Friday Sketch War
Cartoons Edition
“Frank Defeats the Angel of Death”

FADE IN:

TITLE CARD: “Frank Defeats the Angel of Death”

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

FRANK, a cat, sleeps in a basket on a hardwood floor.

He wears a collar with a name tag attached.

A large Christmas tree sits in one corner of the living room, near the front door.

A creepy- and androgynous-looking ANGEL with tiny wings sits atop the tree.

A fire roars in the fireplace.

Nearby, OLIVE (30s) holds a large drink and talks on her cell phone.

OLIVE

I’m just about ready for the dinner party.

ANGLE ON FRANK

— snoozing happily.

OLIVE (O.S.)

Thanks, I am so nervous. Both of my bosses will be here, and everyone from the book club.

CLUNK.

A red-ball Christmas-tree decoration rolls past Frank’s basket.

Frank idly sharpens his claws on the basket, but doesn’t wake.

OLIVE (O.S.)

You’re right. I can make a good impression.

CLUNK.

Another Christmas-tree decoration rolls by.

Frank opens one eye.

OLIVE (O.S.)

You and Terrill are bringing the fruit dip, right?

Frank looks around, and is alarmed to see —

AT THE TOP OF THE TREE

The angel has sprung to life!

OLIVE

I know! I love guavas!

BACK TO SCENE

With malevolent glee, the angel flings another red-ball Christmas decoration at Olive.

Olive, looking the other way, doesn’t notice.

OLIVE

Well, you’ll have to tell us all about the Caymans.

The decoration misses her ricochets off the wall, and rolls underfoot.

OLIVE

I just love that little — WAAAGH!

Olive trips on the decoration and lands on the floor next to the tree.

The drink lands on the floor, making a puddle.

Olive glances at the angel, and the angel reverts back to a motionless, innocent-looking ornament.

OLIVE

I tripped on a Christmas decoration.

Frank blinks a few times, shakes his head, and looks up to see —

— Olive standing in the puddle, phone in hand.

OLIVE

Really, I’m fine. Just clumsy.

The angel now has a length of Christmas lights, frayed and sparking at one end.

The angel lowers the live wire towards the puddle.

OLIVE

You know, I called Harry, but I think he has that — what, fundraiser thing?

Closer.

Closer.

It’s an inch away from the puddle, and then —

Frank leaps into the air!

He grasps the Christmas lights midair, carrying the wire out of harm’s way.

He lands in a heap in the corner.

OLIVE

What’s that? Oh, that’s just Frank.

Frank, still holding the lights, un-heaps himself and sees —

— the angel using a candy cane to skim down the lights like a zipwire.

The angel lands on Frank.

OLIVE

Yeah — he runs from one room to another sometimes. Crazy. Cute, but crazy.

Frank throws the angel off.

The angel pulls a red ball off the tree and holds it menacingly.

Frank looks smug and unworried.

OLIVE

Yeah. Yeah. But do you think Harry knows how he feels? — y’know, how he really feels?

The angel cracks the ball into two jagged pieces, which he wields with martial-arts-style panache.

Frank panics and grabs the nearest thing to hand. It’s a length of popcorn rope.

They fight. Frank uses the rope to block one attack, then another.

OLIVE

Glenlivet, of course. I mean, it costs, but —

Frank whips the rope around one jagged piece of metal, and rips the weapon out of the angel’s hand.

Frank does the same to the other.

OLIVE

Absolutely. That is so right.

Frank whips the rope at the angel, BUT —

— the angel grabs the free end.

Tug-of-war.

The angel drags Frank off his feet and ties him up.

OLIVE

You know, I always get my dipping trays from the farmer’s market.

The angel drags Frank toward the FIREPLACE.

Frank struggles.

Frank panics.

Frank has an idea: he unsheaths his claws!

OLIVE

Yeah. It’s just there’s always something you overlook, y’know? Not until the last minute —

Frank cuts himself free of the rope.

He piles into the angel.

The two of them disappear into the tree.

They reappear a third of the way up the tree, fighting.

They reappear two-thirds of the way up the tree, fighting.

They reappear at the very top of the tree, fighting.

OLIVE

Oh, of course! You’re right. I’ll just have to make do without feta.

Finally, Frank plants the angel firmly on the treetop, gets a series of good swats in, grabs the angel —

— and flings him off the tree.

The angel arcs downward, fluttering his tiny, ineffectual wings —

— towards the FIREPLACE!

(Think Die Hard.)

FOOM!

Crispy dead angel.

Frank heaves a sigh of relief.

And another.

And now THE TREE IS TIPPING OVER.

Frank makes a mad scramble, but it’s no use —

— the tree smashes to the floor.

Decorations scatter.

Tinsel floats down.

Frank slides across the hardwood to a stop.

The front door OPENS to reveal —

— a crowd of PARTY GUESTS.

OLIVE

Oh my god!

Frank freezes with panic.

OLIVE

Frank!

Frank tries to provide a quick, nonverbal explanation of everything that has happened so far.

Halfway in, Olive scoops him up.

OLIVE

Aw, are you okay?

GUEST #1

I think the tree fell on him!

Frank puts on a sad face.

GUEST #2

Let me give him some tuna!

FADE TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER

Olive and the guests chat indistinctly.

The tree stands upright, a bit disheveled.

Frank, bloated and happy, eats the last of a big dish of tuna.

He waddles back to his basket.

He suddenly goes to the tree, nabs a length of popcorn rope off the tree, and returns to the basket.

He holds the rope and eyes the room warily, but drifts off to sleep.

FADE OUT.