INT. HAUNTED MANSION – NIGHT

DAPHNE, VELMA, SCOOBY, SHAGGY and FRED stand in the foyer of a dilapidated dark mansion, complete with grand decaying staircase, grandfather clock, cobwebs – all the haunted trimmings.

FRED

Alright, let’s split up and see if we can find this bearded ghost. Daphne and I will go this way, Velma you go that way with Scooby and Shaggy.

VELMA

Actually Fred, Daphne and I are going together this time. You go with Scooby and Shaggy.

FRED pauses and looks at VELMA.

FRED

Very funny Velma. Daphne come on, we’re going this way.

DAPHNE

No Fred….not this time. Not ever again. I want to go with Velma.

FRED looks at SHAGGY and SCOOBY, who just shrug their shoulders.

FRED

Daphne, you and I always go together, always!

DAPHNE

Fred, I’ve been in denial about some things for a long time, and I’m just starting to come to grips with them.

FRED

Stop kidding around. You and I always go together when we split up, because we’re the two attractive ones of the group.

DAPHNE

That’s just it Fred. I’ve gone with you all those times because I felt like I SHOULD be attracted to you, but…it never felt right.

VELMA

It’s okay Daphne, tell him the rest.

DAPHNE

I think I developed some subconscious resentment towards you Fred…I wanted to be attracted to you, and when I wasn’t it made me do stupid things.

VELMA

All those traps she accidentally sprung weren’t an accident Fred. Her subconscious was trying to kill you.

DAPHNE

It was my way out…if you were gone I wouldn’t have to pretend anymore.

VELMA

Danger-prone Daphne was really "Need-to-get-Fred-out-of-my-life" Daphne.

FRED

But…all those times…when we’d split up…and we’d have sex when we were supposed to be hunting ghosts.

DAPHNE

Don’t make this harder than it is Fred.

FRED

We’d blame your moaning on ghosts.

DAPHNE

Fred, please…

FRED

I MADE YOU ORGASM!!! HARD!!! EVERY TIME!!!

DAPHNE

I faked it, every time! Just to save your big ego!!! I just pretended. I’d close my eyes and imagine you were someone else….someone I WAS attracted to. I just did whatever I could to get through it.

FRED sulks for a moment, taking it all in.

FRED

Fine. But think about what you’re giving up. Any woman would kill to have a guy with his own custom van.

VELMA

(sarcastically)

The paint job alone should do it.

FRED

A guy with some athletic ability, and good fashion sense.

VELMA

You dress like a sailor in the Gay Navy.

FRED

(to VELMA)

This doesn’t involve you.

VELMA

Yes, it does. Daphne, go ahead. Tell him the rest.

DAPHNE

I can’t…he’s already so upset.

VELMA

We talked about this Daphne. It’s like pulling off a band-aid. Do it all at once.

DAPHNE gathers her courage, then faces FRED again.

DAPHNE

It took me a long time to admit it to myself, but the person I kept imagining when we were having sex is part of this group.

Everything stops, and FRED looks at SHAGGY and SCOOBY, suspiciously. Then FRED slowly turns his head to look at VELMA. DAPHNE walks over hooks her arm through VELMA’s, and rests her head on VELMA’s shoulder.

FRED

(to VELMA)

You goddamn dyke.

DAPHNE

She listens to me, understands me…values my opinion.

FRED

So it’s just platonic.

DAPHNE

Oh GOD no!

VELMA and DAPHNE laugh, loudly

DAPHNE

Only a woman knows how to really please another woman. Velma has surprisingly well-toned arms under that sweater too.

VELMA

I need them for doing this….

VELMA dips DAPHNE and kisses her passionately. SCOOBY, FRED and SHAGGY just stare, slack jawed.

DAPHNE

(a bit flustered)

Velma is soooo decisive…when she wants something she just goes for it. And trust me, her traps always work.

DAPHNE giggles as she leans into Velma.

VELMA

Come on purple. Let’s go down this way and find us some moaning ghosts.

VELMA smacks DAPHNE loudly on the butt. DAPHNE giggles, then heads down the corridor.

VELMA

So, Fred, from now on, when we split up, Daphne goes with me, capice?

(off to DAPHNE)

Hey purple, that’s a bedroom on the left – I bet there’s a loud moaning ghost in there!

Giggles from down the hallway. VELMA looks back at FRED with a knowing grin, then exits after DAPHNE. FRED just stares after them.

SHAGGY

So, uh, Fred. Maybe we should, like, go look for that Bearded ghost like you said.

FRED

There is no bearded ghost. It’s just old man Laskey in a costume scaring people off so he can run a real estate scam.

SHAGGY

Zoiks! Like, how’d you know that man?

FRED

I pay this detective friend for fake ghost cases he’s already solved whenever I want to get laid. We’ve never gone on a real unsolved mystery.

SHAGGY

Like….wow dude. All this time I thought we were actually, like, finding clues, solving mysteries and helping people and stuff.

SCOOBY

Ree roo!!!

SHAGGY

Now I’m like all bummed and stuff.

SCOOBY

Ree roo.

SHAGGY and SCOOBY walk start to slowly exit the same way as DAPHNE and VELMA

FRED

Where are you two going?

SHAGGY

Like there’s only one thing that can cheer me up right now – amateur girl-on-girl action. These old mansions have secret watching holes all over the place.

FRED

Won’t they see us?

SHAGGY

You and Daphne never did.

FRED thinks for a moment

FRED

Alright, here’s the plan. You two go ahead and find a hiding spot with a good clear view. I’ll go get the video camera I keep in the Mystery Machine!

SHAGGY

Now that’s the Fred I’d follow anywhere!

SCOOBY

Rrrrrroooby dooooooooo!

BLACK OUT