Tag: Friday Sketch War

FSW: Spiner and Fry Edition (Ken’s Entry)

David mentioned that this was a unique challenge, and I definitely agree. Not only were we trying to write for established actors with fairly distinctive styles, but hopefully to create something that could be expanded into a television show.

Gulp!

In some ways, this felt more about writing the world’s shortest pilot than a sketch.

I’m sure I’ll be kicking more ideas around over the week, because I’d love to come up with stuff that feels a little more modern (along the lines of “The Office”, “Extras” or “30 Rock”), but here’s my first wild stab:
_______________________________________________________________

INT. BRITISH PUB – NIGHT

ELTON, a stout British man in his mid-fifties sits alone at a quiet table amidst a smattering of other quiet patrons. He wears a tweed jacket with elbow patches an a tartan bowtie. He occasionally sips a beer while reading a classic-looking book through wire-rimmed round glasses. The barkeep dries glasses behind the bar.
Offstage the door to the pub opens. ELTON looks up as GENE speaks to an unseen crowd in an American accent.

GENE (O.S.)

OH YEAH!!! OXFORD LOVES THE GENE-MACHINE BABY!!! AND THE GENE-MACHINE LOVES YOU RIGHT BACK!!! GOOD NIGHT OXFORD!!! STAY CLASSICAL YOU HORNY BASTARDS!!!

ELTON shakes his head and buries his nose back in his book. The door closes, and GENE enters. He is a lanky-sort in his late fifties, with flowing gray hair and the bearing of a bad-boy rock star. He wears a emerald velvet jacket collar turned up, and gold silk scarf. GENE walks over ELTON’s table, spins on his heels, pulls the spare chair out, straddles and sits across from ELTON, staring at him. ELTON ignores GENE for a moment, then speaks.

ELTON

I take it your lecture was well received?

GENE

Un-be-freaking-lieveable!

ELTON

Oh good, another spontaneously invented word.

GENE

Mind blowing Elton. I had no idea I was this good.

ELTON

You rarely miss noticing amazing things about yourself.

GENE

The whole room just wanted me…badly.

ELTON

Shakespearean dissertations have that affect on people.

GENE

I could see people wiggling in their seats!

ELTON

Sexual desire and rapt boredom look so similar.

GENE

Yeah…that confused me at first. But by the end…huh? How do you explain that?

ELTON

Sadly, I missed the ending. I left somewhere between the 60 foot laser animation of Romeo and Juliet freak dancing and your third failed attempt to stage dive.

GENE

I can’t believe you missed the end! It was epic. So I’m wrapping up with my thoughts on “To be or not to be”, right? But, like, not many people know that speech, right?

ELTON

Only ninety-eight or ninety-nine percent of Oxford students could recite it from memory.

GENE

Right! So I want to make sure it sticks with people, because it’s a pretty good speech to know. So I have this stripper pole lowered from the ceiling, and I start doing the speech, ripping off clothes as I do, dancing around the pole like Hamlet is dancing around his destiny.

ELTON

That metaphor is now dead to me.

GENE

I get near the end of the speech, and I’m down to just my pants. I climb up the pole and do one of those lean backwards, upside down things, facing the audience, legs clinched around the top, and I rip the pants off. I say the last line with a ruff collar around each thigh and Shakespeare’s head covering my boys. The crowd’s response was…

ELTON

Uncontrollable vomiting?

GENE

Total stunned silence.

ELTON

My second guess.

GENE

They were so overwhelmed they couldn’t make a sound.

ELTON

You sure they weren’t keeping their jaws clamped shut vis a vis the aforementioned vomiting?

GENE

Jaws were dropped open all over that auditorium.

ELTON

>Not surprising.

GENE

And you…head of the English department. You missed it.

ELTON

Yes…What was I thinking?

GENE rips the book from ELTON’s hands.

GENE

Bleak House? You left MY lecture to sit in a pub and read Bleak House?

ELTON

Careful…that’s a rare edition.

GENE

Oooohhhh…better rush home and read Bleak House one more time. Dickens will release that sequel any day now.

ELTON takes his book back from GENE

ELTON

(shouting)

Well at least I’m versed in the Goddamn material I teach!!!

The whole room goes deathly quiet. ELTON looks around slightly embarrassed, then start speaking to GENE again in a more hushed tone.

ELTON

Look, may I speak frankly?

GENE

You’re British, I doubt it.

ELTON

The Oxford trustees forced me to invite you to be a guest instructor. One of them read an article in People about you…

GENE

I opened for Britney Spears at Yale.

ELTON

They thought you had a new voice, some new insight into Shakespearean literature.

GENE

I was put on this Earth to make Shakespeare sexy.

ELTON

You’re making it repulsive! You’re an arrogant self-absorbed moron who has no insight into the works of William Shakespeare whatsoever, and you hide your astounding stupidity beneath stale rock concert effects and strip-club vulgarity!

GENE

You’re just jealous of my obvious sex appeal.

ELTON

There is nothing appealing about a man nearing sixty hanging upside down from a stripper pole in a thong!

GENE

And ruff collars.

ELTON

Doesn’t improve the overall visual. Now, if this is all you have to offer Oxford, I’m afraid we will have to terminate your stay immediately.

MARJORIE, an attractive woman in her forties walks over. She is also British, and dressed very conservatively.

MARJORIE

Good evening Doctor Lonsberry.

EL
TON immediately stands up, all smiles and nerves.

ELTON

Oh, Good Evening Professor Elsbeth. I had no idea you frequented this pub.

MARJORIE

I come here every night. In fact, I’ve seen you in here several times since I told you I loved coming here and reading Dickens.

ELTON

Oh…yes….so you have…and so you did…ah, my mind is such a sieve sometimes Marjorie…ha ha…may I call you Marjorie?

MARJORIE

Am I interrupting something?

ELTON

Not at all…Professor Douglas and I were just discussing his lecture tonight.

MARJORIE

Yes…I saw that…performance. I sat there all the way to the bitter end.

ELTON

Look Marjorie, if I’d had any idea how his presentation would go, believe me I would’ve…

MARJORIE approaches GENE with an intense glare in her eyes.

MARJORIE

Professor Douglas. I refuse to let you leave this pub until you…

Marjorie rips open her blouse

MARJORIE (CONT)

…sign my cleavage.

GENE stands up, pulls a Sharpie out of his jacket, and signs MARJORIE’s chest

MARJORIE (CONT)

Now put Shakespeare’s signature right underneath.

GENE does

MARJORIE

Dear God man, where have you been hiding? Hamlet has never gotten me so hot. I had to have 3 cigarettes after your lecture. I must run to the lavatory, but when I return, I want to see how much of a Rogue and Peasant slave you are, you naughty man.

MARJORIE kisses GENE hard then walks off, flirting with him the whole way. ELTON just watches, stunned. GENE sits down, looking smug.

ELTON

Ummm….soo.

GENE

Yes?

ELTON

I’ve got a Dickens seminar next month. How would you attach mutton chops and a stovepipe hat so that wouldn’t fall off when upside down?

BLACK OUT

16 February 2009
FSW: We Three Kings…

The gods of writing have pretty much conspried against me getting anything out before Friday these days. I’m just thankful for that west-coast midnight deadline

Our newest sketch warrior suggested the theme last week: Learning Something New About History.

I figured I’d jump the gun and get into the Christmas spirit as well.

Richard took us to school about Harry Truman – no word from Peter yet. I’ll update when others report in for battle.

But for now, these three kings of orient are possibly trying to smoke a rubber cigar:

___________________________________________________________________

EXT. DESERT MUD HUT – NIGHT
BALTHASAR, MELCHIOR and CASPAR all stare up into the night sky

BALTHASAR
Oh yeah – that’s definitely an “a-Messiah-is-born” star. No doubt about it.

MELCHIOR
It’s so bright.

CASPAR
Wow….just…..wow.

MELCHIOR
We should probably go inside…we’re probably damaging our eyes staring at it.

CASPAR
We should, like, follow that star man.

BALTHASAR
Caspar you are such a goddamn hippie.

CASPAR
Oh come on man…if there’s a baby messiah under that thing, like the prophecies say, we should go and meet it, introduce ourselves.

BALTHASAR
Hmmmmm…3 wise men, meeting a baby with a big future…not bad. Nice…heart-warming.

MELCHIOR
We should wait and leave in the morning. Riding a camel in the dark is definitely not wise.

BALTHASAR
Think we can get some press to meet us there? Judean Sun Times, maybe The Daily Roman?

CASPAR
Balthasar, not everything is about publicity man! Some things are about love…sharing, connecting with people, bringing the world together.

MELCHIOR
As long as I don’t have to hug the baby…they’re very germy.

CASPAR
We just go, meet the new messiah, maybe give them some new baby gifts…

MELCHIOR
Ooo! I’ve got the perfect thing…a vaporizer. It’s so dry in the desert. And dusty! Oy!

CASPAR
I saw this really cool gourd rattle that would be good, and I can put together some medicinal herbs for the baby, you know, for like when he gets colicy, or starts teething…write out some instructions for the new mommy. I think that could be helpful.

BALTHASAR
Oh….I know. I’m bringing gold. A big bag of gold.

MELCHIOR and CASPAR pause, and stare at BALTHASAR

MELCHIOR
You bastard.

CASPAR
Oh man…you just don’t get it.

BALTHASAR
What? They can just buy whatever they need. Or hold on to it, put it in the messiah‘s college fund.

MELCHIOR
Well, I can’t bring a vaporizer if you’re bringing gold. I’d look like a schmuck.

CASPAR
Balthy, Melchior and I are happy your self-help scroll became a such a big seller. But would you please stop flaunting it.

BALTHASAR
Did you hear it’s getting released in Egyptian?

CASPAR
Do you hear yourself, man? You want to give a bag of gold to a baby, to the king of kings….the son of God. What is he going to do with gold?

MELCHIOR
A baby could choke on those coins…and they’re definitely not sanitary. Who knows where they’ve been. Dirty Romans!

BALTHASAR
Look, if he’s the song of God, why bring him anything anyway, right? Not like he needs something his Dad can’t give him.

