Friday Sketch War
Advertising Edition
“The ServTech Focus Group”
FADE IN:
INT. MEETING ROOM – DAY
DAVE (30s, sharply dressed) and SAM (20s, nerdy) sit at a big table.
Behind them sits an easel with a poster covered by a sheet. Dave has a clipboard on the table in front of him.
Around the rest of the table sit ENGINEERS with name tags, including PHIL, RONALD, and HARPER.
A video camera next to the exit door records the proceedings.
Dave addresses the engineers —
DAVE
— so I’ll show you a new slogan for Sam’s company, and we’ll talk about how you customers feel about it.
The engineers murmur agreement.
DAVE
Great! So: drumroll…
He removes the sheet, revealing a slick “ServTech” poster that reads —
DAVE
“Solid. Secure. Servers.”
Dave picks up his clipboard.
DAVE
Now, my first question is —
PHIL
Wait, Dave.
DAVE
Yes, Phil.
PHIL
So this is saying that we don’t know how to properly operate a server?
DAVE
I’m not sure I —
PHIL
I see this, I think, “Oh, sysadmins are too boneheaded to fix a system on their own.”
HARPER
As if they’re giving us the easy, safe, kindergarten scissors.
SAM
People, ServTech doesn’t think —
DAVE
Sam? Great. Keep those opinions coming. Obviously, nobody thinks you’re stupid.
RONALD
Oh, so now you’re coddling us?
HARPER
Like children in a delicate garden.
RONALD
Yeah! That’s what this ‘secure’ crap is about. You think we’re all just a bunch of neurotic whack jobs?
SAM
It means the *servers* are —
DAVE
Sam. Good, just let it all —
SAM
They’re jumping to conclusions that are crazy!
RONALD
“Crazy?!”
General distress.
RONALD
This ad is just ServTech’s coded little way of saying sysadmins are crazy.
HARPER
Like foxes afflicted with herpes.
SAM
People —
DAVE
Sam.
SAM
Look, if you talked to any other sysadmins, they’d tell you this is unreasonable.
RONALD
What’s that supposed to mean?
PHIL
Sam is telling us we don’t have any friends.
RONALD
Oh, that’s low.
HARPER
The slogan really means, “Solid and secure, unlike you pestilential hordes who are fated to die alone, friendless, and in some quantity of your own vomit.”
SAM
What?
PHIL
This is, without question, the most offensive slogan I have ever! had the misfortune to lay eyes upon.
RONALD
I ain’t putting up with this crap.
Murmured assent.
The engineers get up and leave.
The last engineer slams the door behind him.
DAVE
That slogan is a no-go.
SAM
Yeah. We can’t offend our customers like that.
DAVE
We’ll go with the previous slogan?
SAM
Yeah.
Dave removes the “Solid. Secure. Servers.” poster to reveal the ServTech poster under it, which reads —
DAVE
“ServTech: because other servers will go down on you, and suck really hard.”
CANNED AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
Sam and Dave react to this noise.
SAM
Where the hell did that laughter come from?
DAVE
I don’t know —
Dave draws a gun.
DAVE
But I’m gonna find out.
Sam produces an automatic and a wicked-looking knife.
SAM
Let’s go.
Sam kicks open the door.
They exit.
FADE TO BLACK.