Happy New Year everyone! I unexpectedly took last week off (meaning I realized Saturday night that the day before was Sketch War Friday….ummmm…ooopps).
This weeks theme was cartoons, and despite a promising start to a SuperFriends sketch (remember that red spikey thing in front of the Hall of Justice??), I ended up revisiting one of my favorite cartoons, and putting a little spin on the first girl cartoon character I had a crush on.
The other battlers will report in soon!!!
__________________________________________________________
INT. HAUNTED MANSION – NIGHT
DAPHNE, VELMA, SCOOBY, SHAGGY and FRED stand in the foyer of a dilapidated dark mansion, complete with grand decaying staircase, grandfather clock, cobwebs – all the haunted trimmings.
FRED
Alright, let’s split up and see if we can find this bearded ghost. Daphne and I will go this way, Velma you go that way with Scooby and Shaggy.
VELMA
Actually Fred, Daphne and I are going together this time. You go with Scooby and Shaggy.
FRED pauses and looks at VELMA.
FRED
Very funny Velma. Daphne come on, we’re going this way.
DAPHNE
No Fred….not this time. Not ever again. I want to go with Velma.
FRED looks at SHAGGY and SCOOBY, who just shrug their shoulders.
FRED
Daphne, you and I always go together, always!
DAPHNE
Fred, I’ve been in denial about some things for a long time, and I’m just starting to come to grips with them.
FRED
Stop kidding around. You and I always go together when we split up, because we’re the two attractive ones of the group.
DAPHNE
That’s just it Fred. I’ve gone with you all those times because I felt like I SHOULD be attracted to you, but…it never felt right.
VELMA
It’s okay Daphne, tell him the rest.
DAPHNE
I think I developed some subconscious resentment towards you Fred…I wanted to be attracted to you, and when I wasn’t it made me do stupid things.
VELMA
All those traps she accidentally sprung weren’t an accident Fred. Her subconscious was trying to kill you.
DAPHNE
It was my way out…if you were gone I wouldn’t have to pretend anymore.
VELMA
Danger-prone Daphne was really "Need-to-get-Fred-out-of-my-life" Daphne.
FRED
But…all those times…when we’d split up…and we’d have sex when we were supposed to be hunting ghosts.
DAPHNE
Don’t make this harder than it is Fred.
FRED
We’d blame your moaning on ghosts.
DAPHNE
Fred, please…
FRED
I MADE YOU ORGASM!!! HARD!!! EVERY TIME!!!
DAPHNE
I faked it, every time! Just to save your big ego!!! I just pretended. I’d close my eyes and imagine you were someone else….someone I WAS attracted to. I just did whatever I could to get through it.
FRED sulks for a moment, taking it all in.
FRED
Fine. But think about what you’re giving up. Any woman would kill to have a guy with his own custom van.
VELMA
(sarcastically)
The paint job alone should do it.
FRED
A guy with some athletic ability, and good fashion sense.
VELMA
You dress like a sailor in the Gay Navy.
FRED
(to VELMA)
This doesn’t involve you.
VELMA
Yes, it does. Daphne, go ahead. Tell him the rest.
DAPHNE
I can’t…he’s already so upset.
VELMA
We talked about this Daphne. It’s like pulling off a band-aid. Do it all at once.
DAPHNE gathers her courage, then faces FRED again.
DAPHNE
It took me a long time to admit it to myself, but the person I kept imagining when we were having sex is part of this group.
Everything stops, and FRED looks at SHAGGY and SCOOBY, suspiciously. Then FRED slowly turns his head to look at VELMA. DAPHNE walks over hooks her arm through VELMA’s, and rests her head on VELMA’s shoulder.
FRED
(to VELMA)
You goddamn dyke.
DAPHNE
She listens to me, understands me…values my opinion.
FRED
So it’s just platonic.
DAPHNE
Oh GOD no!
VELMA and DAPHNE laugh, loudly
DAPHNE
Only a woman knows how to really please another woman. Velma has surprisingly well-toned arms under that sweater too.
VELMA
I need them for doing this….
VELMA dips DAPHNE and kisses her passionately. SCOOBY, FRED and SHAGGY just stare, slack jawed.
DAPHNE
(a bit flustered)
Velma is soooo decisive…when she wants something she just goes for it. And trust me, her traps always work.
DAPHNE giggles as she leans into Velma.
VELMA
Come on purple. Let’s go down this way and find us some moaning ghosts.
VELMA smacks DAPHNE loudly on the butt. DAPHNE giggles, then heads down the corridor.
VELMA
So, Fred, from now on, when we split up, Daphne goes with me, capice?
(off to DAPHNE)
Hey purple, that’s a bedroom on the left – I bet there’s a loud moaning ghost in there!
Giggles from down the hallway. VELMA looks back at FRED with a knowing grin, then exits after DAPHNE. FRED just stares after them.
SHAGGY
So, uh, Fred. Maybe we should, like, go look for that Bearded ghost like you said.
FRED
There is no bearded ghost. It’s just old man Laskey in a costume scaring people off so he can run a real estate scam.
SHAGGY
Zoiks! Like, how’d you know that man?
FRED
I pay this detective friend for fake ghost cases he’s already solved whenever I want to get laid. We’ve never gone on a real unsolved mystery.
SHAGGY
Like….wow dude. All this time I thought we were actually, like, finding clues, solving mysteries and helping people and stuff.
SCOOBY
Ree roo!!!
SHAGGY
Now I’m like all bummed and stuff.
SCOOBY
Ree roo.
SHAGGY and SCOOBY walk start to slowly exit the same way as DAPHNE and VELMA
FRED
Where are you two going?
SHAGGY
Like there’s only one thing that can cheer me up right now – amateur girl-on-girl action. These old mansions have secret watching holes all over the place.
FRED
Won’t they see us?
SHAGGY
You and Daphne never did.
FRED thinks for a moment
FRED
Alright, here’s the plan. You two go ahead and find a hiding spot with a good clear view. I’ll go get the video camera I keep in the Mystery Machine!
SHAGGY
Now that’s the Fred I’d follow anywhere!
SCOOBY
Rrrrrroooby dooooooooo!
BLACK OUT