Tag: first date

  • Peter’s Commentary on the ‘First Dates’ Edition

    This past week, the Friday Sketch War topic was “First Dates”.

    We had three sketches this time around:  mine, Mr. Porter’s, and Mr. Robertson’s.

    All in all, I’m happy with how my sketch came out.

    Like the previous week, I was trying to move away from traditional scene-y sketches, and trade off plot for funny. I’d just seen SNL’s “Extreme Challenge” digital short, which is a complete “list sketch”, and I figured I’d try something like that. Or rather, I came up with a bunch of scene-y things I could do with the topic, hated all of them, and went with the “list of bad dates” idea that could let my imagination run amok.

    It felt kind of like a cop-out, since coming up with a list of jokes is easier than constructing a plot, and because I’d done this structure before. (And so have lots of people.) But I just kept scribbling down ideas that made me laugh, and laughter trumps everything.

    I was happy with how I structured the piece. I started out sensible and normal. I probably should have pushed 5 and 5b to position 3, but I think the general shape still works. And what I like is that by around 6 or 7, the audience honestly doesn’t think it could get further out there. Once you’ve played the ‘death’ and ‘ninja’ cards, you’re done, right? So I think what works here is hitting that ‘this can’t get any crazier’ point halfway through the sketch, and shooting straight past it to things the audience wouldn’t expect.

    Similarly-and-on-a-smaller-scale, I was happy when individual bits went further than the setup would imply they could go. For instance, there are two parts of the ‘chicken’ bit — you think it’s just an absurd bit, but no, there’s an additional joke about Wendy possibly eating Neil.

    (Side note: I’m amused with how geeky this came out. It’s probably the result of working on this post at the same time.)

    Other things in the sketch worked less well. The paddle-ball was a pretty weak runner, appearing only twice and not being particularly funny. I’m not sure #3 (the cop bit) quite reads. I knew I wanted “You didn’t make it clear that it *was* a date” as one of the items, but it was damned difficult for me to express that situation in a silent scene.

    Also, the sketch’s ending is a bit anticlimactic. Writing the end of a comedy sketch is always brutal, because sketches aren’t really about stories, they’re about jokes. Stories end; a series of jokes just stops. But if you’re writing sketch comedy that isn’t scene-based, then you’re even more screwed, ‘cos there’s no story at *all* — you either have to come up with a joke so hilarious that nothing can follow it, pull off a joke that reincorporates lots of earlier material, or tweak the premise in some cutesy way.

    I opted for the third route, with middling success.

    Anyway, hopefully I’ll do something more scene-like next time, although the topic (“3:34am”) looks to be a challenging one.

    So let’s see here — Mr. Robertson’s sketch is called “Honesty”, and shows us a met-on-the-Internet first date where the honesty gets crazily out of hand, covering pretty much every lie everybody ever put on a match.com profile.

    Mr. Porter’s sketch is about “the *first* date”, as in the Garden of Eden. This one didn’t really do much for me, and I’m not sure how I’d try to fix it.

    My only guess is that I’d try to ‘turn up the volume’ on everything: make Adam even *more* of a wide-eyed rube, make Lilith even *more* of a femme fatale — but also make the things Lilith ask for even more outré, and make Adam even more offended (or nonplussed) by them. And maybe focus on making Adam trying even harder to please Lilith — the internal conflict where Adam is diametrically opposed to everything Lilith stands for, but he still desperately wants to make her happy, could be funny if it played out for a bit.

    I think the ending works, though. Divine intervention seems like the logical conclusion for this piece. And even if the audience doesn’t get that it’s Lilith being replaced by Eve, the general idea comes across, I think.

    Anyway, next week is the topic “3:34am”. We’ll see what folks can come up with for that.

  • Ken’s Entry: First Date – Honesty

    INT RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    JACK a man in his early 30’s, sits alone at table wearing a business suit with a cocktail in front of him. He checks his breath, checks his appearance in the back of a spoon of any other convenient shiny object, and all manner of things someone waiting to make a good impression would do.

    JILL, also in her early 30’s wearing a nice blouse and skirt, walks in and likewise checks her appearance. She looks around, sees JACK and walks over to him.

    JILL

    Jack?

    JACK

    Jill?

    JILL

    I thought that was…probably you.

    JACK

    Yeah, I don’t look a thing like my Match.com photo. I Photoshopped the hell out of it.

    JILL

    No worries! I’m 12 years older and 43 pounds heavier than mine!

    Both of them chuckle.

    JACK

    Have a seat. I’d stand up to get your chair, but the table is hiding the beer gut I said was a six-pack.

    JILL sits down.

    JACK

    So, will you be eating anything other than a salad tonight?