CASPAR
That’s not the point man….we give him stuff that says “hey, welcome to the mortal plane…thanks for coming, we want to make you more at home so you stay a while”

MELCHIOR
Vaporizers make desert air much more breathable.

CASPAR
Maybe some personal stuff….stuff From the heart.

BALTHASAR
My money is personal. I made it, and I’m very attached to it. Tis is my way of saying “I’ve been fortunate, and I’m happy to give a little back”

MELCHIOR
You’re saying “I’m a rich bastard who sucks up to deities” is what you’re saying.

BALTHASAR
God gave me the wisdom to write a best-selling self-help scroll. Sue me if I want to give something to his offspring as a thank you for what he gave me.

MELCHIOR
God would throw up if he thought he contributed to “He’s Just Not That Into Jews”. You want to give something? Give him your promise to never write again. There’s a gift he can use!

BALTHASAR
You two have been riding my robe-tails for years. Go ahead admit it – you are so jealous that I’m getting rich and famous, and you can’t even get a Roman research grant.

MELCHIOR
That is not fair! You know those grants are biased against non-latin speakers.

CASPAR
Oh man…you two are bumming me out so bad right now.

MELCHIOR
Happy now? You know how sensitive he is. I’m sorry Caspar. I shouldn’t let him get to me.

CASPAR
It’s alright Melchie. Balthy, maybe you should reconsider…give them something a little less pretentious, more appropriate for a baby. How about a puppy?

MELCHIOR
Or maybe, I don’t know, something you could strap to the side of a donkey that doesn’t say “I have a big exposed bag of gold – please conk me on the head with a rock and steal it.”

BALTHASAR
Look, I’ll give what I want to give, and you give whatever you want to…and can afford to give.

CASPAR and MELCHIOR look at each other, resigned.

CASPAR
Hey Melchie, what do you think of frankincense? You know, as a present for the baby messiah?

MELCHIOR
Oh good choice Caspar. Very nice.

BALTHASAR
What’s that?

CASPAR
Oh man…it’s like this really special type of incense. All natural, homeopathic, and a very unique scent. I know, like, rich people really dig it these days, for their huts and throne rooms and stuff, but my friend Raul makes most of it, so I could probably get a bunch for cheap.

MELCHIOR
You know, I bet I could get a nice bottle of myrrh from Hiram down at the apothecary. He owes me for tutoring his daughter in Sanskrit.

CASPAR
Oh that’s a great idea man!

BALTHASAR
Myrrh? I’ve never heard of myrrh.

CASPAR
It’s a healing balm.

MELCHIOR
Like Neosporin, but for rich-people. It’s got a real nice smell, and everyone thinks it’s exotic because of the name. They did some very nice branding on Myrrh.

BALTHASAR
I’ve never heard of frankincense or myrrh. I bet most people haven’t.

CASPAR
Probably not.

MELCHIOR
Which will make them seem more special, and personal. Not cold, common and ordinary like gold….I mean, anybody can get gold, right?

BALTHASAR
Yeah, but everybody KNOWS what gold is. Years from now people will still remember that one wise man gave the messiah baby gold.

CASPAR
Yeah, but they’ll talk about the frankincense and the myrrh, since those are like, rare and mysterious…they’ll, like, have to go look those up.

MELCHIOR
And at dinner parties they’ll be like “well, one of them gave gold, but what’s frankincense?”

CASPAR
“What’s Myrrh?”

MELCHIOR
Those will be what everybody talks about.

CASPAR
Forever.

MELCHIOR
People just can’t resist a little mystery, or talking about exotic things, can they?

CASPAR
Nope. Just in their nature.

BALTHASAR looks in angry disbelief at CASPAR and MELCHIOR. The storms off stage.

CASPAR
Hey Balthy, where you going man?

BALTHASAR (O.S.)
To find a fucking puppy!

CASPAR
(to MELCHIOR)
You’re still going with the vaporizer, right?

MELCHIOR
Never considered myrrh for a second. You?

CASPAR
They’d arrest me on sight for giving frankincense to a baby. But I got a little back in the hut….want to smoke some and stare at the messiah star?

MELCHIOR
Why not. My eyes could stand a little more damage.

MELCHIOR and CASPAR exit

FADE TO BLACK.

5 December 2008
FSW: Oprah Edition

Annnnnnnndddd coming in just under the wire…

It’s Friday Sketch War….and if you’re going to come to a war, it’s nice to be fashionably late (hey, it worked for the U.S. in both world wars, right???).

Anyway here’s my foray into the world of Oprah…and her friends.

Peter put the Big O in Oprah for us and Richard gave us some lovely homemade gifts

Not sure who’s handling our theme for next week, but following Oprah is gonna be a tough act.
But for now…….heeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee’sssssssss OPRAH!
___________________________________________________________________

INT. OPRAH’S OFFICE – DAY
A large opulent office with pictures of Oprah hanging on every wall. The door opens and here comes the woman herself, followed by her assistant HENRY, who reads off a clipboard.

HENRY
…and Maria confirmed her interview for next Thursday, but she’s coming solo, no Nick. Michelle Obama agreed to write the “First Day as First Lady”article for “O” in January, and she confirmed you have 3 VIP tickets to the inaugural ball.

OPRAH
That’s fabulous Henry. Well done! Thank you so much – you have no idea how much I appreciate everything you do for me.

HENRY
It’s just nice to be part of it all Ms. Winfrey.

OPRAH
Now Henry, you’re my friend…I am never “Ms. Winfrey” to my friends.

HENRY
Alright…..Oprah. Oh heck – I’ll just call you “O”!
(giggles)
I’m going to check on the fundraiser invites – I heard “The Donald” RSVP’d yes this time!

OPRAH
Fabulous Henry. Thank you so much!

HENRY beams as her leaves. OPRAH sits down at her desk and starts going through the various memos and letters sitting there. An electrical crackle is heard outside the door, and light flashes can be seen beneath it. Smoke starts coming under the door right before the door bursts open and T101 walks in carrying an extremely large multi-barreled machine gun. He steps into the room and slams the door closed behind him and locks it.

OPRAH
Excuse me…can I help you?

T101
(in an Austian-accented stiff mechanical voice)
I am a Cyberdyne systems Terminator model 101. I have been sent back in time to terminate you, and stop from destroying the future.

OPRAH
Destroying the future? Honey, are you sure it’s me you’re looking for?

T101
Are you talk show host and media magnate Oprah Winfrey?

OPRAH
Yes, I am.

T101
Then you are the my target. I must destroy you.

OPRAH
Now wait a minute…there must be some mistake. Do you know anything about me?

T101
Oprah Gail Winfrey, born January 29, 1954 in Kosciusko, Mississippi, host of an internationally syndicated talk show, magazine publisher, influential book critic, and philanthropist.

OPRAH
Philanthropist – do you know what that means?

T101
One who actively engages in efforts to promote human welfare through actions and or charitable donations.

OPRAH
Right…I try to help people, with everything I do. My magazine is dedicated to things that make people’s lives better. I recommend books that can positively affect people’s lives. I’ve founded schools. I discovered Dr. Phil. Even my interviews help celebrities deal with issues. I couldn’t possibly hurt people. You must have me confused with someone else.

T101
May 23, 2005 – you interview actor Tom Cruise. Your therapeutic interview style emboldens him to jump up and down on your sofa like a child. Over the next 4 years his inhibitions continue to disappear and he begins making outrageous claims about the healing powers of Scientology. On April 25, 2009, his Scientology powers fully manifest. By the end of 2009, he eradicates all mental illness from the planet and Tom Cruise turns his attention to other illnesses. June 5 2010, Tom Cruise cures the last sick person on the plane. Pharmaceutical companies and health care providers are bankrupted, and the medical-industrial complex is destroyed creating massive financial upheaval. Tom Cruise appoints himself surgeon general of the galaxy then swears undying loyalty to you for unleashing his true potential. He creates an army of scientology-powered healers, placing you in total control of the world’s mental and physical health.

OPRAH
Tom’s little crazy, but disease becomes a thing of the past – that’s amazing! How can that be…

T101
In 2009, the world is on the brink complete financial collapse. The big three American automakers border in complete self-destruction. On May 22nd, 2009, you arrange a secret meeting between yourself and the heads of GM, Ford and Chrysler. Three days later, every household in the world is told to look under their favorite chair. Each finds a key and a note that says “You get a car!”. May 25th, 2009 – millions around the world pick up their free american-made car Gasoline sales soar, and the low Detroit quality standards force all vehicle recipients to seek professional service. Within 30 days, the global economy is booming, and automakers see record profits from replacement parts and mechanics fees. The big 3 automakers and OPEC declare loyalty to you.

OPRAH
Doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with that. People who can’t afford cars get them, the world’s economy is fixed, automakers are saved….everyone’s happy.

T101
On August 5th, 2011 the world enters a new ice age. Vehicle emissions block 68% of the earth’s normal sunlight. No one is depressed due to the efforts of Tom Cruise’s Scientology corps.

OPRAH
Okay. I see where that could have been handled better, but I promise that I will…

T101
On November 6th, 2012 Barack Obama wins his second presidential term with 89% of the popular vote. On December 21st, 2012 – the day ancient Mayans predicted would be the end of the world, President Obama gives a press conference outlining his plan to address the ice age. It is preempted by a CNN report showing the Mayan god of death, Cizin, rising from his dormant underground state and laying waste to Mexico city. President Obama takes flight in front of the White House press corps, revealing himself to be a highly advanced robot. He arrives in Mexico City and fights Cizin. He defeats Cizin. Soon after an anonymous sour
ce coms forward with proof that he created by scientists working in a secret laboratory at “O” magazine.

OPRAH
That’s impossible…no one knows about that lab…how do you..

T101
I am from the future. President Obama has been acting on your commands for his entire political life. You become the most powerful person on the planet controlling health care, the economy, and the United States. On January 27th, 2012, you are appointed queen of the world. Howard Stern commits suicide. After 20 years, most of the planet is well adjusted, exercising regularly and eating a sensible diet. Anyone who refuses to get in touch with their feelings is hunted down and sent to inner-child rehabilitation camps. A small group of rebels storm the “O” robotics lab, and under poor conditions create the terminators to stop you and your enforcers.

