Sketch War

Tag: fry and spiner

  • Fry and Spiner Wrapup

    fry_spiner

    Another good week for us here. Six men entered and brought forth six great sketches designed to star Stephen Fry and Brent Spiner. Why? Because the thespians had Twitter all aflurry last week as they discussed the possibility of working together. We thought we’d toss our ideas out for the fun of it.

    Oh, and we launched at our new home! Let us know what you think.

    Next week your six brave warriors will be back with sketches on the prompt social networking. And there are rumors we might have some a couple new warriors of a more Amazonian nature. So be sure to bookmark, subscribe, and tell all your friends.

    And remember, if you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a sketch and contact us at sketchwar(nospam)@sketchwar.org.

  • Grosvenor Square

    Sketch War
    A Bit of Fry and Spiner Edition
    “Grosvenor Square”

    (more…)

  • An Old Fashioned

    Perhaps I took this one a bit too literally.

    Lights up on a traditional, proscenium stage. The velvet, red curtains part to reveal a door. Reginald Jeeves (a proper British butler) arrives at the door at the same moment as Lt. Commander Data (a very formal android). Jeeves tips his hat and extends his hand toward the door.

    JEEVES

    After you, sir.

    DATA

    I’m afraid I could not allow that. It would be...rude.

    JEEVES

    Please, sir, I insist.

    DATA

    I am programmed with the finest manners.

    JEEVES

    As am I, sir. Please. After you.

    DATA

    After you.

    JEEVES

    After you.

    DATA

    I must insist, sir, that you enter the door first.

    JEEVES

    I’m afraid that won’t be happening.

    DATA

    Then we are at an impasse.

    JEEVES

    It appears –

    A Klingon warrior leaps onto the stage and cuts Data’s head off with a Batleth then runs off.

    JEEVES

    It’s certainly not worth losing your head over.

    Jeeves mugs to the audience as a loud rim-shot is heard. SILENCE.

    JEEVES

    (Under his breath)

    We’re not at ComicCon anymore, Toto.

    The curtain falls and the lights go out.

  • The Modernistic

    (Ridgeview: a small college town in central Illinois, nestled amidst the prairies and the cornfields.)

    (Exterior shot of the Ridgeview bus station. Summer, early evening. We hear the tinny sound of a telephone ringing, as heard through a receiver. Dissolve to the bus station’s interior. Camera pans across a line of payphones and comes to rest on one that is missing its receiver. Camera follows the cord down and finds HARRY DOWNING curled up on the floor beneath the payphone, the receiver cradled against his cheek. He is clutching a carry-on bag.)

    (more…)

  • Fry and Spiner: RA’s entry

    The Mates Running the Asylum

    I’ve written this one as the first scene for a pilot. It’s not as boom-boom-boom funny as many sketches, but I think it works as a teaser for something more with a few chuckles as well. Let me know what you think.

    (more…)

  • FSW: Spiner and Fry Edition (Ken’s Entry)

    David mentioned that this was a unique challenge, and I definitely agree. Not only were we trying to write for established actors with fairly distinctive styles, but hopefully to create something that could be expanded into a television show.

    Gulp!

    In some ways, this felt more about writing the world’s shortest pilot than a sketch.

    I’m sure I’ll be kicking more ideas around over the week, because I’d love to come up with stuff that feels a little more modern (along the lines of “The Office”, “Extras” or “30 Rock”), but here’s my first wild stab:
    _______________________________________________________________

    INT. BRITISH PUB – NIGHT

    ELTON, a stout British man in his mid-fifties sits alone at a quiet table amidst a smattering of other quiet patrons. He wears a tweed jacket with elbow patches an a tartan bowtie. He occasionally sips a beer while reading a classic-looking book through wire-rimmed round glasses. The barkeep dries glasses behind the bar.
    Offstage the door to the pub opens. ELTON looks up as GENE speaks to an unseen crowd in an American accent.

