Sketch War

Tag: advertising

  • Peter’s Commentary on the “Advertising” Edition

    Okay, I’m finally catching up on some more commentary entries for Sketchwar. The week of 1/30/09, the topic was “Advertising”.

    (more…)

  • FSW: Advertising Edition Wrapup

    Well frak if that wasn’t a hell of a war this week! To all the new visitors to Sketch War, welcome again. What you saw this week was a pretty good example of what we do around here every week, with a few minor modifications. We hope you enjoyed the sketches, and if you haven’t had a chance to read them all, here’s your chance. A record six warriors entered the arena this week swinging their +2 Maces of Mirth and Slashing with +4 Swords of Silliness.

    A variety of styles and approaches were on display this week. There’s something in there for everyone. Take a look and be sure to leave comments letting the brawlers know what you thought, good or ill.

    Next week we’re going to roll our a series of sketches based on the theme: Pimp my TV. Here’s a link to the contest that inspired it.

    If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred
    and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and
    cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a
    sketch and contact us at sketchwar(nospam)@dreamloom.com.

  • Spelling Bee

    (A spelling bee. A banner stretches over the stage reading “The Rolaids Regional Spelling Bee.” Below it, several kids with numbers on their chests sit in folding chairs. One kid, SUSIE, stands at the microphone, her face clenched in concentration. An AUDITOR sits at a nearby table, waiting to hear her speak.)

    SUSIE
    May I have the company of origin?

    AUDITOR
    It comes from The Olive Garden.

    (pause)

    SUSIE
    May I hear it in a sentence?

    AUDITOR
    “The free breadsticks with my entrée were just one example of the Hospitaliano I have come to expect from The Olive Garden.”

    SUSIE
    Hospitaliano. H-O-S-P-I-T-A-L-I-A-N-O. Hospitaliano.

    (PING! A bell rings, signifying that this is the correct answer. A smattering of applause. SUSIE sits down. TIMMY approaches the microphone.)

    AUDITOR
    Your word is, “Slickery.”

    TIMMY
    May I hear it in a sentence?

    AUDITOR
    “With cold and flu season upon us, my family’s comfort is more important than ever. That is why I rely on N’ice brand throat lozenges to make my family’s throats feel Slickery.”

    BILLY
    Slickery. S-L-I-C-K-E-R-Y.

    (PING! A smattering of applause. TIMMY sits down. AMBER approaches the microphone.)

    AUDITOR
    Your word is, “Noid.”

    AMBER
    May I hear it in the form of a sentence?

    AUDITOR
    “The Noid has one nefarious desire: to make pizzas cold and unpalatable.”

    (BILL PULLMAN enters and speaks directly to us.)

    BILL PULLMAN
    Is this the kind of world you want to live in? Hello, I’m Bill Pullman. And what you see behind me is part of a future that is all too possible. With plummeting funding for our nation’s schools, and corporate interests taking over every aspect of our lives, our children may soon no skills outside of mindless consuming. And that will allow the Chinese to come over here and crack us open like a walnut.
    (He smiles.)
    W-A-L-N-U-T. Walnut.

    (BILL PAXTON enters and speaks directly to us.)

    BILL PAXTON
    A commercial telling you not to listen to commercials?
    (Looks to BILL PULLMAN.)
    Nice logic, spaz.
    (Back to us.)
    Do you want to live in a world of condescending, pedantic PSAs? Neither do I. I’m Bill Paxton, and I’m here on behalf of the Advertisers of America. Sure, you could stop paying attention to us. If you don’t mind the collapse of brand loyalty. If you don’t mind giving up your dreams of luxury and status. If you don’t mind Americans losing their standing as the best damn consumers in the world.

    (BILL PULLMAN steps forth and claps BILL PAXTON on the shoulder.)

    BILL PULLMAN
    Advertising is the Castrol motor oil that keeps the world turning. The Scharffen Berger chocolate bar we dangle in front of the donkey of industry.

    BILL PAXTON
    If we maintain the strength of our desires, we needn’t worry about the weakness of the economy.

    BILL PULLMAN
    And together, we can crack the Chinese open like a delicious Emerald walnut.
    (winks)
    E-M-E-R-A-L-D.

    (BLACKOUT. CAPTION: “Three Minutes Earlier.”)

    (Lights come back up. BILLS PULLMAN and PAXTON are gone. JOHNNY stands at the microphone on stage.)

    AUDITOR
    Your word is, “Advertising.”

