Sketch War

Tag: writing

  • FSW: Red’s Welcome

    Apologies for being late with this one; it had to go through a little more processing than usual. It’s not as funny as some weeks, but it wasn’t written with that solely in mind. I hope you all enjoy. David’s had his up since yesterday here. It’s very funny, especially if you know someone like the protagonists or, sadly, are someone like the protagonists. Michael did not put up a sketch this week and is sitting on the sidelines with some family business. My best wishes go out to him and his family.

    For those “keeping score”, David and I played shuffleboard instead of fighting this week. He beat me when the sound of helicopters gave me a flashback.

    Red’s Welcome
    (Long queue at the Pearly Gates. At the front of the line, dapper in his tux, stands Leo “Red” Rush, a man’s man of 84 years. Hale and hearty, the tux strains against the rejuvenated body within. St. Peter sits at the desk.)

    PETER
    Red! Welcome. We’ve been waiting for you.

    RED
    Oh good! I wasn’t sure which way I was going.

    PETER
    It was never really in doubt up here.

    RED
    Long life, you know. A few, er, indiscretions and dalliances. And I might have been a little loose with my tongue a few times.

    PETER
    Well fuck, Red! Where the hell you think you are here? A tea room?

    RED
    I uh, didn’t expect you to…did I just hear you right? Did you say —

    PETER
    — fuck? Fuck yah, I did. I was a fisherman, Red. How did you think I’d talk? Like a Hallmark card? C’mon. I’ve got a break due, why don’t I show you around the place and give you the skinny. Everyone, I’m taking five. Cherubs should be by with honey roasted peanuts and fresh baked cookies in a minute. If you’re a little tired from your death, ask for a moist cloth. They’re very refreshing.

    (Peter and Red head through the gates and into heaven. It looks like a pristine German village, so clean as to appear brand new. Innumerable happy people stroll, sit at cafes, and laugh with friends.)

    RED
    Heaven looks like Bavaria?

    PETER
    Think of it as an infinitely large Epcot Center. I thought you might like a Märzen after your trip.

    (Peter puts out his hands and two tall, frosty beers appear. He hands one to Red and takes a long draught of his own.)

    RED
    You’ve got a little…there’s…St. Peter, you’ve got foam in your beard. (Peter wipes off) I’ve got to tell you, this isn’t what I was expecting. All my life…I just figured there’d be halos and harps and angels with wings.

    PETER
    We’ve got that too, but who wants to hang out with those types? You were in the war, right Red?

    RED
    Yes sir.

    PETER
    You’ll find things are a little different here. If you’d like, you can join a league and play against your old enemies. We’ve got ping pong, softball, soccer, volleyball, actually an infinite number of games. Usually the old warriors get a kick out of that.

    RED
    There are Nazis in heaven?

    PETER
    Not exactly. There are quite a few former soldiers, though. You know, now that I think about it, you might enjoy this. See that movie theater?

    (Sign on the marquee reads: “Hitler Boiling In Oil: Shows start every 15 minutes”)

    PETER (Cont)
    It’s run longer than “Cats”.

    RED
    Peter? You know what I’d really like is to look in on my family. Is there any way to do that?

    PETER
    Sure. Come over here. We’ve got these kiosks all over the place. You just type in the name of the person you want to see and they pop up on the monitor. You can even send them messages.

    RED
    I can?

    PETER
    Sure. Here’s the icon for Ethereal Messenger. You click this…no wait, you have to double click. Sorry. We just changed over from Macs to Windows. There’s a little adjustment. Damn Apple store sold us a bunch of computers and promised on a stack of bibles they’d run all our software. We installed the EM software on all these shiny new boxes and it just wouldn’t start. Boss said he’d had it with Jobs and “that whole bunch of clove-smoking, beret-wearing, shiny happy lemmings.” Called up Gates and put in the order the next morning. Good thing that guy gave all that money away or we’d be stuck running Ubuntu or something. Good luck getting support for that!

    Anyway, here we go. Who’d you like to message?

    RED
    My grandson Michael. How does this work?

    PETER
    You can just click one of these smileys and he’ll get a warm, protected feeling for a minute. Or you can type a message here and it will be delivered the next time he dreams. You want to type it?

    RED
    Yeah. Thanks, Peter.

    (Red types his message on the clunky, but fully functional computer: “You’re a good boy, Michael. I’ve always loved you. Granddad.”)

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Sketch War: Round Five

    Our hearty meals digested, our concubines put aside, we stepped up to the dohyō. Again, three of us had come to the ceremonial ground to battle for supremacy. The yobidashi brush the sand smooth where we had sat as we step up to the shikiri-sen.