    JILL

    Not in front of you. I’m binge-ing later at home.

    JACK

    I was afraid you’d order something expensive, which I’d have to pay for in hopes I’d be repaid with sex. But I’d just end up resenting you after I ejaculate.

    JILL

    You’re not really a CEO rock guitarist stockbroker who writes poetry while rescuing puppies and infants are you?

    JACK

    Floor sales at Cell Phone Circus.

    JILL

    I’m not really an independently wealthy NFL cheerleader-slash-microbrewery heiress with porn star training.

    JACK

    I’m male – I had to take the risk just in case.

    JILL

    I don’t really skydive.

    JACK

    I don’t really like art museums.

    JILL

    I was never in a sorority.

    JACK

    I haven’t been in one since the restraining order.

    JILL

    I only watch Julia Roberts movies.

    JACK

    I only watch Adam Sandler movies.

    JILL

    I don’t have an apartment downtown.

    JACK

    I don’t have a penthouse.

    JILL

    I still live with my parents.

    JACK

    I have to break back into the ward before the 9:30 bed-check.

    JILL

    I’m not really a NASCAR fan.

    JACK

    I am.

    JILL

    I only wear granny-panties.

    JACK

    I only wear Depends.

    JILL

    My boobs aren’t real.

    JACK

    Neither is my hair.

    JILL

    (grabbing her breasts)

    This is just padding. My real boobs are really tiny.

    JACK says nothing , but glances at his crotch subtly.

    JILL

    But my butt is totally real.

    JACK

    So is my halitosis.

    JILL

    I’m here seeking self-esteem through the approval of others.

    JACK

    I’m hoping to get laid this year. I’ve only had one sexual partner.

    JILL

    I’ve only had one partner…while sober.

    JACK motions to an invisible waiter

    JACK

    (to waiter)

    Three Jack and cokes for the lady.

    JILL

    I get clingy and desperate in relationships.

    JACK

    We so much in common.

    JILL

    This is going so much better than most of my dates.

    JACK

    This honesty is turning me on.

    JILL

    It’s making me hot too.

    JACK

    Does that mean I’m going to get lucky?

    JILL

    Buy me the lobster and we’ll talk.

    BLACK OUT

  • Sketch War, "First Dates" Edition, Peter’s Entry

    Friday Sketch War
    First-Dates Edition
    “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong”

    FADE IN:

    TITLE GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong”.

    CHEERY BOSSA NOVA MUSIC plays throughout. This is the only audio.

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #1”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    NEIL and WENDY, dressed nicely, sit opposite each other at a table in an elegant restaurant.

    They both look bored.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#1: Complete lack of chemistry.”

    Neil pulls out a paddle-ball and starts playing with it just before we CUT TO:

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #2”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Wendy sits at the table as before.

    Neil? Nowhere to be seen.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#2: Mis-reading 8:30pm as 6:30pm.”

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #3”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Wendy sits alone at the table. A cell phone sits on the table beside her. A SIREN flashes somewhere offscreen.

    Neil enters DRESSED AS A COP.

    He sizes up the location, a bit perplexed. He says something into his radio.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#3: You didn’t make it clear that it *was* a date.”

    Neil sees Wendy.

    Wendy waves at Neil coyly.

    Neil looks confused.

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #4”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Neil and Wendy sit at the table.

    Neil wears the traditional garb of Hasidic Judaism.

    Wendy wears a Nazi uniform.

    They both look awkward and uncomfortable.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#4: Insurmountable cultural differences.”

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #5”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Neil sits at the table, bored to the point of nodding off.

    Wendy talks at him excitedly.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#5: You can’t stop talking about the Second Punic War.”

    Wendy pulls out a large map as a visual aid.

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #5b”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Exact same scene as before.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#5b: He refuses to listen to your brilliant commentary about the Second Punic War.”

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #6”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Wendy and Neil sit at the table. They both have plates of food. Neil’s head is face-down on the table. He ain’t moving.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#6: Death.”

    Wendy slowly, furtively steals a bit of food from Neil’s plate.

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #7”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Neil and Wendy have a perfectly nice time. Nothing going wrong at all.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#7: Attacked by ninjas.”

    NINJAS emerge from the shadows and carry them both off.

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #8”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Neil and Wendy have another perfectly nice time.

    A WAITER comes by and greets Neil.

    Suddenly, Wendy pulls out a GUN, points it at Neil, and starts yelling at him.

    Some COPS enter behind Wendy and do the same.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#8: It’s actually an elaborate sting operation.”

    Neil jumps up, sweeps away half the stuff off the table, and grabs his fork and knife.

