SLOW FADE IN:

EXT. – PREP SCHOOL – DAY

Snow flakes fall on the tops of an evergreen forest. As the camera descends in slow motion, we can see the red ceramic tiles of an estate-like building under a light blanket of snow, then we see big glass windows, beige stone, big wooden doors, concrete benches in the courtyard, and a brick walkway leading to the door.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

This Christmas, one of America’s most celebrated directors brings one of America’s grittiest television shows to the big screen.

Music starts, and the first words of “Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon” by Urge Overkill are sung

SINGER (V.O.)

Girl….you’ll be a woman, soon…

The music continues as the camera settles close to the ground in the middle of the brick sidewalk. Four girls – one blond, one brunette, one African American, and one heavier girl – all in prep-school uniforms (red plaid skirts, knee socks, navy-blue sweaters, carrying books) walk past the camera still in slow motion.
The camera shifts around so we can see the school girls in profile. It goes down the line showing each girl’s face, pausing long enough for their name to be captioned with a name:

Blonde girl’s caption: BLAIR
Brunette girl’s caption: JO
Heavy-set girl’s caption: NATALIE
African-American girl’s caption: TOOTIE

They stop in equal stances framing the big front door, which opens to reveal matronly woman in her late 50’s with bright orange hair (MRS. GARRETT).

Caption comes up on screen: EDNA GARRETT

MRS. GARRETT

You lazy bitches better get in this motherfuckin’ cafeteria or I will get medieval on your asses, I shit you not!

Titles come up on screen:

QUENTIN TARANTINO’S
FACTS OF LIFE

CUT TO:

INT. CAFETERIA – DAY

MRS. GARRETT locks the doors behind the girls.

MRS. GARRETT

Listen up. Drummond’s fast tracked this job – it’s big. Gear up.

JO, BLAIR, TOOTIE and NATALIE go pull folding cafeteria tables out from the walls. Behind them are racks of guns, knives, swords, etc. The girls start pulling them out and strapping them on.

MRS. GARRETT

We pull this off, and Drummond keeps Edna’s Edibles in flour, sugar, coke for a long time. Code names…Blair you’re Ms. Blond. Jo, you’re Ms. Brunette. Tootie you’re Ms. Black. Natalie, you’re Ms. Michelin.

NATALIE is visibly pissed. The girls, armed and wearing black suits, black ties, white shirts and Ray Bans come to the middle of the room.

MRS. GARRETT

Drummond wants this clean, capice?

BLAIR

We need to make this quick. I got a date tonight.

JO

Me too.

TOOTIE

Me too.

Everyone looks at NATALIE who keeps quiet.

MRS. GARRETT

Natalie, you’ve got clean up.

They all exit, with NATALIE hesitating before following

CUT TO:

INT. EDNA’S EDIBLES – NIGHT

MRS. GARRETT snorts lines of coke off the glass pastry case she stands behind in small bakery cafe cash. JO, TOOTIE and BLAIR tidy up around the shop

MRS. GARRETT

I can’t believe Natalie missed her shift. She never misses a chance to be around food. Something’s fucked up.

The big storefront glass window with the words “Edna’s Edibles” explodes inward. NATALIE bursts through and unloads a pump-action shotgun blast into the pastry case. Three girls in prep-school uniforms and zipper-mouthed leather bondage masks stand behind her brandishing identical shotguns.

NATALIE

The motherfuckin’ cookbook…NOW!!!

MRS. GARRETT tosses her a big book with a glare.

NATALIE

Edna’s Edibles is permanently closed…people in this neighborhood will eat at “Natalie’s Noshes”.

NATALIE and the masked girls back out of the cafe with the book, and toss in several molotov cocktails. MRS. GARRETT speaks as the flames get higher around her.

MRS. GARRETT

(yelling)

You can’t run bitch! My righteous fury shall be tempered in your flames, and my vengeance shall rain down upon thee like all the plagues of Egypt. Behold, for I shall come upon thee like a thief in the night, and that is a fact!!!

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT

MARK, a teenage prep-school boy, sits tied to a metal chair under a single hanging bulb. His face is bruised and bloody. BLAIR, TOOTIE and JO stand around him.

TOOTIE

He ain’t gonna squeal where Natalie’s at.

JO

Bring in the gimp.

BLAIR snaps her fingers. A door opens showing a sliver of light and a tall shambling figure walks in. Sweat pours down MARK’s terrified face as he hears the scarping footsteps in the dark. He’s almost ready to scream when the mystery figure, GERI, steps into the light and starts speaking

GERI

Hi I’m Geri. I’m Blair’s cousin, and I have cerebral palsy, but that won’t stop me from entertaining you with 30 minutes of people-positive comedy!

MARK

(screaming)

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

CUT TO:

INT. PENTHOUSE APARTMENT – DAY

NATALIE and her masked girls kick in the white double doors and enter. NATALIE wears a samurai sword strapped to her back

NATALIE

Fan out…Drummond’s here some place.

A short African American boy, ARNOLD, flies in and takes out the three masked girls with some fast acrobatic kung fu. He lands in front of the stair case. He also has a samurai sword strapped to his back.

ARNOLD

Mr. Drummond’s out.

NATALIE pulls a .45 from her waistband and aims it at ARNOLD.

NATALIE

Says who?

ARNOLD whips out a throwing star that rips the .45 Out of NATALIE’s grasp.

ARNOLD

Says me.

NATALIE draws her samurai sword and goes into a dueling stance.

NATALIE

I’ll go upstairs and wait.

ARNOLD pulls his sword and goes into his dueling stance.

ARNOLD

What you talkin’ ‘bout, bitch?

CUT TO:

INT. MUSCLE CAR – NIGHT

JO drives, BLAIR rides shotgun, TOOTIE sits in the middle of the back seat. All wear Ray Bans that reflect street lights as they drive the black 1967 Dodge Charger. They stare straight ahead intensely as the engine roars, and don’t speak for a long time.

JO

You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?

BLAIR

Natalie would know.

TOOTIE

Natalie knows food.

CUT TO:

INT. CRUMBLING WAREHOUSE – NIGHT

NATALIE has her sword drawn as do JO, TOOTIE and BLAIR. The three circle her. NATALIE is dirty, sweaty, and her school uniform torn. A spotlight pops on illuminating MRS. GARRET on the catwalk above the factory floor. Half of her face is scarred from horrific burns, making her twisted smile more horrifying.

MRS. GARRETT

Poor Natalie….the world never seems to be living up to your dreams. Girls, teach her a little life lesson for me.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

You take the good…

Close up on NATALIE

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

You take the bad…

Close up on MRS. GARRETT

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

You take ‘em both and there you have…

High shot of the girls circling NATALIE
JO, BLAIR and TOOTIE lunge at NATALIE with swords above their heads poised to slash. The screen goes completely black and titles slowly fade up:

QUENTIN TARANTINO’S
FACTS OF LIFE

Coming Soon

This film is not yet rated

FADE TO BLACK.