    JOHNNY
    May I have a definition?

    AUDITOR
    Advertising: the action of bringing something to the attention of the public, usually through paid announcements.

    JOHNNY
    May I hear it in the form of an unwieldy, self-reflexive piece of sketch comedy?

  • FSW: Advertising Edition (Michael’s Entry)

    FADE IN:

    INT. BANK TELLER LINE – DAY

    MARK, well dressed and handsome, is standing in line waiting to cash a check. He notices GARY, dressed in drab, ill-fitting clothes, holding a sack of change. Gary looks at his watch.

    MARK

    That’s a nice watch.

    GARY

    Oh, thanks. My mom got it for me.

    MARK

    Same one Tiger Woods wears.

    GARY

    Oh yeah? I’m not really a golf watcher.

    MARK

    Who is? No, I just like the products the man pitches. He has good taste.

    GARY

    I guess I never put much thought into celebrity backed endorsements.

    MARK

    Well, you should. It used to take me hours to get dressed in the morning because all of my clothes were like yours, boring and un-endorsed. But now…

    Mark begins pointing out articles of clothing, starting with his shoes and moving up to his sunglasses. (Shoes, socks, pants, belt, shirt, jacket, sunglasses.)

    MARK

    Clooney, Gere, Depp, Pitt, Pitt, Eastwood, Dempsey. The cologne is by Federline and the boxers are Michael Jordan slash Cuba Gooding, Jr.

    GARY

    Wow.

    MARK

    Thanks. I know. You should try it.

    GARY

    I’d give my left nut for some fancy, advertised clothes.

    MALE VOICE (O.S.)

    I did.

    Everyone turns to see LANCE ARMSTRONG, dressed very fashionably, stroll into the shot.

    GARY

    Seven time Tour de France winner and Subaru pitchman, Lance Armstrong?!

    Lance speaks directly to the camera.

    LANCE

    Thanks to the generous folks at Celeb’s Threads dot com, now you can purchase celebrity endorsed items at deep, deep discounts. Look like Johnny Depp, in the pages of Vogue, without feeling like you had to pay with the family jewels.

    Lance waves his arm and there’s a bright flash and now Gary is also very stylishly attired. And in place of his sack of change, he now carries a man-bag with a small yippie dog in it.

    GARY

    Wow. Thanks Celeb’s Threads dot com!

    LANCE

    You’re welcome, Gary. Or should I say McDreamy?

    They laugh. Everyone admires what the other is wearing as the logo, a lemming wearing Hugo Boss, appears on the screen.

    ANNOUNCER

    Celeb’s Threads dot com. Celebrity fashions at trailer park prices. Because, let’s face it, we all want to look like someone else.

    FADE OUT:

  • FSW: Advertising Edition (Peter’s entry)

    Friday Sketch War
    Advertising Edition
    “The ServTech Focus Group”

    FADE IN:

    INT. MEETING ROOM – DAY

    DAVE (30s, sharply dressed) and SAM (20s, nerdy) sit at a big table.

    Behind them sits an easel with a poster covered by a sheet. Dave has a clipboard on the table in front of him.

    Around the rest of the table sit ENGINEERS with name tags, including PHIL, RONALD, and HARPER.

    A video camera next to the exit door records the proceedings.

    Dave addresses the engineers —

    DAVE

    — so I’ll show you a new slogan for Sam’s company, and we’ll talk about how you customers feel about it.

    The engineers murmur agreement.

    DAVE

    Great! So: drumroll…

    He removes the sheet, revealing a slick “ServTech” poster that reads —

    DAVE

    “Solid. Secure. Servers.”

    Dave picks up his clipboard.

    DAVE

    Now, my first question is —

    PHIL

    Wait, Dave.

    DAVE

    Yes, Phil.

    PHIL

    So this is saying that we don’t know how to properly operate a server?

    DAVE

    I’m not sure I —

    PHIL

    I see this, I think, “Oh, sysadmins are too boneheaded to fix a system on their own.”

    HARPER

    As if they’re giving us the easy, safe, kindergarten scissors.

    SAM

    People, ServTech doesn’t think —

    DAVE

    Sam? Great. Keep those opinions coming. Obviously, nobody thinks you’re stupid.

    RONALD

    Oh, so now you’re coddling us?

    HARPER

    Like children in a delicate garden.

    RONALD

    Yeah! That’s what this ‘secure’ crap is about. You think we’re all just a bunch of neurotic whack jobs?