    Neil gets behind the waiter and holds the knife to the waiter’s neck. He brandishes the fork at Wendy & Co.

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #9”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Neil and Wendy enjoy a quiet moment.

    A salt shaker sits on the table.

    Wendy gestures at the salt shaker.

    It levitates about a foot off the table.

    Neil looks at Wendy with alarm.

    Wendy gestures the salt shaker back down.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#9: You accidentally reveal your scary telekinetic powers.”

    An awkward moment.

    Wendy pulls out a paddle-ball and tries to distract Neil by playing with it.

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #10”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Neil and Wendy are having a pleasant time again.

    There is a flash of light, and a puff of smoke emanates from offscreen.

    OLDER WENDY enters and all but drags a reluctant Wendy away.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#10: Later in life, you invent time travel.”

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #11”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Neil and Wendy chat.

    Neil disappears in a puff of smoke.

    In his place is a live chicken.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#11: One of you turns into a chicken.”

    Wendy, all-but-entranced and nearly-drooling, picks up her knife and fork.

    ADDITIONAL SUBTITLE: “… a juicy, delicious chicken.”

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #12”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Neil and Wendy chat pleasantly.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#12: Sudden, explosive bleeding from the eyes.”

    They continue to chat pleasantly.

    ADDITIONAL SUBTITLE: “(not shown)”

    FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #13”.

    INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

    Neil and Wendy have a wonderful time.

    A SUBTITLE appears: “#13: The date is fictional.”

    The DIRECTOR wanders into the shot and talks to Neil and Wendy.

    ZOOM OUT to include the rest of the set.

    A CAMERAMAN wanders in front of the camera, reaches around to turn it off, and we —

    BLACK OUT.

  • The First Date

    EXT. GARDEN – DAY

    Lush, jungle-like. Three tree stumps conveniently positioned as table and chairs. ADAM, grinning like a rube, and LILITH sit naked across from each other, hair and branches strategically concealing naughty bits. The brunette smolders and looks slinky even while seated.

    ADAM

    …and I call those goats.

    LILITH

    They stink.

    ADAM

    Yeah, I hadn’t noticed. The bigger ones, with the long hair, I call those yaks. Except those other ones over there? Those are gnus.

    Lilith glances where Adam points, then looks around anxiously.

    LILITH

    Where the hell’s the waiter?

    ADAM

    Waiter?

    LILITH

    Or waitress, whatever. To take our order? I’d kill for a drink.

    ADAM

    Oh, let me get you some pomegranate juice. I named that, too. And the strawberry, and the boysenberry…

    Adam’s voice trails off as he exits, still strategically obscured. Lilith sighs. As Adam comes back in view we hear him continue…

    ADAM (CONT’D)

    …and the huckleberry, and the chokeberry, and the–

    LILITH

    –You named all the berries, too. That’s great. So Adam, what else do you do? Besides naming.

    Adam hands Lilith a hollowed gourd and she drains it. She curls her lip and stares at the cup.

    ADAM

    I tend the fields and I tend the flocks and I–

    LILITH

    –Yeah. Hey sweetie? You got anything back there with a bit more kick?

    ADAM

    Kick?

    LILITH

    You know, something fermented?

    ADAM

    Nope. Just juice. You want some lingonberry juice?

    LILITH

    (sighing)

    No, I’m fine. Maybe something to eat?

    ADAM

    We’ve got barley porridge. I can top it with blueberries if you like. Or blackberries–

    A lamb, barely old enough to walk, stumbles up to the table.

    LILITH

    –What’s that?

    ADAM

    That’s a lamb. It’s a baby sheep. I also named sheep.

    LILITH

    That sounds good.

    ADAM

    The name pleases you?

    LILITH

    No, a lamb chop sounds good. Rare.

    ADAM

    You want me to make a sacrifice for God?

    LILITH

    No, I want you to make mint jelly for me.

    ADAM

    I don’t know how I feel–

    LILITH

    –Look, Adam. You’re a nice guy. Really. But you’re obviously busy with the…naming and the tending. I’m just not sure I feel a real connection.

    ADAM

    What about my rib?

    LILITH

    What about it?

    ADAM

    “And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.” That’s me. I’m the man. You’re bone of my bones and everything.

    LILITH

    (sotto voce)

    That’s the only bone around here from what I can see.

    ADAM

    What?

    LILITH

    Look, I appreciate all that, but it’s not enough. There’s just no spark. I’d love it if we could be friends, though.

    Adam looks heavenward and shrugs. Lightning flashes, thunder claps, and when he looks back down he’s sitting across from EVE: blond, fair, and grinning like her mate.

    EVE

    (vapidly)

    What do you call that animal, Adam?

    BLACKOUT: