    ZACH

    You have an internment camp?

    SANTA

    Gitmo North. For the super-naughty.

    MARION

    Santa, things are changing all over, fast. People are tired of being paranoid, tired of fear mongering, tired of being at odds with the rest of the planet. We need hope, not renegade gunslingers.

    ZACH

    That’s right. Everyone in the world is struggling with the economy now, and we’re all just trying to find ways to stay afloat. We don’t need a symbol who only gives gifts to the people HE thinks are deserving. We need someone who gives generously and freely to all, regardless of color,creed or politics.

    SANTA

    Even the gays?

    ZACH and MARION look at each other for a moment, thinking.

    MARION

    That’s still your call really. But be the person you started to be. Be that symbol of kindness and unconditional love. Take a few things on faith, and give the world what it needs most….hope.

    SANTA pauses and thinks.

    SANTA

    You stole that speech from Barack Obama didn’t you?

    ZACH and MARION shrug as if to say "You caught us"

    SANTA (CONT)

    It’s a good speech though.

    SANTA pauses again and thinks more

    SANTA

    Petey, untie them.

    PETEY

    But Santa…

    SANTA

    Just do it. And then let’s go – we’ve got a lot more gifts to give out than we planned on.

    PETEY gestures to the other elves, and they remove the garland that ties ZACH and MARION to their bed

    PETEY

    (into headset mic)

    Tree, this is Trimming. We’re standing down. Roof evac in 3 minutes.

    SANTA

    (to ZACH and MARION)

    You two better be right. I’m going to take a few things on faith, and I’ll probably give presents to some questionably naughty people. If anything goes down it’s on your heads.

    ZACH

    You won’t regret it Santa. It’s time to reach out and rejoin the world and get past this “us and them” mentality.

    MARION

    Right, and you’ll see we can all come together to rebuild America, liberal and conservative.

    SANTA

    Only a liberal would say that.

    MARION

    Sorry.

    SANTA

    Look….sorry about the tying-up thing. I’ll make sure there’s a new Prius in your driveway tomorrow morning, okay? Elves, we’re pulling out. Petey, take point.

    PETEY and the elves exit through the bedroom door. SANTA gets to the door, stops and turns around.

    SANTA

    And…umm, Merry Christmas.

    ZACH

    Merry Christmas to you Santa!

    MARION

    And goodwill to all!

    SANTA

    God I hate liberals.

    SANTA exits. BLACKOUT

  • Ken’s Entry: First Date – Honesty

    INT RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    JACK a man in his early 30’s, sits alone at table wearing a business suit with a cocktail in front of him. He checks his breath, checks his appearance in the back of a spoon of any other convenient shiny object, and all manner of things someone waiting to make a good impression would do.

    JILL, also in her early 30’s wearing a nice blouse and skirt, walks in and likewise checks her appearance. She looks around, sees JACK and walks over to him.

    JILL

    Jack?

    JACK

    Jill?

    JILL

    I thought that was…probably you.

    JACK

    Yeah, I don’t look a thing like my Match.com photo. I Photoshopped the hell out of it.

    JILL

    No worries! I’m 12 years older and 43 pounds heavier than mine!

    Both of them chuckle.

    JACK

    Have a seat. I’d stand up to get your chair, but the table is hiding the beer gut I said was a six-pack.

    JILL sits down.

    JACK

    So, will you be eating anything other than a salad tonight?

    JILL

    Not in front of you. I’m binge-ing later at home.

    JACK

    I was afraid you’d order something expensive, which I’d have to pay for in hopes I’d be repaid with sex. But I’d just end up resenting you after I ejaculate.

    JILL

    You’re not really a CEO rock guitarist stockbroker who writes poetry while rescuing puppies and infants are you?

    JACK

    Floor sales at Cell Phone Circus.

    JILL

    I’m not really an independently wealthy NFL cheerleader-slash-microbrewery heiress with porn star training.

    JACK

    I’m male – I had to take the risk just in case.

    JILL

    I don’t really skydive.

    JACK

    I don’t really like art museums.

    JILL

    I was never in a sorority.

    JACK

    I haven’t been in one since the restraining order.

    JILL

    I only watch Julia Roberts movies.

    JACK

    I only watch Adam Sandler movies.

    JILL

    I don’t have an apartment downtown.

    JACK

    I don’t have a penthouse.

    JILL

    I still live with my parents.

    JACK

    I have to break back into the ward before the 9:30 bed-check.

    JILL

    I’m not really a NASCAR fan.

    JACK

    I am.

    JILL

    I only wear granny-panties.

    JACK

    I only wear Depends.

    JILL

    My boobs aren’t real.

    JACK

    Neither is my hair.

    JILL

    (grabbing her breasts)

    This is just padding. My real boobs are really tiny.

    JACK says nothing , but glances at his crotch subtly.

    JILL

    But my butt is totally real.

    JACK

    So is my halitosis.

    JILL

    I’m here seeking self-esteem through the approval of others.

    JACK

    I’m hoping to get laid this year. I’ve only had one sexual partner.

    JILL

    I’ve only had one partner…while sober.

    JACK motions to an invisible waiter

    JACK

    (to waiter)

    Three Jack and cokes for the lady.

    JILL

    I get clingy and desperate in relationships.

    JACK

    We so much in common.

    JILL

    This is going so much better than most of my dates.

    JACK

    This honesty is turning me on.

    JILL

    It’s making me hot too.

    JACK

    Does that mean I’m going to get lucky?

    JILL

    Buy me the lobster and we’ll talk.

    BLACK OUT