OPRAH
I don’t think you want to stop me…I think you need….

OPRAH dives for her desk and hits a button. A panel in the wall behind her opens up, and Dr. Phil marches out with a large gun

DR. PHIL
…a big dose of reality son!

T101 fires and blows Dr. Phil’s head off. It sputters and sparks.

T101
I was forewarned about your Dr. Phil robot. Now, I must kill you.

OPRAH
Wait….you don’t have to be this way, a mindless killer. There’s a part of you that feels regret and sorrow for me.

T101
I have now feelings. I am a machine. Your therapeutic questioning cannot affect me.

OPRAH
Alright. You know yourself best. Just let me give you a last present – a book I’m reviewing.

OPRAH picks up a book off her desk and tosses it to T101

T101
(reading the book title)
“You Are Not A Machine – reclaiming your humanity”. You’re attempt at distraction is wasted on….
(pausing as he skims through the book)
I have felt alone like this….how the author know?

OPRAH has pulled out a bazooka from under her desk and she shoots T101 with it. He explodes in a ball fire. Parts fall smoldering everywhere. The phone on the desk buzzes. OPRAH picks it up.

HENRY (on phone)
O? What was that noise? Are you alright?

OPRAH
I’m fine Henry. It was just another terminator. Have security check that time-travel shield around the building, I don’t think it’s working. And have the lab send up another Dr. Phil ASAP.

HENRY (on phone)
Right away O.

OPRAH hangs up the phone, then redials

OPRAH
Barack – this is Big O…access code 41542. Activate Mayan God combat protocols…we’re going to update your database.

FADE OUT

28 November 2008
FSW: Horrible Family Holiday edition

Happy almost-Thanksgiving everyone!

This weeks theme was:

horrible family holidays

It was graciously provided by @tjonsek, who suggested it on Richard’s blog. Speaking of Richard, he took us out for a lovely Holiday dinner in New York for his salvo.

I decided to examine the origins of Holiday drama in America.

And…if you’d like to suggest a theme for next week, , leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs.

Meanwhile, in the early 1600’s……

___________________________________________________________________

INT. RUSTIC PILGRIM LODGE – DAY
We’re inside a cabin in Plymouth in the days of the pilgrims. The furniture is all rough hewn wood, and various herbs are hanging from the ceiling drying. There’s a knock on the front door and MILES enters, dressed in full traditional pilgrim garb.

MILES
The pie looks fine. Just scrape the charred part off the top and no one will know the difference.

MILES answers the door. Two American Indians in traditional garb, MASSOTIHAN and his wife POWANIQUA stand in the doorway carrying a few baskets. The sounds of squealing children can be heard outside behind them.

MILES
Heeeeeyyyy!!! Masso! What’s up, my savage?

MILES and MASSOTIHAN go through and elaborate macho handshake \ chest bump \ grunting ritual

MILES (CONT)
Happy Second Thanksgiving Buddy!
(to PRISCILLA offstage)
Hey Babycakes, shake a leg…the Moonwolves are here!

PRISCILLA (O.S.)
Coming.

MILES
Come on in…make yourselves at home.
(shouting out the front door)
Hey Tobias, Dorothy…play nice with the Moonwolf kids, okay? No “Christians and heathens”, okay?

CHILDREN
(from off)
Awwwwwww

MILES
(closes the door)
Wow….it’s getting cold out there. Fucking Plymouth huh? Love the foliage, hate the cold.

MASSOTIHAN
Try living in a tent in this crap. Why you white guys wanted to have the first Thanksgiving outside last year is a mystery to me.

MILES
Hey….we’re European, we never spent any time outside before coming here. We were all hopped up on the “we escaped religious persecution AND survived our first year in the new world” thing, know what I mean? Any problems getting here?

POWANIQUA
We would have been here 30 minutes ago if someone wasn’t absolutely positive it was a left at the burned out oak.

POWANIQUA shoots a glare at MASSOTIHAN

MASSOTIHAN
I’ve only rode over here once before, and that was in spring.

MILES
(to POWANIQUA)
You must be Mrs. Moonwolf. I’m Miles Dogood. It’s nice to finally meet you. Masso talks about you whenever we’re in a hunting party together.

MILES shakes POWANIQUA’s hand

POWANIQUA
Just call me ‘Pow’. We’ll be here all day if you always use my full name.

MILES
Nice furs…can I take those for you?

MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUA take off their fur wraps and hand them to MILES, who takes them offstage. MASSOTIHAN and POWANIQUAN set their parcels of food on the table.

MASSOTIHAN
I tell ya’, you white guys sure don’t know shit about wilderness living, but you got that the naming thing right. Short first name, long last name, call everyone by their first name – if that’s too long you just call someone by an even shorter version of their name…so much easier than these long-ass indian names. Just role call for tribal council meetings takes 4 hours.

MILES re-enters and walks over to see what’s on the table.

MILES
Mmmmm…smells good. Corn?

POWANIQUA
Maize.

MILES
Oh right…sorry….forgot.

MASSOTIHAN
There’s maize bread, creamed maize, and maize on the cob. She’s been cooking all week.

MILES
That’s very nice of you Pow. You shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble.

PRISCILLA enters, carrying a mug. She appears to be a little tipsy.

PRISCILLA
(to MILES)
I’ve been cooking all week too…don’t remember hearing you say I shouldn’t go to all that trouble.

MILES
Hey honey…you remember Massotihan Moonwolf, from the hunting parties?

PRISCILLA
Oh yeah…you ride horses with your shirt off, right?

MASSOTIHAN
Sometimes, in summer. It can get hot on those hunts.

PRISCILLA
Oh I bet it does…you get pretty sweaty too. Do you workout, or are you just naturally muscular?
MASSOTIHAN
I play a lot of lacrosse.

PRISCILLA
So you’re good with a long stick huh?

MILES
(ushering PRISCILLA away from MASSOTIHAN)
And this is his wife Powaniqua – ‘Pow’ for short.

PRISCILLA
Well aren’t you a cute young thing…Pow, WOW! HAHAHA

MILES
Let’s have a seat while dinner finishes cooking.

PRISCILLA
“Pow Wow”…get it? God that’s funny.

MILES
(to PRISCILLA)
I think you’ve had eno
ugh ale, turtledove.

MILES tries to take PRISCILLA’s mug away

PRISCILLA
Just try it.

MILES backs off and sits down. An uneasy quiet settles over the room. Priscilla makes a few subtle flirty gestures towards MASSOTIHAN, who looks uncomfortable. When MILES sees her she looks indignant, and just sips more ale. POWANIQUA shoots a few looks at MASSOTIHAN who gives her an “it’s not my fault” gesture right back.

MASSOTIHAN
Something smells good. Wild turkey?

MILES
Oh yeah….big bastard too. Shot it myself…just me and the old blunderbus, snuck up on that big bird and BLAMMO!!! One roaster.

PRISCILLA
(to herself)
Only retarded turkey in Massachusetts.

MILES
What’s happening in the Wampanoag camp these days?

MASSOTIHAN
My father-in-law is running for chief again.

POWANIQUA
It’d be Daddy’s third term.

MILES
Nice.

MASSOTIHAN
He keeps saying he can get me on the tribal council, but I don’t know if I’m cut out for politics.

MILES
I’m with you there….I’m more a man of action myself.

PRISCILLA
Action my ass.

MILES
The church…that’s where the big money is, if you’re a self starter. Go out, convert people, build a congregation, develop your own zealots. Great franchise opportunities.

PRISCILLA
Miles could have been a town elder by now, but SOMEONE didn’t want to burn that witch last May.

MILES
They never proved she was a witch.

PRISCILLA
They threw her in a river and she floated! Helllloooooo!!!

MILES
It was a stream…it was six inches deep!

PRISCILLA
Pussy.

POWANIQUA
Europeans have really mixed feelings about magic, don’t they? We’ve always been supportive of magic people like our medicine man…

PRISCILLA
Just butt of out this, Missy Pow-Now-Brown-Cow, okay?

POWANIQUA
I was just saying…

PRISCILLA
Zip-it, you skinny buckskin-wearing bitch.

POWANIQUA
Well…I never….I…..

POWANIQUA runs out the front door crying.

MASSOTIHAN
Honey, wait….

MASSOTIHAN runs after her

PRISCILLA
Forget the whiny squaw, Squanto. Mama’s got your spirit quest right here!

MILES
Priscilla!

PRISCILLA
(running over to the door shouting after MASSOTIHAN)
Once you go white, you never go back!!!

MILES
PRISCILLA!!!

PRISCILLA
I’ll give you something to be thankful for…lets’ lose that nobility, noble savage!
(clapping hand over her mouth like an indian war whoop)
Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo

MILES
Priscilla close that door and get over here right now or I will get the god damned village exorcist, I shit you not!!

PRISCILLA shuts the door and walks back into the room, and sits.

MILES (CONT)
Every time…EVERY time you get a little too much ale in you, you get mean and completely out of control.

PRISCILLA
I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. It’s just the holidays…I start missing my family, civilized cities, currency, not having bears in the front yard….

MILES
I know honey.

PRISCILLA
And we haven’t been…fruitful…in so long.

MILES
We live in a one bedroom cabin with 2 kids and no doors Priscilla.

PRISCILLA
I know. It just gets to me sometimes.

MILES hugs her.

MILES
Look….why don’t you go make some tea, and let the ale wear off a bit, okay? I’ll go find Masso and Pow and make peace, and then we’ll all have a great Thanksgiving dinner, okay? And after, we’ll figure out how soon we can build a second bedroom.

PRISCILLA
Alright honey. I’m sorry. Really.

MILES hugs PRISCILLA again, then she goes off into the kitchen. The front door opens and MASSOTIHAN re-enters, the sounds of screaming kids playing behind him. MILES runs to the door and shouts out.