    GENE (O.S.)

    OH YEAH!!! OXFORD LOVES THE GENE-MACHINE BABY!!! AND THE GENE-MACHINE LOVES YOU RIGHT BACK!!! GOOD NIGHT OXFORD!!! STAY CLASSICAL YOU HORNY BASTARDS!!!

    ELTON shakes his head and buries his nose back in his book. The door closes, and GENE enters. He is a lanky-sort in his late fifties, with flowing gray hair and the bearing of a bad-boy rock star. He wears a emerald velvet jacket collar turned up, and gold silk scarf. GENE walks over ELTON’s table, spins on his heels, pulls the spare chair out, straddles and sits across from ELTON, staring at him. ELTON ignores GENE for a moment, then speaks.

    ELTON

    I take it your lecture was well received?

    GENE

    Un-be-freaking-lieveable!

    ELTON

    Oh good, another spontaneously invented word.

    GENE

    Mind blowing Elton. I had no idea I was this good.

    ELTON

    You rarely miss noticing amazing things about yourself.

    GENE

    The whole room just wanted me…badly.

    ELTON

    Shakespearean dissertations have that affect on people.

    GENE

    I could see people wiggling in their seats!

    ELTON

    Sexual desire and rapt boredom look so similar.

    GENE

    Yeah…that confused me at first. But by the end…huh? How do you explain that?

    ELTON

    Sadly, I missed the ending. I left somewhere between the 60 foot laser animation of Romeo and Juliet freak dancing and your third failed attempt to stage dive.

    GENE

    I can’t believe you missed the end! It was epic. So I’m wrapping up with my thoughts on “To be or not to be”, right? But, like, not many people know that speech, right?

    ELTON

    Only ninety-eight or ninety-nine percent of Oxford students could recite it from memory.

    GENE

    Right! So I want to make sure it sticks with people, because it’s a pretty good speech to know. So I have this stripper pole lowered from the ceiling, and I start doing the speech, ripping off clothes as I do, dancing around the pole like Hamlet is dancing around his destiny.

    ELTON

    That metaphor is now dead to me.

    GENE

    I get near the end of the speech, and I’m down to just my pants. I climb up the pole and do one of those lean backwards, upside down things, facing the audience, legs clinched around the top, and I rip the pants off. I say the last line with a ruff collar around each thigh and Shakespeare’s head covering my boys. The crowd’s response was…

    ELTON

    Uncontrollable vomiting?

    GENE

    Total stunned silence.

    ELTON

    My second guess.

    GENE

    They were so overwhelmed they couldn’t make a sound.

    ELTON

    You sure they weren’t keeping their jaws clamped shut vis a vis the aforementioned vomiting?

    GENE

    Jaws were dropped open all over that auditorium.

    ELTON

    >Not surprising.

    GENE

    And you…head of the English department. You missed it.

    ELTON

    Yes…What was I thinking?

    GENE rips the book from ELTON’s hands.

    GENE

    Bleak House? You left MY lecture to sit in a pub and read Bleak House?

    ELTON

    Careful…that’s a rare edition.

    GENE

    Oooohhhh…better rush home and read Bleak House one more time. Dickens will release that sequel any day now.

    ELTON takes his book back from GENE

    ELTON

    (shouting)

    Well at least I’m versed in the Goddamn material I teach!!!

    The whole room goes deathly quiet. ELTON looks around slightly embarrassed, then start speaking to GENE again in a more hushed tone.

    ELTON

    Look, may I speak frankly?

    GENE

    You’re British, I doubt it.

    ELTON

    The Oxford trustees forced me to invite you to be a guest instructor. One of them read an article in People about you…

    GENE

    I opened for Britney Spears at Yale.

    ELTON

    They thought you had a new voice, some new insight into Shakespearean literature.

    GENE

    I was put on this Earth to make Shakespeare sexy.