    SAM

    It means the *servers* are —

    DAVE

    Sam. Good, just let it all —

    SAM

    They’re jumping to conclusions that are crazy!

    RONALD

    “Crazy?!”

    General distress.

    RONALD

    This ad is just ServTech’s coded little way of saying sysadmins are crazy.

    HARPER

    Like foxes afflicted with herpes.

    SAM

    People —

    DAVE

    Sam.

    SAM

    Look, if you talked to any other sysadmins, they’d tell you this is unreasonable.

    RONALD

    What’s that supposed to mean?

    PHIL

    Sam is telling us we don’t have any friends.

    RONALD

    Oh, that’s low.

    HARPER

    The slogan really means, “Solid and secure, unlike you pestilential hordes who are fated to die alone, friendless, and in some quantity of your own vomit.”

    SAM

    What?

    PHIL

    This is, without question, the most offensive slogan I have ever! had the misfortune to lay eyes upon.

    RONALD

    I ain’t putting up with this crap.

    Murmured assent.

    The engineers get up and leave.

    The last engineer slams the door behind him.

    DAVE

    That slogan is a no-go.

    SAM

    Yeah. We can’t offend our customers like that.

    DAVE

    We’ll go with the previous slogan?

    SAM

    Yeah.

    Dave removes the “Solid. Secure. Servers.” poster to reveal the ServTech poster under it, which reads —

    DAVE

    “ServTech: because other servers will go down on you, and suck really hard.”

    CANNED AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

    Sam and Dave react to this noise.

    SAM

    Where the hell did that laughter come from?

    DAVE

    I don’t know —

    Dave draws a gun.

    DAVE

    But I’m gonna find out.

    Sam produces an automatic and a wicked-looking knife.

    SAM

    Let’s go.

    Sam kicks open the door.

    They exit.

    FADE TO BLACK.

  • R.A.’s self-critique: Advertising Edition

    My advertising sketch is yet another example of an interesting premise in need of editing. I seem to be producing a lot of these lately. It’s a simple blackout, but I dragged it out by inserting the second scene in 1992. I think it’s necessary for internal narrative cohesiveness, but lessens the overall impact. Way too much time passes from setup to finish.

    Then I made matters worse because I didn’t trust the blackout.

    The second scene could probably have been a two- or three-liner, but I wanted to include the little “soften the ground” joke. It’s not a big laugh, good at best for a chuckle in retrospect after the final joke falls, and clearly unnecessary.

    Worse is the first scene. As I was writing the sketch I tried dealing with the tension between getting to the end fast and actually making the sketch *funny*. One joke sketches scare me. If the joke’s not funny enough, they’re complete failures. So I stuffed in the Don/Darren/Rock jokes, of which I hope everyone got at least two (and a gold star to anyone who got all three,) hoping to ensure at least a couple of chuckles. But of course that delays the time to blackout more, so it’s probably a net humor loss. Also, they should have hit quicker with a ba-ba-boom, boom, boom pattern. Oh yeah, and I *hated* the whole “crow kept tapping” crap but couldn’t think of a better way of implying Darren had been transformed. Ugh.

    And of course, the biggest worry is that the big joke didn’t actually land. Y’all got that Gareth’s dad wanted to “sell ice to an Eskimo”, right?

  • Advertising Edition: R.A.’s entry

    INT. OFFICE – DAY

    TITLE – Mitchell-Bell, Inc. New York 1962

    GARETH MACLAREN (early 30s, wan with thinning hair) sits opposite BARRY NEWCOMB (a late 20s go-getter with moviestar looks). Hair and suit styles are appropriate to the mid-1960s. Whenever he’s not speaking, Barry peers intently, like a detective divining motive.

    BARRY

    We’re not the first agency you approached, are we Mr. MacLaren?

    GARETH

    No. No, I’ve been all over town. Spent an hour at Sterling-Cooper while their Creative Director waxed eloquent about something or another.

    BARRY

    Draper’s very good.

    GARETH

    He certainly seemed to think so.

    (Beat)

    Took a meeting at McMann and Tate, but the copywriter never showed up. Sat in a board room with Tate while a crow kept tapping on the window like it wanted to come in and pitch. Very awkward.

    (Beat)

    I even met with Rock Hunter.

    BARRY

    He’s become quite successful.

    GARETH

    Seems to have spoiled him.

    BARRY

    Well you certainly have a sticky problem, Mr. MacLaren. But I’m not clear why you think there’s money in it.