MILES
(to the kids outside)
HEY!!! KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE!!! YOU SOUND LIKE A BUNCH OF WILD INDIANS!!!!

MASSOTIHAN gives MILES a pissed off look

MILES
It’s just an expression.

MASSOTIHAN
Sure….no problem. I tell my kids all the time to stop acting like anal-retentive puritans.

MILES
Okay…sorry. I’ll never say that again, okay? Truce?

MASSOTIHAN nods

MILES (CONT)
How’s Pow?

MASSOTIHAN
She’s pissed but she’ll be fine…she’ll be back, she just needs a few minutes.

MILES
Good…Priscilla’s sobering up in the kitchen. Look, I’m sorry about all this.

MILES closes the door. MILES and MASSOTIHAN sit down exhausted in the room.

MILES
I thought we’d squeezed all the drama out of this holiday last year, at the first one.

MASSOTIHAN
Nope. Trust me – we’ve had feasts for thousands of years. There’s always been drama at these damn things. The elders tell tales of holiday drama passed down from the last ice age.

MILES
Does it ever get better?

MASSOTIHAN
Nope. People keep trying though. Year after year…”maybe this year will be different”….”maybe next year will be different”. But it never will be.

MILES
So how do you guys get through these things without going nuts?

MASSOTIHAN looks around to see if anyone’s looking, then pulls a peace pipe out of his tunic.

MASSOTIHAN
Let’s just celebrate the harvest brother….know what I mean?

MILES
Harvest?

MASSOTIHAN
Hell yeah….had a bumper crop of Cape Cod Wowee, you feel me?

MILES
Now you’re talkin’ my red skinned brother. Let’s sneak out back and make some peace.

MASSOTIHA
N and MILES get up, do a fist bump and head out the front door

MILES (CONT)
Oh Lord, we thank thee DEEPLY for this bounty we are about to receive….

FADE OUT.

21 November 2008
FSW: Autumn Edition

Nothing like coming in under the wire! This week got unexpectedly crazy, but neither corporate machinations, travel plans, unexpected improv workouts nor the cranky elderly can keep me from my appointed sketch!!!

Richard gave us “Autumn” as our theme for the week – and Autumn years was what jumped to mind. So below is my ode to “raging against the dying of the light”. Richard gave us a lovely trip through the Autumn foliage. No word from other combtants yet.

Theme duties will probably fall to me…unless you’ve got a theme you’d like to see us try out for next week, leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs when their sketches are up (no pressure :).

________________________________________________________________

INT. RETIREMENT HOME COMMON ROOM – DAY
JESSIE sits in a comfy chair next to her grandfather, WILBUR, well into his 80’s. A walker is also nearby.

JESSSIE
(showing WILBUR a photo)
And this was when we went to that petting zoo out near Sturbridge, Grandpa. Danny just loved those goats.

WILBUR
You know, ke looks so much like your dad at that age. He’s 3 now?

JESSSIE
Three and a half…and he makes sure everyone knows about the half.

WILBUR
He’s adorable. I want to see him more soon, when my hip is better and I…

2 elderly men and one woman, (ED, LES, and FANNY) all wearing red bandanas, roll by slowly in pimped-out wheelchairs (glow lights, spinners on the wheels, bass-thumping Sinatra songs, etc). Each has a can of Ensure in their wheelchair cupholder, and they sip it from time to time like taking a hit off a forty. They stare at WILBUR and JESSIE as slowly roll by. WILBUR takes notice as Jessie pulls out another photo.

JESSSIE
(pulling out another photo)
Oh…and here he is pulling the goat’s tail.

WILBUR starts to get up

WILBUR
Listen honey, you need to go….now.

JESSSIE
I just got here Grandpa Wilbur.

WILBUR
I know, I’m sorry…I’ll look at those pictures another time, but right now you’ve got to go.

JESSSIE
Is something wrong Grandpa?

WILBUR
Shut up and leave…now…please!!!

JESSSIE
Oh…okay. I’ll email you the rest of those photos Grandpa Wilbur.

WILBUR
Fine…whatever…

JESSIE starts to leave through a side door, looking back at WILBUR as she goes. Just as she gets to the door, LES wheels in and blocks her way.

LES
Going somewhere, missy??

LES wheels in slowly herding JESSIE back into the room. JESSIE goes for another aide door, where FANNY pulls in blocking her way.

FANNY
No hurry, child….sit a spell….

FANNY wheels forward herding Jessie into the middle of the room as well. So JESSIE tries to exit through the upstage door. ED wheels in to block her.

ED
Well, well, well….looks like Wilbur has himself a visitor.

ED herds JESSIE back into the room. LES and FANNY join him, and the three starting wheeling in a circle around JESSIE.

WILBUR
That’s my granddaughter E-Dog. She’s just leaving.

ED
Nonsense…pretty little thing like that. I bet she has all kinds of stories to share about your great grandkids. Have a seat my dear.

JESSSIE
I think I really should be going.

ED pulls out an automatic handgun.

ED
Respect your elders bitch, or I will pop a cap in your ass, you feel me?

JESSIE sees the gun and slowly sits back down in the comfy chair. LES and FANNY laugh, in phlegmy elderly way.

ED
There now, isn’t that better.

WILBUR
Look E-Dog, I was going to find you right after Jessie left.

ED
Here that posse….Wilbur was just gonna come see us. Ain’t that convenient.

FANNY
Sounds like he’s fibbing to me E-Dog.

JESSSIE
Exuse me, but who are you people.

LES
Watch your tone, missy. You don’t know who you’re messing with.

ED
We’re the E-Wing Incontinentals.

FANNY
The toughest gang in Shady Oaks.

LES
Tougher than the Cripples or the Bleeders.

ED
We run this place. And your Grandpa here is behind on his tributes to us.

JESSSIE
Look if it’s money you want…

ED
What we gonna do with money in here, huh? We can’t buy nothin’, cause there ain’t no place to buy nothin’.

LES
We need something better than money…something with some real purchasing power, something we can trade inside.

FANNY
Butterscotches.

ED
Butterscotch is the really currency in hear…you want afghans, slippers, extra pudding, knitted slippers….butterscotch is gold baby.

LES
Word

WILBUR
Look E-Dog, I was going to get some…my hip is just taking longer to heal than I thought, that’s all.

ED
You got a visitor right there Wilbur….you couldn’t phone and have her bring some?

FANNY
Like a big bag…Walgreen’s has them on sale.

LES
$3.99 for 3.

ED
Yeah Wilbur…how come you didn’t ask her to bring some?

JESSSIE
He’s diabetic. I would never bring him candy unless it was that sugar free kind.

LES
Sugar free tastes like shit.

FANNY
Gives me the toots.

JESSSIE
Are you seriously waving a gun at people demanding butterscotches? Are you insane.

LES
Watch yourself missy!

FANNY
Respect your elders, girly girl!

JESSSIE
How about earning my respect. You should know better than to point a gun at someone. You pull that on the wrong person and you could get killed.

ED
So what. We ain’t got no future in here.

LES
Damn straihgt E-dog.

ED
We got what, 10, 20 years left to live? Live fast…

FANNY
As fast as you can without hurting yourself

ED
Die young.

LES
Younger

ED
Leave a beautiful corpse

FANNY
Leave A corpse.

JESSSIE
Now wait…you three have lived long lives and someone who cares very deeply about you put you here where you’d have the best care possible…

ED
Bullshit….the whole world has dissed us. Once you’re our age, you don’t got respect, and you don’t got a future….so you gots to live in the now…

FANNY
And in the butterscotch….

ED
Cause there may be no tomorrow.

LES
Word

ED draws the gun and points it at JESSIE again.

ED
And with the gun, I get your undivided attention and respect. People say respect your elders, but ain’t nobody respectin’ elders.

FANNY takes her can of Ensure and dumps a little on the floor

FANNY
For my homey John McCain.

LES
For Christ’s sake Fanny, he’s still alive

ED
But I’m gettin your respect right now, ain’t I?

FANNY
Now get us some butterscotch, bitch!

LES
Werther’s….make Her get Werthers.

ED
The Incontinentals have spoken young lady-blood…if you want to live I think you best be steppin’ down to Walgreen’s.

LES
Word

JESSSIE
I’m not doing anything for you – elder or not. You’re just a rude bitter old man.

ED
I’m a rude bitter old man with a gun bitch!

JESSSIE
Oh yeah? Well how about using it!

JESSIE gets up and moves behind ED. ED holds the gun up in one hand and tries pushing the wheels with the other as LES and FANNY shout “get her Ed, pop a cap” etc. Using just one hand though, ED just ends up turning left or right and losing his aim….Jessie keeps dodging him, and ED gets more and more frustrated trying to keep up. DERREK, the orderly, walks in.

DERREK
Hey! What the hell is going on in here?

LES
(forced whisper to FANNY)
Shit! Five-o!

DERREK walks right up to ED and takes the gun out of his hands.

DERREK
I thought I took that away from you.

JESSSIE
That was gutsy…he could have shot you.

DERREK
He can’t load any bullets…arthritis. But that doesn’t stop him from stealing this every time we have an ice cream social with the VFW, does it Ed?

ED
Call me E-Dog.

FANNY
The man…always smacking us down.

DERREK
Look…it’s tapicoa night, and Showboat is screening after in the rec room. Why don’t you three get a nap and stop hassling this woman, okay?

JESSSIE
Thank you.

DERREK nods his head and walks out. WILBUR gets up and grabs his walker.

ED
(to JESSIE)
He may have taken my piece, but we ain’t lettin you and your grandpa leave ‘til we get us a butterscotch deal.

ED, FANNY and LES roll up menacingly on WILBUR and JESSIE. JESSIE pulls the pile of photos out of her purse and throws them at the three geriatric gang bangers.

JESSSIE
C’mon Grandpa – let’s get out of here!

WILBUR starta moving as fast as his walker will allow. ED, FANNY and LES all start looking at the photos.

FANNY
Awwwww…look how cute!

LES
He sure loves that goat.

ED
Oh look…he’s even holding his toy gun properly!