    • Coyote is terrifying in his non-traditional hemp mawashi. He strikes first…
    • Michael sports a bright red and yellow mawashi and cuts a noble figure…
    • David looks as though he’s been woken from a deep slumber by a ringing phone in his pale blue mawashi…

    This week we’ve got hippies, new jobs, danger at 3am, and secrets too frightening to reveal. Come revel in our words!

  • FSW: Fight the Patriarchy

    I’m firing off an early attack in an attempt to draw First Blood. Or maybe to draw Rambo: First Blood Part 2. Should any new grapplers feel up to entering the Sumo ring of sketch war, please email a link to your submission (or its full text if you are homepageless) to sketchwar_at_dreamloom_dot_com.

    Fight the Patriarchy
    (Two hippies, Breeze and Anton, sit at a card table outside Whole Foods. Scent lines of patchouli and pot wafting from their hemp clothing and unkempt dreads are almost visible. A middle-aged man walks away from the card table with a pamphlet Breeze has handed him.)

    BREEZE
    You shouldn’t let your parents control your life.

    ANTON
    It’s not like that. I want to be an engineer.

    BREEZE
    That’s because you’ve been indoctrinated. Why else would you want to rape Mother Earth?

    ANTON
    Dude, I don’t want to rape anything. I just wanna build dams and bridges.

    BREEZE
    Dams block the natural flow of Gaia’s tears. Bridges support the war machine. Engineering was invented by white men so they could fight wars and enslave women and minorities.

    ANTON
    C’mon. It’s just cool to build stuff. When I was a kid, I’d play with my Legos for hours, building space stations and cities, and imagining all the people who lived and worked there. Didn’t you do that?

    BREEZE
    Plastic tools of the patriarchy! With all those round…pegs forced into innocent holes by grubby male hands!

    ANTON
    Whoa. You’ve got some serious issues.

    BREEZE
    Sorry. It’s the rape culture. It gets to me.

    There’s a tribe in the rainforest where the women are in charge. They don’t even have a word for war. They don’t have a word for yellow either, but that’s okay. They call it “color of the pus from a scorpion sting”.

    (A well-kept woman in her 40’s walks up to the table and glances at the material.)

    ANTON
    Do you want to sign our petition?

    WOMAN
    What’s it for?

    ANTON
    Um…

    BREEZE
    It’s a petition requiring all the schools in the district to use paper made from locally grown hemp. It’s biodegradable, renewable, and supports small farmers instead of evil international paper corporations.

    WOMAN
    Uh, maybe I’ll sign on my way out…

    (Woman rushes away and into the store)

    BREEZE
    Did you forget why we’re here?

    ANTON
    I just…Tuesday it was to stop Japan’s whale hunt, Thursday it was to rename MLK Boulevard to Rosa Parkway —

    BREEZE
    — MLK was a tool of the hegemony! —

    ANTON
    — and yesterday it was to require Herstory be taught in grade school. I just lost track of the day.

    BREEZE
    You know, there’s a tribe in Laos that doesn’t have calendars or clocks. We could learn a lot from them. They have a wise-woman who tells them when it’s time to reap and time to sow. She uses her menstrual cycle to determine everything. I’m thinking of spending the summer there. Or maybe on a walking tour of Nepal.

    (As Breeze has been jabbering, a 20-something dude in a pink shirt with popped collar has approached.)

    CHAD
    Bethany? What happened to your hair?

    BREEZE
    Uh, um, Chad. It’s, great to…see…um. Anton? This is Chad. He…I…we went to high school together.

    CHAD
    ‘Sup.

    So I was talking to your mom at the club yesterday. She said you weren’t going to Rome this year ’cause you just wanted to veg on the beach. You going to Cannes, or just hanging in the Hamptons?

    BREEZE
    (Embarrassed in front of Anton) The Hamptons.

    CHAD
    Coolio. Me too. Dakota and Bryce’ll be there, too.

    BREEZE
    (Failing to hide her excitement) Bryce? Oh…uh, whatever.

    CHAD
    Ai-ight. Peace out. See ya later.

    (Chad struts off.)

    BREEZE
    Don’t say a word.

    ANTON
    Bethany?

    BREEZE
    Not a word!

  • Friday Sketch War: Round Four

    The armies assembled on their respective sides of the battlefield the evening before committing their forces to the attack.

    • Unbeknownst to everyone, Michael stealthily climbed atop a tor a thousand yards distant from the battlefield. Selecting an arrow from his quiver, he pulled his bow taut and let it loose…
    • Hearing the arrow whistling through the air, Coyote rallied his troops…
    • Late but well provisioned, David ordered his trebuchets fire!