    GARETH

    My father believed there was. He came to America with the clothes on his back and spent the rest of his life building a company by anticipating what the public wanted before they knew they wanted it. Before he died, he told me this was the one goal he never achieved.

    (Beat)

    I think I owe it to my father, for all he sacrificed and all he accomplished, to do this for him. Can you help?

    BARRY

    There’s no ad campaign we can create that can help you.

    GARETH

    So you can’t help me either.

    BARRY

    I didn’t say that, Mr. MacLaren. I’m facing facts. No one else in town came up with anything either because, forgive me, the idea is just crazy.

    GARETH

    Maybe it is. But I’ve got to try. You won’t help?

    Barry ponders a moment.

    BARRY

    You said your father knew what people wanted before they did, right?

    GARETH

    Yes.

    BARRY

    Then maybe this is an R&D problem, not an advertising problem. At least not an advertising problem for today.

    GARETH

    I see where you’re going.

    BARRY

    You see Mr. MacLaren, Mitchell-Bell is part of a much larger concern–

    INT. OFFICE – DAY

    TITLE – Mitchell-Bell, Inc. New York 1992

    Barry and Gareth are joined by MELINDA RESTON (20s and casually dressed) in his updated office. Barry looks even more dashing with silver hair. Gareth is wiry and fit with a few wisps of gray hair all that remains. The two older men wear suits.

    BARRY

    Just skip to the bottom line, Melinda. How close are we.

    MELINDA

    At least another 30 years.

    BARRY

    That can’t be! We’ve been running non-stop since ’62.

    GARETH

    Barry, that’s what my people are saying as well. I’ve just accepted that it’s a bigger problem than we realized and I may not live to see the day.

    BARRY

    Melinda, is there anything we can do?

    MELINDA

    I think so. We’ve been seeing a lot of success with the campaigns on the new Hummers. We think maybe pushing in that direction might help. We can spur the public to embrace a whole new class of what we’re calling Sport Utility Vehicles.

    BARRY

    How much will that help?

    MELINDA

    We think we can soften the ground considerably. Maybe cut the total time in half.

    BARRY

    That’ll have to do.

    INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

    TITLE – Mitchell-Bell, Inc. New York 2010

    Barry and Gareth are still plugging away. Barry’s aging like Paul Newman, Gareth like Abe Vigoda. The lights are dim and the room is filled with young men and women in casual attire. The light of a monitor flickers on everyone’s face.

    From the speakers, the recognizable CLINK, CLINK of two ice cubes being dropped in a glass followed by the fizzy sound of a carbonated beverage being poured.

    Zoom in on TELEVISION showing ad.

    INT. BAR – NIGHT

    ICE CUBES land in glass. Cola is poured into the glass.

    NARRATOR (O.S.)

    Mmm. Cool, fresh, invigorating. Nothing refreshes like MacLarens.

    The glass sits on a black velvet tabletop. Nothing is visible beyond the glass. The ice cubes glint as they bob in the sparkling amber fluid.

    NARRATOR (O.S.) (CONT’D)

    MacLarens Ice. Now available in Alaska.

    Zoom out to reveal…

    EXT. STREET – TWILIGHT

    The television is in the window of a small electronics store. The sign above reads NANOOK’S TV AND RADIO. An ESKIMO stands in front of the window watching. He wears shorts, t-shirt, and flip-flops. As the commercial ends, he turns and we see a SINGLE TEAR run down his face.

    BLACKOUT:

  • FSW: Advertising Edition (Ken’s Entry)

    Okay…I’m an idiot. Yes, I did briefly post this Friday, wondering why everyone else didn’t post yet. And then my tiny little brain went “oh yeah, this is the week we’re waiting until Monday”

    So…ummmm….sorry, and….my bad.

    Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

    What Superbowl would be complete without a car commercial, huh? So here’s my little homage to Detroit’s marketing machine, and some ideas of how they can get back on track in tough times.
    _____________________________________________

    FADE IN:

    EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – DUSK

    The sun sets over a rugged orange desert plain, scattered with scrub brush, cactus and purple rocky outcroppings. A camp of cowboys sits around a fire. One cowboy, DYLAN, square jawed handsome and rugged, crouches over a fire and pours coffee into a tin cup as he looks past the herd of cattle watching and sees distant lightning on the horizon. Acoustic guitar strums start in the soundtrack, and a male singer with a Springstein \ Mellencamp type voice and a country-rock twang starts singing.

    SINGER (V.O.)