ED, FANNY and LES look up to see WILBUR and JESSIE leaving. They pause for a moment thinking about pursuit, then go back to the photos.

ED
Look at this – he’s got pudding all over his face!

FANNY
So cute.

LES
Word

BLACK OUT

14 November 2008
FSW: Reconciliation

What a week! California especially has been weird – Obama wins a historic predential election (thankfully!!!! WHOOOOOOHOOOOO), California’s live stock gets breathing room, and California’s gay marriage rights get revoked….go figure. The good news is it ain’t over til the fat lady sings, and the fat ladies life-partner sings harmony.

There’s lots of reconcilition to be done out there – as historic as Obama’s election is, how the 47.6 percent of US citizens handle it (the ones that like invading countries and buying guns) may be a story unfolding for many years. I’m a happy guy cause my favorite candidate won…that’ll hold me for now.

Speaking of….reconciliation was our theme for the week. I decided to get a little silly (after hearing an interview with Matt Parker and Trey Stone – creators of South Park – where they said the thing that initially brought them together was a mutual fanatacism for Monty Python). So here’s a very rough stab at a Python sketch inspired by “reconciliation”.

No word from Michael or David yet, but Richard has taken us out of this world for his volley.

___________________________________________________________________

INT. FIFTIES-STYLE CONFERENCE ROOM

The room is dark and smoky with light beams streaming from above through the haze. Several men sit around a table, wearing green visors, bow ties, vests, horn rim glasses, and all smoking cigars. The leader, CPA, sits at the head of the table, surrounded by DOUBLE LEDGER, NICKEL, DIME, and RED INK. Each has an old-fashioned adding machine sitting on the conference table in front of them.

BIG CPA
Alright boys, this is it – the pieces are in place and we’re about ready to take this joint. Red Ink – report your progress.

RED INK
Right Big CPA. I started making small subtractions from the books months ago – a penny there, a dollar here. And I just kept carrying them forward – it would take an average person years to find the errors.

BIG CPA
Very nice…Nickel, Dime, what have you two been up to?

NICKEL
Ohhhhhh….Beeeg CPA, we have been soooooo naughty.

DIME
We keep changing what expenses are allowed….

NICKEL
And sending undecipherable memos about it to the executives

DIME
When they submit expense reports, we randomly select items to approve, and write checks for them…

NICKEL
But we don’t say which they are…so the executives won’t deposit those checks until they figure it out.

DIME
Which they never will!!!!

NICKEL AND DIME
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

BIG CPA
Diabolical boys. Double Ledger, what have you got?

DOUBLE LEDGER
I invented this special carbon paper. It automatically misaligns to any ledger you set it on. Every time someone makes an entry in the books, it moves it one line down in carbon copy, so all the entries are confusing and make no sense! And only I have the master ledger!!!

BIG CPA
Excellent work DL! I’ve been explaining our quarterly taxes to the boys upstairs using made up words – like “acrumulation” and “ficundosity” – just to confuse them. The words mean nothing, but sound official, so none of the execs have any idea what our real financial situation is.

NICKEL
Nice one…

DIME
Boss!

BIG CPA
In short boys, we’ve made accounting unbelievably illegible and complex around here…so the Staplelite corporation ever wants its books straightened out it will have to put us, the Axis of Accounts, in charge!

RED INK
At last!!! The accountants will run things! We won’t be the corporate weenies anymore!

BIG CPA stands up and places his hand on the return pull handle of the adding machine in front of him. The others follow suit.

BIG CPA
Gentlemen…..I give you the Axis…
(He pulls the handle twice….ca-chink, ca-chink)
Of Accountants!!!!

ALL
THE AXIS…
(ca-chink, ca-chink)
OF ACCOUNTANTS!!!

THE RECONCILER (O.S.)
I wouldn’t count your profits before you tallied your accounts receivable if I were you.

DOUBLE LEDGER
Jiggers! It’s The Reconciler!!!

The Reconciler, a man in a black eyes mask like the Lone Ranger, wearing a blue suit and stylish fedora steps out from the shadows.

THE RECONCILER
That’s right Double Ledger, and it’s time I liquidated your assets!!!

BIG CPA
Nickel, Dime…get him!

NICKEL and DIME jump up and start circling THE RECONCILER, brandishing sharpened pencils at him. RECONCILER looks at them for a moment, then pulls out a slide rule. They duel furiously, and the RECONCILER loses his slide rule, then catches NICKEL and DIMES pencils, one in each hand, as they lunge at him. With his thumbs, he breaks the tips off their pencils. NICKEL and DIME stare in disbelief as THE RECONCILER wraps them up with a roll of adding machine paper.

RED INK jumps into the fray.

RED INK
Stay back Reconciler! Or you’ll end up….
(pulls a bottle of red ink out of his pocket)
…in the red!!!!

THE RECONCILER
Do your worst, Red Ink!

RED INK splashes ink from his bottle all over THE RECONCILER, but it does nothing.

RED INK
It…..it can’t be!!!

THE RECONCILER
My suit is colored with the ink from a thousand leaking bic sticks! Your red ink will have no effect!

RED INK
No!!!! No!!!! It can’t be! Red ink affects eveyone!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!

RED INK slumps gibbering into the corner.

BIG CPA
Double Ledger – hit him with your books!!!

DOUBLE LEDGER
I’m an accountant….I’ve never been the physical type.

DOUBLE LEDGER throws himself out the conference room window.

THE
RECONCILER
It’s just you and me now, Big CPA.

BIG CPA pulls some papers out from under the table

BIG CPA
Wrong Masked Mathematician! It’s you, me, and your tax return from last year!

THE RECONCILER
How….how did you get that?

BIG CPA
Let’s see….looks like someone took an awfully big deduction for entertainment expenses last year.

THE RECONCILER
That’s completely legal – I threw a party thanking the Justice League for letting me to do their taxes. It was a way of getting repeat business which is allowed under 1956 tax law.

BIG CPA
Well then, how do you explain this deduction for your super car – the Add-illac?

THE RECONCILER
It counts as a government vehicle, since I fight for truth, justice and tax law. Therefore I can write off the entire cost of the vehicle in the year I buy it.

BIG CPA
Ahh, but you deducted operating expenses too…that deduction was disallowed in the section 405 amendment!

THE RECONCILE
Interesting….you must have learned that in a seminar last year, huh?

BIG CPA
Seminar? I haven’t been to a tax seminar in decades!!!! I just read the IRS updates!

THE RECONCILER
That’s what I thought…and that means you’re no longer a CPA!

BIG CPA
Nooooooo!!!!!! It can’t be!!!!

THE RECONCILER
The state requires 10 education hours for each CPA every year, and you haven’t got them! By the authority granted me by the state of Ohio, I revoke your certification…you’re powerless!

The doors open, several old-style police officers rush in, as well as Martin Palmer, CEO.

THE RECONCILER
Take them away boys…and be sure to throw their doctored books at them.

MARTIN
Good work Reconciler. How can the Staplelite corporation ever thank you?

THE RECONCILER
You’re a CEO Martin, you should never have to thank an accountant. But know that I’ll be out there, searching for better ledger systems, trying to find tools that make it easier for idiots to math, looking for automated self contained systems that do accounting accurately and quickly without socially awkward introverts being involved in the process. And I won’t rest until accountancy is something anyone can do easily, anytime, anywhere, any place!

THE RECONCILER starts to head out.

MARTIN
Uhhh…Reconciler?

THE RECONCILER
Yes Martin?

MARTIN
My books still need cleaning up….you weren’t going to walk off and just leave them with errors were you?

THE RECONCILER
No Martin, I just figured I’d wait until Monday too…

MARTIN
Did you have plans over the weekend?

THE RECONCILER
Well, no…Wonder Woman is having this party though…

MARTIN
Did she invite you?

THE RECONCILER
Ummm….no, not verbally or in a written invite but I think….

MARTIN
Oh good, then you’re free. Why don’t you get started then, and maybe you’ll be finished in time to crash the party you weren’t invited to. I’ve got a golf game to get to.

THE RECONCILER
Ummmm….sure Martin. Whatever you say.

MARTIN
You’re a life save Reconciler!

BLACK OUT

7 November 2008
FSW: Trick or Treat edition

Happy Halloween Everybody!

Let’s drop a little sketch into that goody bag shall we? It’s sugar free, but I won’t gurantee it’s razor-blade free. This week’s theme was “Trick or Treat” – and since I offered it up, I tried to get as many variations of tricks, treats and trick-or-treating into the sketch as possible. Theme honors go back to Richard for next week (although I’m sure a good theme suggested in comments would get used as well – so fire away).

No word from Michael, David or Richard yet….but then again, Richard is sporting a cool-ass Warner Brothers jack-o-lantern, and all I have is a sketch. Updates posted as more goodies get dropped in the blog-bag.

__________________________________________________________________

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE – NIGHT
The front porch of a nice suburban middle class house is all a glow with jack-o-lanterns, fake skeletons, a cauldron belching dry-ice smoke, etc. The sounds of a party come from inside – music, laughter, and people havign a great time. Three kids about 10 years old and in old-school costumes – a ghost, a witch and a devil – run up on the porch excited. They ring the doorbell, and THOM answers.

KIDS
Trick or treat!!!

THOM
Awwww…look at you guys! You look great! Hold open your bags.

All the kids do

THOM (CONT)
You guys look so great I’m going to give you extra! Two for you, two for you and two for you!

KIDS
Thank you!!!

The kids run off to the next house

THOM
You’re very welcome – Happy Halloween!!!

KIDS (O.S.)
Happy Halloween!

THOM closes the door and goes back inside.

Three adults walk up to the door now, all in long robes. The woman in the middle of the group – IRENE- wears a back satin robe with a white sash around her shoulders. The two on the ends – ZEKE and FLOYD – wear white robes and carry flaming torches.

They step onto the porch and ring the doorbell too. THOM answers.

THOM
Oh…hey it’s Irene, Zeke and Floyd, isn’t it? Wow, you guys are spooky. You must be…

IRENE immediately pulls out a holy water sprinkler and dowses THOM.