    This week we’ve got the One True Plan – the millennial cell phone plan, Erin Andrews at the NFL Combine, and cube dweller hijinks. Come on it, the comedy is fine!

  • Friday Sketch War

    Full Disclosure: I’ve been dealing with some family issues and haven’t had much of a chance to write this week. I wrote this sketch for a class I took a while back. Though I have made some changes to it. I hope to have something brand, spanking new for next week’s skirmish.

    Update: Richard’s arrived on the field and run the ol’ nickleback defense. Nicely done.

    (A shopping mall. Melody and Ernie enter. )

    MELODY: Just wait here, I want to see if they have any blue ones.

    (Melody exits and Simon Peter enters and approaches Ernie.)

    SIMON PETER: Buying a new cell phone?

    ERNIE: My wife is just looking at covers for hers.

    SIMON PETER: You can make the outside look as beautiful as you want, but if the inside isn’t beautiful what’s the point?

    ERNIE: Excuse me?

    SIMON PETER: Have you accepted the One True Plan as your only calling plan?

    ERNIE: We’re pretty happy with our current plan.

    SIMON PETER: Pretty happy? That doesn’t sound very convincing. Have you given much though to Eternal Minutes?

    ERNIE: Eternal minutes?

    SIMON PETER: Does your plan offer that?

    ERNIE: No plan can give you eternal minutes.

    SIMON PETER: The One True Plan can. Brother, just give me a few minutes of your time and I’ll show you the way to everlasting battery life.

    ERNIE: Well…

    SIMON PETER: Would you like to live in a world where you’re free from the burden of roaming fees?

    ERNIE: Who wouldn’t.

    SIMON PETER: Why should you be punished for making a call just because you’re outside of your calling area?

    ERNIE: Right.

    SIMON PETER: It feels good to make that call doesn’t it? We all want to do it, but we know that we’re going to pay for it later. The One True Plan says it’s all right to do it. It forgives us for our action even before we’ve done it.

    ERNIE: Wow.

    SIMON PETER: Wow, indeed, brother.

    ERNIE: So what’s the catch?

    SIMON PETER: There is no catch. The One True Plan isn’t trying to trick you. Look at the lilies of the field. Do they worry about whether their call is going to be cut off mid-sentence? No. And neither should you. All the Plan asks of you is that you pass on the good news to the world.

    ERNIE: I have to work for them?

    SIMON PETER: It isn’t work if you love it, Ernie. Besides, you’re going to be so happy with this plan you’ll want to share it with everyone. Tell them how good it feels to call knowing that the One True Plan is there for you. How once you were lost, but now are found.

    ERNIE: This all sounds a little too good to be true.

    SIMON PETER: Because it is too good to be true. We don’t deserve this plan, but it’s still here for us. Because the Plan knows we need it. This is the Alpha and Omega of calling plans. The first and last plan you’ll ever need.

    ERNIE: Well…

    (It becomes darker as if clouds are blocking out the sun.)

    SIMON PETER: You’re a doubter. I used to be just like you. You’ve made some money, found a woman to settle down with and are looking forward to being a father.

    ERNIE: How did you know we’re going to have a baby?

    (We hear thunder and see a flash of lightning.)

    SIMON PETER: But in a moment it could all change and you’ll be working at the Shoe Barn wondering why your wife left you and why your child looks like the fellow who delivers your Chinese food.

    ERNIE: Ty Ping?

    SIMON PETER: I know. I‘ve been there. But the One True Plan saved me. Ernie, it wants to save you too. Do you believe?

    ERNIE: Yes.

    SIMON PETER: Do you have faith in the One True Plan?

    ERNIE: Yes!

    SIMON PETER: Praise the Plan Brother Ernie!

    ERNIE: Praise the Plan!

    (Simon Peter pulls out a contract and a pen.)

    SIMON PETER: All you have to do is sign right here and One True Plan will fill your heart with love.

    ERNIE: Glory be!

    (Melody returns. Ernie takes the pen.)

    ERNIE :Oh honey, I’m so glad you’re here. (He hugs her) My eyes have been opened to the coming of the Plan.

    MELODY: The what?

    SIMON PETER: Sign Brother Ernie! Sign!

    ERNIE: Sign!

    (Melody takes the contract.)

    MELODY: Sign what?

    (She reads. Then hands the contract back to Simon Peter)

    MELODY: We’re happy with our current plan.

    ERNIE: But Honey, this is the Alpha and Omega of calling plans.