    ELTON

    You’re making it repulsive! You’re an arrogant self-absorbed moron who has no insight into the works of William Shakespeare whatsoever, and you hide your astounding stupidity beneath stale rock concert effects and strip-club vulgarity!

    GENE

    You’re just jealous of my obvious sex appeal.

    ELTON

    There is nothing appealing about a man nearing sixty hanging upside down from a stripper pole in a thong!

    GENE

    And ruff collars.

    ELTON

    Doesn’t improve the overall visual. Now, if this is all you have to offer Oxford, I’m afraid we will have to terminate your stay immediately.

    MARJORIE, an attractive woman in her forties walks over. She is also British, and dressed very conservatively.

    MARJORIE

    Good evening Doctor Lonsberry.

    EL
    TON immediately stands up, all smiles and nerves.

    ELTON

    Oh, Good Evening Professor Elsbeth. I had no idea you frequented this pub.

    MARJORIE

    I come here every night. In fact, I’ve seen you in here several times since I told you I loved coming here and reading Dickens.

    ELTON

    Oh…yes….so you have…and so you did…ah, my mind is such a sieve sometimes Marjorie…ha ha…may I call you Marjorie?

    MARJORIE

    Am I interrupting something?

    ELTON

    Not at all…Professor Douglas and I were just discussing his lecture tonight.

    MARJORIE

    Yes…I saw that…performance. I sat there all the way to the bitter end.

    ELTON

    Look Marjorie, if I’d had any idea how his presentation would go, believe me I would’ve…

    MARJORIE approaches GENE with an intense glare in her eyes.

    MARJORIE

    Professor Douglas. I refuse to let you leave this pub until you…

    Marjorie rips open her blouse

    MARJORIE (CONT)

    …sign my cleavage.

    GENE stands up, pulls a Sharpie out of his jacket, and signs MARJORIE’s chest

    MARJORIE (CONT)

    Now put Shakespeare’s signature right underneath.

    GENE does

    MARJORIE

    Dear God man, where have you been hiding? Hamlet has never gotten me so hot. I had to have 3 cigarettes after your lecture. I must run to the lavatory, but when I return, I want to see how much of a Rogue and Peasant slave you are, you naughty man.

    MARJORIE kisses GENE hard then walks off, flirting with him the whole way. ELTON just watches, stunned. GENE sits down, looking smug.

    ELTON

    Ummm….soo.

    GENE

    Yes?

    ELTON

    I’ve got a Dickens seminar next month. How would you attach mutton chops and a stovepipe hat so that wouldn’t fall off when upside down?

    BLACK OUT

  • Brent Spiner & Stephen Fry : David’s Entry – CURTAIN CALL

    This was a weird assignment, to be sure. The parts of PRINE and BRODY are written with the actors Brent Spiner and Stephen Fry in mind…which was kind of fun. I had some fun with it…hopefully you’ll agree that I managed something, at least, a bit funny…

    INT – THEATRE – EVENING

    BRODY GILCREST, portly, middle aged Brit with dark hair, sits at a wooden table backstage, sipping tea. Across from him, partially in shadows, THOMAS PRINE fiddles with something O.S.

    BRODY

    Isn’t that thing about ready, Thomas. My tea is cold, my patience is shot, and curtain call is in less than an hour.

    PRINE sticks his head out of the shadows. He’s grinning broadly and his eyes sparkle.

    PRINE

    We’ll be ready, and it’s going to be spectacular – like the old days.

    BRODY

    Those days, I’m afraid, are far behind us. The turning over of new leaves often reveals nothing more than damp earth.

    PRINE

    You should try smiling. You used to smile quite a lot, as I recall.

    BRODY harumphs and drains the last of his now tepid tea.

    BRODY

    So, Thomas, this … thing … of yours. You say it will bring down the house? Guaranteed? With the budget we’ve been provided, I’d be surprised to see more than a dry-ice fog and a few colored lights.

    PRINE

    I still have…contacts.