IRENE
FOUL DEMON!!! BEGONE!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEE!!!

ZEKE and FLOYD start chanting

THOM
Ahhh, my eyes!!! Jesus!

IRENE lets him have it with the sprinkler again…more chanting ensues

IRENE
USE NOT THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN, FOUL BETRAYER OF THE FAITH!!!!

THOM
Stop that would you?

IRENE motions for ZEKE and FLOYD to stop, but she keeps her sprinkler cocked for action. THOM gets the water out of his eyes.

THOM
Man that burns…what’s in that thing?

IRENE
Holy water, garlic extract and Red Bull.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
It giveth the Lord’s work wings!

THOM
What the heck are you doing?

IRENE
We are on a heavenly quest to rid the neighborhood of sinners, and you are a foul betrayer of the Lord!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
(in unison)
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

IRENE
You celebrate pagan festivals with heathen rituals!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!!

IRENE
You lure children to your wicked ways with candy.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!

THOM
Annnnnndddddd I didn’t invite you and your brothers to my Halloween party.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL BETRAYER!!!

THOM
That’s what this is really about, isn’t it Irene? The fact that I didn’t invite you to my party?

IRENE
No…not at all. We did not want to be invited to your pagan celebration of evil.

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL CELEBRATION!!!

THOM
Irene, I only know you because you run the doggie day-care.

IRENE
We are just doing the Lord’s work…to purge our neighborhood of evil.

THOM
Look, it’s just a bunch of friends from my law office and some old college buddies. You and your brothers would feel a really out of place.

IRENE sees the cauldron decoration

IRENE
Look…a cauldron. A tool of the witch….yet he is male! HE PROMOTES WITCHCRAFT AND HOMOSEXUALITY!!!

FLOYD AND ZEKE
FOUL GENDER BETRAYER!!!

More chanting and holy water

THOM
(to IRENE)
You and your brothers take great care of Mr. Barkley, but I don’t really know you at all. I just see you when I drop him off.

IRENE
Summon the rest of the congregation. Tell them to bring torches.

ZEKE and FLOYD pull cell phones out of their robes and start dialing

THOM
No…stop…look, you guys want to come to my party, come on in. There’s plenty of beer….oh, you’re religious so, we have…

ZEKE
Any vodka?

THOM
Grey Goose.

FLOYD
Elitist

THOM
I’ll get whatever vodka you want. Come on….it’ll Be fun. We’ll discuss bible verses, your favorite plague, whatever makes you happy!

IRENE
NO!!! No compromises evil one – the Lord’s justice must be done here. Zeke, Floyd, burn the evil one’s dwelling to the ground …silence his tongue lest his ravings make us mad!

ZEKE and FLOYD move to set fire to the house. LESLIE (dressed as a sexy angel) and RACHEL (as a sexy devil) come to through the door behind THOM. ZEKE and FLOYD stop in their tracks.

LESLIE
Thom, what’s taking so long? We’re holding up the Twister match for you.

RACHEL
(looking at ZEKE and FLOYD)
What about you two? Wanna play? Twister is better when there’s a whole bunch of people, all tangled together and rubbing against one another. Hehehe!

ZEKE and FLOYD look at each other, then start to walk into THOM’s house. THOM stops them.

THOM
Guys
, no torches in the house.

FLOYD and ZEKE look at one another, then the torches, then at the girls. They dump their torches in the cauldron, and go into the house while the torches extinguish with a sizzle.

IRENE watches them go, downtrodden.

THOM
Irene, come on in. We’ll just forget this ever happened.

IRENE
NEVER! I must carry the burden of the Lord’s work myself!

IRENE starts sprinkling the house

IRENE
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU – FOUL DEMONS OUT!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU – FOUL DEMONS OUT!!!

PAT, an extremely butch looking woman in a flannel shirt comes out of the front door.

PAT
Hey Thom, it was really nice of you to invite me to your party, m but I feel awkward around all your law office buddies and college friends. I mean I’m just your mechanic and…

IRENE and PAT lock eyes.

PAT
Nice robes.

IRENE
Thanks. I was performing cleansing rites on this house.

PAT
Thom’s not evil….just shallow. But I know some really evil people over on Green Terrace Drive. Wanna go burn their house down?

IRENE
Love to!

IRENE and PAT talk as they exit

PAT
Is that the Sprinklemaster deluxe Holy Water Sprinkler from Cleanse Co?

IRENE
Yes, and I got the power sprayer attachment for cleansing entire office buildings too.

PAT
Nice

LESLIE shouts from offstage in the house.

LESLIE
Hey Thom! Zeke and Floyd are purifying the Twister mat so we can play naked.

THOM
Coming!!!

BLACK OUT

31 October 2008
FSW: Mad Scientist edition

Welcome to…..FRIDAY SKETCH WAR – MAD SCIENTIST EDITION!!!! BWAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(if you were expecting subtle dignity with a theme like Mad Scientist, you are out of your freakin’ mind!!!).

It’s been a crazy week, so what better way to polish it off than with a Mad Scientist sketch. No word from Michael or Dave yet, but Richard was up bright and early posting his sketch about having friends for dinner. I’ll post updates as more creations rise from the slab.

Richard’s also kicked off an excellent idea for getting next weeks theme. If you read the sketches but aren’t going to compete, comment on Richard’s sketch (or mine) with your idea for what the theme should be. Richard will pick a favorite and we’ll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to yours truly.

UPDATE: Looks like we had a suggestion shortage for this week, so theme duties land in my court….therefore our theme for this week is:

Trick OR Treat
(yup….an option scenes incolve a trick, a treat, or both….have at it gents!)
__________________________________________________________

INT. MAD SCIENTISTS LAB
The lab is dimly lit with pools of light falling into near pitch black. Bottles and test tubes filled with glowing liquids are everywhere, Bunsen burners burn, devices that emit loud bright sparks burn and pop, vapors seem to spew from everywhere. DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN, who has a bushy wild mess of white hair and wears a lab coat, long oversized black rubber gloves, and goggles. He moves back and forth between devices and beakers, cackling madly with a heavy Germanic accent. He pours one liquid into another, watches it change color, and then let’s loose the loudest most manic cackle of all.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
(with a German accent)
IT WORKS!!! AT LONG LAST!!! THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE, BUT I’LL SHOW THEM ALL WHEN I…

JANET walks in from a small door on the side, flips a light switch and bathes the whole lab in warm overhead incandescent light.

JANET
Dr. Heiglschwein – Mrs. Davidson, your 3:30 appointment, is here. Should I send her in?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN puts down his beakers and pulls his goggles up.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Sure Janet. I was just finishing up. Send her in.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes to his desk. JANET ushers in MRS. DAVIDSON, an average looking middle-aged woman, wearing a little too much makeup. JANET then hands the DR. a manila file folder. The DR. offers his hand across the desk

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Mrs. Davidson, welcome. I’ve never seen you before, have I?

MRS. DAVIDSON
No, I’m a referral. Dr. Loudon is my GP.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Ahhhhhhhh….My old nemesis, Dr. Ronald Loudon!!! I’ve never forgiven him for defeating my army of mutated eels right before…

MRS. DAVIDSON
Look, can we cut the crap and get things moving?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Sorry Mrs. Davidson…just reminiscing.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Well, I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I’m a little fed up right now. I’ve been through 2 doctors, and it took me forever to get referred to a Mad Scientist, since insurance classifies you people as specialists. Then I had to make sure Blue Cross pre-approved me – it’s been a nightmare.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Red tape….always red tape. How may I be of service Mrs. Davidson?

MRS. DAVIDSON
It’s my husband, Walter. He’s dead.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
I see…and how long has he been dead?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Almost a month. He’d been dead less than 24 hours when I first took him in…god damn HMO’s.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Is he here today?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Yes, he’s in the lobby.

The DR. presses a button on his desk intercom

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
(into intercom)
Janet, show Mr. Davidson in.

JANET
(over intercom)
Right away doctor.

The DR. starts looking through the file. The door opens and Janet pushes a coffin through to the middle of the room. JANET looks the wheels on the coffin’s trolley and exits again. The DR. and MRS DAVIDSON walk over to the coffin. The DR opens the coffin, pulls Mr. Davidson’s stiff arm from the coffin, and checks his pulse.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Yessssss, he is dead. What did he die of?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Who knows. He always put off going to the doctor. I kept telling him “some day you’re going to put it off until it’s too late”, but did he listen to me?
(to Mr. Davidson)
NOW LOOK AT YOU WALTER!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!!!

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Ummmmm…., so well preserved, so many possibilities. The things I could do with his corpse. I could…

MRS. DAVIDSON
Look, just bring him back to life, okay? That’s all I’ve got approval from Blue Cross for.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
But there is so much more I could do Mrs. Davidson. Merge his DNA with that of a killer shark, use a nuclear isotope to mutate him into a lethal agent of darkness, implant electrodes into his skull that would make him…

MRS. DAVIDSON
STOP! Just stop right there!!! You blood-sucking doctors are all alike – let’s check this, let’s try that, blah, blah, blah. Look, I had him in bed for a month, gave him extra fluids, chicken soup, vitamins, steamed up the bathroom and sat him in there for 30 minutes every few days – bupkis! I even tried some of those herbal supplements – none of it made him come back to life. I did everything I could think of not to bring him to a doctor, because everytime I do you shysters just run up the expenses on me. Then my health insurance hits me with a big list of what they won’t cover, and I get stuck with a huge bill. So just bring him back to life, or give me a prescription to bring him back to life, and we’ll be out of your hair, okay?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
But without extreme measures Mrs. Davidson, bringing him back to life could have side effects.

MRS. DAVIDSON
For instance?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Violent mood swings, cravings for human flesh and brains, irrational fear of fire, things like that.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Those don’t sound to bad to me. We have natural gas logs in the fireplace, and any emotion he shows towards me would be a step up, if you get my drift.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Mrs. Davidson, I am legally required to do everything I can to prevent side effects like that. I don’t want you coming back and suing me for malpractice…

MRS. DAVIDSON
Oh geez…those blood-sucking lawyers are worse than you god damn doctors.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
…and the state could revoke my accreditation if he starts terrorizing the country side.