    MELODY: They want us to sign a lifetime contract, Ernie. I can’t leave you alone for five minutes can I? Maybe we’re not ready for kids.

    (She starts to walk away. Ernie and Simon Peter share a meaningful look.)

    SIMON PETER: Brother Ernie.

    ERNIE: Simon Peter.

    MELODY: Let’s go!

    (Ernie hurried off after her.)

    SIMON PETER: Brother Ernie! Why have you forsaken me?!

    (A mother pushes her daughter up to the bench in a wheelchair.)

    MOTHER: You wait here and I’ll be right back.

    (The Mother exits and Simon Peter approaches the little girl and puts his hands on her head.)

    SIMON PETER: Arise and walk my child, you are possessed no more!

    (The little girl pushes herself out of her chair and falls flat on her face. Simon Peter looks around to make sure no one saw him and disappears into the crowd.)

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: 2008 NFL Combine

    (Scott Van Pelt and Mel Kiper stand in a broadcast booth at an arena. Graphics read “2008 NFL COMBINE”.)

    SCOTT
    Welcome back. I’m joined now in the booth by Mel Kiper. Mel, what are your thoughts on the first three days of competition?

    MEL
    Scott, this has been a great combine. It’s been an especially strong year for the skill positions, with quarterbacks and receivers performing particularly well. We’re still waiting on the official scores on the Wonderlic, but early reports show none of the surprises we’ve had in years past. Today we’ll be seeing defensive linemen and defensive backs and I know a lot of GMs are anxious to see how they do.

    SCOTT
    It looks like we’ve already got our first defensive back warming up down on the course now. It’s Darren McKnight out of Purdue. Mel, what can you tell us about Darren?

    (Down on the field, we see that an obstacle course has been set up. There’s a large seesaw, a series of jumps, a long line of slalom poles, a curved tunnel. A layout familiar to anyone who has ever seen dog agility trials.)

    MEL (O.S.)
    Darren’s a smaller d-back, but he’s quick and agile and can run all day. You really love watching guys like this, the way they just jump around, always excited and happy to please.

    (Darren and a middle-aged woman are at the starting line. Darren is hopping around like a Jack Russell and the woman holds out a piece of bacon for him.)

    MEL (O.S.)
    Darren’s handler is his mother and agent, Myrtle McKnight. She’s an experienced handler, having managed both of Darren’s older brothers at the combine in year’s past. Vince is a wide receiver for the Cardinals, and Trey is a punter and backup QB up in Buffalo. She knows what she’s doing out there, and as long as she can keep Darren’s attention, he’ll do great.

    (A gun sounds and Darren starts running the course. Myrtle guides him through it.)

    SCOTT (O.S.)
    He’s going great out there. Looks like a real pro, doesn’t he?

    MEL (O.S.)
    He sure does, Scott. Myrtle’s giving him just enough freedom to really fly, but still keeping him focused. Look how she’s always one step ahead of Darren so he knows where to go next.

    (Darren overshoots the entrance to the slalom poles and Myrtle has to get him back to restart them.)

    MEL (O.S.)
    Oh no! That’s a five second penalty! He’s going to have to really work hard to make up that loss.

    (Darren finishes the course and jumps into his mother’s arms and kisses her.)

    SCOTT (O.S.)
    That really was a shame, wasn’t it. Looked like he had a shot at the course record.

    MEL (O.S.)
    He sure did, Scott, but I think his time will still put him in the top three for his position.

    SCOTT (O.S.)
    Let’s go down to Erin Andrews on the field and see what the competitors have to say.

    (Sideline reporter and Internet sensation Erin Andrews stands by Myrtle and Darren. Darren jumps out of his mother’s arms and hops around, still excited from his run.)

    ERIN
    Myrtle, can you tell us what happened out there?

    (Darren gets down on all fours and starts to sniff Erin’s crotch.)

    ERIN
    Oh my! That’s a good boy. Okay! That’s enough, now. Down, big fella!

    MYRTLE
    Darren! Mind your manners, boy!

    (Darren stops sniffing and sits by Myrtle.)

    MYRTLE
    Sorry, Erin. He gets a little excited sometimes.

    (Erin, excited herself, fans herself.)

    ERIN
    That’s alright, Myrtle. He’s a cutie pie. Aren’t you, Darren? Such a good boy.

    (Back to the booth.)

    SCOTT
    Okay. We’ll come back to Erin in a bit. Up next, wide receivers jump off a pier to retrieve a stick.

    BLACKOUT

  • We Strike at Dawn!

    Is your sketch ready? You know you’ve been checking out Friday Sketch War the last couple of weeks thinking “I could do that. Hell, I could do better than that.” Well, put your pencil where your mouth is and fire off a sketch. Post a link and join the melee.

    You can find more information here.

    You can read past sketches here, here and here.

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Round Three

    On the killing floor, before the assembled masses the gladiators prepare for battle…

    Will no one join our bloody conflict? Are your livers lillied and aspects yellow? Until next time, we writhe in our own blood and entrails, waiting for the bold and the noble to join the fray.

  • FNSW: The Certificant

    (Scott Johnson sits at his desk. Ivo Princip enters the office, wearing a suit and carrying his resume. He crosses, shakes Scott’s hand, and sits opposite.)

    SCOTT
    Nice to meet you, Mr. Princip. I’m Scott. May I call you Ivo?

    IVO
    No.

    SCOTT
    O–kay…why don’t you tell me a little about yourself.

    IVO
    Did you not read my resume?

    SCOTT
    I did, but I was hoping maybe you could maybe elaborate, go into a little detail about some of your experience, tell me why you think you’d be a good fit for this position.

    IVO
    You are hiring for engineer, yes? I am engineer.

    SCOTT
    O–kay. Let’s start with a few questions, then. I see you’ve got your masters, that’s good. But you’ve only got one year of experience —

    IVO
    — I am certified.

    SCOTT
    What now?

    IVO
    I have MCSE, CNA, CNE, SCJP —

    SCOTT
    — That’s great, too. How about a couple of quick tech questions? Let me get a feel for your level. Can you explain polymorphism to me?

    IVO
    Polymorphism. No.

    SCOTT
    Nothing? Maybe you want to try talking through it, see if you can’t give me a few of its traits?

    IVO
    No.

    SCOTT
    Can you tell me why you would use an abstract class?

    IVO
    No.

    SCOTT
    Define inheritance?

    IVO
    Inheritance?
    …No.

    SCOTT
    Ivo —

    IVO
    — Mr. Princip.

    SCOTT
    Mr. Princip. It says here that you’re an expert in object oriented programming.

    IVO
    Object oriented programming. Yes. I am certified.

    SCOTT
    Can you define that for me?

    IVO
    Object oriented programming?

    SCOTT
    Please.

    IVO
    No.

    SCOTT
    Alright. Let’s step back a bit, then. I see here under this technology section you’ve also got Photoshop listed. You certainly wouldn’t be doing any of that here, but while I was working my way through college I actually worked in a graphics shop. So why don’t you tell me how you’d use an alpha channel?

    IVO
    Alpha channel?

    SCOTT
    Yes.

    IVO
    That is…there are channels…many of them…this is the first. It is first channel.

    SCOTT
    O–kay. Let’s jump back over to programming for a minute. Can you give me an example of a recursive algor —

    IVO
    — May I ask question first?

    SCOTT
    Sure.

    IVO
    Are you certified?

    SCOTT
    Me? No. I don’t have any certifications. It’s never come up. I really only have time for the occasional conference or seminar and haven’t had call to get certified.

    IVO
    Then how can you be expected to ask me question? Is like…is like student, asking teacher, no? I am certified, but you are not. It make no sense, yes?

    SCOTT
    Excuse me??

    IVO
    How can I…to explain, be clear, to you? You are member of team, yes? Maybe I speak with someone more senior. Your manager is certified?

    SCOTT
    I’m the team lead.

    IVO
    So, is team of junior engineer.

    SCOTT
    We get by. Well Ivo —

    IVO
    — Mr. Princip.

    SCOTT
    Mr. Princip. It’s been interesting meeting you. I wish you luck in your job search.

    (Ivo sits for a minute, then gets the hint and leaves.)

    BLACKOUT

    LIGHTS UP

    (Scott sits at his desk. The door opens and Steve Kramer enters.)

    SCOTT
    Boss. What’s up?

    STEVE
    Scott, you know you’ve been trying to get some help on the team, well, I’ve got it fixed. I just interviewed a rockstar of an engineer.

    SCOTT
    That’s great! Do you want me to talk to him?

    STEVE
    No need. Already hired him. Whipsmart, and has certifications out the ass. Hell of an engineer. Ivo Princip. You’ll be reporting to him starting Monday.

    BLACKOUT

  • Sketch War Recap

    Richard’s got the final numbers on today’s sketch war. It might not have been WW III, but we gave ’em hell.

    For those of you standing on the sidelines, shaking in your boots; tuck in your skirts and get in the fight.

    For those of you who battled, bled and lived to tell the tale, I tip my hat to you and say “Nice work. You are worthy adversaries whom I look forward to disemboweling next week.”