    There’s a hard wind blowin’
    ‘Cross the world today
    Storm clouds are building
    And skies look gray

    CUT TO:

    EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – NIGHT

    It’s now raining very hard in the night – a major storm. Our cowboys are on horseback herding cattle through a torrential downpour. They are just shadows occasionally lit by lightning strikes. DYLAN makes some impressive cutting moves on his horse

    SINGER (V.O.)

    But when things get bad
    And times look rough
    Americans buckle down
    And get tough

    Another young, but handsome cowboy, CODY, looks over the side of the cliff his horse is near when a lightning strike nearby spooks his horse. The horse rears up in and CODY is thrown over the side of the cliff (all in slow motion).

    CLOSE UP ON DYLAN

    DYLAN sees CODY go over the cliff, and immediately spurs his horse over in a mad gallop(all in slow motion)

    SINGER (V.O.)

    We don’t walk away
    When we’ve got a tough fight
    We grab our neighbor’s hand
    And we push through the night

    CUT TO:

    EXT. CLIFF – NIGHT

    CODY barely hangs on to a wet rocky handhold. He struggles to hang on as he sees the huge drop below, but his gloves are giving way. Just as CODY slips completely, DYLAN’s manly hand grabs his. DYLAN grimaces in determination as he hauls CODY back up from certain death.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – NIGHT

    As they stand back up on terra firma, DYLAN and CODY walk back to CODY’s horse. CODY still looks shaken, but unflappable DYALN claps him on the back, then hands CODY the reins to the horse that just threw him. CODY climbs back up, and DYALN strides back over to his own horse. They get back to the business of herding cattle in the rain.

    CUT TO:

    EXT. TEXAS PLAINS – MORNING

    The sun starts rising over the plains in a brilliant rain-free collage of orange, red and pink. Flowers are everywhere now, in full bloom from their soaking in the night, and dripping clean raindrops on the ground. DYLAN and CODY look at each other, and confidently nod with only the vaguest hints of smiles on their lips.

    SINGER (V.O.)

    You know you’ll make it through
    No matter how far
    You’re American tough
    Now buy a fuckin’ car

    CUT TO:

    EXT. SUBURBAN FRONT LAWN – DAY

    A man, his wife, and two boys (BOTH about 8 years old), all dressed in really ugly western wear stand in front of a big black SUV. Text fades in on screen:
    CHEVY TAHOE
    IT TAKES HUGE BALLS TO DRIVE A VEHICLE NAMED AFTER A PLACE BEING WRECKED BY IT’S EMISSIONS

    SINGER (V.O.)

    We hired famous singers
    And used their big hits
    We made tons of commercials
    Showing girls with big tits

    But you bastards went out
    And bought Japanese
    You stuck us with thousands
    Of SUV’s

    CUT TO:

    EXT. HIGHSCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY

    A man in his early 50’s stands in front of super-shiny red Corvette. The man is dressed like he belongs in a boy band, but his large pot belly and wind-swept toupee give him away.
    More text fades in on screen:
    CHEVY CORVETTE
    BECAUSE NO OTHER CAR IN THE WORLD SAYS ‘RECENTLY DIVORCED, IN DENIAL, AND EASILY MANIPULATED’ THE WAY WE CAN

    SINGER (V.O.)

    (chorus)

    We lost our private jets
    Cause no one bought Corvettes
    The UAW
    Has us totally screwed
    We know we’re making trash
    But man, we need the cash
    So get American tough
    And buy our fuckin’ cars

    (bridge)

    Now we know your money’s tight
    And times have gotten lean
    But we still run this company
    Like it’s 1913

    Becoming more efficient
    Just ain’t in our plan
    We’ll just pump you full of guilt
    Until you buy American

    CUT TO:

    EXT. BEACH – DAY

    A charcoal gray Chevy Malibu sits in front of the sand, waves carrying surfers crash in the background. A guy and a girl, both in their twenties, exit the Malibu wearing bathing suits and sunglasses, and run down to the beach. Text fades in:
    CHEVY MALIBU
    YES, WE KNOW NO ONE WHO LIVES IN MALIBU WOULD EVER BE SEEN DEAD IN THIS CAR. BUT YOU PROBABLY KNOW PEOPLE WHO’D BE IMPRESSED BY JUST THE NAME, AND THINK IT MUST SOMETHING REALLY EXOTIC. JUST DON’T EVER THEM SEE YOU DRIVING IT.

    SINGER (V.O.)