MRS. DAVIDSON pauses and thinks for a minute, looks around to make sure no one’s watching, then leans in very close across the desk.

MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
Look, Dr. Heiglschwein, isn’t there some way we can get around all those legal requirements? Maybe there’s something I have that you want badly enough to trade me for this itty-bitty favor? Hmmmmmm???

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN thinks for a moment….

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
How attached are you to…..his brain?

MRS. DAVIDSON
Not very….Walter was never a great thinker.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Well, I might be willing to sidestep a few precautions if you allowed me to keep his brain….and signed this waver.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN pulls a document from a desk drawer and pushes it across to MRS. DAVIDSON. He pulls a pen out of the breast pocket of his lab coat, clicks it loudly in the silence and sets it down for her to sign.

MRS. DAVIDSON
(picking up the pen)
Thank you Doctor, you’re a life saver. Done and done

MRS. DAVIDSON starts signing the waver as DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN goes back, grabs a power saw goes over to the coffin. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN’s hands are in the coffin so we can’t see them, but we hear a power saw cutting through something, with a few wet sounds tossed in. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN sets the power saw down on a bench and pulls a brain out of the coffin. He sets it in a glass jar on the bench as MRS. DAVIDSON comes over.

Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN plugs several cables and tubes into the corpse turns several dials and pushes several buttons. He finally pulls a large blade switch on a wall. The lights go dark, sparks light up everywhere, liquids bubble, lightning crashes, etc. When the Dr. pushes the switch back up, smoke is rising from the coffin. A loud grunt is heard, and a hand punches through the side of the coffin. WALTER, who has a large scar across his forehead sits up, rips the rest of the side off the coffin, then stands. He has a very large and obvious erection in his pants. He sees MRS. DAVIDSON and grunts in anger as he goes to strangle her, arms outstretched.

MRS. DAVIDSON
Oh knock it off Walter.

WALTER stops dead in his tracks, dejected and compliant. Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN comes over, checks WALTER’S heart with a stethoscope.

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
He lives!!!

MRS. DAVIDSON
I see that.
(pointing to Walter’s giant erection)
What’s going on with that?

DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN
Oh….a side effect. It often occurs when someone has had rigor mortis too long.

MRS. DAVIDSON
It will eventually go away, right?

Dr. HEIGLSCHWEIN nods no. MRS DAVIDSON thinks this over, and comes to the happy conclusion this might have it’s benefits.

MRS. DAVIDSON
(to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
Oh you are good.
(to WALTER)
Walter, we’re going home, right now – get in the car

WALTER frankenstein-walks out the door, his erection leading the way

MRS. DAVIDSON
(back to DR. HEIGLSCHWEIN)
Thank you Doctor. All my girlfriends are going to hear about you!

WALTER grunts excitedly offstage.

MRS. DAVIDSON (CONT)
(to WALTER)
Walter that’s a hydrangea – stop that!!!
(smiling, to the DOCTOR)
He was never this frisky before!
(Back to WALTER as she exits)
I’m coming Walter…let’s go home.

FADE TO BLACK

24 October 2008
FSW: Best Friends Edition

Stop, hey what’s that sound? Everybody look what’s goin down….it’s the FRIDAY SKETCH WAR – BEST FRIENDS EDITION!!! And this week, I took “war” a little too literally.

Richard gave our theme last week – not sure who theme duties fall to this week since Michael’s status is up in the air, but Dave rejoined the battle week!

I’ll post updated links as combatants report to the arena.

UPDATED: Michael snuck in when I wasn’t looking (well before I posted actually), and gave us a tale of banks, dildos, and prarie dogs (welcome back to the blogospehere Michael – even if is just a Friday drive-by). He also provided next week’s theme: Mad Scientist. More updates as others report in.

__________________________________________________________________

EXT. VIETNAM JUNGLE 1968 – NIGHT
Explosions and sound of automatic gunfire can be heard from every side – we’re in the middle of a nighttime jungle firefight. People are screaming and voices can be heard barking orders in military jargon, planes streak past overhead.

SOUTHSIDE, an African-American US soldier in his early 20’s enters, supporting CHARGER, a burly square jawed white soldier also in his early 20’s who appears to be wounded. Both wear jungle camo fatigues. SOUTHSIDE sets CHARGER down on the ground and pulls off his backpack. CHARGER grunts and grabs his leg in pain as SOUTHSIDE starts pulling medical supplies out of his pack and treating CHARGER.

SOUTHSIDE
Hang on man, we’re gonna to get you outta here. You’re gonna make it.

CHARGER
It’s bad man….I know it’s bad. You don’t have to lie to me.

SOUTHSIDE
Stay with me Charger….do not give up!

CHARGER
I always knew I’d buy it in ‘Nam, Southside…that I’d end up dying for my country. But…I….

SOUTHSIDE
You got something to say, now’s the time.

CHARGER
There’s a hundred ways to buy it in the Nam, Southside. But I’m glad I get to go with you by my side. You’ve been the best buddy a guy could ever have…always there for me no matter what.

SOUTHSIDE
Hang on man…hang on….we gonna get you home, I promise you.

CHARGER
No man, I ain’t gettin’ out of this jungle alive, but you are…and you gotta live for me…gotta do the livin’ for both of us from now on, you understand?

SOUTHSIDE
Yeah, I hear you….what you want me to do for you brother?

CHARGER
Make America mean something again….make it a shining beacon of truth and justice in the world
SOUTHSIDE
I will, man, I promise I will

CHARGER
Fight for clean air…

SOUTHSIDE
Until my dying day

CHARGER
And for pure water…

SOUTHSIDE
With every ounce of my strength…

CHARGER
And fight to make sure no black man ever becomes president.

SOUTHSIDE
Excuse me?

CHARGER
You gotta make that happen for me since I can’t!

SOUTHSIDE
Did you just tell me….ME…a black man, your best friend in Vietnam….the dude tryin to save your life, to make sure a black man never becomes president???

CHARGER
Oh thank God, you understand.

SOUTHSIDE
What the fuck Man?You can NOT be that much of a redneck. We been best friends the entire time been in country, and the whole time we were in bootcamp before that. My redneck detector would have gone apeshit a long time ago if you were bullshittin this whole time..

CHARGER
Power and money is all us white guys have left.

SOUTHSIDE
Ain’t that enough?

CHARGER
No man…Black musicians are cooler than whites, black athletes are better than white atletes, black men have bigger…

SOUTHSIDE
That’s a myth.

CHARGER
Remember the barracks showers at Fort Bragg?

SOUTHSIDE
(smiling)
Okay, you got me. But look…we may be great athletes, but it’s rich white guys that own the teams.

CHARGER
Just when we’re old – it’s the only way white guys get laid after 55.

SOUTHSIDE
Good point.

CHARGER
Look man…white guys are losing all the cool stuff. Being president is the last great dream white kids can have without fear of competition.

SOUTHSIDE
So I should never let a black man be president.

CHARGER
Never

SOUTHSIDE
Not even if the whole country is going to shit and the black man in question was like super-smart and had all kinds of great ideas on how to fix things?

CHARGER
Every dumb white person in the US would move to Canada if a smart black man had to bail their asses out.

SOUTHSIDE
Might not be so bad.

CHARGER
You want a war with Canada?

SOUTHSIDE
Charger, man, I love you like a brother, but you ask too much

CHARGER
It’s my dying wish man…you gotta do this for me

SOUTHSIDE
What if our positions were reversed….what if I were dying and told you you’d HAVE to vote for a black president someday if the right guy came along?

CHARGER
I…..I don’t know….

SOUTHSIDE
What if I was dyin’ cause I took a bullet to save you?

CHARGER
Yeah..I’d do it for you…without thinking…you’re my best friend…I’d owe you my life

SOUTHSIDE
So IF you owed me your life, you’d vote for a black president someday?

CHARGER
If I owed you my life, I’d do anything to repay that debt.

SOUTHSIDE
Then you, my brother, are votin’ black.

CHARGER
What?

SOUTHSIDE
Man I stopped you bleedin’ five minutes ago. You’re gonna be fine.

SOUTHSIDE helps CHARGER stand up. CHARGER tests his leg, looks down and see that it isn’t bleeding.

CHARGER
Shit

SOUTHSIDE
C’mon man, let’s get you back – an evac helicopter just landed over there

SOUTHSIDE helps CHARGER limp offstage

SOUTHSIDE
What about a woman president?

CHARGER
No way…maybe a woman vice president if she was really hot.

SOUTHSIDE
Plays into that whole great white dream thing again doesn’t it?

CHARGER
(smiling)
Oh hell yeah.

BLACK OUT

17 October 2008
FSW: Bailout

I’ve been threatening to do it for a while, and whaddya know, this week I finally did it – a sketch with a musical number. I chose the theme of Bailout last week – can’t imagine why! And I’m posting late (geez lyrics take a while to write). But, since we seem to have a lot in common with the 30’s, I couldn’t help but add in my little homage to the golden age of musicals.

Nothing yet from Michael or Richard – Michael may be taking a break (and he will be sorely missed), but I’ll update as combatants report to the field. Honors for theme-picking go to Richard next week…let’s see, we’ve had Apocalpse and Bailout….I bet he picks something like puppies

UPDATED: After being away from the wonder-box Friday night and Saturday, I returned this morning to a great sketch from Richard, and a surprise entry from Michael (woooohoooo!!!). Richard gave us a taste of old Broadway too (I guess it isn’t a coincidence that the Golden Age of Broadway started during the great depression – finanacial chaos apparently inspires showtunes and Michael, who’s taking a break from all-things internet, guest stars on Richard’s blog with insurance to get you through the tough times.