    BRODY

    Yes, old boy, but you aren’t to CONTACT them, don’t you see.

    PRINE

    Of course.

    BRODY stares into the shadows and frowns.

    BRODY

    Should I be…concerned?

    PRINE’s head sticks out of the shadows again, his grin even wider.

    PRINE

    Have I ever given you reason for concern?

    A door opens O.S. Voices echo, two men, and a woman. The woman laughs.

    BRODY

    (rising) I’m glad you are all early. Thomas is making some last minute shifts in the special effects. Please…get ready.

    BOBBY PRENTISS, young, dark haired with a cocky grin saunters onto the stage. He’s dressed in black leather, a motorcycle jacket with a patch on the sleeve that says BRONZE ANGELS. Beside him, GINGER BUCHANAN, early twenties, petite in skintight jeans and a tube top totters on too-tall heels. Behind them, JIM JENKINS, mid forties with a paunch steps onto the stage. He’s dressed in a police officer’s uniform.

    PRINE

    I love cops and robbers.

    BRODY

    Just get that thing working. We now have less than twenty minutes.

    GINGER

    Could…could we run through it one time?

    BRODY sees the girl’s nervousness.

    BRODY

    Quickly then. Bobby, center stage with Ginger.

    PRINE

    Uh…

    BRODY

    What is it? We’re just doing a test run.

    PRINE

    Yes but…

    BRODY

    Speak up!

    PRINE

    Nothing.

    PRINE returns to his tinkering and the actor’s take their places. Bobby stands, hands in pockets in a perfect James Dean slouch. Ginger stands in front of him, glancing over her shoulder nervously.

    BRODY

    Action.

    BOBBY

    So…you’re gonna go back to Daddy, play the good girl, screw ol’ Joey huh?

    GINGER

    You know I love you, Joey, but.

    BOBBY

    I know…I’m bad. Always been bad, always will be. Can’t blame you for cutting out.

    GINGER

    (starts to turn away) I…

    BOBBY steps forward and wraps her in his arms. She pulls back, and then, as if unable to resist, flutters her eyelids and turns back.

    BOBBY

    I don’t want you to go, baby.

    BRODY waves at Prine in the shadows.

    O.S. a police siren wails. Tires screech. A door slams. JENKINS steps onto the stage. He’s wearing an odd, futuristic helmet, and holding a strange gun leveled at BOBBY.

    BRODY

    What the…

    BOBBY lets go of GINGER, obviously confused. He reaches to his belt, as if going for a gun, or a knife.

    BOBBY

    You’ll never take me, John Law.

    BRODY starts to rise and move forward.

    PRINE

    You might want to say cut before…

    JENKINS grins evilly. His eyes are wide, and he points the strange gun straight at BOBBY’s heart.

    JENKINS

    Name’s jot John, scumbag. Names Alexander. Alexander Hughes, and…as a matter of fact, I am the law.

    BRODY turns to PRINE, eyes wide.

    PRINE

    Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I changed the line.

    BRODY turns back as JENKINS pulls the trigger. There’s a a flash of brilliant blue light. What appears to be lightning snaps across the stage and bursts through BOBBY’s chest, continuing on through curtains and walls. JENKINS stares at the gun, then lets it fall from his hand and staggers back. GINGER faints.

    BRODY

    (calmly) Thomas…what have you done?

    PRINE

    Cool, huh? I made it out of spare parts.

    There is the sound of falling debris, and a horrible creak from the ceiling above. Both men look up.

    PRINE (CONT’D)

    I suggest that – perhaps – we should run?

    BRODY

    I think I need to explain the word retirement to you in clearer terms.

    BRODY and PRINE run for the back exit. As the building begins to fall down around them, crushing the actors and the stage, PRINE begins to laugh.

    PRINE

    I TOLD you to say cut.

    BRODY

    Next time be clear.

    PRINE

    Be fair, (diving through the rear door as the walls collapse) I DID bring the house down…

    FADE OUT.