    (back to verse)

    Some people want a hybrid
    Then go out and buy a Prius
    But buy an eco-friendly foreign car
    Is just like pissin’ on Jesus

    Stop worrying ‘bout tomorrow
    Life can be an endless Summer
    Just speed up global warming
    And buy a big ol’ Hummer

    CUT TO:

    EXT. WHEAT FIELD – DAY

    A blue Chevy Volt sits in front of a field of waving wheat. Text fades in on screen:
    COMING SOON – CHEVY VOLT
    STILL WON’T BE OUT FOR OVER A YEAR, AND WILL PROBABLY HAVE PROBLEMS EVEN THEN. BUT IF YOU BUY ONE OF OUR CARS NOW, YOU CAN ACT SMUG LATER ON BECAUSE YOU BOUGHT FROM A COMPANY THAT MAKES GREEN CARS (IF THIS THING EVER DOES GET TO MARKET)

    SINGER (V.O.)

    (back to chorus)

    We lost our private jets
    Cause no one bought Corvettes
    The UAW
    Has us totally screwed
    We know we’re making trash
    But man, we need the cash
    So get American tough
    And buy our fuckin’ cars

    Please buy our fuckin’ cars

    (this keeps repeating through the end, fading out a little each time)

    The screen fades into closeup of a waving American flag, then the Chevrolet logo fades up.
    Titles fade up on the screen over the logo:
    CHEVROLET
    ALL AMERICAN
    AND IF YOU DON’T BUY A CAR FROM US YOU’RE A GOD-HATING TERRORIST FAGGOT DOUCHEBAG…AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW IT

    FADE TO BLACK.

  • Advertising: David’s Entry – Lie to Me Baby

    INT. Conference Room Day
    Jerry Kline, (Balding, middle aged with thick glasses) stands at the end of a long table. Lined up at the table are a group of advertising gurus with briefcases open, laptops and Blackberries lit up and sharpened pencils at the ready.Kline turns to the white board behind him.
    KLINE
    The key, ladies and gentlemen, is money. More to the point…
    He draws a stick figure with a quick almost violent motion and then jabs the marker at the board where the hip pocket should be.
    KLINE (CONT’D)
    Their money. We need it. They probably need it too, but who cares? How do we get it.
    MARTINA (thin, waspish with cat’s eye shaped glasses) raises a pen in the air.
    MARTINA
    Lie?
    KLINE
    Exactly. That is why we are here. We are living the lie. We are living BY the lie. We are lying to ourselves about what we do so we can justify the lie. So…feed my addiction. Give me some lies.
    BART, (short, stout, late twenties w/freckles) stands up.
    BART
    I have an idea I’d like to share.
    KLINE
    I didn’t ask for ideas.
    BART
    How about if I lie and tell you it’s another lie – then present the idea?
    KLINE
    Interesting.
    BART
    I’d be lying if said I didn’t think so.
    MARTINA
    Just tell us what you’ve got, Barty, we don’t have all day.
    BART
    (winks at Martina)
    I think we should go a new direction with the company logo.
    MARTINA
    The logo?
    KLINE
    I hope you’re lying.
    Laughter ripples up and down the table. Bart ignores them.
    BART
    What is the one thing our clients expect of us?
    KLINE
    Lies.
    BART
    Exactly. But lately, some of that has come back to bite us in the ass. Like the time machine.
    Kevin, a thin ferret-faced man in his mid forties glances up and cuts in.
    KEVIN
    Hey! We sold truckloads of time machines. The client couldn’t be happier.
    BART
    There were a FEW issues with customers…we did tell them it was a time traveling device.
    KLINE
    It tells time.
    MARTINA
    It didn’t travel…
    KLINE
    But you can travel WITH it…and hey, how about that commercial where you go to sleep, and it’s one time – when you wake up? The future?
    BART
    In any case, we’ve gotten ourselves an unfortunate reputation…it’s hurting business.
    KEVIN
    But…if they know we are lying, what’s the problem? We lie too well?
    BART
    It’s the negative connotation … the semantics. Here is what I propose.
    Bart unfolds a cardboard stand and flips a sheet of paper over, turning it so all can see. Emblazoned across the page is the face of a cartoonish albino lion.
    KEVIN
    I don’t get it.
    MARTINA
    I do! It’s a White Lion.
    KLINE
    We have to shrink it.
    BART
    Exactly.
    He flipped the page again, and the same image stared at them. This time there was text. The logo read.
    “Little White Lion”
    KLINE
    I like the honesty…