Richard also set the theme for next week’s sketch war: Best Friends!
_________________________________________________________________

EXT. EMPRIRE STATE BUILDING OBSERVATION DECK – DAY
A few people are milling about, but there’s not a lot of traffic. MR. THOMPKINS, a tour guide \ guard is there resplendent in his perfectly pressed navy blue uniform, brass rimmed spectacles, and immaculately groomed grey mustache over a beaming smile. The elevator dings and the doors open. CHARLIE and DAISY step out into the sun. Both are in their late 20’s, clean cut, innocent, bright eyed, almost stereotypically Midwestern, and very obviously tourists. Both have an air of bittersweet sadness about them. They step out into the sunshine on the deck.

DAISY
Oh Charlie, it really is magnificent. Just like everyone says.

CHARLIE
Staggering view.

DAISY
C’mon honey bun. Let’s just pretend everything is okay for a little bit. After all, this may be the last vacation we take for a very very long time.

CHARLIE hugs DAISY

CHARLIE
You’re right, my little ray of sunshine. Say, let’s go peek over the edge and see how far we can see.

They walk over to the edge of the observation deck, looking through the large fence around it.

CHARLIE (CONT)
Wow…the city looks so peaceful from up here, as if it were filled with nothing but nice considerate people who would never think of trashing an entire free market economy just for a couple of high-priced hookers and a custom Bentley.

DAISY
Now lamb chop….

CHARLIE
I’m sorry Daisy. Just slipped out. I’ll try and look on the bright side of things. Say…do you think that’s New Jersey over there?

DAISY
I think it is Charlie. Nice, respectable, kindly New Jersey, filled with kindly, respectable people, like loan sharks and mob bosses, the kind of people who only break the knees of people who have wronged them, and then only one at a time.

DAISY starts sobbing, and CHARLIE wraps her up in his arms

CHARLIE
There there, my darling…

MR. THOMPKINS strolls over to CHARLIE and DAISY, concerned

MR. THOMPKINS
‘Scuse me folks, but I couldn’t help but notice you aren’t exactly thrilled by our view here.

CHARLIE
Sorry Mister…..

MR. THOMPKINS
Thompkins, William Thompkins, but call me Billy – all my friends do.

CHARLIE
Sorry Billy. My wife Daisy and I are just in a bit of a rough patch, with the economy being so rocky and all. We have a lot of bills…

DAISY
And some big credit card debts…

CHARLIE
And a big house back in Iowa that’s lost almost half it’s value…

DAISY
Not to mention a whole bunch of stocks that aren’t worth dick anymore.

CHARLIE
Fact is, Billy, we only came on this trip to New York because we already paid for it a while back, when times were good, and with this economy, we won’t be going anywhere more exciting than Dubuque for a long time.

DAISY
Dubuque!!!

DAISY starts crying loudly again

MR. THOMPKINS
Awwww, you poor kids. No wonder you look so down in the mouth. Come on over here and have a seat. Take a load off

He leads them to a bench by the wall around the deck. He pulls a box of animal crackers out of his pocket.

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
Animal Cracker? I keep a box in my coat ‘cause they always make life feel a little simpler…like those care free days when I was a boy.

DAISY and CHARLIE both reach in a grab a cookie out of the box. They crunch them and start to smile a little

MR. THOMPKINS
There…now that’s better, isn’t it?

DAISY and CHARLIE smile weakly and nod yes

MR. THOMPKINS
You know, me and Mrs. Thompkins went through some rough times when were about your age. Not as rough as these, but not too far off. Heck, we thought we were all set for a nice cozy retirement. Boy were we wrong. That’s why Mrs. Thompkins is on the street 4 days a week selling black tar heroin. Say, neither of you kids is a hopelessly addicted smack-head, are you? Mrs. Thompkins is looking for new business.

DAISY
Sorry Billy.

MR. THOMPKINS
Oh well, never hurts to ask. Me…well, I knew there was just one place for me, and that was right here, working security atop this grand old lady.

DAISY
Why is that Mr. Thomp…

MR. THOMPKINS shoots her a playful disapproving look

DAISY (CONT)
I mean “Billy”

MR. THOMPKINS smiles

MR. THOMPKINS
Because this is a magical place Daisy, where people come to see more than just the view – it’s a place where people see their past, their future, and see things in perspective. This is a a place where you can do things you can’t do anywhere else in the world. Let me put it this way…

The music starts and soon MR THOMPKINS is singing a nice 1930’s musical number

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
(singing)
When a panoramic view
Just serves to make you blue
And what used to make you happy makes you weep
There’s a way that I have found
To make a smile out of that frown
Just make douchebag broker take a flying leap

MR THOMPKINS starts talking again, the music plays on in the background

MR. THOMPKINS (CONT)
Here, let me show you…

MR. THOMPKINS goes over to the fence, pushes a section aside so it no longer shrouds the ledge and looks down.

MR. THOMPKINS(CONT)
Boy, I wish I knew where to invest a few million right now – if only some savvy wall street broker was around to help an old ignorant but wealthy investor with his cash.

A man, BROKER 1, in an expensive suit, dripping jewelry and carrying an expensive briefcase, come running over.

BROKER 1
Hey there….Mike Scabbers, financial genius…sorry about the tan bro, just got back from a big-wig conference in Aruba, I’d love to get you invested in ….

MR. THOMPKINS pushes a button on the wall, and the railing slides over to reveal a gap. MR. THOMPKINS nods and smiles as he leads BROKER 1 over the to gap, then pushes him through and over the edge. MR. THOMPKINS sighs with a smile, and comes back smiling, and singing again.

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly
That greedy jerk put you out of work
To grab a bigger piece of pie

Just throw a douchebag off a building
Give a smug exec the boot
Watch the smarmy rat make a big ol’ splat
Without his golden parachute

The music continues playing

MR. THOMPKINS
See kids, a lot of these deal making, super rich, money-flauntin out-of-touch, above the law, guilt-free Wall Street types – the type we New Yorkers like to call “douche bags” – like to come up here and take in the view – kind of makes them feel like the king of world I guess. So there’s always several around to do with as you please. Watch this…

(looking over the edge of the building)

Oh look – I wonder whose chauffeur just turned off the engine in that Hummer Limo to save gas?

BROKER 2 comes running over to the edge to look.

BROKER 2
Dammit – I told Lawson to keep circling until I’m ready…..

BROKER 2 looks over, and MR. THOMPKINS pushes him over the edge

MR. THOMPKINS
Ahhhhhhh…there is nothing quite like the feeling of launching a financial douchebag into thin air!

CHARLIE
But Billy, isn’t that murder?

MR. THOMPKINS
In the old days, when a financial exec caused a mess like this, they had the courtesy to jump off a building under their own steam. We’re just helping them out this time around. Want to try it?

DAISY
Gee Billy, I don’t know where to start.

MR. THOMPKINS
Well Daisy, you just need to shout out something that would make the average money-grubbing Wall Street douchebag with no conscience come a-runnin’.

DAISY
Hey! I think I’ve got just the thing Billy. Let me give it a whirl.

MR. THOMPKINS ushers DAISY over to the magic section of the wall.

DAISY
(shouting)
Boy, I sure wish I could find a man compensating for a tiny penis with a lot of cash.

BROKERS 3 and 4 flock over quickly. They look almost identical to BROKERS 1 and 2. They start hitting on DAISY with smarmy lines and telling her what they’ll buy for her. CHARLIE sneaks up behind them pushes them both over the edge. CHARLIE and DAISY look over the edge as they fall.

CHARLIE
Hey….that crowd down on the street is actually cheering!

MR. THOMPKINS
Of course they are – they’re people just like you!

DAISY
(waving at the crowd below)
You’re welcome, non-wealthy New Yorkers!!!

A cheer is heard from the street

CHARLIE
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
For trashing the Dow Jones

DAISY
(singing)
He made stupid bets on risky debts

DAISY ANDCHARLIE
(singing)
And some fucked up subprime loans

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
Introduce him to gravity

DAISY
(singing)
The greedy lout

CHARLIE
(singing)
Got a big bailout

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
For his financial depravity

CHARLIE
Hey! Let me try too!

CHARLIE goes over to the magic wall section

CHARLIE
(shouting)
Did you hear the bailout includes fraud-investigations for Wall Street executives AND closes all existing tax-loopholes for the ultra-wealthy???

A whole stream of BROKERS, looking just like the others, screams and runs for the open hole in the fence and jumps out. This goes on for a while – a long stream of well dressed lemmings. A big cheer is heard from the crowd below. MR. THOMPKINS, DAISY and CHARLIE all look at each other and laugh.

MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
They’ve created a recession
But don’t let it get you down
Just make sure the great depression
Is made by a douchebag hitting the ground

DAISY
(singing)
Throw a douchebag off a building
For messing up Wall Street

CHARLIE
(singing)
High flying execs
Caused these big train wrecks
So they deserve to eat concrete

(Key change)

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And see if he can fly

CHARLIE
(speak-singing)
Make an asshole plummet at the G7 summit

DAISY
(speak-singing)
He’ll look so super rich in his self-made ditch

MR. THOMPKINS
(speak-singing)
He won’t need net worth when he hits the turf

CHARLIE, DAISY AND MR. THOMPKINS
(singing)
Just throw a douchebag off a building
And wave those blues bye-bye!!!

They end with a big finish and the music stops

CHARLIE
Wow honey-bunch! I haven’t seen you smile that much in a year!

DAISY
I haven’t felt this good in a year, Charlie! And I know one midwestern boy who’s finally going to get lucky when we get back to the hotel!

CHARLIE
Well what are we waiting for! Let’s head back right now!

DAISY
How can we ever thank you, Billy? We may not be better off financially…

CHARLIE
But we sure do feel better screwing over the people who screwed us over!!

MR. THOMPKINS
That’s the spirit kids! Just remember, when the going gets tough, the tough find the douchebags responsible and get even with them.

DAISY AND CHARLIE
Bye Billy!!!

MR. THOMPKINS
Bye bye kids!

DAISY and CHARLIE wave and exit into the elevator. GUARD 2 walks over to MR. THOMPKINS as he waves back

GUARD 2
Do they know that Wall Street douchebags can’t really be killed?

MR. THOMPKINS
Why spoil their mood.

BLACK OUT

10 October 2008

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Sketch War

Comedy in the battle arena

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